Partners Son

Hi Gracesgran, thanks for all the comments. I think things might be taking a little turn for the better as he dissapears off Saturday at 2.00pm and doesn't return until Sunday mid morning. Although he Denies it I think he has a girlfriend. We still have the little girl on Friday as he is working but I don't mind that so much. Rather than parcel her off Sunday afternoon his ex is keeping her for the weekend.

Many good points made by other posters but as I read I kept feeling this is not and should not be your problem.

The commitment you have chosen to make to your partner is one that means your house is still yours and quite a bit of your time is your time. The fact that the son is abusing these arrangements is not your problem it is his dad's.

It will be difficult but, as far as I can see, the alternative may be you and his father no longer having a relationship. I feel you have to firstly speak to your partner and ask him to speak to his son or, at least to understand your position and then you have to start to say no. Do not make excuses, do not blame yourself, they are not your responsibility. I think caller ID on your phone would be useful as, once you have said no a few times you can make sure you just don't answer his calls for a while.

He seems to be very thick-skinned and selfish and he needs training so first "no" and then no reply would, I hope, get through to him in the end. Should he just turn up it would be a pain but until he gets the message say you are just going out and it's not convenient. Actually get your coat on and go if necessary until you brake the habit he has, very conveniently for him, got in to.

Can I come too!

P.s. running away sounds like a good Plan B!

Wow, Houseseller, you do have a lot to deal with. Please try to explain all this to your partner and get him to support you in whatever way you need.

Houseseller; I realised today that, with various squabbles between my partner and one of my children I'm the only one with nowhere to go at Christmas. If you run away can I join you . Families; huh!!!

Thanks Faye, it's not easy to explain situations in a few words, also we tend to dwell on the negative when we have had enough. I am in a bit piggy in the middle as the ex partner also needs support and visits with the child as well. I have to say she is a lovely woman who has put up with a load of grief from son over the years and total neglect. What with the divorce of my eldest daughter constantly texting with her problems and my youngest dealing with her new husbands ex I feel like running away sometimes.

I am pleased to hear that Houseseller, I did wonder if I was a bit harsh on your partner. I do think it is his place though to remind his son that he should be spending more time doing activities that his daughter would enjoy, even if it's playing a board game or cooking together.

It sounds as if this will only be a temporary situation [unless he starts wanting you to look after the child while he spends time with the new girlfriend more and more]. Trust me, it does help having a grumble on here!

Hi Faye, my partner does not take advantage of me, he does a lot in my home and garden and sharing the cost of food, the son is the selfish one.

Hi Tegan, no she doesn't sleep at mine although she would like to. I think son may have found a girlfriend as he tried to palm daughter off on us when he should have had her. Fortunately my family were coming to visit so put my foot down. I feel a bit better about it having these conversations sometimes it helps just to get it off your chest.

Your partner is taking advantage of you and so is his son, both coming round every weekend expecting you to cook them meals, while they sit back being waited on, at your expense.

I feel sorry for you and the eight year old girl. Tell these two it's time the child got to spend her weekends in her own home. Let them also know you are very tired of being taken advantage of and you expect to be taken out for a few meals. Put your foot down Houseseller.

I once found myself in a similar position, when friends of mine separated. The father went to live and work in London and was sleeping on a put-you-up in the sitting room, so I stupidly offered to put him and his 4 year old up at weekends so that he could play with my DD and have some continuation of a normal life.

But his dad treated us like a hotel, left all the boy's care to me and never brought round wine, flowers or chocolates - plus my friend wasn't all that happy with me, even though she knew I was doing it for her son's sake, as I was very fond of him. Ex didn't mind - it hardly affected him at all, much like your partner. I think he quite liked having another male around to gang up against me with. I kept it up for two months but as the summer ended and I realised that we were all going to be cooped up inside every weekend, I knew it had to come to an end and reduced it to once a month. After that he only came down twice, he told me that he had found a flat but what had actually happened was that he found a girlfriend who was willing!

Stop him coming round. I finally realised that I wasn't helping him to have a good relationship with his son at all. He barely spoke to him apart from when he read him a bedtime story.

Jingls has suggested child-friendly things to do. Maybe the son could do some of those with the little girl, instead of always hanging out at your place.
They seem like fairly selfish blokes who will take advantage of you as long as you let them.

Do they sleep over as well, Houseseller?

I'm afraid my partner has only become a welcoming Dad since I came on the scene, I have encouraged him to take more interest in his son. prior to that he was always too busy to spare the time. I seem to have become the unreasonable person here by some. All I want is not to be expected to do it every weekend. The son is perfectly capable of cooking and keeping house, in fact he is a very good cook it's just easier to get me to do it and a lot cheaper. I would never expect my partner to neglect his family any more that he would expect me to neglect mine.

Can you and the little girl have a 'girls only outing' ? You could leave the two men at home and take her somewhere you also would like to visit - if it were me I would also have something to eat while out and then when you get back simply say you are not hungry!

I do feel for you, Houseseller. Men tend not to make 'homes'; they have pied a terres and seem to rely on women to create a homely environment [not all men, I hasten to add]. This is the case with my partner. He only stays at weekends but, from the minute he arrives the television goes until when he leaves on Monday I feel that the house is no longer mine. He once said that he felt more at home at my house than his own; the problem is that I feel the opposite. It reached a stage where people were emailing him at my email address; phoning him here assuming he would always be here etc etc. I would imagine your partners house is like my parters [and probably his sons also]. I can understand them preferring to be at your home but it doesn't mean that they should impose on you like this. It also costs a lot having people stay; not just food but heating, showers etc.As for advice, I don't know what to say, although I have 'claimed back my territory' to a certain extent recently. Like you I'd hate to be on my own completely again. But they will expect more and more of you, the more comfortable they feel.

Or you could all go to child-friendly places. Farm open days, Father Christmas at the garden centre, museums with child appeal displays. They can be great fun. You could give it a try.

It does seem a lot of estranged fathers have great difficulty knowing what to do with their children on contact visits, which as someone else has said, is probably part of the reason why they are estranged fathers.

I would suggest you talk to your partner about this and suggest your partner, or both of you, give some help to his son to get his home more child friendly. Can he cook for himself? Does he been some easy cooking lessons.

Suggest places to take the daughter out to on days when he has her.

I can see exactly why you resent this, but maybe a bit of input in improving his housekeeping and child amusing skills right now,may allow you more freedom in the future.

To the posters calling the son selfish I would say, - no, he is simply a son in need of help from his dad.

They are a family unit.

I guess it's a case of "love me, love my family". Your partner is already a loving dad and grandad from his previous relationship. That is not going to stop suddenly because he has found a new relationship with you.

His son needs, and is entitled to his father's help and support at a difficult time. The little girl needs somewhere happy to be with her family at the weekends when she spends time with her dad. It just happens to be with you, at your house, that this happens.

This situation is almost bound to arise in later life new relationships. Your partner cannot be expected to cut his previous family ties. Neither should you expect him to. He has to be available whenever he is needed by them.

You are a grownup. You choose. How much do you want to continue with this partnership?

Houseseller I am creating a situation for myself that gives him the power.
Don't blame yourself. He has pushed you into the situation with his passive-aggressive behaviour. You don't have to stay in it, tho.
Lots of good points there from Elegran.

If you find they are not working for you in a few months, make a new set.

Set ground rules for everyone concerned.
Ground rules that you like and want.
Then stick to them.