How do you persuade an elderly relative it's time to stop driving?

We have had this issue for the last year with my mil who is 82, ever since she had both her cataracts done her confidence has taken a nose dive because the optician told her not to drive until she had the one done, waiting and recovery took about 3 months and then later the other one was done also another 3 months by then she would find excuses not to drive but would not give up the car. She has now decided that she will not be driving again.
I do think that there should be a full physical and eye exam at say 75.

We tried everything to stop mother driving when she kept having minor incidents which were only minor because there was no-one behind her when she reversed up the kerb. I wouldn't let my youngsters go in the car with her. The crunch came when she rode an electric supermarket mobility scooter towards a friend in the store and knocked her down. I thought she had killed her and in fact she died not long later but not as the result of the accident.
It shook me up and was the last straw. I got my brother (she never trusted my judgement in anything) to declare the car unsafe to use and it disappeared to his drive to be 'mended', never to return. We showed her how it would save her money to use taxis rather than drive her own car and she liked the sound of that but chose to rely on kind friends, and of course family.
I have told my daughter to make sure I stop driving if she considers me unsafe. She relies on me for childcare and ferrying grandchildren so she won't tell me too soon but neither would she let me drive with precious children on board if she had the slightest doubt. I am fortunate insofar as we live in London so have buses and trains as well as taxis and I could live without a car if need be.

I would add that the optician was still saying he was fit to drive. Things need tightening up with regards to medical fitness to drive. It's the same out here. My husband has just had to renew his driving licence as he is over 70 and get a Spanish one. He had to take a simulated driving test which he said didn't go too well but he still got his licence.

We had the same problem with Dad when he was in his mid eighties and suffering from macular degeneration ( he's now registered blind). Mum insisted she was his eyes when he was driving!!! It took an altercation with a lorry on the A1,in which no one was hurt but his car was written off, to make him stop driving. Poor chap cried for a week. It's never easy to admit something has to go due to advancing years.

As others have said, involve your GP. If your Mum won't go to the GP get a home visit and write a note to the doctor telling of your concerns and the GP will do the deed for you. That way you will not be seen as the bad guy stopping your Mum driving. she shouldn't be on the road by the sound of it and before there is an accident it would be better to act. if her driving isn't up to standard her insurance might be invalid. The DVLA will also help.

When my father was in his late 70s he became concerned that his driving might not be up to scratch! He lived in an area with a lot of elderly drivers & was aware of some of the interesting manoeuvres some of them undertook. Sensibly he asked a local driving instructor to assess his driving & when told he was safe, he asked him to give him 4 lessons to iron out any issues of concern. He also didn't drive at night due to cataracts.

Hopefully I will be as sensible. I rarely drive in the dark now as I am developing cataracts & find the headlight glare difficult especially on unlit country roads.

Totally agree with Shinyredcar.... and also Stansgran re arrogance perspective. To add insult to injury, quite a few of my DH's friends at the golf club ( not him I hasten to add) drink far too much alcohol and then go
and drive home as ' it's not far'!! Outrageous.

Sit down with your relative and point out the financial advantages in giving up the car and taking taxis. We have never had a car and rely on our lovely local taxi firm to cover all our driving needs. You have to be bold and bite the bullet when the bill comes to ,say, £ 80 or more but do the sums and over the year you will spend less than the cost of running a car.People look at you in disbelief but it is in fact true.

With my brother who was 83 and adamant about continuing to drive, I emailed the DVLA with my concerns. His GP was contacted and said he was OK, but he had 2 speeding fines in 3 months despite a speed awareness course. Eventually he was called for a driving assessment and failed easily. Do contact the DVLA with your concerns.Nothing happens quickly but you might be saving lives.

I know a family where the member living with the elder person disabled the car and the family in Australia wouldn't speak to her again. Solution is to agree with all the family and then do what others have done and lock up the car or disable it. Australian family then invited elderly father to live with them and learnt the truth. Good luck to you JackyPat.

My brother in law simply took the car keys away from his 83 year old father who had become so dangerous that the whole village was trying to stay home when he went out in his car.
To avoid this happening to us we have given our daughter permission to tell us we need to stop driving when the time comes but we rather hope it won't be for many years to come.

My cousin told his mum that the car needed work, took it away and never took it back. He was in her bad books for some time but was eventually forgiven. What about removing a plug or disconnecting something to stop the car working ?
A friend who has early Alzheimers was reported to the police for erratic driving (and not before time) and had to take a driving test which she failed with ease.

