Like mother like daughter??

I meant- sil was asked (told!) to leave school ...

I was indeed very very lucky. My mother was always an inspiration, loved by all my friends as the only parent in the 60s with an open door and always interesting discussions around the table- putting the world to rights, and always with an open mind and heart to the world- very internationa in her outlook. She was very beautiful and always looked amazing, simple but always well-cut clothes, trousers mostly. And she was very loving too. So I was truly lucky and realise it now more than ever.

There was little love between my sil and my mil- described by many of you here, right to the bitter end. She always favoured the boys, and she was asked to leave school at 16 instead of going to Art College- to help in the tailoring shop- whilst the boys went on to study, one medicine and the other to become a physics and PE teacher. She was very resentful- and I am not surprised. She adored and admired my mum.

I agree Anya.

How lucky are those who had a mother they could love.

I find it upsetting that so many people have not got on with their mothers or have felt unloved/unwanted etc. I am very lucky as my mother was lovely (so was my father - I had a very happy childhood.). I was a 'late extra' and must have limited my mum's freedom just as my brothers were growing up, but I was never aware of this as a child. Mind you I was a girl after two boys. Anyway I just wish I could be as good a mother and grandmother as she was. However she used to tell me that her mother was wonderful and she was not as good as her. When I told my daughter this once she commented (jokingly) that each generation in the family has obviously deteriorated! I very sad for all those who didn't and don't have a loving relationship with their mothers.
My mother died at 74 (I'm 72 now!) so didn't have time to get senile and difficult I suppose. I still miss her even though she died over 30 years ago.

Thanks for the advice Wendysue but I'm well into this. I have a network of friends, go to lots of activities and am generally coping well at the moment.

I have also downsized to a manageable flat, have done internet shopping for groceries when I had the flu and live near a handy corner shop, so I've "covered most bases."

Guess I'll have to leave the rest to whatever life brings along.

My mother has some ways I was eager to copy and others that I have tried consciously to avoid. Sometimes, I find myself thinking/feeling/acting in a way she did that I disliked. But then I try to catch myself and remember how that looked to me when I was a young daughter/wife/mother. As long as you're aware of what you don't want to do, I think you'll be ok.

I must admit, this worries me:

"I am an only child and have often longed for brothers and sisters, even more so now that I'm older. "

While I'm sorry you miss having siblings, I hope it doesn't mean you are already becoming emotionally needy. Or if so, that you'll find other ways of coping besides turning to your adult kids. Not that you can't reach out to them, sometimes. But I trust you have a network of friends, etc. to socialize w/ and hobbies and/or a likable job that keep you occupied and mentally stimulated, as well. I also hope you're aware of avenues to help in your area (home visitors/health aides or whatever you might need, later on), so that you don't necessarily have to lean on your sons/daughters, even if you become sickly in your old age (hope you don't, of course!).

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

I think it is [Parsleywin].

I feel very sad, reading some of the dreadful experiences shared here.

I wonder if a mother's 'failure' to parent adequately is still considered more shocking than a father's?

First we love our parents. Then we judge them. Then we forgive them. Clearly some parents don't deserve the last one!

Although my mother was often a total and complete nightmare to cope with I think it's only fair to say that we did have many happy times together but these times were always tempered by the anxiety that she would suddenly turn on me and become critical and unkind.

I am an only child and have often longed for brothers and sisters, even more so now that I'm older.

I remember so well being at mum's bedside in various hospital situations and feeling very envious of elderly patients with two daughters sitting at their bedside. It always seemed to be two daughters for some reason.

I know that brothers and sisters aren't always very supportive towards each other but all the same .....

The best thing about mum when she had the dementia was when she didn't know who I was but said "You seem like a very nice person."

That meant the world to me after a lifetime of being criticised in every way possible and made to feel inadequate.

Reading these posts, I do feel so very sorry for people who have grown up having to navigate a difficult M/D relationship.

My mother was a lovely person - without exaggeration, the kindest you could meet. She lived for her family and was a great nanny too. She didn't have an easy time with my father, even though they were married for 56 years and she had mental health problems which meant she was ill /absent from my life from when I was 11-21. It was only as my own children grew older and particularly as my relationship with DD1 developed over her teen years that I realised I had missed out on a closeness with my DM that I have always enjoyed with my DD. However, in later years I feel we did draw close.

My mum was not at all manipulative -I grew up with the confidence that unconditional love brings. However, my (ex) MIL was a very manipulative person and caused her sons and DD and DILs a great deal of misery through imposed guilt and obligation. I take pains to assure my children that they mustn't feel obligated over anything. I take the view that they are responsible for their own lives and I am responsible for mine. Of course I love to see them, but I would never want them to feel obliged to visit or, in time look after me. I hope - I think - they turn up because they want to!

I'm a little like my mother or so people say. But more like my dad, he annoyed the hell out of me. They were people of their time and products of their upbringing. As I get older I become more tolerant of their failings but it's too late now, their both dead. I do understand those of you who had mothers that were manipulative because I have a mother in law like that. Her poor daughter is wracked with guilt and yet has been a much better daughter than I ever was. Reading your posts has made me think about my relationship with my children. I hope they don't ever feel as if I'm a burden. The thing is life may have a lot more to throw at me/us. Who knows how
I/ we will react to it. What affect that could have on me/ us as a
person/ people and our mental health. Just keeping my fingers crossed that in 40 years time I've left my lot with positive memories of me.

