Why is this a problem

It sounds like you have had lots of happy times, unfortunately I can not say the same, we have had lots of mostly bad times and I have found that the older I become the more I crave for a happier peaceful life.

"I think that what you need when you retire is a job that isn't a job," said DH when we were planning our individual retirements. And we did just that, with the organisation to which we both belong - Rotary International (in different clubs, I hasten to add) and others.

I "worked" for quite some time as an Ambassador for Cancer Research UK, talking to groups and fundraising, and DH "worked" as Chair of the moderating board at the Young Offenders Institute.

We have slowed down a bit now, but he still goes off cycling every other day (does about 26 miles!!!) and I do a bit of mediation work.

That suited us - we could not live in each other's pockets. But then, the first twenty or so years of our marriage were spent in the Armed Forces, where one had to be able to cope independently.

I have a friend with a DH like that. She just lets him get on with doing nothing while she continues all her usual activities, most of which are outside the home. Early on he was diagnosed with diabetes and became obsessed with having to eat his meals at absolutely regular times and wanting his wife to be always home on time so that she could prepare the meal and they could eat together. She told him firmly if the time he ate was an issue she would keep the fridge stocked so he could prepare a meal himself if she was not home.

They are happily married and all four of us meet up regularly for a meal and her DH is good company. My friend has always been the more social active one in the partnership and she quietly made it clear that her life was going to remain active, even though DH was now retired and happy to do nothing much all day.

I don't think it is ever too late, retirement is such a dramatic change in life style for both parties, it can take a while to adjust. We made the change slowly, I retired from normal full time work at 57, I then worked part time for a charity as a carer, gradually cutting back on my hours, when DW retired I was only working 5 hours/week. DW also gradually cut her hours towards her retirement.

Retirement is a bit late to start on getting DH to do things himself. We have always done our own thing. - a recipie for a happy marriage. DH has now taken up carpentry and reads a lot and goes on long hikes.
I play Bridge. I never liked anybody hanging on to me and if he did that now I would go crazy.
Hope he finds a hobby. Its no state for either of you at the moment. At least tell him how you feel.

I think the incessant 'looking' is a form of prevarication, it drove me potty looking for my last second hand car, so much so I dumped him at MacDonalds, bought him a Big Mac and coffee and phoned him an hour later when I had decided- bit like he was a recalcitrant child

It was either that or leave him 17 miles from home with no transport..... quite tempting at the time! It also stopped him quizzing the saleswoman about everything and anything (cringe), not that he's an expert!

greyduster . That's exactly what I thought!!

Loopy that would be us, re the cars. DBH takes months to research his, and they always but always have faults. I go to second hand garages, ask which one the salesmen would buy for their own wives, walk off with one half an hour later, and have had the last one for 8 years without problems (crossfingers) and it is 15 years old.

Haha loopy. Sounds like my DH - whatever he's buying, whether it's shoes or a new carpet, he has to look at every available option, online and on the high street.
Our kettle packed up a couple of weeks ago, so I popped down to Sainsbury's and bought a new one - took about half an hour max. When he saw it, my DH found a couple of faults, nothing major, just niggly things that could have been improved on. I said, "That's because I just went in one shop and chose a reasonably priced, decent looking one. Quickly. You would have trudged round every electrical retail outlet in the area, spent half a day doing it, and you'd have ended up with something largely similar." It's a kettle, FHS. It boils water. It switches off automatically.

Penstemmon, are you sure you're not me living in a parallel universe???

Penstemmon & AshTree that's summed us up too! I daren't start imagining what I'm like to live with

We've been married 38 years and we have shared (long walks, holidays, NT visits etc) and separate interests (he goes gliding [shudder]) too.
Yes we bicker and drive each other mad from time to time but that's hardly grounds for separation!

Mine wouldn't come car seeking with me so I went off, tried and bought one all in 4 hours and he was flabbergasted- he'd spend weeks and go round umpteen garages, I went to one - I'm thrilled with it and begrudgingly admits 'it's not a bad car' (I paid for it too so he couldn't argue!)

Exactly Ash ! Too much positive shared history to throw away just because he won't come and look at new fitted wardrobes with me

Excellent post Penstemmon. I think you've probably described the majority of long term marriages. We also are so very different - DH sounds a little like your husband in terms of being wary of change, but he is the untidy one, but kind of mentally organised, makes lists and so on.
I am the sociable one, like to do new things, meet people and so on. Although naturally tidy, I have long since given up trying to keep the house tidy because of DH's untidiness .
And yes, we've always been like this and it's OK most of the time. I don't think I would cope with being married to someone who was like me in every respect, shared my opinions and views and so on. I think I'd find that a little tedious - and being a naturally argumentative person, I would probably look for differences . Frankly I often wonder how he puts up with me . But separation? God no!

I now see that you have another thread on the go. Which puts this one into a bit more perspective.

Oh yes pompa. Nothing wrong with threatening to bugger off quietly remove oneself from his household now and again. Reminding him, of course, of the dinners he would have to shop for and cook, the washing he would have to cope with, etc etc.

I usually threaten to go and live with son in Exeter. (not sure what son would think of that!)

Ooops! Should read he will 'studiously complete any task or project'

Parcs I try to imagine what I must be like to live with.

I can be bossy & over-enthusiastic. I love change and doing different things, I am a 'starter' not a 'finisher' . I am untidy but organised in arrangements. I am sociable and like going out and meeting new people.

DH is a know it all and cautious. He is wary of change so rarely starts things but will studiously and is tidy but dis-organised when doing anything. He likes to stick with long-standing friends he knows well rather than expand hs friendship group.

However we have always been like that & been together for 40+ years and still enjoy each others company ...most of the time! He infuriates me sometimes just as I infuriate him but that's part of the marriage. it would feel wrong to ditch him just because our differences are shown up in greater relief now we spend more time together!

Perhaps, a separation (planned on your part) will make him realise he has to work at your relationship. Mrs. P has pulled me up sharply from time to time, and I think I have responded (for a while anyway). Us men do need more than a hint.

Very true Elegran

Ii am sure there are not many people who think of separation as a cure for the inevitable effects of being thrown together 24/7 as we get older. Why condemn your other half to a life of lonely old age just because the glitter has gone out of your marriage? Death will us part soon enough, no need to hasten the split.

Living together does not prevent anyone from doing the things that interest them when they want to and doing things together when that is possible, and you will have things to talk about when you return. Perhaps hearing what an interesting time you have had will spark up a bit of his life too, and make him a more interesting partner?

Oh, and perhaps he is finding you rather boring as well? None of us is perfect. Improving your own environment could improve his too.

Jingl and grey duster both made good comments. I would hate to be without my husband, and we live a kind of companionable life often in separate rooms.,. I see nothing wrong with having your own life. I have twice been to the USA and European countries with group holidays. He has never minded. I joined U3A and go to lots of events without him. But always happy to come back to him. He, too, has no proper hobbies apart from stamp,collecting!! When we holiday together I always choose and arrange and he just goes along with it. I think the separate room where DH can hang out is a good idea and prevents you feeling frustrated watching him doing nothing.
Why separate? That sounds very extreme. Increase your own activities and your frustrated feelings will subside, I'm sure. Again, try U3A if there's one local to you.

PS *phoenix *as this is such a familiar subject I am not at all surprised that it may have been mentioned by other posters. Do you find it problematic? Please do not comment if you do not wish to��

It was mentioned that perhaps I need a bit of s small break away. I think that was very true and am planning a couple of days away.

I think that people that have posted have great morals and I am grateful for all your posts

Yes, similar to a previous thread . . .

Deja vu?