Family at Christmas

I feel your pain Marblerun! It looked like we would be alone this year but fortunately that's not going to be the case. I love Christmas and not to see my children or grandchildren would have definitely put a downer or my day ( although I suspect my husband would savour the peace and quiet)!

i understand I have to share them with my SILs families but that doesn't mean I have to like it :-) when the day comes that they will both be elsewhere on Christmas Day, then we will head off to the sunshine for the whole thing.

If I can't have my old traditions then I'll make some new ones!,

Perhaps you could do something radically different for the couple of days! Go to a hotel with lots going on ? Fly somewhere sunny? Spoil yourself without a second thought !!

You can't change what's happening so you really do need to find away to make the few days bearable xx good luck !

Yes, it is very disappointing for you marblerun. You thought you were going to be with them on Christmas Day and now you are not. I hope you are feeling a lot better about it now. If it helps, I don't get to see my grandchildren at Christmas, as they are abroad. It's trying to get it in perspective, I find and I don't always manage that! I hope you have a much better time than you thought you were going to.

Wonder why the daughter doesn't just invite her mother to hers.
My son and now DIL have been together 17 years and I have yet to be invited to spend Xmas day with them, but luckily my daughter (no family) comes to me and also a friend. This year we are going to a restaurant for a complete change.
DIL prefers to invite her sisters for Xmas lunch. I hear she's quite a good cook.
At some point my daughter and I visit them on Xmas day to see the kids especially the 2 yr old.
Everyone has a different story and not many have the perfect Xmas of their dreams, sadly that's life.

marblerun, what do you normally do on the Christmases they don't come to you? Could you not just shrug your shoulders and accept that this time will be just the same as those?
I once chose not to accept any invitations from family, not wanting to be a nuisance, thinking that I would be fine. However, I did get a bit weepy and would not be alone again by choice. It seems like everyone else is playing Happy Families, when in fact there are many who are on their own.
Take care, it will soon be over!

Some good suggestions, ideas here. Personally though I would not travel the 200 miles marblerun. Your DD has not suggested it as a possibility and it's quite a distance so could look, I think it was harrigran who mentioned it, needy or, my thoughts, awkward and give the impression of you not being at all happy with the arrangements. Next year things will get back to their normal routine if this year is not made much of. Christmas can be brought forward or pushed back for you perhaps this year.

I made a promise to myself that I would NEVER put my adult children through the nightmare time I had with family and in-laws at Christmas. Many a time over the years I felt pulled in all directions and sometimes I really just wanted to please myself. The one thing I did learn is you cannot please everyone.

Both my children are grown and one has their own little family. My other son has had to move for work purposes quite far away, with the type of work he does (Retail), it is highly unlikely that I will ever get him home for Christmas. This year he is working Christmas Eve and Boxing Day. Of course shareholders and earning big bucks is all that matters in retail, who the hell actually cares about the workers and if I sound a bit bitter, I worked in retail myself and know only too well what it's like. Bosses please themselves when they come in over the Christmas Season, while lower down the scale the actual workers are expected to be in at all costs.

I'd just like to say one thing, for those of you who expect or hope to have your children invite you or feel bad because they have to take turns between yourself and in-laws, spare a thought for how they feel. It can be very hard when you are pulled in all directions, and some relatives are very good at making their demands or pulling the emotional blackmail stunts. I am not saying for one moment that anyone on the forums here are doing these things. I'm trying to portray what it can be like for some people. It is not easy.

Can you not have them for new years day the true meaning is sharing time with family and another day can work as well. Too much emphasis is placed on everything having to be perfect on 25th when really it doesn't

I agree with Lillie. Book a room and announce that you will be joining them all as you aren't prepared to be on your own. If your relationship with DD is strong she'll be really pleased you made the effort.

I feel really uncomfortable that children and GC have this power over us and sometimes make us feel grateful for scraps of their time, particularly at Christmas. We EARNED their consideration when we brought them up, surely? Did we really make our own parents an grandparents feel like this? I remember my parents and grandparents being much more assertive.

Very disappointing but please try not to sit at home being sad, it will be bad for you and might make your family feel guilt they shouldn't have to feel. My only DGC have only just returned from living in Australia so we have not had a Christmas with them yet, very exciting about this one, but I do know that if they had been able to be here for a visit before they would have taken priority over everything. Can you not do a special day for them before they go and have a pre Christmas?

