Not sure how to feel

I said that if she does not put the episode completely behind her she will not return to the relationship as it was.

I don't see how that is nasty - it is the unvarnished truth, and I am sure the OP recognises that. How can the relationship be the same if she doesn't ever trust her daughter again, and holds what she said in anger against her for ever?

I also said that the whole blame cannot be put on her daughter (if her mother does not try to make peace with her). It takes two to make a quarrel. That is not being nasty, it is another truth. Uncomfortable, but true nonetheless.

The OP is not saying that it was nasty. Perhaps jollyg you should wait for her response before throwing accusations around.

Your views on men are pretty sweeping. My experience has been that there is the same mix of personalities in men as there is in women - some nice, some not, most of them average.

Elegran has offered her usual wise counsel. Nothing to retract in what she said.

I find it hard to understand the generalisation of your last sentence Jollyg. Selfishness is not the prerogative of men. My experience is actually the opposite.

Elegran doesn't need to retract what she's said because she was giving, good, sensible advice; she has never, ever on this forum said anything that could be interpreted as 'pure nasty'.

Your last comment is pure nasty, so please retract. Elegran

My experience of a husband is that they want an easy life.

Wife bears the kids, looks after them, he goes to the golf course/ whatever, he might be supportive or not, might get involved with someone else/or not.

Men have a selfish gene, and that perhaps has to do with procreation, we mere women are just carriers .

You also have the think of your husband's high blood pressure.

Your daughter is difficult, the one thing I would do is not give her any more money...ever.

If your DD has been unsharing since she was a toddler, despite your best efforts, I think you might have got used to it by now and work round it.

I hope you can get back to a civilised relationship. Good luck.

I wouldn't call your husband talking to his daughter disloyalty to you. His relationship with his daughter is independent of yours.

Besides, he's still speaking to you (and living with you?) so he is being loyal. He's being loyal to both you and your daughter because you are both important to him.

Sorry to come back to it, but your last paragraph does indicate that you will ^ not^ really put it behind you. If so you will never get back the previous relationship - and not all the blame will be on your daughter (some but not all of it)

Yes it is true, she is totally spoilt and always got what she wanted and therefore I must take most of the blame for how she is, but even when she was little she was an un sharing little girl and I tried everything to teach her to share but she was never comfortable sharing.

Meercat thank you for sharing the story about your friend, it helped me to think of the consequences

Such good comments. I would like to say Thank you to everyone it has help immensely.

I agree with everyone that has advised to bury the hatchet and I appreciate that no one has said that me wanting loyalty was unacceptable because as you all may have gathered it is very important to me.

All the disagreements and bad feeling's, have made me feel unwell and I just want to let it all go now and put it behind me

However I will now be always weary of my daughter and what she is capable of, I truly never thought that she would be capable of involving the children in any type of disagreement that we would have and was totally shocked and hurt to the cor,

Therefore my plan is that I will put it behind me but never let her get that close to me personally or give her the confidence to do it again.

Thank You once again to everyone that has taken the time to try and help

I have a friend who fell out with her DS. She expected her DH to take her side and to an extent he did but he was willing to let it go and move on for the sake of maintaining the relationship. She still isn't willing to do that even a couple of years on. Guess who is still unhappy and feels on the outside of her own family?

Whatever the rights and wrongs, and I agree with everything that has been said about the difficulty of living with adult children, in the end you have decide if you would be prepared to let the relationship end or get worse or if you are prepared to move on.

It seems as if the loyalty issue is very important to you so do you think it would work if you got your DH to agree to sit down with you and with your DD and talk about what had happened and how it made you feel? If you did this you would also have to be prepared to hear how each of them felt about it too. Maybe then you would be able to put it behind you all and move on.

I'm confused here, in the OP you refer to the baby as "her", but you then say that your grandson is 9 months old?

I recall a phrase: Do you want to be right... or do you want to be friends ? (or something similar)

I am not in your position.
I don't think I could ever not speak to a dc. But who knows.

I would speak to dd next time you meet ....
If issues arise again... then calmly at the time... ask,
why did you do that?.
Or... Did you mean to be unkind?

