Advice please.

I must say the teachers that I have come across seem to be very reasonable, committed and caring people.

I have in the past met older teachers with some quite rigid and unpleasant views but hopefully those sorts of teachers are much rarer now.

I take exception to your statement that

many teachers are not the sensible, well-rounded individuals, skilled in dealing with children, that we might hope for.

Some I can accept but many is a bit of an exaggeration! You should meet the parents and kids!

Can I just say that it may be that the teacher did know exactly what happened and her reaction was what the school policy sets out. We only know what has been posted on here and I am not suggesting it is not correct it is only one perspective.

That is why I said if it had been your 4/5 year old DGD that became upset because a child had said they were going to kill them what would you want the teacher to do??

It is not the way I personally would have handled the situation however different schools have different rules.

Seems like the teacher is between a rock and a hard place.

I think it would be a good idea to get an appointment with the head teacher.
Your DD was not happy with the way her DS and his supposed home situation was spoken about in the hearing of other parents. The teacher should never have done that.
Your DD could also ask what basis the teacher has for her ideas on the home situation, and whether there has been cause for concern with her DS's behaviour previously.

Unfortunately, many teachers are not the sensible, well-rounded individuals, skilled in dealing with children, that we might hope for.

I don't think anyone did say,or even suggest that all little girls are sneaky Absent . In my family we have noticed that my DGS always seems to be the one being caught for doing something silly or naughty whilst the eldest DGD is much more sneaky and is often the one to instigate the trouble. She is a pretty little girl and puts on the "sweet and innocent" face and voice whenever trouble is brewing.

I know we don't know the whole story, and neither did the teacher know what had happened before did she? Which surely made the way she reacted all the worse.

I don't see the "incident" as being very "serious" but it did need to be addressed. A letter of apology for a five-year old needs be only a few words within the scope of a bright and literate boy as described: "Dear [name] I am sorry" would be fine and would probably have a more lasting impact on all concerned than anything that is just verbal.

I'm not at all sure why some Gransnetters are quite so forceful about little girls being sneaky. All of them?

It is concerning that the teacher has made assumptions about your daughter's and grandson's family life and that should also be addressed – quietly and privately. However, it is important to remember that if a child is showing signs of distress or antisocial behaviour – and I am not making any accusations because I have no details of the whole story and do not make assumptions – we would all pillory a teacher who didn't follow up in some way and then some major problem resulted.

I like Anya's suggested approach. I thought an important point she made was, along with a telling off, apology and handshake, it is important to express surprise at such behaviour "in a little boy who is usually kind".

I agree that a child should feel comfortable telling a teacher if he/she feels upset or intimidated but I think how the situation arose should be investigated. In this particular case it sounded like it might have been "six of one and half a dozen of the other" and so the reaction seems heavy handed to me.

I don't think it's very nice for a child to call other children "poo head" or any similar term. Given that it's usually not just one child using these terms, I would think a teacher could speak to the whole class about the way they talk to each other. If the name calling continues, I think it would be appropriate for the teacher to speak separately to the child/children in question.

It is not appropriate for children of any age to upset other children, even if they did not realise they would ad they need to learn that. In my experience both girls and boys tell adults when they have been upset. Schools teach children to tell an adult if they are upset. It is not sneaky! Teachers are generally not idiots. They know the kids in the class and their modus operandi and are skilled in managing their various needs.

It is entirely possible that GAs DGS had said things like this before and it had been dealt with in class and low key but that he had not responded to the 'early warning' and so has moved to the next stage of the behaviour management policy. That is why I suggested checking what the policy said!

I agree that a teacher should not discuss a behaviour issue with a parent in the hearing of others but the teacher is quite right that she must not discuss other children, or what sanctions they may have been given, with another parent. That would be dreadful!

I can't help but wonder what the debate would have been if the OPs DGC had been the girl in this situation.

What a to do about the management of a five year olds behaviour. I worked 20 years ago in primary school with 4 and 5 year olds where playground behaviour was a mixed lot. I heard so many insults and offensive behaviour where most were addressed in a sensible manner without leaving a scarred child in its wake. What's wrong with being sensible these days? What's wrong with private discussion with children/parents/grandparents. I've heard classroom chat about individuals difficult behaviour and it's a sin that this should be allowed. Each incident should be dealt with on an individual basis as each has its own merit. Little children should not be frightened of going to school in any shape or manner. I realise it can be difficult for teachers to address certain matters but I would advise support to them in order to achieve a satisfactory outcome.

Goodness me what an over reaction by the teacher. There are always 2 sides to every story and surely by now she should know something of the character of these children and act accordingly.
This habit of writing letters of apology Is spreading but I think they are a total waste. The child does it because its been told to not because he or she feels sorry. And they're 5 for heavens sake.
And in case you're wondering I was a teacher once!

That little girl had better toughen up because she has the rest of primary school and then secondary school to get through. If she's going to tell tales at the drop of the hat she will definitely be picked on.

DD has taught in schools where, 'I'm going to kill you' means the teachers start thinking about restraint procedures.

That is why I was bringing up about procedures.
Is she going with it? Or not?
And if she is, which I doubt, the procedures sound like they need to be changed, or at least reviewed and tightened.

Sounds like the teacher needs a read of them.

