How do I cope with this

Yes birdie

Oh dear, I'm retiring today, do I have to watch my P's & Q's in "her" kitchen.?

We manage quite well, he is upstairs on his computer and me in the garden, house, watching tv etc. However had an operation on my foot and was dependent on him for seven weeks for driving etc and that was a really testing time.

Reading everyone's views three main themes seem to be appearing.

1)Do you love him and want to try to work through it? Would you miss him if he wasn't around?

2)Is it time to leave him and move on? You're still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. Do you spend the rest of your life being miserable or give yourself a new start?

3)Do you simply carry on the way you are becoming more and more bitter and depressed?

Sorry if this post seems a bit blunt but it seems to be the options available.

I really feel for you, I have been in a similar situation. The hardest part is that the one person you need to tell wont listen. If he does listen, he does not comprehend. Do not give up your home that you have worked for. I moved out of our bedroom, on the excuse that his snoring kept me awake. This tiny little room keeps me sane.

Interesting reading on this thread. When J retired, early, at first it was fun but as time went by I became a bit irritated at him always being one step behind me, whether shopping or when cleaning the house, always asking 'what's for lunch/dinner', 'what are we doing today' - after all, I had always dealt with these things and made the decisions while he was making his way in the work world. Gradually we settled into a kind of compromise. By then we had a daughter living in Australia and had acquired a number of grandchildren both there and in the UK so life took a slightly different turn. Even so, I would occasionally visit them alone while he stayed home and he would go off sailing while I stayed home and ate baked beans out of a tin and generally slobbed about enjoying my few days of peace.
Since he died, I have been racked with guilt, probably unnecessarily, for not making the most of the short time we had left together. Even though I have many good friends and family and have quite a few activities, life is still lonely without your mate of 38 years; I spend some days alone without seeing or talking to a soul - the weekend is coming up and it will be yet another alone one - and I sit, as I did last evening willing him to appear in the room, if only for a few seconds so we could clear the air and say all the things we thought but didn't discuss, to say how much we loved each other despite everything, to rejoice in our life together and the wonderful family we made and to ask for forgiveness for all the hurts and wrongs.
So, ladies, bear this in mind as you wish for solitude and change; it may not really be what you want or need. Talk to your partner, discuss the problems, get all the 'stuff' out of the way, clear the air and then make the decision, because one day you may be sitting like me, sad for the past and dreading the future without the person you really want to be with.

I remember a phrase about marriage, from when I was a Relate counsellor - "separate but intimate", and that is the paradox. You need to be together, and you end to be alone, and finding the balance at the different stages of our lives is so hard, as these posts demonstrate.

Obviously, talking it through together is the ideal answer, but I know full well that that isn't always possible, and when the love has gone, or seems to have faded, well that adds another dimension, which is what you are saying, tcherry isn't it?

As we looked forward to retirement, I remember DH saying "What you need when you retire is a job that isn't a job." And I think he was right; our voluntary activities in Rotary are sometimes together, sometimes not, but they do provide structure and add a lot to our social life. And you can always say no to things you don't want to do!

Elegran, you are so right, I didn't mean to make my decision sound easy. The contentment I found may not happen for others.

I love your thinking littleowl so true in what you say. This episode in our lives need only be temporary. Do any of us still remember the start of living together when we got married. Some areas of that weren't easy either but we persevered and for some it became so much better.

Grannybuy I remember the times when DH was working all hours to help prop up an ailing business (not even his own - a nationally known company) and was so tired when he came home that he just wanted to eat and sleep. Then they started the waves of redundancies that were not to stop them ending up in receivership, and one day he came home early with the news that he was no longer employed. I said "Good! Maybe I will see something of you now!"

He soon found a "temporary" job (at more than he had been getting, and for reasonable hours) which lasted a few years more, then he really retired and I did see more of him. It did restrict my comings and goings, but not so much that I felt trapped. We had some good years together before he died, and like other posters, I would give anything to have him back.

I don't suppose Shysal's life just fell into place without some soul-searching and heartache, and a lot of effort to decide on her path and then follow it, over rocky bits as well as smooth grass.

Unfortunately, retirement is the time when diverging interests, and less compatibility show up. While busy working, these factors are less relevant, and can be borne. DH and I are in our mid sixties now, and I am aware of 'time running out'. I am caught between the desire to be unselfish, supportive, and a good companion, and also to go off and do my own thing. It strikes me as a pity that in any marriage the compromises mean that the individuals lives are curtailed. I do stress to DH that he must go for it if there is something he really wants to or places he'd like to go.
I often recall, in amusement, that during the years when our children were young, and he spent so many summer evenings and weekends on the bowling green, and I would, of course, occasionally complain! I told him then that he should start worrying when I didn't complain. I don't complain now!!

shy your life sounds heavenly.

Such mixed feelings after reading all the posts, I agree that I should be grateful that he is still here, do not wish him any harm, and trying hard to accept were we are now, but very sad because I always wanted to feel that I at least loved him but I don't have those feelings as much now and I am confused and feel lost and wish my parents were still alive so that I can ask them what I should do. I know that sounds lame at my age but never the less it is how I feel

I am sad to read of the difficulties some couples have when the husband retires. My husband looked forward to his early retirement and I looked forward to having my dinner ready for me and the housework done when I came in from work. He died the day before he was due to retire, aged 56. We had been married 33 years. How I wish he was here to complain about!