Yes, you want dh to see the situation from your point of view - doesn't look like that it going to happen.
But will he discuss it calmly with you.
By now he possibly feels he definitely wants to hear no more about it and sometimes it's a case of having to agree to differ.

Sadly you feel that you don't have any support (hence you appreciate talking to your sister).

If the volatile behaviour is an ongoing history with your dd, is there any reason why it should change. If you and she keep doing the same things then the end result will be the same. Someone has to change. I cannot understand that given such a tumultuous history - how you all agreed to share a house.

I love our children dearly, never has one of them mistreated us. But I still on occasion can feel like shaking one of them and certainly wouldn't want any of them living with me, it wouldn't work.

Mothers get their hearts and feelings bruised and broken. It goes with the territory. You and dd need a hug and to agree that even though you fall out, you will both do your best to get over it.

DH is in a sad position. Please don't make him choose.

You say your daughter is your husband's favourite. She is probably well aware of this and knows how to play you both against each other. She may be secretly delighted that you are now being left out in the cold while she and her dad are all chummy together. She's probably always been able to twist him round her little finger. It sounds as if she is being very childish - and when you talk of wanting your husband to be loyal to you, I think what you mean is that you want your husband to be 'on your side'. This attitude is making it more and more like a playground squabble and nothing will change if you continue with this approach. Your daughter is utterly in control here and I suspect she always has been, her father's favourite, always getting what she wants. I really do think, as others have suggested, that you should be the grown-up here and just bury the hatchet. Start to talk to your daughter again, with out reference to the falling out, just put it all behind you.
What of your other children? - I'm assuming there are others as she is a favourite. Are they aware of the situation? I'm not suggesting they should be dragged into the fray, but it would be comforting for you if you had a more balanced relationship with your other children.

You say you gave her £10,000 last year. Was it given for a specific purpose? Presumably as they are living with you it was not a contribution towards a deposit on a house or flat.

Several years ago we had a long thread with another Gransnetter, with similar, but worse problems than yours and it gradually became clear that throughout her life their daughter had been showered with everything she wanted; as a child her wants and wishes were paramount; as an adult the money was always there to get her out of debt, buy her a new car etc etc. If her parents ever tried to withhold anything she threw tantrums, said she didn't love them etc etc.

In fact she was the way she was because it was what she had been brought up to be; selfish and self centred, thinking only of herself. She had been killed by kindness. Has this happened in your family?

Parcs It is very difficult living with a grown up child. IMO the minute they get back under their parents roof they seem to go into being a child again. I think it's even harder to live in your mothers house and be a mother yourself.

I was at my 30 something daughter the other day and for one reason and another she was very rude to her father. I really felt like tearing her off a strip but I bit my tongue.

Never get into a feud with your children, do not expect you husband to take sides. You want to keep up contact with your grandchild
Tresco has made an excellent point.

OK, I understand, she doesn't want you to be hurt again.

My sister is just looking out for me

with both hands out--but if we need help he is off again, no were to be seen

SIL keeps out of it and only is around when we are handing out the cash

Never have favourites - or if you have, never ever show it.

Does your SIL have an opinion in all this? - you haven't mentioned him (only your sister - who should keep her opinions to herself imo).

Thank you Elegran, your words calm me and put me were I want to be but find it difficult getting there Thank you

If this daughter is your husband's favourite, then that explains a lot. If this is longstanding, it may never change. Perhaps your daughter needs to go to counselling with you and your husband- for all of your sakes and the grandchildren. If you try to solve this on your own, you would be outnumbered. You have given a huge amount of money and received no acknowledgement. This bespeaks huge entitlement - perhaps also longstanding. I value my son who always has my back.

There is no point asking me how I would have felt, because I was not there, and it did not happen to me. I would just be either confirming that you are right to be angry or saying that she was right - and I have no idea which.

She is his daughter too, so he will have divided loyalties. If you insist on him being loyal just to you and keeping up the bad feeling, you will regret it - not only with your daughter but with your husband too. Don't keep up the resentment with him. It is past. Let it go. Start again.I imagine you were all pretty wound up with living on top of one another, so outbursts were inevitable.