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Grandkids moving away

(22 Posts)
Betty020263 Tue 02-Jun-15 20:32:03

I just received news that my daughter is moving away to FL , WITH MY 3 grandkids ages, 6-4-2. She is moving with her mother in law till they can find a job ect, I am heartbroken, I spend everyday with them, it hurt like someone just died, I don't know how to deal with this, be been taking depression medice for 2 years, I am scare I am going to get more depress, I don't want to be selfish, and then I spoke to the other grandma and she said is my fault that her son didn't move earlier, she is leaving a good job and he is also leaving a great job to move

loopylou Tue 02-Jun-15 20:39:04

How callous of her!

How far will they be from you, could you move too?

I'm sure other GNs will have sound advice Betty flowers

Jomarie Tue 02-Jun-15 20:59:13

Oh my goodness - my worst nightmare!!! Haven't a clue how you are going to deal with this - and such a horrid thing for other grandma to say. There must be so much more to this than given here Regardless of rights and wrongs I so do sympathise with your situation Betty - it is horrible. Cam't bring myself to type uplifting words - which is obviously what is needed - so will have to leave this to others to do the supportive stuff. I can only feel so sad for you.

grannyactivist Tue 02-Jun-15 21:11:17

Betty it will be hard because you are used to seeing so much of your grandchildren, but please, please don't say or do anything you will regret. If the decision has been made for them to go then, hard as it feels, you really do need to start making preparations by giving yourself a good shake and reminding yourself that life is going to be different, but you can cope. There is Skype and Facetime to keep in touch by and I'm expecting you will be a welcome visitor to their new home.

My lovely grandchildren moved much further away last year and my youngest grandchild is in New Zealand. I would love for them all to live nearby, but I keep that to myself and instead I make sure that I stay in regular contact. I write to them, send them books and small gifts and I speak to them very often.

You can still have a lovely relationship with your grandchildren, no matter where in the world they are - I'm sure lots of Gransnetters will tell you the same.

granjura Tue 02-Jun-15 21:37:38

This is so hard. But where is FL?

We moved away to my native Switzerland- and although I'd love ot have them around the corner- it is not far at all. We can drive, take the fast train or EasyJet to Surrey anytime- and they come here regulalrly too as they love it here. Si it does depend a bit on distance and accessibility.

I have to say, if my kids said they were moving to New Zealand or Australia- I would be devastated as that would mean we would only see them once a year- and perhaps as we get older even less as we may not be able to visit to easily. But never ever would I make them feel guilty about it- and I would smile and support them all the way and encourage them to go forth for the life they'd chosen- however much it hurt.

The otehr grandma was horrid and out of order- such a shame. But again, I would smile and let it go- for a dil or sil, and DDs or DSs to be trapped, pig in the middle is just so awful, and a recipe for disaster.

Your depression is obviously going to make it so much difficult to deal with- and it's important you ask your doctor for support and try to get support from family- but without, please this is so important, the guilt trip and 'blackmail' for anyone- as it just will make it tons worse.

I feel for you- but you just have to let them go. Again, where is FL? Is that Finland? (which is a short flight away).

Ariadne Tue 02-Jun-15 21:55:06

Florida? Are you on the USA, Betty? Where do you live?

Most of us are in the UK, though, as you can see from granjura's post, not all of us.

But still, wherever you are, I feel your hurt. I would find it devastating. But we have to cope, don't we?

Teetime Wed 03-Jun-15 09:13:17

Betty I am sorry for you and feel something of what your going through. I looked after my lovely GS in every school holiday and could just pop over (50 miles) to see DD2 for a day trip if I wanted to see her. We used to have lovely girly shops and lunches and then her DH decided to wanted to go back home to live near all his large family. I did go through an awful time and I still feel very resentful that his mother has all of them now and I don't have anyone near to me. DH does not feel like moving again and its too far north for me to cope with the cold anyway. So now we have to structure our life around visits every few months which DH hates. SIL has taken to not coming when they come to us as we don't have wall to wall sport on every TV in the house and don't exist on fast food- we don't miss him.grin
I hope you are able to come to terms with this and perhaps there may be a practical solution for you re additional visits. Can you SKYPE- my GS doesn't want to do this and will barely talk on the phone but I get the odd text from him. Ignore the nasty comments of the other grandma. I hope your depression is manageable for you, hopefully you will be able to find some other activities to keep you busy which I always find keeps the black dog at bay. You can always talk to us on here so don't think you are alone. flowers

granjura Wed 03-Jun-15 09:30:13

So is FL indeed Florida? And where are you yourself?

