How do I cope with this

vamp I understand the leaving Things behind but what was it like leaving your house/home though? that's a big thing

shy it feels so nice to hear how you understand were I am and how that feels, it has really helped me.

I was still at work when DH was retired. Initially he did exactly the same and 'pounced' as soon as I arrived home. He did greet me with a cuppa and did the shopping for me - he was quite good at it after 6 months of disasters.

At the time he was very depressed as he didn't know anyone but eventually went to the docs. and was given anti-depressants. He finally joined a fishing group and is now busy being secretary, writing bids for finances etc. something he had done in his working life.

I've had 3 months off my degree and have found the summer rather difficult. I had lots of plans but have found it really difficult to get going, whilst DH is always busy. So I can see this difficulty from both sides.

Do you think your DH could have some sort of depression? He just needs to find something that will get him going again as I'm thinking this could be a temporary dip. If not, then Vampirequeen's suggestion of changing your circumstances could be a good idea.

Good luck with resolving the issues. [cake] [tea]

Sounds to me as if this is not about retirement at all and has probably been going on for some time. One of you has to change, probably both, if you are going to make it work. Usually both people in a relationship could make it easier for the other. However, do you actually want it to work or are you looking for reassurance about a decision you are about to make?

I agree with all that has been said about him needing something to do. Presumably as you are working and he is not, he is doing the household chores and cooking the dinner? Perhaps you could suggest a time for dinner and that you would like to wind down from work before then, perhaps for an hour? Then you could sit down at the table for dinner together and talk about what each of you has done during the day or whatever interests each of you?

I moved from a largish three bedroom family house to a small two up two down terrace but it was the best thing I ever did. I found a form of peace in my little house that I'd never experienced in the family home.

People asked me about memories etc but they're all in my head not in bricks and mortar.

I lived alone for a few years then I met DH and he eventually moved in but it's different. We share a lot of interests but we also have separate interests. He's a competition rock and roll dancer so once or twice a week he goes to practice and I have some just me time. We like to cycle but he's a real cyclist whereas I'm a boodler. So again, although we usually cycle together sometimes he goes alone in order to go a longer distance and at greater speed and I get some more just me time.

I love DH dearly but we all need our own space sometimes.

Nonnie everything you say is correct. But I am not confident in making a right decision about my situation which is un usual for me as I am usually very confident in decisions I make. I do know that I need a break from him for sure, but how to making that happen?

That all makes so much sense vamp I can understand and it sounds so nice. Did You have You leave the house because it was You that wanted things to end?

Oh tcherry you are struggling aren't you? Is there no way you can get away for a few days either on a mini-break with a friend or even alone or go on a course of some kind or visit a distant relation or friend. Or even, dare I suggest a retreat? You can google them. That would give you time to really weigh up your situation from all angles and what you want/need to do. You don't mention your financial situation or whether there are children of your marriage. So much to consider and you really seem to need some space to do it.

According to yesterday's Daily Mail online (I can't do links) it has been given a name. It is 'retired husband syndrome' and there is a whole article about it so you are not alone

tcherry you are probably so tired after a hard days work and to find your husband waiting for you to return back home must cause you to think how can I get out of this. I used to love soaking for ages in a hot bath just to remove myself from the questions getting asked by my husband. That was the last thing I wanted at that time. It gave me time to reconcile with my own feelings. I think my husband got the message and he began to leave me be for a wee while. We are also lucky in that we have 2 small sitting rooms which are a haven for both of us. It took us ages to work out the best harmonious solution for both of us and I'm sure self preservation will come to you too. It's easy to feel you don't love your husband at these times but little moments removed from the pressure can turn into bigger and happier things. Thinking of you on this journey wherever it leads

Elizabeth you use the word pressure and that is so relevant because it does, and I do feel under immense pressure to find some peace somewhere.

As you have gone through a very similar situation you have given me an insight that has helped me to slightly look beyond the Now, I do think it would help to have some alone time when I get in from work and will try that.

I think another member had a similar problem a little while back, I can't find the thread but I think her name was Paula8 , might be worth having a look through other threads to see if you can find it.

tcherry then when you've had your relaxing bath perhaps your dinner will be ready for you (hopefully) and you can sit down with a lovely glass of wine to share the days experiences or take your dinner to another room for an extra piece of quietness. I must say there's nothing wrong with having your own time whenever you feel the need. Enjoy the moment.

I'm sure you're right Phoenix

Also, just came across this in DM today:

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-2729785/Do-YOU-suffer-Retired-Husband-Syndrome-Women-feel-stressed-depressed-men-work.html

On the subject of a retreat. I had a friend who's husband was a vicar. He was a very demanding man who expected everything to be perfect all the time and he made it very clear who was the boss in the relationship. She discovered that the local convent offered private retreats. You could join in with their worship if you wished or you could just have time alone for, as they thought, private reflection. There was never any pressure from the nuns. Her husband thought this was an excellent idea so every couple of months he would drop her off at the convent for a weekend.

