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grandson's father and whole paternal family never want to see child again.

(17 Posts)
carol123 Sat 08-Aug-15 01:09:32

My daughter went to court today to seek supervised access for our grandson. The child's father had applied for contact. He has postponed the hearing 3 times and not turned up to the last one. He read out a statement today saying he never wanted to see the child again, and neither did any of his family. His mother was there crying. He was violent to my daughter and spiteful to the baby (he's 1yr old) He never wanted the child and wanted her to sign away his parental rights! then when they split up he applied for access! He has always denied hurting my daughter to his family and said she is dramatic manipulative and a liar despite being found guilty in court and sentenced - he actually admitted it in the criminal court. My daughter is in bits as she feels that extended family are very important to a child and that the baby could build a relationship with his father if it was well supervised in a contact center. Has anyone else had this - looking for suggestions really as to where to go from here. His mother and father posted a photo of a birthday card on facebook on the baby's birthday saying how much they him and my daughter sent them a private message inviting them to call and visit but no reply and now this.

vampirequeen Sat 08-Aug-15 07:13:17

Whilst I usually feel that a child needs to know both parents sometimes when one disappears it's for the best. This is how I feel about this situation. Your daughter has done her best to promote access when all her instincts must have been to protect her child from this man. He has made the decision to cut himself off from his child.

This could be the one good thing he ever does for his child. Your daughter should answer any questions from her child as they arise in the simplest form possible (just like we do the facts of life....give a small answer and hope that doesn't lead to more questions until they're more able to understand). When the child is older she can show that she did all she could to promote access then it's up to the child if he wants to find his father but that's a bridge to cross in the future.

It seems that the other grandmother isn't happy about never seeing her grandson again. Perhaps your daughter could send a photo on facebook every so often so she can at least see how he is growing.

Leticia Sat 08-Aug-15 08:10:24

I feel sorry for the grandmother who was crying.
I would suggest that she starts postal contact with the grandparents with pictures.or keeps online contact. At the moment they appear scared to get involved but as time goes by it might change and communication is open.

janeainsworth Sat 08-Aug-15 08:13:21

I agree with vq
Extended families are important but not as important as a child's physical and emotional safety.
Why would your daughter want her child to have any contact with someone who was violent and spiteful, just because he was the biological father?
Lots of children have little contact with their extended family simply because of the way families are scattered these days and although it's sad for the grandparents I don't think it adversely affects the grandchildren.

Leticia Sat 08-Aug-15 08:21:27

I wouldn't worry about contact with the father at the moment. Even his parents are scared of him - or they would just override him.

annsixty Sat 08-Aug-15 08:33:53

We have a similar situation in our extended family and the eldest child hasn't seen his F or GP's since he was 2 and the younger has never seen or been seen by them. My S has brought them up and we are GP's just as we are to our other GC. It is a (sad) fact of life now that families are non-traditional and fragmented. My GD1 has 5 half siblings who do not know each other. We have had to come to terms with it and live with it. I would not worry about the baby just give him all the love and stability you can.

Grannyknot Sat 08-Aug-15 08:45:24

Carol what a sorry and difficult situation. I just wanted to say that I only discovered very recently that there is an "Other" private message inbox on Facebook, where messages go that are from people who are not your FB friends. My daughter told me about it when I was complaining to her that I had messaged someone who had ignored me. When I checked it there were half a dozen old messages in there from assorted people who had tried to make contact with me over the years and I had obviously not responded. Am just offering this in case it's an explanation for the paternal grandparents not responding to your daughter.

It sounds as if they are very sad about possibly losing contact with their grandchild.

As for the father, I'd ignore him and not waste time trying to make that work, only to regret it when there are ongoing problems.

Nelliemoser Sat 08-Aug-15 08:56:06

I can't help wondering that given the fathers violent nature that the grandad is of a similar type of male and has made this decreee that he does not want any contact at all despite the fact and that his wife the grandmother would love to have this.

If both the males are of the aggressive type the Grandma might be too afraid to voice any feelings against her husbands views.

Is there anyway the other gran could safely get contact with the little boy without the rest of the family knowing. However where there is an abusive male around that could be very risky for the grandmother.

