How do I cope with this

tcherry I think you really need to think if it is the bigger 'relationship' that is the issue or the fact that the recent change in his routines due to retirement is the issue. All relationships have ups /downs and need active work to maintain them and the solution is different for each relationship! Some love 'being a couple' (like that TV couple Howard & Hilda!) and others thrive on parallel lives meeting up only at weekends and I suspect most of us have enjoyed something in the middle: independent lives with a decent 'chunk' of shared interests!

You say you have worked hard for your home and do not want to leave it. Did your OH also contribute to the home finances through his working life? In which case he may feel the same!

To be fair and honest you should talk to your OH about your feelings. You do not suggest that he is unhappy with the status quo but he might be!

Relationship counselling could help you both find a way forward either together or apart.

Good luck in whatever route you choose.

GA hope you are keeping well and on an even keel.

We just don't know what is around the corner; my friend used to worry about her DH dying young like his father and how she would cope when she was left on her own. Sadly, she was the one who went suddenly and he is still strong, fit and active.

I love my husband very much and we have a good balance of togetherness and independence at the moment. I'm ten years older than he is and my ill health has caused us many concerns over the years - so we anticipate that we most likely will not have much, if any, time together when he retires. With this in mind we try to make the most of what we have now and make sure we say all that needs to be said. If we do by any chance have some time together after he has retired I expect we will continue our current lifestyle of spending some time together whilst maintaining our independent activities. I think the thing I dread would be becoming really infirm and my husband feeling he needs to care for me at home when he should be enjoying his hard earned retirement. I've given clear instructions that I'd rather go into a home in those circumstances, but I'm not entirely sure he'll do as he's told.

rose

DH read the article by Sandra Howard and was quite surprised at what she said. He said 'We get on really well, don't we, since I retired'. I said 'Yes dear'. (That's only because I am such a lovely, tolerant person and he is usually too far away down the garden to hear me swearing )

Here's my tuppence worth (as a newly retired wife):

Firstly husband and I have always had lives of our own and a big area that overlaps in the middle, which is good.

From time to time during a long relationship I think it is to be expected that there will be an initial adjustment period when circumstances change. We both had to make massive adjustments when we came to live in the UK in 2000 and gave up our comfortable home in SA for a studio flat in London. From time to time, sparks flew and at one stage I thought I should chuck it in. Time passed and the waters calmed.

14 years on, we have our own space in the house and when each is in that space, the other doesn't intrude other than to offer a cup of tea or coffee or perhaps a "Guess what?" comment. My space is upstairs in our bedroom, on the bed, surrounded by laptop, Kindle, books, cup of tea etc. His is in the lounge with the crossword and the TV on (which is why I retreat to the bedroom, happily I might add).

Since we are both spending a lot more time together during the week, we've been hassling again. Now I know it will pass and we will again settle into a pattern that suits us.

What I've described though is very different from living with someone that you don't really have affection for any longer.

My DH worked from home for many years while I was at work each day. We have both now retired so perhaps he is suffering RWS (retired wife syndrome). He certainly has his routines which I don't interfere with and we both do our own thing most of the time.

Yes I just read that story too Katy.
If anyone else wants to read,
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2732305/Husbands-retiring-stresses-women-sighs-wife-ex-Tory-leader-Michael-Howard-Sorry-darling-I-ve-got-retired-husband-syndrome.html

According to today's Daily Mail, Sandra Howard is suffering from this syndrome. She said Michael is driving her mad! You are not alone.

I think most of us suffer from RHS- not tickets for Chelsea Flower Show- but Retired Husband Syndrome. I regularly have a moan here (especially when he had the notion of clearing out the spice cupboard and chucking all the out of date spices ie all the spices!) and I have to button my lip when he explains his "better"way of stacking the dishwasher This man knows how to live dangerously! But hey reader I married him and it is down to me to get a grip and make it work . A close friend's DH has just been diagnosed with Alzheimers and that puts RHS into perspective. So tcherry- whether you get a shed, get your own life or get a divorce whatever you decide- if you haven't changed him in all the years you have been married, you won't change him now!

Tcherry: I read in an Anne Tyler novel about ""overlooking", the theory being that at the beginning of a relationship lots of niggles are overlooked because of the love/passion .. The novelist's character tried "overlooking" 3/4 niggles and only remarking on the 4th. I've tried it and it works. My OH probably does the same! We're often blissfully unaware of the annoying things we do!
A friend used to call in at the supermarket on her way home. Pick up just one thing then sit in the car for half an hour with a can of coke, a magazine or the radio. Me time was achieved!

tcherry your last post hit home with me. Even if the kids have left home its such a big decision to make. It is so hard so explain to them how you feel as they probably think you are the perfect couple. No advice to give, but hope it helps that you can vent on this site, with others feeling the same.

tcherry you haven't mentioned your children before, how old are they? Your post implies that it is just you and your not so DH in the house, so how much would your children be affected if you were to change your circumstances?

vamp I am just confused, so confused, For the sake of peace and so as not to hurt my children, its easier to just shut up and put up.

I agree with all posts that stress the need for communication! Telling your OH that you want to sit quietly /watch crapTV /have a bath/ read a book for the first half hour when you get home to 'unwind' and then share the ups /downs of the day with each other is good advice as far as I am concerned.

My DH is semi retired but we still have a lot of home time together as we are both term time workers.. I guess we got used to doing our own thing in holidays but have learned to articulate what we want clearly whilst taking account of each others ideas too! e.g. I am going to go for a walk by the canal / going shopping/ to see a film/football match today and then going for coffee at x cafe/beer at the pub. Do you want to meet me there or do you have other plans?

It is also easy to get into 'ruts' and, in my experience, women are better at changing things! Could you go for a swim /library (or similar) straight from work a couple of times a week and build in 'me time' that way?

Lots of good advice, but I would still recommend looking at previous threads.
IYKWIM.

Suddenly being at home together has to be adjusted to and as others have said, it helps to have interests, hobbies etc of ones own. Some shared interests are important as well, even if it is just watching the TV.

When DH annoys me by being tiresome, I tell him that I'll report him to Gransnet!

X

Good post Elegran as usual.

I hesitated to say that. DH and I enjoy each other's company but not exclusively and do things separately as well as together. Then we meet up and chat about our days!

Thank you PPB. It is not just the Bank Holiday weekends which are too long, it is every day.

I don't want anyone reading this thread to think that all retired people are trapped unwillingly with each other. Many/most of us enjoy one another's company at last. The problems come when one or both partners has the oh-god-nothing-to-do syndrome, so they spend their time wishing life were more interesting, and thinking that it is the fault of the other half that they are bored and frustrated.

FIND something interesting, or steer your other half toward an interest if they are out of practice at finding one for themselves. And talk to one another.

Ah if only all men read gransnet.

Enjoy your retirement berdie. At least, hopefully, this thread has given you a idea of what not to , right from the start!

For Elegran.

For Marmight sallee Sewsilver and auntiejantie and anyone else feeling alone this long bank holiday weekend.

Meant to add "Happy Retirement"

Hilary1 I totally agree with your post. I retired first, then DH about 18 months later. I had settled into my routine and then he was home and he hated it, so consequently life became a bit strained. There were times when I thought 'I can't stand this' and I'm sure he felt the same. This year he was diagnosed with prostate cancer (hopefully with a good outcome). Now I am just grateful that he is here although he now follows me around like a lost puppy because he is frightened I know we can't live our lives tolerating stuff in case people get ill but it does put a different perspective on things.