How do I cope with this

wotanuisance and others, have you noted the date of this (formerly) dormant thread?
I think you will find tcherry is long since gone (at least under that name) and as many posters indicated, it was hard to view the rapid progression from " the OG is getting under my feet" to " I want a divorce and I want you out of the house NOW" with much credibility.

This is not to belittle the genuine situation of "twice the OG and half the money" which may accompany other halves' retirement, but most of us do not adopt the Black Widow Spider gambit with quite such alacrity.

I am recently retired and downsized. I have found there is quite a lot of adjustment needed, and perhaps more "give and take" than before.

The question is possibly do you still LIKE your husband tcherry? Are you still friends? If not then perhaps it is time to change your status.

But, if you would like to remain married, perhaps you could train him to have a lovely bath run for you when you get home from work. You could have a soak with candles, oils, music, glass of wine. Meditate and unwind. The evenings should pass by in a lovely scented haze.

I do hope you are enjoying life better very soon.

Sentiment, wishing things could become better, FINANCIAL reasons, dog. All things that trap me.

tcherry.. yes, it is a lousy relationship but I can,t chuck an old man out onto the streets!

Tragic for all involved granjura, very sad.

I've found this thread very thought-provoking, perhaps there should be compulsory Preparing for Retirement classes?

Luckily DH and I have joint and individual interests and are both still working but I'm well aware that in the future ill health or something else could intervene and upset the status quo at anytime.

Yes, suicide has a devasting effect on loved one's.

I don't feel that putting responsibility for somehow missing the signs that their loved one was about to kill themselves is in any way acceptable.

The title was flagged up at the top of GN- and I searched for it- because I felt it was worth warning people that retiring can have a disastrous effect on some people, usually men- and that spouses, families and friends do not read the signs until it is too late.

I read tcherry's OP and it sounded very much how his wife felt about him 'getting in her way' and annoying her with his demands and lack of drive.
Not sure if anything could have been done- but it is worth making people aware, perhaps.

The same thing happened to the DH of an ex colleague of mine in UK- who, again, found him (no detail- but in the staircase) with devastating effects on her and the family for a very very long time (forever probably).

This is ghastly, granjura but why link it on to an old thread about which many had serious reservations?
( at such a tragedy, don't get me wrong.)

Very sad event in our village last week. One of our friends, aged 65, retired last year from his artisan business. His younger wife has been working very hard in totally dedicated as Chaplain for several hospices to the terminally ill, long hours leaving her emotionally and physically exhausted, one son having lots of problems, the other son having taking over the business and made it clear that he was in charge and dad should keep out of it (although he built up the business and clientèle over past 40+ years) - and daughter working as big wig lawyer on the other side of the country. He hanged himself last week-end - as all were far too busy to read the signs of his increasing feelings of uselesness- so tragic, for all.

People often retire without any thougt or preparation for the future- and just cannot adjust and feel unloved and useless and just go downhill very quickly (in his case 6 months!). Not sure what the answer is - and must say I am so glad OH has many hobbies and knows how to keep himself busy and 'engaged'.

Perhaps under another name?

I think the problem was solved six months ago, and tcherry no longer posts.

Goodness, just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water!!

Sorry cardigran, I am sure what you say is sincere and we'll-meant, but I suspect this thread is ancient history

just adding a couple of comments - open plan really is a bad thing when both of you are spending most of every day at home ! if you are downsizing for goodness sake make sure you have another room to be comfy in when one of you is occupying the sofa watching sport or whatever doesn`t turn you on ! i hate thinking i have to go to bed to read my book/listen to radio 4 to get away from the sound of the tv !
Also if your marriage is not sound it will only get worse by the time you are both home all day together i think, do something about it now. Don`t be like my mother who at 86 is depressed that she did not leave my father years ago. Dad is 90 and registered blind so not only does she do all the traditional things housewives of that generation have to do , but she has to deal with all the paperwork , bills etc (which is not her forte)and he gets so grumpy ( he is frustrated that he can`t do what he used to do, and impatient with her) and it is a shame that she is spending her last years feeling unhappy. obviously i do what i can to help , when i can travel over to visit, and their unhappiness has been a lifelong sadness for me as well, and i spent many years thinking i could somehow fix it for them . If you are dithering about whether you need to split up think seriously about how things might be ten/fifteen/twenty years or more in the future . Also if you think "i can`t leave him poor thing because he can`t manage on his own " it might help to think that there are plenty of widows or single ladies out there yearning to have someone to fuss over/take care of someone /share life with !

Coming in very late on this one, tcherry, but just wanting to say that I think I understand the difficulties you are expressing.
My husband isn't retired quite yet but he is working from home and doing much less, so he is 'around all the time' and is quite capable of impulsive trips to the shops buying 'all the wrong things', tidying the cupboards etc etc. There has always been a lot of conflict in our relationship about almost anything from how to lay paving slabs in the garden to the time children should go to bed to where to go on holiday. With each of us working outside the home (me part-time) there seemed to be some space, now it feels as though there is none and a lot of the time it feels as though nothing can be discussed because it is going to lead to disagreement.
You didn't say what kind of unwell he is but that sounds to me like a very emotional reaction and very possibly emotional blackmail too! It can't help when you already feel torn.
We have had our moments of pondering separation and I have thought quite a bit about leaving but it's hard if you have nowhere to go (eg. somewhere to stay even temporarily where you can find some space for yourself) and I sometimes think we have stayed together because of the impossible tangle of separating after 30 years. Then again, sometimes we have nice times together and still appreciate things in common.
We all make our own decisions and each of our situations is different with push/pull factors for staying or going. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you are able to rest with the decision, it takes a lot of courage to approach these big life issues and there is no doubt that retirement is a real cliff edge moment in life. I really hope you find some peaceful way forward, all the best.

Thanks Jane that's the trouble will popping in and out of GN you miss the whole picture. Got it now.

Aka see Soutra's thread, Does my bum look big in this? And you will get the picture.

Re the marital home: if it is owned in both names then I believe it is split if there are no dependent children resident. As someone said that means one partner buys out the other or they sell and split any profit.

Why have you been blocked Ana ? I've only just come onto this thread and I don't see what you said that could have been taken amiss

Life is short and if you can't take risks at our age when can you?
Though I agree it's a bit much to expect the husband just to move out and leave the OP in the marital home. Some sort of mediation/ counselling should be the initial move. Then if separation is inevitable, the house sold and each partner should downsize and be prepared to rebuild their lives in a different direction.

Unbelievable!

I respect all opinions and thank you for them.

I see that on another thread tcherry has said that she is a Catholic. Marriage Care ( formerly the Catholic marriage Advisory Service) has an excellent reputation, and will, I'm sure, prove helpful.

A lot of effort has gone into replies to the OP.

Can I just point out to rubylady that as I said in a previous that I have had very difficult times within a relationship.

In tcherrys original post there was not a suggestion that the relationship was hopeless just that they were having difficulty adjusting to OH retirement.

When I was in a desperate place I had no idea which way the counselling would go and the counsellor made it clear it was to help us move forward and that might involve separation or finding a way forward together. Either outcome would be made through careful reflection and mediation, hopefully without bitterness and anger. That must be worth some effort!

MiceElf Wise words