I agree with Gagagran that we mustn't always expect to be part of the events and festivities, and that we have to be flexible when plans change and consequently leave us out in the cold.

To that end, I think marblerun should be proactive here and helpfully suggest she could find accommodation close by. If her daughter really is bursting at the seams with visitors, then that will solve the problem.
If however marblerun's presence simply isn't wanted, then at least she'll know where she stands.

Premier Inn do some good saver rates over the Christmas period and they do offer ground floor disabled rooms in all their hotels.
I don't think anyone meant just turning up unannounced.

Marblerun I know 200 miles is a long way but surely there are trains - and you could stay in the local BandB or travelodge. Maybe your DD could treat you to the fares and cost of accommodation as part of your Xmas gift.
If there's going to be lots of people there then one surely small extra person won't be noticed. I understand the situation but do think it's a bit mean to make you stay entirely on your own.

Last year our DS and family went ski-ing for Christmas and DD had her very difficult MiL staying so we were on our own. A few of us, from the choir I am in, went to sing carols at a lunch that was put on for people who would otherwise be on their own. Later on I did a candle-lit meal for the two of us and we had skype call from the snow party. It was different but really nice and a lot more relaxed than some Christmas Days we have had! I did a New Year meal for DD and family, and that too worked really well.

This year, DD and family are going to Central America for Christmas and DS has invited us to go and stay with them. We shall go early on "the day" and will come home on Boxing Day as he has to work both sides of the weekend and they need some family time for the four of them.

I think that as we age we are no longer the central point of the family and we just have to be flexible and lower our expectations. I am always grateful for and appreciate invitations to our DC's homes but don't expect them and certainly don't let the absence of them spoil my/our days.

Harrigran I was not for a minute suggesting that Marblerun should just turn up - Surprise, Surprise. That would be embarrassing all round. Rather a suggestion that she could run past her daughter who is probably feeling bad about leaving her mum 'home alone' for a week.

I don't think it is a good idea to book into a hotel near DD's in-laws and turn up. It would make you look needy and your DD would feel uncomfortable.

I am very fortunate to live within a 20 minute drive of my DGC. We drive over to theirs every Christmas (mid morning) and deliver the presents that silly old santa left at ours by mistake (you see Santa sees them at ours so often he thinks they live there). We watch as they open their "extra" presents and spend an hour or two playing with them. We then drive home to prepare dinner for the "oldies" whom DH picks up later in the day. We insist that everyone gets a taxi home.

I often celebrate two or even three Christmas days if it's not possible for everyone to get together on the "big" day, either before or after.
I feel it's quite nice to "stretch" Christmas Day as it's only one day in a longer festive period. I find the "other" Christmas days are not quite so fraught and stressed.

Mabelrun I understand where your coming from. May I suggest what we do as a family? We have an early Xmas weekend where we all celebrate together. Then whoever said turn it is to spend Xmas with us comes back home for a few days.
Our son, daughter in law and grandson will celebrate with us early Dec then fly to NZ to spend Xmas with DIL family.

I've never seen my dgc open their presents either and I've been on my own quite a lot of Christmas days. Sometimes I chose to work (in a pub, it was great!) other times I just spent the day doing nothing much. It's just another day.

I really do feel for you, I think you have to tell yourself that they came to you last year, and that this is just your 'off year' and they will be back next year. What do you normally do on alternate years? Treat it as one of those and look forward. At our age the years roll round so quickly that it will be Christmas 2016 before you know it!

Plan something nice and festive with dgc for either before/after Xmas-trip to the panto perhaps with tea before or after? That way you'll still have something Chrismassy to share with them and look forward to.

Why not have a get together the weekend before they go away with the full works and exchange and open presents then. If they are still young enough to believe in Santa tell them that because he knew you couldn't be together on Christmas day he delivered some of the presents early.

When we were bursting at the seams we put my elderly mother and fil into a local b&b which was brilliant as it meant they could escape the horrors of screaming little ones whenever they wanted, but as that offer has not been made (though I would have done), maybe a last minute singles holiday? Something completely different if the budget allows? Then Skype and keep smiling.

It is a wrench sometimes but as families grow and change some old traditions have to be stretched to accommodate. It our year to be on our own but quite frankly we could do some peace and quiet. I think some of us have already agreed to chat on here on Xmas Day so no-one is completely alone.

A very good idea, Lillie.