teenage DGD probs

marylane1996, if your DGD says she thanked you for the birthday money, then frankly it is rather rude of you to keep going on about it, you are making the girl feel awkward. Be thankful that she is growing into a caring young woman, supporting her partner, and I think your implication that her partner's recently deceased grandfather is lower down in the pecking order than you are as her grandmother is part of the problem. You have no rights to grandchildren, none of us do, don't keep looking back with regret at happier times, be glad for what you have; a grandson who has made a remarkable recovery, and granddaughter who keeps in touch, albiet not as often as you would like. She is a young adult with responsibilities, and surely you want her to visit because she wants to see you, not due to some obligation or feeling of guilt?

Teenagers are horrible. They don't really mean to be. It's just the nature of the beast. That said don't let her get away with murder.

I remember reading a while ago that they have a final spurt of brain growth and whilst it's concentrating on the new bit the brain cuts back on other bits including the area that controls empathy. That's why one night Snow White dances up to bed and the next morning Godzilla stomps down the stairs.

Go with the healthy eating route as long as she's eating enough it won't hurt her. My DD1 was a veggie for all of a week before she missed bacon and Mars Bars too much .

The only consolation I can offer is that they do grow out of it.

How often would you like to see her? Five times this year is about every six weeks. Once a month? Every week? It's all to do with expectations really. Hers seem to be very different to yours.

well* Marylane1996* just be thankful you're still alive,If she says she thanked you beleive her,it may just have slipped your mind and be happy that she's a caring young woman supporting her BF through his loss.She's 19 ...let her make her own choices,if she wants to see you she will ...but if your hypercritical of her and her cjoices ...she wont

Havent been on for ages. My grandson for those who read previously knew I was worried I would be stopped from seeing him in hospital and sadly I was right. Anyway he had the op was awfully ill for several weeks and has now shocked everyone as he can now not only walk but jump on the trampoline. No limp any more it is wonderful. My problem now is my 19 year old granddaughter who had a birthday a couple of months backs and has never thanked me for the money I gave her. She thinks I am losing the plot as she is adamant she said thank you and it is really upsetting as she has no contact with me except to say her and the boyfriend are fine. Last text I cannot understand she said she is under a lot of stress as boyfriends granddad has just died which of course she is upset but has no time to see me as she has to be around to view the body and say goodbye then go to the funeral. I feel so upset that she cant fit me into her life but a boyfriends granddad is more important. I have seen her five times this year and feel so hurt. Anyone got any suggestions what I can do

I hadn't even noticed that this was an old thread, Nana3. Yes, it would be interesting, and maybe helpful to marylane, to see how she's getting on now, wouldn't it?

I wonder how madmartha is getting on , it's nearly a year since her OP.
I am sorry to hear of your continuing problems marylane you sound very unhappy. Is your daughter your only child? I'm wondering how she is with others in the family and if you have anyone to talk to.
I think the ward staff will let you know how your DGS is if you ring the hospital. I hope all goes well for him.
My best wishes.

thank you all for your encouragement re my granddaughter. I am spending days looking through photos of when we went out loads of places but know this is unhealthy. That was then and now I have to get on with my life. My daughter is the main problem I fear as I havent seen her in 2 years. She makes a point of being out when I am arriving to see my grandson and my wonderful son in law keeps out of it and says well at least you get to see him but once a month is such a long time to wait . He is ten and we have one and a half hours to play catch up. My daughter has mental health problems and is on prozac but will stay in bed rather than see me. My grandson is going for major surgery mid March and I know she will prevent me from going to visit at Alder Hey as she doesnt want to see me as she believes things from the past which are not true. Any support you wonderful ladies would be so appreciated as naturally i am worried to bits about him

Oh Lord you have my sympathy, all mums and grandmas of teenage girls. I was a horror, completely irrational, critical and scornful of my parents (mum particularly) and not slow to let them know how superior I was. I can remember my mum saying I would drive her to the local mental hospital (as they were called then). The thing is, I knew I was being horrible and unreasonable, but my hormones just swept all reason in front of them. I got my comeuppance with DD1 (that particular apple didn't fall far from the tree!), who was just as ornery and supercilious - it's amazing we had any doors left, the way she used to bang them!

But then, I had a reprieve - DD2 was lovely, and sailed through her teenage years with a sunny smile on her face (making up for being a non-sleeping, constantly crying baby!). And DS just grunted at us for a couple of years.

They all emerged from the teenage years balanced, happy and caring young adults. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, OP! The positive is that she wouldn't behave like this if she wasn't settled, secure and totally sure of your love for her.

Sisters both had girls, they were hard work! I had a boy, much easier to deal with. Both girls cut themselves, went on freaky diets, ran away, got drunk from the age of 14. However they are now in their late 20's and fantastic adults.

It also seems like your Grand Daughter had an awful early life, poor mite. My nieces came from very stable homes.

All sounds totally normal behaviour and the best bit of advice I could give is "don't sweat the small stuff" ignore, ignore ignore.

Good luck OP.

