The MiL /DiL dynamic

I've found this post rather interesting and felt I could relate to a few of the comments raised
I had (for want of a better description) an interesting relationship with my MiL sadly now departed
At 17 when we first met she was like nobody I'd ever met before and we got on rather well, however I did get frustrated by the constant 'my mum does it like this' or 'ask mother, she'll know' comments from my husband. She never physically interfered as she was agoraphobic and never visited us
The problems started when our DD arrived, the first grandchild for her and step granddad (who was a lovely quiet man)Firstly she refused to see her because she was a girl (doesn't fit in with my boys) and then as DD grew they became inseparable for a few years. My parents both worked so it was nice to have this bond but often she would go against my beliefs in bringing up a child and overstep the mark so we would fall out big time. I'm not talking about grandparents indulgences that is not a problem it was more bad language or slating others in front of DD and once letting her play out on street when she was only 3
However I never held a grudge and we always sorted things out until many years later by which time other grandchildren were around and one in particular was revered above all the others, even his own siblings
I couldn't comment on that as it wasn't my place but one Christmas she told my children aged between 8 & 16 that she couldn't afford presents that year (totally fine) because she'd bought their cousin a playstation !!(not so fine)
his brothers got nothing too(separate issue)
This caused my husband a great deal of heartache and we never saw her again
6 years later I had a call to say she was dying and wanted to see us. We made our peace thankfully and my husband was there at the end
I'll never understand her ways but am so glad we had that chance to clear the air
I just hope I can be better at sharing my love when more grandchildren arrive
Both my boys are 'courting' so maybe I'm about to experience DiL's. Hope I make a good job of it (how dare they take my boys away!! LoL)

Mommaberyl1 I really feel for you, sending flowers and virtual hugs [[[ ]]].

One of my DIL is similar to yours and you're right sometimes you can't do right, no matter what.

I have three DiL - two of them are wonderful, kind, caring girls - the other is the exact opposite. From the outset she was rude, often staying upstairs when I went to visit or staying outside in the car when my son came to visit. She made it clear she didn't like me despite my attempts to "keep the peace". It has ended with my son being estranged from not only me but also from his two brothers and the rest of my family. Only one of my sons was invited to their wedding and he has since now lost touch with both my son and his wife. I could blame my son as I think it is up to him to make his own choices in life however I do know that their two daughters were used as pawns in a small break up they had previously. Needless to say I have lost my son, and my two granddaughters, my sons have lost a brother and my mum has lost a grandson - all because of a self centred manipulative young woman. You can never do enough for some people and personalities can not be changed no matter how hard we try

I have three DiL - two of them are wonderful, kind, caring girls - the other is the exact opposite. From the outset she was rude, often staying upstairs when I went to visit or staying outside in the car when my son came to visit. She made it clear she didn't like me despite my attempts to "keep the peace". It has ended with my son being estranged from not only me but also from his two brothers and the rest of my family. Only one of my sons was invited to their wedding and he has since now lost touch with both my son and his wife. I could blame my son as I think it is up to him to make his own choices in life however I do know that their two daughters were used as pawns in a small break up they had previously. Needless to say I have lost my son, and my two granddaughters, my sons have lost a brother and my mum has lost a grandson - all because of a self centred manipulative young woman. You can never do enough for some people and personalities can not be changed no matter how hard we try

Yes I'm still trying to make her happy at 55 I take her dinner over take her out, bite my tongue when she talk's about how hard DD and DSIL works who pops over briefly at weekend, But my DIL'S no such luck they rarely visit ( unless they want something) still things have changed, I hate to think what it will be like In another 40years time.
People have so little time for each other these days......

I have been married three times, my first MiL was lovely I got on well with her then she died of cancer and FiL remarried and new MiL was ok, we got on alright. The second husband's mother thought she was a cut above everyone else but she had forgotten I'd grown up in the same village and knew her from when I was a child so her airs and graces didn't work. She didn't like me much but the feeling was mutual, I was civil to her if we saw her and that was it. This husband's mother died many years ago so I don't have a MiL now.

