Why is this a problem

great advice ,Coolgran! I'm going to take it for me too-thank you!

Jomarie I am indeed fortunate but it was not always so.
We have been together for 17 years and married for 10.
Previously I had been married for 22 miserable and lonely years before leaving at age 46. Dashed dreams indeed.

Second time around I made sure I had a good long trial run before agreeing to get married again. Even then it was a big step not lightly taken. We are no way perfect.

And of course, irritations still occur. The oven cleaner is sitting on the kitchen workshop as a reminder to DH that he still hasn't cleaned the oven..... or painted the kitchen...or washed down the exterior window frames etc.
But he will do so eventually.

I think it helps DH that he planned and looked forward to retirement. He also had his sporting interests on the go for many years prior to retirement.

My dearest friend aged 70 has a special other this past 20 years, each with their own home. Another friend aged 76 has had special other this past 10 years.

Age is no barrier for companionship or whatever...My friends were happy to enjoy some 'whatever'

It is sad that you and Parcs might be resigned to living unhappily.
My suggestion to both of you is to forget about any other half being disinterested.
Accept that he will not change...but you can!! Go to the movies, the local theatre. Be upfront and ask a friend to join you. Go out for coffee and cake...a big slice !!! All for yourselves

If necessary, go to the coffee shop on your own and take a book with you and enjoy spoiling yourself. You may strike up a new friendship. Get a new hair style, a new colour, don't even tell him you're going to do it, and don't expect too much of a compliment/reaction. It doesn't matter that you may feel you don't go anywhere special....it's about you recognising that you are special and are going to make the most of life.

Have a manicure, treat yourself. It's wonderful what a confidence builder to your morale and wellbeing a little personal treat can be. If you don't normally wear lipstick then buy a nice soft rose pink to start with. And perhaps a nice (but cheap) pinky floral scarf to drape across your shoulders.
Let him wonder (or not)...... work on the new you. Both of you.

Go for it !!
Even if only at home doing a crossword you can look and feel like a Queen.
ANd never mind Mr not interested.

Coolgran - sounds like you have got what I hoped for. Very pleased for you and very envious...... My experience is aligned to Parcs' in many ways - so do understand how difficult it is to resign oneself to dashed dreams but as everyone, so far, is healthy, really feel that I shouldn't grumble. Count the blessings etc.

My DH plays bowls competitively summer and winter, he also plays golf one day each week.
I have two close friends - independent of each other, one still works. They know and like each other but we are not a threesome. Nothing definite is arranged but two of us usually meet up at least once as week for coffee, my home her home, coffee shop. We occasionally take a day out to do the shops. We may go to a movie that our DH don't fancy. We may go for a walk. All usually at short notice and on spec.
A few texts and the odd phone call for a chat usually when men would be watching football.
We share concerns and speak honestly.
There are other friends but these two are special, even though they don't socialise with each other.

The men concerned know and like each other but don't socialise unless we have arranged something.

This gives us our own space which. I like to have a few hours in the house on my own now and again.
A couple of days each week me and DH will do something and Sunday is generally family lunch but no pressure if plans are changed.

Space and consideration are important.
We're not perfect..... but we like what we have

Thank you for your comments it does help and really good suggestions
Things have calmed down with DD I am glad to say.

Oops sorry, I see they are not living with you but you seem to be very involved in each other's affairs, like the "joint purchase" you refer to and the business of the car insurance. Perhaps you all need to give each other more space, including you and your DH?

You need to do some serious thinking Parcs, you say your DH retired 5 years ago and everything has been OK until recently. What has changed?
You have also had stress with your DD, you have them living with you as I understand, and also you feel your DH is "siding" with your DD in the arguments? I have got this from your other thread, but dobn't see how these can be separated.
I find it hard to see how this is a reflection of your actual relationship, but rather that you are fed up to here with the situation at home and maybe you do need to reassess where things are at. Are you still working? Is there no prospect of the young ones finding their own place? There seem to have been some misunderstandings, like over the shared or not shared car and much could be down to a lack of actual communication in the family. You sound as if you cannot make up your mind about what you want. If your DH does not share your interests, go with a friend. If he does sweet nothing in the house and is fit enough to, give him his list of chores or responsibilities. Be clear what you want then act accordingly.
Finally, be careful what you wish for!

I agree with PARCS insomuch as you marry to share your life with someone, and that means doing things together, not everything, but certainly some things.

What!!?? You got married because you don't want to go out alone??!!

Margaretx there was a time when I was happy just looking after my children and not having much to do with DH. But as they needed me less,I looked to him for happiness and that was the biggest mistake I made because to date I am still waiting. Before we had children we worked together and were together most of the time and we were very happy and thought we would go back to that but we did not.

What I wanted to ask you Margaret iz a bit personal and please do not reply if you do not wish to. But why do you prefer to spend time away from DH. My DH tells me you don't need me and If I want to go out then I can go alone. But I don't want to go alone or be alone that's why I married

Parcs we will probably come to that eventually but I've met some very nice council carers and I'm not sure I'd want to inflict DH on them until it's really necessary.