My DSs and probably Senior GD will undoubtedly tell me when I should stop driving. I hope it isn't too soon though! Having said that, we have all, with the exception of GD, been obliged to attend a speed awareness course, having been caught on camera.

Sadly there does come a time to stop driving. My Dad was well in his 80s and not safe. He went round a corner once with Mum and me in the car. They then chuntered on about how awful young drivers were to my horror.

Dad had been driving since the 1920s and never taken a test. He had always been safe, but had lost his distance judgement. He was a real danger.

We had a very sticky chat with him which he resented. But he gave up driving and gave the car to my then teenage son. ( not keen on his driving either. )

It gave them a few good years, not to mention the local populace!

Bull by the horns time Jacky for the safety of everyone.

Thank you for all your advice gransnetters. She has good eyesight and health.
I found a website that includes videos useful to the driver and people trying to persuade elderly drivers to stop. There is a link on it for a driving assessment which mum has agreed to complete.

If it is useful to anyone else, this is it

www.stillsafetodrive.org.uk/

The hardest thing to do, but yes ask support from GP, and if needed ask police or DVLA for help too. You'd never forgive yourself if there was an accident, especially injuring or worse a child, etc. My mum only stopped when she ended up in a field- for the umpteen time having passed out at the wheel. My dad when he hit a lamp-post and demolished his car - he went to buy another car the next day, couldn't handle it, and then gave up. OH's dad was told not to drive, but continued to do so for many years until he died.

Yes, it is robbing them of their independence- but it may well save lives. Tough that. Just a shiny, I would stop immediatel if I felt I may hurt someone.

I haven't been driving for a while as I had a hip replacement at the end of last year. I am being pressed by DH to start driving again but I want to do a refresher course without him in the car an elderly neighbour knocked someone over saying the sun was in their eyes and protested her innocence up to a court case. I think there is a mindset which IMO is arrogance as much as a desire for independence.

Annodomini - sorry, I've just noticed that you've already suggested seeing an optician.

Some areas run older driver assessment sessions and courses to 'increase confidence' try citizen's advise or local police.

Jackypat - Opticians tell clients when their eyesight prohibits driving. Has your mother had an eye test recently, if not can you persuade her to have one?

I am the tribal elder OH is 20 years younger,wonder what he will say to me when its time to hang up my car keys

I hid OHs car keys , he found the spares and I had a very anxious half hour till he came home , then the friend he had visited rang to ask if he was ok and that got it through to him and we have now sold the car . I should have done it sooner , it seems the car was in need of a lot of body work from various bumps !!

I was the one who told my H I wouldn't allow him to drive anymore when hie Alzheimer's started progressing. He wasn't happy and it has made life very difficult for us but at least I have peace of mind.

What a nest of vipers this problem is! My DH had a very powerful car and drove it in a terrifying way, either too fast or too slow. It was sporty and that annoyed all the young drivers so he was beset by bullies and would respond angrily. I was terrified and offered to drive my car everywhere. He never got the idea of roundabouts, or pedestrian controlled crossings.

I saw his GP. I wrote to the DVLA. The law seems to be that people have to refer themselves to the DVLA. Doctors won't, unless the person has had a recent stroke or TIA, when they have to stop driving for a month. They say it would destroy the patient's confidence in them and might stop people telling them about symptoms.

I have known of people paying thousands of pounds to repair damage to other drivers' cars, to avoid telling their insurance company.

There are courses and informal tests available in a lot of places, and perhaps saying, 'go on, prove us all wrong, do one of these courses!' might work to encourage some to take one. DH was frustrated that my DF was still driving at 92, utterly safely, while he was only 75 and the family were all complaining. It is this variability that is the problem.

In more rural areas there are no buses as an alternative way to get around and often families are at work or live too far away to be of help. Taxis are expensive, but selling a car and not paying insurance, car tax, and maintenance saves a lot of money, so taxis could be afforded.

It robs independence, and often in older households it takes away the last function the 'man-of-the-house' has. Of course they fight against losing their car. But it is a lethal weapon and we all feel the responsibility to the rest of the community to stop someone who is a danger from getting behind the wheel.

Perhaps we should start one of those Downing Street petitions as Gransnetters, to get the law changed so that anyone can report someone to the DVLA or police. Perhaps insurers could do it if someone had too many claims?

I hope someone will tell me if they ever get worried about my driving. I'd stop in an instant, in case I hurt someone.

Steal the key? Report her to DVLA?