Mumsnetter asking AIBU about Childcare from GPs

There are quite a few positions in between those extremes, anya, including my position about which you know nothing.

Do we actually know whether the GPs said anything positive? I suspect we don't.

I've come to the conclusion that there are those of us who find it a joy and a privilege to look after our grandchildren and those who find it a tiring imposition.

Neither will convince the other, nor do they need to. So that being true

I mean the OP on Mumsnet. She is coming in for a lot of criticism. I didn't say there were insults did I?

scrolls back though post

We are discussing the issue thatbags and I have stated my confusion as to what this poor woman has done wrong. She had thought there was an arrangement in place, and suddenly she finds out, at Christmas that it looks as if her parents are finding it all too much, via her sister. What a shock for a working mother.

I was rather touched by her hurt that her parents didn't express any positives such as they love their GC, even if they are finding it too much.

I think she is getting flack because she makes so many assumptions. I am quite cross with my own DD at the moment because she has assumed that, at a family wedding later this year, I will be happy to toddle off to bed early with the kids while she goes on to a specially-booked nightclub after the main event. I quite like the idea of a bop, aged and infirm GP that I am...

But her MiL, who lives close to her, is amazing. She never minds how many of her GCs she looks after, or for how long. I think she's mad. I like seeing mine for weekly blocks, but would hate to have them on a weekly basis. I know I would feel too tied, I did feel tied by my own children, so I wouldn't want that again. I have several friends who care for their GCs and it does seem to cause consternation when they realise they have had enough. The parents seem to take it very personally.

I heard my next door neighbour's Mum shouting at the twins ( ) for several days in a row. I saw my neighbour and gently asked her if she didn't think her Mum might be finding it a bit much. They are now three and she has had them since they were born. My neighbour kept on asking, why, but I wouldn't say more. Within two weeks they were booked into a nursery every morning and now Grandma only has them in the afternoons for a couple of hours. No more shouting. I for one am very happy with the new arrangement and Grandma looks ten years younger.

I think the key to this is the Mumsnet OP's pregnancy. She doesn't mention having consulted the GPs about whether they will be able to look after 2 children.
They probably feel a bit taken for granted and (I guess) are finding it more tiring than they expected to be looking after one DGS, especially if his mum accepts bad behaviour as normal.

And is discussion of an issue "flack"? I wouldn't have defined it so; it's just a discussion with people putting forward various points of view. There are no insults or anything that could be called flack that I can see.

Which OP? The Gransnet one or the Mumsnet one?

I really don't understand why the OP is getting all this flack

And would she be willing to help them out, Faye? Having read her OP, I am sceptical that she would.

My experience is that most elderly parents don't ask their adult children for help - not only do they prize their independence, but they don't want to be a burden.

Good point Faye

In about ten to fifteen years the OP is possibly going to find herself one of the sandwich generation. I wonder if her parents will ask her to help them out as elderly parents often do.

We love looking after our DGC occasionally but find it exhausting. They are lovely children and we are a very close family but I would find regular childminding difficult. A lot depends on your circumstances and health. We both love our GC a lot but none of us know how much time we have left and both Grandparents and children should be considered. My own childrens GPs loved them but lived too far away too look after them at any time. When our children were young we did not go out for meals on our own, go on holidays alone go shopping together or anything on our own as there was no one to look after the children. Did we feel hard done by, no we did not. We chose to have them and enjoyed being with them.

Looking after the GC isn't a one sided arrangement. It shouldn't be looked at as a chore or a favour you are doing the parents. Get stuck in an enjoy it! The rewards will surprise you.

Although common sense might suggest that as you get older you could possibly anticipate you might lack the energy to cope with babies and toddlers?

However there is the argument that this might have the opposite effect and keep you fit and more mentally alert.

Perhaps it all comes down to how fit you are physically and mentally, and whether it's something you actually want to do.

My immediate reaction is that she is expecting too much and taking her parents for granted.

Just reading the follow up most of them on MN seem to agree she is pushing her luck. They are a lot more outspoken in this situation than we lot generally are.

A number of members of gransnet have remarked at various times how exhausted they are after looking after grandchildren. I think they might be forgiven for not anticipating this outcome because, apart from anything else, it's probably quite a while since they looked after young kids.

Besides which, it's harder, I think, to look after someone else's kids than one's own.