My MIL was rather eccentric but I loved her and I am very fond indeed of my DIL (and her mother).
Bellanonna My DD doesn't have an Italian MIL but one from a country near there (not saying) and I do sympathise - DD expected to gain another Mum but has gained a jealous harridan.

I loved my MiL and I love my DiL. I cannot believe that my son managed to persuade such a lovely girl to marry him.

We get on so well that both families have melded. We stay with DiL's mother when visiting them as they do not have room to put us up in comfort. DiL's mother, sister and partner have stayed with us at various times and we all get together for big anniversaries and family occasions and DiL's mother is planning a visit to my DD this spring.

I have been very lucky. No SiL so no idea what that is like. I think it is personality rather than gender that governs relationships.

I had an Italian mil. Say no more. Bonus was the distance between us though she did make our holidays pretty unpleasant. Luckily her son is not like her and he's a lovely man.

I got on really well with my MiL, in spite of marrying her only son, as did my DH with my mum. I get on exceptionally well with my DiL and never feel I play second fiddle to her mum. I also get on with her parents. Perhaps I have just been lucky, especially when I read the awful situations on here.

My own MiL only liked me because I was better than DH's No. 1 wife!!! I come from a French background and have two degrees, so was too foreign for her. She and FiL [who was a sweetie] left school at 12, so we had very little in common apart from their son. Her son was happy with me, I gave him 3 children so she liked that - but no, we never got on at all. She was never unkind but made comments that implied that her DD's family and children were far better than mine. Since my own parents thought the same, it was hard!

I have 2 girls attached to my own 2 DSs adn I get on extremely well with them; my problem is SiL who doesn't like me much. Never rude, never nasty, but he and his family are drawing DD and the girls away relentlessly from us. Heartbreaking - but I shall not make an issue of it. I don't want to be the one who splits the family. No MiL jokestrue or not about me...

I have 2 SiLs. I get on well with them, and I think they respect me. It's their FiL (OH) that they have a problem with. I can't say that I blame them altogether, but it makes life difficult for me, and I'm sure, for my DDs.

I've often written about my parents in law, whom I adore. My mother in law, in spite of many misgivings (understandable at the time), made a conscious decision to support my marriage to her son and in time we have become very, very close. I love her dearly and know she loves me.

My daughter in law is also very, very special. I've known her since she was seven years old when she made friends with my son and she was his childhood sweetheart from the age of sixteen; they married straight out of university. She's a wonderful wife to my son and a delightful young woman in her own right. I love her very much and we get on well.

My youngest son is in a long term relationship and has a lovely girlfriend who has had a very different upbringing to him. I'm enjoying getting to know her and I like her a lot, but the differences in outlook, experience and opinion are significant and only time will tell whether we can become very close; I hope so.

My mother had a poor relationship with her MIL, and even now, 45 years after she died, she still goes on and on about how awful she was - I do rather think she should get over it by now, but I think she looks back and thinks 'what a mug I was'....and she was. She allowed grandma to get away with rudeness and excessive demands, because, I think, she felt she was obliged to put up with it.

I was blessed with my ILs who were both lovely people, and we never had a cross word.

My parents were lucky with their 4 children-in-law, too.

However, my mother had a daft idea that she and my father wanted to be called 'FIL and MIL' - father in law and mother in law. I was the first married child, and my dh had always used their first names. She decided she didn't like it, so when she acquired DILs as each of my brothers married, she asked them to use these terms.

My 3 sisters-in-law all felt this was too ridiculous, and of course spent several years calling them nothing at all, rather than force the words out Eventually, they started using their first names, and she just had to accept it!

N&G I think you have hit the nail on the head:"I felt when I first married that i HAD to make my Mother in Law happy . Has that all changed?* Yes it has, most definitely and probably a good thing but in some cases has gone too far. I don't think the posters so far reflect the previous postings on GN.

My MiL resented me from the start as I think she would anyone who took her only child away from her. She was older when he was born and her whole life resolved around him. In addition she thought he should marry a local girl and I wasn't. However, once we were actually married we both worked hard at the relationship and I am happy to say that when she died we had a good relationship. FiL lived for a long time afterwards and we got on very well.