Wise words Jomarie, I agree, develop space for yourself. Mine's a lifesaver, we all need 'me time'.

I've advised this before, on anther thread, but take a large spoonful of "bicarb of soda and rise above it" seriously though, separation is so hard to do in reality - particularly if you have no prop - I'm not being funny, but the people who leave long term relationships/marriages successfully, are usually those who have a "significant other" in the background/foreground - whatever. It is so very hard (without a lottery win) to say - that's it - I'm off - if you've been brought up in the 50's/60's with those values of "made your bed now lie in it" etc. I truly believe it is easier for those born after the feminist revolution to a) assert themselves in the realationship and b) go ahead and do it anyway!!. Perhaps I'm talking rubbish but "cool" talk and "hard" talk is easy to do but not so easy to put into practice. I advocate (after bitter experience) turning the tables and taking control i.e getting on with doing what YOU want to do - it could be "do nothing" but it could also be get involved in other stuff - just let the anger, resentment and stress go and find somewhere else to settle. As my Granny was wont to say "don't let the buggers get to you". Even at the tender age of 6 I knew who she was referring to! She didn't have a soul mate relationship with Grandpa but she had a brilliant relationship with her daughter (OC) and her four granddaughters - despite his dominance! That's the advice she gave and I think she is right - 50 years later.

Was desperately waiting for hub to go on holiday recently. He went for a week. I had a leak in the roof which reached down through bathroom to hall - and I was on my own to deal with it. No water for several days, plumbers came and went. By the time he got back I never wanted him to go away again. It's not just the practicalities, it's having someone to talk to about it all. Family and friends can't get that interested in someone else's leak.

Parcs, beware of thinking that separation wil solve all your problems. Being on your own is different but brings its own challenges. For instance you say he does nothing, but if there was a problem like a dripping tap or a radiator that needed bleeding who would fix it? or ask someone else to fix it? When you are on your own you become responsible for everything that goes wrong. I'm not saying it isn't right for some people but be careful -to use my mother's expression "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water"!

Parcs, many posters have resonated with you and understand how you are probably feeling. You do really need to get out there, wherever there is, and build up some interests for yourself. You won't change your husband and although you say he is "recently" retired, 5 years sounds like quite a while to me. You sound very sensitive and maybe you are are hesitant to make the effort but I would urge you to join something and spend less time at home resenting the unmotivated husband. Who knows, if you had some new interests and acquaintances to discuss he may feel like getting up and exploring the world outside home for himself. He could be depressed which having interests would help with. And it would definitely help you. Give it a try.

I took hub away for a long weekend in the run up to his retirement and discussed (as in spelt out) that we would be driving each other mad if in the house together all day, or even not in the house.

Hub now goes to gym most of one day and into town to a gallery or something on one other day. I volunteer here and there on a couple of days and there is a spare weekday for doing stuff together, plus weekends. That way we have something to talk about in the evenings.

Don't we all like time in the house on our own? Does anyone know of a husband who understands this?

Parcs going back a bit I'll grant you, but when two or three (maybe more, not worth going back to check) people who are making the same sort of comment as I did, namely that it seemed familiar just wondering why you chose to make a comment made/aimed specifically at me?

I could of course feel flattered to be the main object of a post, but funnily enough, it isn't working out that way!

When he was in hospital about three years ago

When was the last time you were away from your husband?

Thank you flick that is a good suggestion and somehow you simplified things.

I know what I want and that's to be happy. I have been confused about this in the past because I was putting off the separation but now I feel that if it were possible to remain friends, I think separation would be the best bet for me.

Deedaa things sound a little worse for you so sorry that you can not even go out but D You can get help, there is such a thing called Restbite that is offered free to carers like yourself a council carer stays with the. Sick person while the carer gets to go out for the day..although I can almost hear you say that your husband would not want that.

You do however have sufficient needs to apply for Restbite.

parcs It seems to me that your problems are far deeper than just the problems that go with a husband retiring and being at home all day not doing anything, which is what your OP suggested.

Perhaps what you really need is counselling with someone who has both marriage guidance experience and an understanding of the changes retirement has on relationships. Talking to an outside person with the right background knowledge might help you think about your situation and guide you as you work out what result you really want and what you must do to achieve that result.

I know just where you're coming from Parcs my DH also retired because of ill health. Because he is not a "joiner" and really has no interest in other people I always knew his retirement would be difficult, but I hadn't bargained on the illness as well! He can't carry on with the one hobby he had, which was sea fishing and isn't interested in anything else. I don't often go out for a day because I can't rely on him to eat properly and I'm liable to come home and find him having a diabetic hypo. One of my friends pays £20 an hour for a carer to keep an eye on her DH but that's way out of our budget. The only thing that keeps me sane is looking after our 2year old GS during the week. At least he's always happy!

I can see why Parcs, if you've been largely unhappy for so long.
Good luck