The rooms were very comfortable with ensuite facilities. Once there she would unpack her bag taking out a couple of bottles of good quality wine, some chocolates, some biscuits, a bottle of luxurious bubble bath and a couple of chick lit books that her husband frowned upon. She then spent the weekend indulging herself. Her husband would pick her up on the Sunday evening and be happy with how refreshed her 'spiritual journey' had made her.

I'm not saying you deceive your husband (for her it was a sort of necessary evil) but it would be a way of getting a bit of you time.

A lot of convents do bed and breakfast now as the Church wants them to be self financing.

I met someone at one of my very rare retreats (Stobo castle present) and she said she just looks for the special deals and just takes herself off.

Maybe when I get time off work I could explore that (retreat) Its sounds quite nice.

Thanks for all of your support, its so nice to be able to speak to someone in- partial about it all

And nice to speak to Intelligent people!!--Yes that's right I said Intelligent

You don't mention any children who may have left home. In my case I took over their bedrooms for my own living space and we more or less lived separate lives in the same house. It made life more bearable until I made the decision to divorce. When we sold up I kept very little, but it didn't stop me loving my new little home. All that I have from the past is a few photos and my memories. Since moving I have lost both parents and gained 6 beautiful grandchildren who are now my focus. I don't look back, only forwards.

I don't know how fit you are, but I can recommend HF walking holidays, on which there are always several single people, mainly women 'of a certain age'. They do short or longer breaks in the UK or abroad, also some for special interests. Pricey, but you don't need to spend a thing while you are there. When married I used to go away alone several times a year, but since being retired and single I don't feel the need. Life is one long glorious holiday!

Before retiring I attended a retirement seminar with a friend. Because of the nature of our jobs we were the only women in the class with about 30 or so men. One of the questions which we had to answer on paper was what is one of the most difficult things you may experience on retirement. My friend and I both answered living with someone 24/7 and all the men said things like boredom, or becoming used to a different status and other stuff along those lines. Guess what? My friend and I were correct the person conducting the seminar said that living with your partner 24/7 was one of the most difficult things you will have to contend with.

I therefore think it is vital to have your own space, sometimes difficult I know. So I do it by DH or I walk the dog - 2-3hrs alone each day. Going out with girl friends for lunch or evening meal 4-5 hours per month. DH turns wood and spends quite some time in his shed - alone.

It is difficult I know because I am quite happy on my own but DH isn't and will seek me out and talk when I am trying to read or watching something interesting on the TV Grrrr.

As Gagagran says - I think it's a big help if you each have some separate interests and that you go your separate ways for parts of the day. This also helps to make interesting conversation between the 2 of you.

I feel for you tcherry. However, I would try and see this as a temporary situation. Both my husband and myself are semi-retired and i STILL do not have enough time to myself. I just have to try and make myself a little time. When he is watching TV, I go and have a bath and read for an hour. I send him to the shops with a long shopping list. I go down to Costas with my Kindle and sneak a bit of time there. I have the occasional night out without him - I go alone to the theatre or cinema. I might even book myself a week-end away to to some shopping or similar.
I think you will gradually ease yourself a bit of space but it takes time.
Just remember though, that one day he may not be there to be annoyed with and you could regret not spending enough time together.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.

DH retired suddenly due to ill health a couple years ago aged only 57 while I continued working full time. He was driving me MAD! Although he did, and still does, all the cooking and cleaning which is fab, he was obsessed with silly things, like the neighbours not bringing their bin in quickly enough, too many charity bags etc etc. He wanted to talk the minute I stepped through the door and I never seemed to get a moment alone.
However, his health has improved soooo from the start of the new school term, he's going to be looking after our 1 year old GD, while her teacher mum goes back to work. That should keep him busy! Actually I'm now a bit jealous that I won't be there!
Good luck tcherry.

I wonder if your husband knows you don't want to be with him anymore? If not it might come as a huge shock to him and he might be prepared to give you some space in order to keep you. Perhaps you could try couple counselling, or if you don't want to go along that road, maybe just sit down and tell him how you feel. Again, he may have no idea you feel the way you do, and it could be the kick he needs to sort his life out and to be less reliant on you. I do know how you feel - I can't send or receive a text or email without being asked who its from, what did they say, what have I said, etc. it is very stifling.

I sympathise. My husband decided to retire (without consulting me) when I was still working. It was made worse by the fact that I worked from home and was used to having the house to myself during the day. Suddenly, he was there all the time- asking did I want a cup of tea, watching the cricket on TV, saying he would come with me when I went out. It drove me nuts. I had to tell him that I didn't want to be with him all the time!

I have now retired. I do the gardening and he does the cooking/shopping. We sleep in different rooms! Put your foot down, be honest and enjoy doing some things together but maintain your own identity and interests.

The alternative is separation. It works for some!