My 12-yr-old DGD thinks she's ugly

nearly 20 years ago I was involved with a production of The Lion In Winter which had a sixth former cast as the young princess. She had a lovely face but her timekeeping was appalling and she never did more than she absolutely had to. Her answer to everything was "My face will be my fortune!" I can only say than in the ensuing years I have never seen any sign of her!

I was an ugly duckling (never made it to a swan - just a farmyard duck), then I discovered horses. They accept you, love being made a fuss of and when you're riding you're above everyone and queen of all you survey.

(And yes, as has been pointed out, it is possible to hurt yourself. But this applies to every activity and riding school ponies are people friendly)

She needs to be centred on herself. She is her own person. And important.
Just because her sister is high achieving, has no bearing on how their lives may pan out.
Being pretty is no guarantee of much at all.

Being pretty doesn't stop you being bullied at school by other girls, though [not talking about me, by the way, but people I've known]. Bit of a no win situation all round, really. Strange thing is that men [or teenage boys] seem to have a different idea of which girls/women are attractive anyway. I always maintain that girls and women dress for other women.

I was a tubby rather shy teenager, but my self esteem was never in question because our parents always made it clear that they were proud of us, though my mum thought I'd never 'get a man' if I showed them I was clever. However, in my 20s, I became slimmer and looked after my appearance, wore nice clothes - and had plenty of boyfriends, making up for lost time!

I agree with the sentiments about beauty only being skin deep.

I think everyone has an 'age' that suits them. To be good looking in youth can not necessarily equate to being good looking as an older person.

However, this does not help the OP! I feel for your GD, I'm sure you will instinctively handle it with love.

x

Being told you have a nice personality and a brilliant sense of humour in your teens is like being handed the consolation prize,especially when the slow dances come on at the end of the night and your pretty slimfriends knowing you wont get chosen ..unless for a bet all tell you to meet them outside by the cloakroom and ..oh can you get our coats too...having the last laugh though hardly any wrinkles..still the same size...and told I don't look my age....

I have recently read an article by Lisa Bloom (will try to find the link) in which she talks about how we tend to greet little girls right from the start with the "Aren't you beautiful / cute / sweet" routine even before they can talk. This, she feels, is the beginning of instigating an idea that to be pretty etc. is all that matters, and it is reinforced by media, peer pressure and soon as the girl grows older. Very interesting.

One of my DGDs (11) has been very concerned about her appearance, surprisingly, because she has an extremely athletic mum who rarely wears make up and isn't the slightest bit interested in fashion. Or maybe that's why..however, she (DGD) has had a lot of success on the track and in dance recently, and it has really bolstered her self esteem.

A feature article in the DT today will do nothing to help any girl feeling like this poor girl. The heading is " Why I hope she stays beautiful " and goes on to say just how beautiful her 2 year old is and how her beauty will take her much further than brains will. I was screaming in my head when I read it. My first GD was born with an awful facial disfigurement and we have battled for 16 years to tell her the usual cliches, the problem is with other people, personality is more important, people will see the person behind it etc, AND IT DOESN'T WORK. My GD wants to look pretty and just like all her friends.

Gillybob and Downtoearth Me too I know just what you mean. I have always felt like that. I can't stand having my photograph taken. because of this.

100% behind you Absent

soontobe, why would anyone shout at you for that- this is of course what we all, I hope at least, believe. Absent's post says it all.

And of course every child is beautiful, in their own way. However, in order to know how to proceed, it would be helpful to know if she is distorting the reality in her mind, or if she is a bit /or more overweight or has features which are not, today, considered as 'beautiful'. Stopping the distortion in the mind is very different to helping her accept who she is and see all the good things and perhaps help here make changes that will help her.

One problem is that today only one sort of "attractive" is admired. People can be many different shapes, sizes and colours yet all be very attractive. Sadly society only seems to recognise thin, preferably blonde, with long legs.

I do wonder if someone at school has been getting at this girl. I can't remember being at all bothered about what I looked like at this age. School work and whether my friend could jump higher than me - yes, looks - no!