My mum looked after her mother. She always said that my Nan treated her dreadfully and favoured my uncle. I have no way of knowing really as my Mum was a terrible manipulator of the facts. She would also have been conscious of how it would have looked to any onlookers if she hadn't done the right thing.

Having written the above paragraph, I am sad that apart from the fact that I was never good enough for my mother, I have no idea whether anything she told me is the truth. I can't express quite how odd that feels.

But, we are jolly lucky to have GN on which to express these feelings and to share our fears of following the pattern. The more we talk about it, the less likely we are to make the same mistakes.

Kittylester explained it well when she compared these mothers to abusive and controlling men who it is very difficult to break away from. I feel so sad how there are controlling and blighting you life

In not one of your posts have you mentioned that this tyrant looked after their own parent. So you are not likely to be like them.

kadeks

Canarygirl1 you don't sound self pitying at all and I don't imagine for one moment you're a horrible person. I'm glad you read this thread and realised you are not alone in not having a loving relationship with your mother. I hope you can start to move on from this moment with your life with a less heavy heart. You've thought of yourself in this way for a very long time, so you might need to get help with learning to think of yourself in a different way.

My poor Mum was so locked in her battle with my Dad (she was deeply bitter about women's place in the world - and it was all Dad's fault apparently) that, even though I think she probably did love us, she had no emotion to spare for us - nor cuddles nor hugs. I was not intended - gin and hot bath apparently failed to dislodge me!

She was not physically cruel to me (although she was to my sister) but just cold - and the apparent normality of our home life was well hidden from those outside. It is hard when you are a child and you have nothing to compare it with - you just assume this is normal.

But when she was in her care home and very demented, she told one of the carers she loved her "almost as much as my oldest daughter" - that's me! - the carer told me after she died - that was a turn up for the books.

So I agree with some of the other posters here - if you had a loving warm mother then get down on your knees and thank your god!

I feel so sad that not everyone had a good mum like me. I was very close to Mum, we worked at the same place three different times, sometimes we had ding dongs but we would usually make up pretty quick. After my dad died my mum was only in her fifties but she thought that her life was over , I told not to be silly as you don't know what happens in the future. As it happens she went on to find a new partner which lasted till he died in 2003. He helped her through bowel cancer and he made her happy. Sadly my mum died in 2013, I thought I would die too, my sister thought the same, we miss her terribly. Its been three years and I'm still coping without her but it gets hard sometimes, my sister is the same as me but we are helping each other, our mum would be pleased we are doing ok. All you can do is do your best, if your mum was not a good one you just turn it around and be a better one. Or like me be a great Great- Aunty.

This comment does not sound right at all but here goes - to read all the comments from others who had dreadful mothers makes me feel better because as she told me on her death bed you are a dreadful person and I have always hated you your twin sister should have lived not you.I have always felt not worth anything because of the way she was, but since all of you sound lovely and very caring and supportive of each other perhaps I am not as horrid as she made me feel. Sorry post sounds self pitying but it is just because you all do seem so very kind to each other

Kitty. Thank you for that answer. I hadn't thought of it in that way. My Mother suffered terrible from domestic violence, and even when my sister and I 'rescued' her from my Father, she still went back to him.

I have been very saddened by some of the posts on here because I had (on the whole) a lovely Mother who would do all she could for me and my children. Maybe that is why I always felt that I should always be there for her. She was getting more feeble at the age of 86 and my husband suggested she lived with us. I dont think then he or anyone thought that she would be almost 98 before she died. She became very demanding and her attitude was it was my duty to look after her as she had looked after me as a child. My husband came to realise that he had not really done me any favours byhaving her live with us. In fact in the end I was always being tested on my loyalties because they both wanted my undivided attention and in the end my husband and I split up. A few weeks later she died. It is only now that much time has passed that my husband are getting back to our old footing and hopefully will start to live together again.

Some posters have said they were only children and wished they had a sibling to help
. Yes I had a brother but he couldn't be bothered to come and see her and everything was left to me. I am determined that I will never live with any of my children and when the time comes that I cannot manage to live in my own home I will go into a care home.

What an interesting thread. I never felt close to my mother. Dont have happy memories of childhood really. Remember being constantly criticised for bad posture, hit hard for doing things that I cant remember, having school homework ripped up and being made to redo it. When I had our two children I said I would always be there for them, because my mother walked out when I was 14, to live with another man. I worry when I feel myself starting to talk to them like she spoke to me, and hate looking in the mirror and seeing similarities. She is in a home with dementia now. Have had no contact for several years, and that was only for ther childrens sakes so they knew their grandmother. Feel that I should feel guilty, but dont. Good to get this off my chest. Thought I was a cold fish to feel like this. My husband had a happy childhood and cant understand how I feel like this, although both children understand me.

I had a wonderful mother.Theres not a day goes by,I don't think of her. She would have give you her right arm if she thought you needed it more than her.Everybody liked her.She wouldn't have dreamed of interfering ,or being a burden.If I'm anything like her,I'm proud.
Till we meet again mother.xxx