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DGS starting nursery

(12 Posts)
louisamay Wed 30-Dec-15 15:54:34

Would just like some other opinions. DGS is 22 months old and DIL is taking him for taster sessions at a local nursery. I'm not sure how often he has been. Apparently, mums stay with the toddlers and then go off for periods of time into another room so the child gets used to being with other children and staff. I believe this is common practice and DS tells me he thought it was a lovely environment when he first checked the nursery out.
I cannot go into details here but several months ago DIL cut herself off from DH and me for reasons best known to herself and not to me, DH or DS - which is quite irrelevant to this post, but it means I cannot speak to her directly so just get info about DGS from my son.
Apparently DGS simply does not settle and becomes extremely distressed when mum disappears into another room so she ends up having to stay thought the session with him. I'm sure the staff have experienced this sort of thing before, but DIL has got herself in a state apparently because other toddlers she knows go off happily to daycare and playgroup sessions. He is quite a bright, sensitive little boy and I have wondered whether he is just too young to cope with nursery? DS started at a playgroup when he was 2.5 years and he wouldn't settle so I eventually gave up! He happily started at a nursery school a year later. I don't want to 'stick my oar in' and suggest that DGS may be a tad too young to cope but a few months hence he may be.
DS says DIL has no plans to return to work just yet but she wants him to get used to being away from her for short periods of time.
What experience have other grans had with DGC and nurseries? Is it so unusual that a 22 month old won't settle?

louisamay Wed 30-Dec-15 15:58:18

I'm not asking for advice to pass on, by the way - just feel bad for the little boy and wanted to hear other grans experiences. More to reassure me, really.

hildajenniJ Wed 30-Dec-15 16:10:45

The nursery school my DGC attended would not take children until they were three years old and toilet trained. Do the staff there change nappies? Or does mum have to go in to do it?

Dragonfly1 Wed 30-Dec-15 16:10:56

It took both of my grandsons a while to settle at nursery, but settle they did. The eldest was eight months when he started and the youngest just a year old. Within a very short time they were absolutely fine. Littlest still goes to his and loves it. I'm sure your DGS will be fine.

rosequartz Wed 30-Dec-15 16:24:48

DGD started at early years playgroup when she was just past 2 and took a while to settle, but loves it now.
There used to be a rule about being toilet trained (my BF was a nursery school teacher) but apparently it is against the Disablement Discrimination Act to refuse to take a child who is not toilet trained (whether disabled or not).

Elegran Wed 30-Dec-15 16:28:54

I ran a playgroup/nursery, where the mothers stayed around unobtrusively until the children were integrated enough not to miss them (there was a kind of subgroup of mothers drinking coffee in a corner and nattering - I think some of them were quite disappointed when they were "free") There was a great variety in how long it took them to feel settled, and it didn't seem to make any difference whether they were apparently independent little people or "Mummy's child". He will settle in his own time, all the faster if she can accept that there is not a real problem.

He is quite young - we took them from 3 to 5, (stretching it sometimes for a 2 1/2 year old who was toilet trained, but we didn't take on nappy changing)

It could be that she is a bit uptight over whatever made her cut herself off from you, and he senses that, but it could just be how he is. The staff will be quite familiar with helping little ones adapt.

WilmaKnickersfit Wed 30-Dec-15 17:30:41

I don't think 22 months is particularly young, especially if a mum has to return to work. Maybe your DGS doesn't mix much with other children and this is now being highlighted. That's the point of taster sessions really and perhaps your DiL realised your GDS might be like this. It would be a worry for her if she needs the nursery place to work out as part of child care arrangements. I hope your DiL can persevere because nursery should be fun for the child (and a bit of a break for any non-working mum). It would be a shame for him to miss out on play time with new friends. smile

RedheadedMommy Wed 30-Dec-15 17:47:28

If your DIL is there with him throughout the session then he'll be fine, he will get more confident and toddle off.
It's just down to time.

Penstemmon Wed 30-Dec-15 17:52:18

If it is a day nursery they will be appropriately staffed to manage the needs of babies and toddler and children up to school age.

All children are different and adjust to new situations differently. In a way your dil is sensible to get her little boy used to being away from her when she does not have the added stress of dashing off to work too! My DGS has been at a day nursery from 9 months for two days a week and he took time to settle..a good couple of weeks before he did not cry when left. Now he is a bit disappointed when it is a 'Nana' day as I don't have a roomful of amazing toys and little playmates for him!

As long as he settles after 10 minutes or so he will be fine. If he is howling and distressed for the whole of the time I would say he needs more time with mum there to feel more secure. He has probably felt the tension at home of the separation and this may be adding to his distress.

trisher Wed 30-Dec-15 18:19:45

Both my DGCs started nursery at 1year just before DIL went back to work. There were children much younger whose mums had taken shorter maternity leave. Nurseries are very able to cope with very young children and with mums who have to leave because of work. There may be a number of factors at work here. Your DIL could try slipping away when he is busy and coming back very quickly so there is only a brief break, making the time longer as things improve. My DGCs nursery ask for a cuddly toy for each child, from home, so they have something to give them if they are upset. Your DIL might be very upset at leaving him and feeling guilty and he may be picking up her emotions. I have also seen children in floods of tears stop as soon as their mother has gone. (People always think this doesn't happen, but it does)
Things have changed so much since ours were little and didn't go anywhere until after they were 2.

Deedaa Wed 30-Dec-15 22:03:15

DGS3 has been going to pre school since he was about twenty two months. To start with he went for an hour and Mummy or Daddy stayed with him. They gradually worked up to him staying all morning, again with Mummy or Daddy. Now he is 2 he stays happily on his own. He didn't like being left to start with but having his big cousin there to play with was a big incentive. Our pre school takes them from around twoish and changes nappies.

Luckygirl Wed 30-Dec-15 22:10:29

If DIL is at home to care for the child it seems illogical to put him through this as he is obviously not ready. If she had to return to work she would have no choice and the wee chap would have to endure it.

How very difficult for you being estranged from her (and worse that you do not know why) and unable to even chat with her about it. But in the end the decision is hers and your son's.

I am puzzled by some of the attitudes of young parents who seem so concerned that their children should race through milestones as soon as possible. There is no reason why your DGS should be ready for this step; and no earthly reason why he should be put through it.

It sounds as though DIL is under some sort of stress at present and he will be picking up on that for sure. I am sure that in the long run all will be well.