How do I cope with this

Sorry Kate that you have another problem in your life. I also wonder about a health or mental problem. My H has Alzheimer's and does very bizarre things but he isn't unkind, just very, very, self-centred.

Yes I take your point about leaving but the point about learned behaviour does not wash. Everyone can control their actions if they wish to. Blaming their behaviour on their parents is not good enough and an excuse.

Thank you elegran ( and mikey345 thank you so much for your kind,empathetic comments. You made me so angry. So glad you've got all the answers .)

I would consider a trip to the doctor with any personality change or out of the ordinary anger being shown.

when a person like her hubby,says such things to her,,you are seeing what he learned when young,,you can bet your last pound,his father was the same,,very few of us are original in our entirety,,old saying ,,those who have not been tortured will not torture,those who were,,will,,,,when he says these things to her,,he becomes ,powerful,in control,,the alpha male,,and the emulation of his father is complete,,,and it will never stop,now hes had a taste of such power,only the powerless seek such things,she should leave,

" constantly shouts,criticises , interrupts and says I talk rubbish, says I don't listen to him" says I am "sitting there like a fat balloon" and "behaving like an old woman living on her own" - yes mikey345 a cheek, and no-one should put up with it - at work or at home, while he goes out to work or when he is retired.

Oh, sorry, did you mean that as the man you would not put up with it? Were you blaming Kate13 for her husband's churlishness?

Or were you answering Tcherry's original post from years ago? She has left the forum.

as a retired man,,it does take time to adjust,but for many on here,,the problem seems to be the man being in the house at,all,,,working ,,fine,,retired no.bit of a cheek really.would i want that ,,nope,,would i put up with that nope,if one is so unhappy,why not leave when hes working,,dont use retirement as an excuse,again i refer to no individual here,

Yes he definitely has a social face - charming,amusing. Only has the grumps with me. Guess he knows he can get away with it. The family are aware of it and say I should go out and do my own thing and ignore it/him. Trouble is,although I like going out (and do) I also wish for a comfortable and loving home, especially today, for example, but he's just " gone out" in the car and I've no idea where /when/if he'll be back. It's like treading on eggshells and making me very jumpy and nervy. I never know whether he'll come home and be civil or nasty.

You ask what you're doing wrong. Why? Surely he's the one who's doing something wrong. Perhaps he is just used to the fact that he can use you as a verbal punchbag. I agree with Coolgran - maybe not to call him an old fart but at least assert yourself and don't assume that you're doing anything wrong.

Kate13 without wanting to offend anyone here..... but have you tried relatiating and telling him what you think of him and that he's being an unkind and abusive old fart.

Do you have family, what do they think of his behaviour or does he put on a show when necessary?

How do you get over comments like " sitting there like a fat balloon" and "behaving like an old woman living on her own" and not take it personally . (I'm 11st.4 by the way). How can you not fester with such comments and criticisms flying about our reasonably smallish bungalow?

Judthepud thank you for your Final comment. It really helped

Kate13 as this is an old thread, you might find you get more responses by starting up a new one. You sound as if you need considerable help! If your husband has only recently begun to show this aggression, I would agree that he may, and I mean may, be developing dementia. Don't wish to alarm you but you then would need to get medical advice. There are retired doctors, health workers on GN who may be able to help.

If your OH has always been like this but just worse, I would suggest that this is classic abusive behaviour. If you can't or don't want to get out, then find ways of keeping well out of his way. If he is the only one commenting on your 'uselessness', you can be sure that the problem lies with him and not you.

Buy him a shed, a decent one. Put light and heating in and a kettle. Men love sheds and he'll spend plenty of time in there giving you the time you crave. It worked for me.

I would find that very hard too, kate13 . Can you avoid him a bit? – go out more, be in a different room?

whatever happened to plain old fashion love,there was a time,when we couldnt bare to be apart,,,now we push each other away,for me,,,thats a marraige of convenience..and now its inconvenient,,what a waste...i am not talking about anyone in particular here,,,just about the retired men syndrom

Thank you Lilygran it certainly is more noticeable but I keep wondering whether it's just me becoming more dapsy and vague or whether I'm subconsciously not paying attention any more because of his acid remarks ? Medical advice is a difficult one - there's little chance he would go,after all,as far as he's concerned, I'm the one who needs to get back on this planet.

Kate if this is something new or much more noticeable, perhaps medical input is needed?

Hello. Haven't been on this site for over a year but really need some advice right now. Does anyone else have a DH who constantly shouts,criticises , interrupts and says I talk rubbish, says I don't listen to him, when in my own head, I think I manage him fairly well. We've been retired eight years and it's getting worse. What am I doing wrong? Any tips would be great.

My husband and I retired at the same time. That first year all we did was bicker. But somehow I started taking classes and he began to have hobbies. We went our separate ways except for a few days a week where we would go to the gym together or do something fun. Now ten years later we have our pattern.
I would suggest TCHERRY that you spend a half hour with him when you first come home so you both can chat about your day and he doesn't feel rejected. Some men are sensitive and he might see it as you wanting to avoid him.
Encourage him to take some hobby classes or get involved more with volunteering. Talk with him and explain that you need some alone time when you come home but that maybe once during the work week the two of you could have a dinner out so he has something to look forward to with you.
Hopefully he won't be offended at your suggestions.

Encourage him to explore his local U3A, a wonderful organisation with loads of interest groups and things to occupy some of his time.

It does sound like space is crucial, which makes it a shame that so much retirement property doesn't allow enough.

My DH's aunt and uncle have just moved from one rented sheltered flat to a new one because the old building has been declared not fit for purpose and is closing(two different housing associations involved). Their previous flat was tiny, but now the kitchen and living area is open plan, they've had to downsize again. Their new complex offers a range of care, so if they need more it is on hand.

My FIL is in older sheltered housing, so I been in three different types now and it seems to me that the newer the build, the less space there is and the space on offer for a couple is more like that which a single person needs. In fact, in my FIL's block, the policy (unspoken?) is to place single women in a flat for two so they have a little bit more space.

I can't imagine living with my husband in such a small space and the stress of not being able to have our own space sounds awful. I think you'd have to be creative with the use of space to make the most of it.

No need to apologise!
I totally agree about separate living space, I like it when DH disappears into his study and I can waste time on GN, watch daytime TV read an improving book on my own

I do appologise to all.
This thread was highlighted today, and I did not realise that:
A) there was 8 pages of it, and more importantly:
B) it was first started last year, in 2014.

But I have learned quite a lot from reading all of it now, and I still think a long soak in a bath can give much needed "me time".

It also seems to me that if a retired couple is still living in the family home, after the children have left it should be possible to turn one bedroom into an extra sitting room for escape when needed.

My husband retired a couple of years ago but still helps someone out two mornings a week.Those mornings I spend at home doing jobs around the house then when he is here we either go out together or he potters around at home and I go shopping or lunch with friends.Seems to work o.k except when one of us gets bored and then we start to argue!