I suspect that most Gransnetters believe that what is "inside a person" is what matters. What is a problem is that the first response to girls in the wider world is so often, "Oh isn't she pretty/cute/lovely/sweet/just like a princess?', in other words, to her appearance. This implies that how a girl looks is more important than who she is. It is crucial for the well-being of girls that we show greater interest in the activities, sports, hobbies, achievements, ideas, plans and so on of girls than in their curly hair or big blue eyes.

I am going to add something [even though I may be shouted at].
It is what is inside a person that is important and what really matters.
A difficult concept when a person is 12 or even 22.

This is so sad- and tragically so common- partly due to the pressure of the women's and teenage press.

Is her mother aware of this and have you discussed it with her? Could it be linked to Facebook or bullying, even cyber bullying? If I was her mum, I ask to go and see her form tutor and head of year- to see if they are aware of bullying, and ask for help.

Now for the really difficult question- is she overweight (and perhaps less 'attractive' in some way- and I know this is a awful question) or is it all in her head. Some girls developing anorexia truly see themselves as overweight and 'ugly'- even though they are truly attractive and slim- it makes a difference to how it is dealt with by family, friends, and perhaps if needed, counsellor/psychologist.

I hated everything about myself when I was that age; I only started to feel more confident in my 50's and that didn't last long once gravity took over. I wish I'd been more sporty when I was young; hated my fat legs [still do] but realise now that going to a gym etc would have improved them dramatically. Sport of some kind doesn't just help you physically but helps mentally as well [endorphins and all that].

Since this self-dislike seems to be a relatively common problem with teenage girls, I wonder if the school has any discussions on these sorts of issues.

I've read it's important that - as a role model - a mother isn't over-critical of her own appearance/figure and shows herself to be a confident, interesting/interested person who, whilst paying reasonable attention to her appearance, does not agonise about the way she looks.

It is quite difficult to address the issue directly since teenagers are notoriously averse to believing the assurances/wise words of their parents/grandparents. However, should the occasion arise naturally, it could be remarked that many of the outwardly beautiful and confident young women photographed in magazines do not appear to be leading wonderful lives and seem to have even more personal problems than women whose lives are not focused around the way they look.

It must be upsetting for you Atticus and I do hope your grand daughter starts to feel much better about herself. 12 is a difficult age - the body is changing and hormones can affect the skin and hair. Hopefully, once things have settled down, she will feel much better.

Please read this article by Melanie Reid, who broke her neck in a riding accident:
www.thetimes.co.uk/tto/magazine/article3776928.ece
And share it with your granddaughter. We all need to read and remember this.

Thank you for all your lovely responses - some good ideas for her family to work on.
I do feel her problems are exacerbated since she is a middle child with an over-achieving older sister. I agree she has to carve out her own niche, and we need to foster that much as possible.
Thanks again!

Think she needs to go riding and be obsessed with ponies for the next few years; it's not cheap but it works.

I agree with those who think she needs some hobby or interest that will absorb her to the extent she forgets about her physical appearance. You can, and should, encourage her to feel good about hetsekf but she needs to be busy and doing things at her age.

I have a 12-year-old GD too but so far I haven't heard of any of these attitudes on her part and I wonder if this is because she has so many interests that keep her busy and perhaps boost her self-esteem. She loves reading and writing, is a Scout and is also involved in umpteen clubs at school. Soon the rehearsals for panto will begin. These took up a lot of her time last winter. Recently she gave up competitive swimming which wasn't doing a lot for her self-esteem as she wasn't keeping up with the rest of the group. I hope your DGD feels better about herself very soon, Atticus. It is a time of great change in their lives - entering secondary education, meeting a new peer group, undergoing physical changes too. Naturally she feels insecure.

Poor lass - my DGD aged 10 is just the same - and such a worrier.

All we do is to try and boost her up as much as we can - but how they do suffer - it is horrible to listen to.

I can't really add much to the above posts but the unfortunate thing about being twelve is that you just don't appreciate how much you will change in the next two years.

Such a shame to have low self-esteem when she has so much to look forward to.