Does birth order matter?

DD was very typical eldest child, Bossy, clever, successful. My mother was an only child and used to getting her own way, both she and DD married men who were the youngest in large families and used to giving way to other people which worked out pretty well for both of them. DH and I are both only children and after 45 years together we are still continually fighting because we can't always have our own way.

I think position in family does matter but also the 'gap' between may impact too. I am the older sister to two brothers but there is a six year gap between me and my first brother and then another 5 years until brother number two! Essentially we had the first 5 years being an 'only' at home with mum!

I am the eldest of two girls - five years between us- my sister was never an easy child and whatever you gave her/ did for her was never right! This continued into adulthood. My parents treated us exactly the same but she was very different to me. The only time I remember her really being excited and pleased to see me was the day she found out she had passed the scholarship and was coming to the same Grammar school as me! I naturally had to look after her which I did till she was confident about changing buses etc to get home.
Other people could see something I could not - which was that she never liked me - and that was putting it mildly! I still cannot fathom what I did wrong as I always did my best for her but after our parents died when we in our fifties ( three weeks appart) she spoke about something which happened before she was born and I corrected her and suddenly realised that was the problem - she did not like me being the eldest but she could do nothing about it - she was in fact jealous of the five years I had with our parents before she was born.
Cousins etc have also found her very difficult but I will not bore you with how awful she has been to me and the misconceptions she has - surmised much and never checked. She made life very difficult when dealing with our parents will and eventually a high Court judge removed her from being an executor and replaced her with a solicitor so I could not be further unjustly accused.
Needless to say she cut off any communication with any of us many years ago - even our cousins etc - I did find her address and every year or so send her a non committal post card (in an envelope) just wishing her well etc and at times giving her general news that the younger generation is OK but never anything about myself - she never married and so has no family. Should she contact me I would actually welcome her back - a fact that neither my children or husband can understand but I am STILL her 'big sister' and would help her. - am I mad?
My husband is the youngest of four - two sister and one brother - I say he had three mothers and can do little for himself!!

glamma That's interesting about your brother! I knew female identical twins when I was a child and the eldest (by a few minutes) was definitely the bossier of the two! - and the naughtier

mini My brother was born 10mins before me and he always has been in his mind "The One and Only" golden child even though I was never aware of the favouritism, I always knew there was a difference it was not from my parents but from my Grandparents who had lost two sons during the war and my brother was the first boy to be born into the family after that time,during those years it was felt a boy first would carry on the family name not at all like it is to-day thanks goodness.
My DCs where born a few years apart so all had my individual attention until they started school DD is very confident in everything she has ever done,DS1 so laid back he could be asleep all day and let the world roll by if needed,DS2 wakes up with a bang and is at it at 100% all day then switches off like a light switch so all very different in our house.

My husband and I are both middle children and we agreed very early on in our relationship that we would never have three children ourselves. From our own experience and the anecdotal evidence of many friends, the middle one is the odd one out and often it does not seem possible that they could come from the same parents as their siblings. People have even told me they don't understand how I could be the third sister in my family.
We are keeping a close eye on our grand son who unfortunately is the only boy between two very strong sisters.

My three DSs seem to have changed personalities as they have matured.

Oldest - bright, inquisitive, rebellious, difficult to handle now has his own business, home, plays golf, no children and is very reliable and stable.

Middle - placid, easy to manage, no trouble at all as a child now self opinionated, narrow minded, strict (though loving) dad but has suffered from depression.

Youngest - hyperactive, horrendously badly behaved to the extent of being unmanageable now laid back, patient, sleeps for England every time he sits down but works hard for his children who adore him.

Now is that nature or nurture. After all they did have a perfect mother!!!!

as a mother of 3, DS, DD then DS (the 3rd a surprise to everyone but me!) I constantly marvel at the differences and similarities between them considering they were all brought up with the same morals, guidelines, etc. as each other. They are all individuals - the eldest believes he was swapped in the hospital with a rich person's baby, the other two were born at home, so don't have that fantasy luxury to console themselves with - however, despite various upsets (one of which is currently ongoing) they do actually love each other - not so sure that they feel the same way about the parents! Ah well - we did our best..........

Does the birth order theory take into account the mix of female/male children? Does it make any difference if the children are all girls or all boys? Twins may only be minutes older/younger, so would it still apply (nature as opposed to nurture?)

I'd never heard of Replacement Child until this thread. It certainly explains a good deal in my life

nfk and marmight my 3 (DS, DD1 and DD2) all confirm to the stereotype.

DD1 recently posted a 'card' on Facebook that said something like
'Happy Middle Child's Day! Oh - you didn't notice it was Middle Child's Day? Don't worry, no one ever does!'