A parent can always ask to see the procedures, even if they are not online. I did it once, and was given a whole load of them to peruse, and shown where the rest were if I fancied a read of all of them!

It sounds to me as if the teacher was going by the book, and taking it too literally, playing safe. I would be far more worried if it was said by a ten year old. MiL once reported a child for something similar, with dreadful consequences, social services became involved and it was almost a year before the child was returned to his parents. She told me about it and expected sympathy, but I was horrified and asked, How could you? She said it was procedure - and that was 20 years ago. DBH said it was because although he frequently threatened to kill his little brother, he was never snitched on and never did it in her hearing! I often heard DD's little boy friends threaten to kill her during their games, aged around four. I just used to say - kill them back. None of them appear to have been scarred for life.

I think this is something that happens with particularly bright kids. Sounds so much like the child of a my DD's friend. He is intelligent beyond his years, but he was also, for a while, a little horror! It was a phase. He is definitely coming out of it now!

Not saying that yours is a little horror granny-a. Just don't worry about it. They push the boundaries.

Is the teacher inexperienced?

Thank's for that annsixty

Yes things are very different these days aren't they? I could count on one hand the amount of times my parents looked after my two but my own grandma looked after my sister and I a lot. Maybe it isn't such a generational thing at all, just different personalities.

Time for Mum to talk to Headteacher about this.

I obviously worded my post badly Gillybob I was referring to both sets of GP's at a time -late 60's ,mid 70's when I think they were not so involved with GC at the level they are today.I have made it clear on other threads that I also am very involved with my GC.I was thinking aloud about the way past generations were not so close. But then again perhaps it was just my family.

This is all very unfortunate. I do hope it's sorted out soon. The teacher must act more professionally. I know they are under a lot of strain with Ofsted etc., but honestly talking like that in front of other parents, it's just not on.

You don't want to cause an escalation from your side, certainly, and it needs to be put behind everyone. I hope the teacher and the other parent can move on from this.
Whilst the adults are still heatedly discussions issues like this, you will often find the children playing happily together having forgotten all about it - unless of course one or more of the adults makes a big deal out of it.

Not sure what you mean about "not involving your mother in law....." annsixty Surely it depends on how involved MiL is with the day to day upbringing of the children. Speaking for myself, I take the children to and from school at least twice a week. They stay over at mine at least twice a week too. I am known by the teachers as I have done this for all three children since they were born, so if an incident such as this happened in our family I know DDiL would want to discuss it with both me and her mum.

I can't believe how this teacher has behaved/is behaving. Perhaps she is now scared of losing face and doesn't really know how to proceed. The PC world we live in has made it so difficult for everyone.

Whenever there was some sort of confrontation at school, I used to say, "Never mind who started it. It ends now. Both shake hands and say sorry." Believe it or not, that even worked with the eleven year old boys, who thought it was embarrassing, but funny and that broke the 'spell'.

I wonder if a word with the Head could resolve this without it becoming too confrontational?

My son was bumped into a higher class at the Easter of his reception year as he was obviously bright, but he was not emotionally mature enough to deal with some of the rather agresssive six year old boys he encountered.

This particular teacher was not sympathetic or skilled at managing him and the teasing/bullying etc which she should have been on the look out for with a newcomer to the class.
He became very unhappy and had a bad year, spending a lot of time outside the headmasters office. The head himself was very experienced and well liked by the children and he could see and understand what my DS was about.

I did go and see the headmaster when eventually DS told me what was going on. That was shortly before that teacher had moved on to a Headship!!! For a while he had his lovely former reception class teacher back from her Mat leave.

At eight DS had a teacher who he really liked, despite as she said, she was very tough with him about his distractibility and fidgetyness. She had got the measure of him and knew just how to keep him motivated.

Sometimes a change of teacher, or if all else fails a school, can make a big difference to a child.

GA It does sound as though the teacher is not going to let this lie,she should have started to day afresh and made no more comments about it,and to discuss the matter in front of other mums is totally unprofessional imo,a time to speak to the Head Teacher I feel.
A lot of these comments are picked up in the playground we all know that with some knowing more than others,my two used to come home saying allsorts and we wondered where they had heard such things and it came from class mates who watched TV unsupervised and didn't know what was acceptable and what was not.
Writing a letter at 5yrs is certainly over the top and it does look like the other childs mother is making a mountain out of a molehill. and have a your little man will be fine.

As a former teacher and mother and grandmother (all boys) all I can say is that you will go mad trying to find out who started it, what actually happened, where any blame lies. Even if you hear or see the incident at first hand, you have no idea what happened previously. Schools aren't courts of justice, they are places where children should be given every opportunity to grow up. If I were the mother, I would be worried that the teacher will not let this go, and I would be even more worried that my son was getting upset about going to school. If the head is any good, she will also be worried by learning this. Sorry, grannya, it's one of the worst things to deal with and parents who try to be objective and rational are often at the mercy of teachers and other parents who are far from either.

"Killing" does not mean the same thing to little ones as it does to us. Making a huge fuss is inappropriate. He should simply have been told that it was not kind and asked to apologise. I am sorry he is feeling a bit less keen on school now. That is really a shame.

Heavens - you should have heard my brother dashing about with a gun and cowboy hat busy shooting everyone in sight when he was little!