Mine who lives near me is coming up to 14 I rarely do anything right now She can be wonderful one moment and turn on a postage stamp I think I aggravate her by breathing The other day we went out together and all was going rather well, too well as it culminated in Nan why do you have a pink bag with hearts on at your age don't you think it's time you bought a new one no says me I like it well that was it downhill all the way ...I think she is desperate not to stand out as different she rarely brings people home unlike her older brother who would have the whole class sleep over If I m with her when she goes to meet friends she asks me to not be with her when they meet or even acknowledge her if we were shock horror to pass each other in the street when I answered my phone on the train I was 'shouting' if I have a joke with anyone standing near me in a queue she shrinks into the background soooo embarrassed She is also on a no meat no fat no bread no butter eating regime will just eat plain pasta or crackers or fruit
I really think it's a normal phase I just let her get on with it at first it really hurt but now I take it all with a pinch of salt I remember years ago my boss said her 13 year old went up the stairs to bed an anglel and came down the next day a devil
Everyone else outside the home say nothing but praise and she's a good girl at studying etc .....she ll be fine

I had a friend who told me, when my DD turned 13, to lock her in a cupboard and not let her out until she was 17! ? She's just at the age when hormones, peer pressure, school exams are all working against her. My daughter used to shout, sulk, say really hurtful things and slam doors. They all come good eventually. You just have to ride the rollercoaster until she comes through it. My DD went to uni. got a degree in Anthropology, and is now a wonderful wife and mother to four children. I'm very proud of her. So keep up the good work and don't worry too much.

Btw, I think changing plans last minute is very rude, but I would chalk that up to youth for now and the challenges of adjusting to adulthood.

Maryjane, I don't think you should worry either. I know you miss gd but she is busy with her new love now. I would let her know you prefer to know in advance if plans are to be cancelled and not last minute. You might not see a change right away, but she will likely think about it. Always have a Plan B in mind for the day in case she flakes out.

Sounds like you have a teenager in your home, Madmartha! Lol! Agree mostly with all previous advice.

But you know the signs of anorexia, however, having gone through it with your dd. So if you really think that's what's going on, please begin to get her help right away. However, due to your past experience, you may be too quick to jump to that conclusion. So unless you're sure, a wait-and-watch policy may be best with very little commentary as others have said.

You might let he know that you expect her to respect your choices for food, clothes, etc. just as she wants you to respect hers.

She has been very lucky to have you and dh and I'm sure down deep she knows it. In a few years, she will probably be your lovely gd again. Don't worry!

marylane1996 don't worry its mostly the same the World over with Grandchildren from the age of 15 up to the time they settle down or start families of their own, we only saw/heard from them at birthdays or Christmas they have far more interesting lives than to remember to keep in contact with us oldies but she will come back at some stage just be patient and nothing stopping you contacting her with the odd text/phonecall now and then. Be sure she still loves you..

I don't think I'd worry about the criticism and general stroppiness too much f things are still going well at school. Just a thought about the eating. Joe Wicks "Lean in 15" is the current fit fanatic bible and actually it is very sensible and nutrition well explained eg why cutting fats isn't good. Maybe get a copy and cook from that for her?

She is probably just as fond of you as ever but she has other priorities in her life now learning to be an adult - just stay in touch but don't expect reliability!! Like it or not, our grown up DGGs have their own lives to lead and we just have to be there for them if they need us.

I dont now what to do about my beloved granddaughter we have always been close and i did expect a change as she got to 18. Now she has a flat and boyfriend i havent seen her since Xmas and get the odd text arranging to meet up and then cancelling the day before without a valid reason.I am on my own since my husband died many years ago and dont expect to be a main feature in her life but advice please anyone

She could well be teetering on the edge of eating problems.
She sounds like she is doing what someone I know did.
The girl thought all fats were bad so tried to cut them out. She didnt realise that to eat healthily, it involved eating those fats and other things besides.

Anither thing I heard. To be a perfectionist isnt perfection. [said by a doctor]
hope this helps

I have a teenage DGD who is younger than yours madm. She has always been a wonderfully loving, caring, happy and sensible child. She still is all these things but her mum has said she had times now when she is difficult to deal with. We have never seen this behaviour ourselves but I think perhaps your DGD is just going through that teenage phase. Sounds as though you are great grandparents and she is lucky to have you. Believe me my DGD is an absolute angel and if she can be difficult to deal with at times then so can any other teenager. Hope things improve soon

Thanks everyone, much appreciated, great advice & comments

It's a minefield. Good luck to all who tread it is what I say.

I had a bright (and I mean bright!) pink faux fur jacket when my DDs were in their teens and generally they thought it was great - but when I turned up at a parents evening in it..............! Bad move mother!

I do believe the only thing worse than being a teenage girl, is to be the mother or main carer for a teenage girl. I read something when mine were a similar age to your granddaughter Madmartha, that referred to the 'invisible audience' that teenage girls imagine are watching their every move, as well as every move made by their mum/dad/gran. One of mine would only leave the house with her father if she'd chosen his clothes. Yes, he is a tad eccentric but in her mid teens she was so anxious one of her friends or someone in the invisible audience would see his garb and somehow turn that into her being hopeless.
We all laugh about that now but at the time all we could do was bite our tongues and not get into an unnecessary row. The same daughter was also a gymnast and ken on healthy eating. This is over 15 years ago and I believe the pressure about eating disorders has got even worse.
Try not to worry, aim for positives and avoid a row unless its absolutely necessary. One of mine once pushed and pushed to go to a club in town ( no alcohol night for 16 years and above) she was 15 but the youngest in her year so all her pals had hit 16 and were going. It took me a while to read between the lines and eventually I asked her if she wanted to be able to tell her friends I was over protective and she wasn't allowed to go. A brief nod of the head and I said firmly - nope you can't go. She said thanks mum.
All the very best, she is so lucky to have you