We have 2 wonderful DiLs and get on brilliantly with them both despite third DiL doing her utmost to put them off us. She failed miserably and I suspect the result of her efforts made them closer to us. I feel very sorry for her as she has no relationship with the male members of her family which means my GSs get more female interaction than male which I feel is a disadvantage for them. She has no conversation and very few friends probably because she is very controlling. I wish her well but doubt she will ever be happy.

NanandGrampy my DIL is French, and I have found that there can also be basic and deep cultural differences that can get in the way of smooth relationships. Researching and learning about these have gone a long way to helping me to understand not just my DIL, but her family, and of course my grand-children who are half French. And of course helping me to understand my son's position amongst all of this, as he lives in France. I am still learning . . .

The best advice I had was to keep my mouth shut and my purse open it works !!! . However I have one very selfish daughter in law .good at her career but no time for her husband or children sadly . So I definitely have had to keep quiet . I've done thousands of hours of childcare as I felt her children needed TLC. Not one little bit of thanks from her .
My other DIL is very different she's kind and caring values people much more so different people different values . Hard to come to terms with.
Remember if you have sons chances are you ll be a MIL

It's good to hear there's a happier side to the picture.

I have only sons-in-law, whom I love, so no experience of DiLs, except being one. Loved my Mother and Father-in-law as second parents, and they were most loving. and wonderful grandparents to my daughters. The last thing MiL said to me, as she lay in hospital, was "You've been a lovely daughter". I treasure that memory and miss them.

I am so fortunate. I love my DSil and DDiL very much - they are wonderful people and I cannot imagine either of my children without them and I love their company, with or without my DCs. My first in laws I loved so, so much until the day they died and I still miss them dreadfully, even more that my own DM, father was always a no no. So I was taken into first in laws home at the age of 19 and treated like the daughter they never had, and this continued after I divorced their DS. My OH's mother was also very wonderful and felt very sad when she died, but no-one will ever be like first ex H's parents. I hope I have matched up to MiL for my own D&SiL.

My MIL didn't like me from the start. Didn't acknowledge me, talk to me, called me names when she knew I was in earshot..then I fell pregnant and the tables turned, but the damage was already done. She didn't apologies for the past things.

But I did try, because she was my OHs mom. Lots of things happened and her true self came racing to the surface. It was like watching a car crash. She ruined it for herself and she is the only one to blame.

I think as any relationship you both need to try. My DH and I bent over backwards for her however she is very maniplitive and selfish so it was never good enough.

It's been almost 3 years now and my DH has no intention of getting in touch. Shes missed out on so much. It has nothing to do with her being a MIL, she was always like it

My MIL hated me from the word go I was divorced with two young children and this in her eyes was beneath her son we later went on to have a son together but due to the horrible way she had treat myself and children she had nothing to do with our son as by then it was better to cut her out of our lives so I'm very aware when dealing with my own SIL DIL to bite my tongue as you reap what you sow.

I was lucky, as my husband and I were both very fond of each other's parents (now no longer with us). We have a son-in-law we get on well with, and my daughter is close to her in-laws too. They have also become friends of ours. So far so good. But I also have an unmarried son, so I am very interested in this thread and the advice re possible future DIL.

I was talking to my daughter about this, and she said she is in the minority at work, as all her colleagues hate their mothers-in-law! I must say, I noticed this too when I was working - and often hate did not seem an exaggerated word. I know different generations see things differently, but I do hope this isn't inevitable these days.

We get on really well with our daughter in law and daughter's partner, for which I am very grateful. This was brought home to me when eldest grandson met a truly awful woman by whom he now has a baby and who has set about severing all his family relationships. Not so bad for us but I feel for his poor mum. Last time she visited the ghastly woman went to her bedroom and didn't come down until grandson's mother was about to go. I count my blessings!

I think in general,men are nicer easier going people than women,so easier to get on with.Not always the case,I know.But,(in my sons case) she likes her own way,and is not happy if she doesn't get it.I know my place,and keep to it.