One of the things I so admired from my parents- is that they never ever made me feel guilty for going to live abroad (when the UK was a looong way from Switzerland, with very difficult train journeys and planes so expensive we could not afford to fly)- never. Even we they got very old and really could have done with me here (my brothers were useless..)- and for tat I shall always be grateful.

They made the effort to come to us twice a year- every other Summer and for Xmas (as we could never take time off at Xmas due to OH's job)- and we went in the Summer for our main holiday, camping in their garden. Of course no Skype and very expensive phone calls these days (70s)- but my mum used to write to the grandchildren and they back to her- which was wonderful and has left very happy memories for them

You need help with the depression- to allow you to see the positives in this and allow them to go forth, with resentment. And to forget the callous remarks from the other grand-ma. It's just dreadful for a couple to feel torn between 2 sets of grand-parents, and the grand-kids pick it up too. Bonne chance.

grumppa Wed 03-Jun-15 10:24:01

If not Florida, then Fuerstentum Liechtenstein?

ninathenana Wed 03-Jun-15 11:00:04

Glad it's not just me who didn't know where FL is.

I empathise, I am in a similar situation. DD is moving to Edinburgh from Kent in two weeks. We though the GC were going too but for several reasons they are going to live with their father. So from doing childcare and school runs three days a week we will only see them about once a month. I know we are very lucky to see them this often and if they were going with DD it would be more like twice a year but it will take some time to get used to. I will miss DD very much as we are close.

I do feel for you, but as has been said, skype and facetime are great.

granjura Wed 03-Jun-15 12:03:24

of course I meant 'let them go without resentment'.

HildaW Wed 03-Jun-15 12:19:51

'Just received news'....and yet you say you see them everyday. Did your daughter 'break' this news to you? I think (being a right old worrier) there is more to this than just the immediate separation.

I think you and your daughter need an open and frank conversation as to what is really going on here.

That being said many of us maintain a loving and supportive relationship with our Grandchildren from a distance, whether its 20 miles or 20 hours. Its not the same I'm sure, (I've never had that day to day contact) but its better than nothing. It will be different - built on different forms of communication but if both sides work at it there can be a lot of love and joy.

Have a heartfelt chat with your daughter and clear the air... be honest about your feelings but let them know you still love them and want the best for them.
All the best.

Betty020263 Thu 04-Jun-15 18:05:38

Sorry, yes I live in the us, I live in New Jersey, and she is moving to Florida

Betty020263 Thu 04-Jun-15 18:07:37

Thank you for the encouraging words

Betty020263 Thu 04-Jun-15 18:08:59

At first I was angry, but keeled all comments to myself

granjura Thu 04-Jun-15 22:08:35

Thanks for clarifying. New Jersey to Florida is not that far, and plenty of good fares around if you book ahead and are flexible with dates.

Thing is, I totally get how upsetting it is- but if you go against them and their choice, you will only aleniate them. Don't hide the fact you are sad, but tell them they have your full support- and that you hope they will visit often, and that you will be welcome to visit too.

You will adjust, get used to using Skype or Face time. But you need to let go of your resentment against the other grand-mother, however callous her words and deeds were. Or it will destroy you and your relaitonship with them... not the other way round. Are you far from Newark?

Courage and bonne chance.

Betty020263 Fri 05-Jun-15 13:50:55

No I am not far from Newark

granjura Fri 05-Jun-15 14:24:46

In which case, as long as they are not too far from one of the many FL airports- it should not be too bad. Some of our GN grans from the UK have grandchildren in New Zealand- and that is a massive and hugely expensive journey. I have to say I would find that VERY hard- but I would not stop them or make them guilty- as they have to live their own life. But hard it would be. What is the flight time from Newark to FL? A couple of hours?

At the end of the day, if you do not give them your support- you are at risk of losing them altogether... so you have little choice. Good luck.

NickiC59 Fri 05-Jun-15 15:20:30

My daughter married an American guy.. Great guy, but they moved to the U.S as soon as they were married.. She has had all 3 of her children there and my hubby and I have seen them 5 times in 10 years.. It's very hard.. I feel your pain ��

Scarlett15 Wed 21-Aug-19 08:13:56

It's Florida in the United States

GoodMama Wed 21-Aug-19 23:30:32

I'm not sure I understand what's happening?

It sounds like your daughter and her husband are moving with their 3 children from NJ to FL because they want to love there (?)

They will be staying with his mother until they find jobs (?)

They only stayed in NJ s long as they did for your benefit (?)

Your son in law's mother told you they only stayed in NJ for you... calling it "your fault" (?)

Dawn22 Fri 23-Aug-19 17:19:05

I do feel for you as l can relate to aspects of this.