My dh was like a lost soul when he first retired. He had no idea how to fill his days, and he missed the social side of work and interaction with colleagues.
He hovered round me all the time, getting under my feet then we sat down together to discuss what to do about it and how we both needed to adjust to new circumstances.
One answer could be to encourage him to get involved with some activity outside the home, whether is the gym, golf, bridge, rambling etc etc.
many organisations are crying out for volunteers, the National trust, local charities, it all depends what his interests are.
We don't do everything together like some couples. I have friends I meet regularly, I have U3A and a craft group, and Zumba.
It's another phase of life to adjust to and it takes time.
The balance is much better these days and we are both happier now.
Good luck whatever you decide to do.

Sallee I so agree with you. I would give anything to have DH back even for 5minutes.

Tcherry You are not the only one feeling like this. Mine is not nasty or anything like that but for a number of reasons he is very wearing to live with and I feel worn out most of the time.

PPP I fully understand where you are coming from there. What do you do about holidays?

Shysal Yes I do HF they are so good for travelling to on your own. I have just done a singing one.

For those who don't know they started off doing walking holidays and now do all sorts of special interest stuff.

At meal times the tables are not set for individuals and it is very easy to socialise.

I haven't read all the input but the title stuck a huge chord.
My hubby and I were both very independent but still very close, but retirement was sort of difficult, even the small stuff like bumping into each other in the kitchen!! A total life adjustment needed as we had both worked full-time all our lives, retiring me at 58 and J at 60.
One year into retirement when he was 61 he became very ill, nearly dying with kidney and liver failure, before being diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma -grade 4 - there is no grade 5. He was in hospital for a month, absolutely determined to do all he could to help himself, even after losing 4 stone.
That month I felt as if my life as it had been had ended, felt so sad and lonely without him at home, and so frightened that he was off somewhere without me, and my future was without him - horrendous time, but so much worse for him of course. It's not selfish to think like that, it's preparing maybe.
He did come home, is still here, after six sessions of aggressive chemotherapy treatment, and a year on from a clear bone marrow test, will be dismissed from hospital check-ups after his next six-month visit, if all is as it is now.
I will never sweat the small stuff, or even bigger stuff, and yes, he is still irritating on occasions but I will never tell him, never give him stress if I can help it, will let him do what he wants to do whenever he wants if possible, etc., etc., think you may get the picture.
No, I am not a walkover but just so happy he is still here because life would be unbearable if he wasn't, after 42 years together, and keep looking at him and feeling so grateful and appreciative, and hopeful!
We do live close to the best oncology unit in England so huge gratitude to all involved there.
If you sit and imagine life without your other half and you cry, you will have a change of heart to retirement.
Nuff said I think - apologies for the essay.

Build a separate life, spend time with your own friends and build your own interests and encourage him to do the same. Stay working, this is your time out and where you can just be yourself without his ever presence. Try yoga or meditation and try to keep your sense of humour. He cannot change but you can change your approach to him and to life. Good luck!

Just reading some of these letters make me feel so sad for you I have just lost my partner and I miss him so much I would give anything to have him back sitting beside me so cheer up make the most of your time together it may be your last

I sympathise. My husband decided to retire (without consulting me) when I was still working. It was made worse by the fact that I worked from home and was used to having the house to myself during the day. Suddenly, he was there all the time- asking did I want a cup of tea, watching the cricket on TV, saying he would come with me when I went out. It drove me nuts. I had to tell him that I didn't want to be with him all the time!

I have now retired. I do the gardening and he does the cooking/shopping. We sleep in different rooms! Put your foot down, be honest and enjoy doing some things together but maintain your own identity and interests.

The alternative is separation. It works for some!

I wonder if your husband knows you don't want to be with him anymore? If not it might come as a huge shock to him and he might be prepared to give you some space in order to keep you. Perhaps you could try couple counselling, or if you don't want to go along that road, maybe just sit down and tell him how you feel. Again, he may have no idea you feel the way you do, and it could be the kick he needs to sort his life out and to be less reliant on you. I do know how you feel - I can't send or receive a text or email without being asked who its from, what did they say, what have I said, etc. it is very stifling.

DH retired suddenly due to ill health a couple years ago aged only 57 while I continued working full time. He was driving me MAD! Although he did, and still does, all the cooking and cleaning which is fab, he was obsessed with silly things, like the neighbours not bringing their bin in quickly enough, too many charity bags etc etc. He wanted to talk the minute I stepped through the door and I never seemed to get a moment alone.
However, his health has improved soooo from the start of the new school term, he's going to be looking after our 1 year old GD, while her teacher mum goes back to work. That should keep him busy! Actually I'm now a bit jealous that I won't be there!
Good luck tcherry.

I feel for you tcherry. However, I would try and see this as a temporary situation. Both my husband and myself are semi-retired and i STILL do not have enough time to myself. I just have to try and make myself a little time. When he is watching TV, I go and have a bath and read for an hour. I send him to the shops with a long shopping list. I go down to Costas with my Kindle and sneak a bit of time there. I have the occasional night out without him - I go alone to the theatre or cinema. I might even book myself a week-end away to to some shopping or similar.
I think you will gradually ease yourself a bit of space but it takes time.
Just remember though, that one day he may not be there to be annoyed with and you could regret not spending enough time together.
Good luck and let us know how you get on.