I posted 'Get over it!' And DD2 posted 'No-one cares'

I'm not sure turning the clock back would make any difference. We all just do our best, don't we

It could be true of my oldest and youngest ones, but I would say they are all probably of equal intelligence (although quite different achievements)

However, it does not describe the middle one at all, perhaps because he is the only boy.
Perhaps by the time the third one (or more) is born the rules are more relaxed because the parents are more relaxed - and worn out!

Argumentative and self-centred - me?
I would argue the toss on that one.
(Well, I don't think I am self-centred anyway)

I had heard that theory about the youngest boy in the family, something to do with the hormones in the womb. I don't know if it has any foundation at all, certainly it does not correlate with anyone I know.

my three were exactly as NFKDumpling describes them and still are, so perhaps birth order does matter.

Yes, yes and Yes. I am the eldest and of course, by far the most intelligent.

The middle two were naughty and constantly in trouble at their school - thankfully we were at different schools, the youngest was spoilt and got away with murder. In fact the school the middles were in wouldn't let the youngest go there because of them being so naughty, so she went to yet another school.

I hated being put in charge - that is what siblings never allow for. The perceived bossiness is there because if you don't control them, you get the blame when they set the house on fire or try to kill each other when parents are out (which they did). All I wanted to do was read my book, so maybe a bit of resentment was there at times, which of course the siblings didn't understand. I could never relax so yes, am a worrier. I always need to know that everyone is well and happy and where they ought to be.

In reality, no2 is the bossy one, my mother has been quite appalled lately by her bossiness. We tried to warn her for many years. Now she is on the receiving end, she has finally had to agree that she was wrong and we others are right. I lost my bossy label with the other two almost immediately, because it was so obvious once we all met up, but Mother and No.2 could never see it.

Interestingly, No.3 is the most laid back, and No.4, the most uptight. I think maybe it's because my parents divorced when she was still living at home aged twelve, so by default, she became an Only for some years.

I am a middle child, my elder sister is bossy and is an expert on everything, my younger sister did just what she liked. Neither of my sisters had children but I don't think they would have made good mothers anyway. I left home on the eve of my 18th birthday and that gave me the freedom to be myself.
The birth of a second child is not always easier than a first, I went 7.5 hours longer in labour with my second.

I have three DDs. They don't conform to the examples in the OP.

soutra

Caesar wasn't laid back either

Oh now somebody is bound to enlighten me and say C sections have nothing to do with Julius Caesar or any of the other Caesars, but comes from the Latin caedere = "to cut".

<Whispers> I know.

I was a Caesar baby, my only child was a Caesar baby and one of his children was a Caesar too. I wouldn't say any one of us could be considered relaxed and laid back.

I watched a very interesting TV programme some years back about nurture or nature? They did some interesting comparisons, but still couldn't confirm whether it was genes or nurturing that made us what we are.

I read somewhere that what we are is "nature exacerbated by circumstance". I take that to mean that we are born a certain way and our circumstances work on that for good or ill.

I was a Caesar baby - and an only child.........

Interesting point about Cesarean babies not having to fight to be born. My grandson was born by Cesarean and he very relaxed and easy going.

His sister is a bundle of energy and never seems to rest and her birth was a real struggle.

I had an older brother who wasn't bossy because after we were about 6and 10 respectively he never spoke to me ! I wasn't worthy of his attention.
He did better than me academically and career wise. But in mine and sad to say our mum's opinion, isn't a very nice person
I had two children, DD the oldest and DS. DD is very confident and out going but growing up she wasn't one of 'the popular girls' DS is totally different, and is waiting for an assessment for what could be personality disorder or AS.
DD two boys both have AS traits the oldest likes to boss his brother.

Yes, yes and yes.
I have 3 daughters.
The eldest H is/was bossy to the other 2. She is also very self sufficient and distant, but has mellowed with marriage and motherhood.
The middle one G was very needy as a child 'it's not fair, H gets everything first and I is spoilt'. As an adult and mother, she is delightful and caring. She was the typical Middle Child.
Youngest I was always happy, but an alternative personality. She is a loving & caring individual and still happy even when coping with a difficult ongoing family problem.
I am proud of them all and love them dearly but I would like to turn the clock back and be able to deal with their 'hierarchical' problems differently.

I would so very much like to have those T shirts for DGCs and my 3daughters, and agree with JaneA and others, "yes, yes and yes " from me too.
The only bit I can't go along with is the "struggle to be born" as all 3 DDs were born by elective section. However I do think eldests have more boundaries to push, struggles for independence to attempt (and win) and both benefit and suffer from 100% attention from their parents.