No easy solutions it probably depends on how much freedeom the grandmother has to do her own things.
Do you have plenty of relatives on your side to provide this extra nurturing perhaps an aunt or such to act as another grandparent.

carol123 Sat 08-Aug-15 10:50:14

Thanks for all the replies. He left the court saying he would get an injunction against our whole family if we contacted any of them again so its very difficult. His mum has always disliked my daughter and thought she invented all the incidents. He originally asked for 3 days a week at his home (prompted by his mother) but I think he backed out when a contact centre was mentioned. He lives with his parents and the mother rules the family. I do think that he doesn't want the child, he never has, and had even said he hopes he dies to him. Just hoping that perhaps in a years time his family will change their mind and come to see GC

granjura Sat 08-Aug-15 11:30:29

But perhaps, as others have said, it might all be for the best. It's wonderful for a child to have both parents, or at least contact with both- but if a man is violent and a liar and coward- then perhaps it's better that way.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this x.

Elayne Sat 08-Aug-15 11:33:09

How sad carol123, rest assured all will be well. My son grew up not knowing his father, he was 13 years old when he first met him. Six months later his father was dead (alcoholic). My son has not suffered, he had myself and his sister and is now 22 years old married with a good job. He has never caused me any trouble is respectful and caring, that is all I ever wanted. He works with children in a private nursery. It will be the child's father who suffers in the long run, enjoy your grandson and with a loving family he will NOT miss out. Much love to you all - chin up.

Elrel Sat 08-Aug-15 12:52:53

Seeing your last post it does appear that your grandson's best interests would be served at present by you and your daughter avoiding contact with his father and paternal grandparents. A very sad situation all round but the grandmother sounds as if she is selfishly keen to see 'her' grandchild without truly considering the effect on him or your daughter. Does the father accept financial responsibility for his little boy? He sounds very immature.

rosesarered Sat 08-Aug-15 13:59:51

I think it's all for the best Carol, and I would be glad that my grandson had no more contact with this family.The baby could end up hurt in more than one way it is not safe for him.
it's only in a child's best interest to have extended family if they are loving.

Thatdil Sat 08-Aug-15 14:21:32

I think your daughter would benefit from some counselling. This man hurt your daughter, he isn't safe. Not for her, and not for the little one. He's been violent with her, he's been spiteful to that little boy, going so far as to wish him dead. Why does she want them to build a relationship? She should be actively trying to keep him as far away from her son as possible. Not supervised access, no access ever. Counselling could help her see why she got in a relationship with him in the first place, why she stayed, and most importantly, why she needs to sever all ties now. As for his extended family, it's a shame but as long as they side with him, whether out of fear or genuine belief in his lies, they are also not safe to be around little one. She can't contact them anyways due to court order, so for now they are collateral damage. Maybe in the future they'll change their minds, maybe not. It's not your daughter's concern either way. Her priority has to be her and her son's safety and well being. The rest doesn't matter.

WilmaKnickersfit Sat 08-Aug-15 18:22:53

I have a slightly different opinion about this situation.

I couldn't agree more that at the moment the safety of your daughter and GC is the most important thing. But as for the future, well we never know what that might hold or what regrets might surface. If there is a way to keep just a minimal amount of contact with one relative in the family (and I mean minimal), then I think that should be considered. It's a crack in the door or window that at some point in the future might be opened a little bit more. It might be just a photo once a year, something that can easily be stopped if it causes trouble.

No matter how loved a child might be, at some point he/she will wonder about their absent parent and that side of their family (there are so many times at school this could crop up - especially in lessons). As adults my brothers and I are now in contact with close family members we never saw as children for various reasons.

Don't close the door completely if you can help it.

carol123 Mon 10-Aug-15 22:22:42

When they first parted her ex's mother told my daughter that she wanted the baby brought to her house and left for an hour. She told my daughter that she was not welcome in the house now they had parted! Then her ex put in for access for 3 days and nights a week to the family court. Daughter took him to magistrates court for assault and he was convicted of 2 assaults on her. He went to family court and said he wanted to drop the case for access but his mother actually told him he had to go through with it. SS got involved when daughters friend reported him for hurting the baby and treating baby roughly. After not turning up 3 times at family court he went last week and read the statement about not seeing baby again. So daughter has had his mum ordering her to leave baby at their house, then leave baby there 3 days a week and now refusing to ever see baby until child is 16. Its a crazy family - and they were not 'down and outs' they were quite wealthy business people. Really hope that one day her ex will grow a pair and tell his parents the truth but cant really see this happening.
Don't really know where to go from here but I think it would be acceptable to send a photo at Xmas to grandparents. Daughter can't contact him in any way as there is a 2yr restraining order in place now against him. She did message his parents and invited them to visit baby but they didn't reply - that was before the family court hearing.

Leticia Tue 11-Aug-15 06:39:34

I think that for the moment the baby, and everyone, is better off without any contact. Just keep the lines of communication open, with the odd photo, in case things change when he is much older.