We were very hard up and when my daughter was about 2 I asked mum to look after her (I did pay her though not as much as a registered childminder) while I did some temping. It lasted two weeks and then she said dad said she wasn't to do it.

Our son and his partner's first pregnancy was unplanned but we immediately offered to look after their baby while they were both at work. We did this 4 days a week for about a year or so and then there was another unexpected pregnancy. We'd already said we couldn't look after 2 young children and so they moved away to a cheaper area where they could live on just one salary. They've since moved back and my son's partner cut her working hours. We look after the second child 2 days a week and the older child goes to nursery 2 days a week.

We also take the children out and babysit. We enjoy it and our son and his partner are very appreciative of what we do. They understood that we would find it too tiring to look after two young children on a regular basis.

I'm afraid I don't see the mumsnet's OP's point of view. People should not be expected to look after their grandchildren - it is up to them to help if they are able and willing. The OP's attitude is, I think, very unreasonable.

I thought the posters on mumsnet were very understanding of the situation of grandparents and, on the whole, supported the grandparents' position.

They've had their children. Looking after DGC occasionally is OK but not on a permanent basis for such long periods of time. OP says that they're not ill or anything as if they have no excuse for not wanting to be tied down with such a young and probably tiring young child.

They're retired. They should be able to take holidays and have days out whenever they want. They shouldn't have to plan their lives around their daughter's work obligations.

Both my DDs work part time to help the family budget. Both get tax credits to help pay for childcare. They live within their means and manage quite well...sometimes borrowing from Peter to pay Paul but overall managing

I wonder why the OP works. Is it to pay for a bigger house, better car, holidays or for essentials? If it's the former then I have no sympathy. Downsize and cut back. If it's the latter then she needs to look at child tax credits for childcare or benefits available for families on a low income. She cannot expect her parents to give up their lives to her needs.

I am similar to Anya and have provided childcare for all my six GC at some time while their parents worked or studied.

Possibly the OP should have realised her parents would like their weekends off and not left her child with them while renovating.

I do think the replies were harsh and judgemental.

I can see both sides of this debate. Easy to understand GP whose attitude is 'we've done our bit and now we want some time to ourselves' but things have changed so much since my children were little. Most families have to have both parents working as the 'second income' isn't just for 'extras' any more, but for essentials.

Childcare is prohibitively expensive. So what are young parents supposed to do?

I looked after all my grandchildren from babies until they went to school. It wasn't easy but I now have a very close relationship with them. And of course they don't stay little for very long. I now only have the 3-year old a couple of days a week and that's a doddle.

Of course my DD and DDiL (or for that matter my DSiL and DS) would have preferred to be able to look after their own children, as I'm guessing the OP (mumsnet) would too.

Both the OP and her parents are in a difficult situation and being rude or judgemental about either party is not going to help.

My DDs said they wanted me as a real grandma and not free child care.

Having said that we did offer (our choice because we knew finances were very tight) to look after the youngest one day a week while DD works - the other 2 days are managed in other settings. At the moment I am not well enough to do it; we will have to reconsider when I surface again.

Our children need to recognise that we get more easily tired a we get older and take that into consideration when asking for committed child care.

The other side of the coin of course is that you establish a close and special relationship with the GC you are caring for and that is very precious.

Nant? I think that was meant to be "many" ...

I see the OP on the Mumsnet thread is back. Mumsnet sure is feisty - and Nant posters are plain rude. But having 're-read her OP and her response to the replies, I think she is very naive. Surely - 4 months into her second pregnancy - she should not have assumed her folks would take on the new baby too.

She has set herself up for feeling hurt.

We have always told DD when we where available if she needed childcare for work or school holidays, not her told us when she wanted us to be available and if it didn't fit in with our lifestyle then she made other arrangements by way of sharing childcare with her friends or nurserycare.
As the children have got older they have become easier to look after obviously and now if DD is at work they will drop in for an hour or so after school but cause no distruption to our daytime schedule.I do love them just arriving and telling us of their day and what they have been up to.

I didn't read all 6 pages but that discussion is weird - why hasn't the OP reappeared?

I can't imagine that a situation like this would arise with my grandchild (I have one) - because he is his folks' responsibility first and foremost. And when they need help with childcare (so far unrelated to work, so it's more a case of babysitting, although we have once had him overnight), they ask and we say yay or nay depending on whether it is convenient. It would never be a given, it is a request and/or negotiation.

So am I weird? We do love having him by the way.