Relationship with granddaughter

I soon learnt not to ask DD what she had done in school - the answer was always 'Nothing'

I made the same mistake when my first went to school Pens.

Poor thing, last thing you wanna do when you get out the gates is another test/quiz about school huh? no wonder they clam up! I would if I had that as I walked out the door of work!

I switched to asking her ^do you wanna know what me and your lil sis did today?" and she'ld always say yes, and I'ld chat to her about that then she'ld chip in with nuggets from her day

Sorry previous post lost a phrase!!

notnan I know exactly what you mean! When I worked in schools parents often complained that their children would not talk bout school. I advised that they stopped asking that terrible question 'What did you learn / do today' and instead start telling the child what kind of day they had been having. That way the adult models the expectation of what is expected in a conversation!

notnan I know exactly what you mean! When I worked in schools parents often complained that their children would not talk bout school. I that terrible question advised that they stopped asking 'What did you learn / do today' and instead start telling the child what kind of day they had been having. That way the adult models the expectation of what is expected in a conversation!

Honestly I get fed up with her being seen as "difficult" when she's not the one being tiresome company

My eldest has a great relationship with most relatives.. the ones who just let her be her and enjoy her company, she comes out of her shell to them.

The ones she doesn't have a great relationship are the ones who put her on the spot and expect more from her than just her being herself.

Biggest problem is one relative in particular quizzes her, it's like an interrogation, you wouldn't speak like that to an adult! within the first 5 minutes there's been 20 questions, and they think she's being rude if she gets fed up answering them or if his answers aren't long enough "How are you? how's school, what are your friends called, what's your teachers name…."
- it's exhausting.
and it's not modelling being good company, they don't realise that they're not giving her any thing but questions. yet they seem to think she's rude for not blurting out all her news within minutes of arriving!
Other relatives just chat naturally.. they talk about their lives to DD.. and she pipes in with snippets from hers. They don't put her on the spot.

It's like a bloody oral exam. I don't blame DD at all for getting fed up with it, I don't actually think she's the one being rude/not great socially in that dynamic!

Maybe none of this will resonate with you, but just incase it's relevant I thought I'ld share it

Oh I so agree with luckygirl, Just enjoy that they have come to see you, we all have different personalities, I have eight GC everyone of them different. At the end of the day our children and GC are only lent to us they are not our property.

The adults in the situation need to model the behaviour they want to see in the child then she will feel at ease and 'warm up'. Parents are probably tense because they want it to go well, grandma is tense because she wants to feel loved by DGC. DGC will pick up on that and feel anxious herself! Whilst grandparents have an almost automatic love for their grandchildren, if they see them or not, it will not be the same for little children.
Adults need to get to gether to do something low key..jig saw/game of dominoes and be seen to be having fun..the children will , most likely, want to join in. Small steps to build a big relationship! Good luck.

The girls are 5 and 3, they are tiny! Their job isn't to be rewarding.

Thanks for all the wise words. Those from Pauline42 especially hit a chord. I would just add that her behaviour is the same when I spend time with them in their own home, so the jet lag theory doesn't fit in. I have often thought that if they lived closer and we saw each other more often for shorter periods of time this situation probably wouldn't have arisen. I do accept it is what it is and do not try too hard, but just do the things that I'm sure most Grannys do. But I have been interested in the different viewpoints. Hopefully things will improve in time. In the meantime, I will continue to enjoy my grandson.

She's five. 'Nuff said.

I don`t agree with her being too young to understand , she is old enough for her parents to insist that she is at least polite to you . If such behaviour is allowed she may think it is ok to be rude whenever she wants. I don`t think it is up to you to say something though , her Mum sounds sensible so maybe her . Thinking back to when we were children , I would have been in terrible trouble for being rude to anyone let alone my Grandparents . Granachrist`s idea of doing something nice together is a good one but only if she isn`t rude to you !

Teddymac, when families move abroad (especially when their children are young) and they leave all their extended family behind, these families take on different lifestyles - and the children have a different kind of childhood than children who grow up in the UK. Living abroad forces the immediate family unit to be closer knit and grandparents usually don't have the luxury of spending long periods of time with their grandchildren and certainly less opportunity to be a support system to the family and become involved with their grandchildren's lives on a routine basis.

Your granddaughter is probably resentful of the relationship she sees you have with your son - having not been exposed to what it's like to have grandma around and being part of her small family unit on a day to day basis and so not really being part of seeing a mother/son relationship happening around her as she grows up.

I think you have to accept it is what it is - it may not always be like this - but trying too hard, or involving your son and daughter in law in trying to work out ways so your granddaughter will like you more could cause more problems than you're dealing with at the moment.

We grandmothers live with this idealistic view of what we mean to our grandchildren and we want the perfect relationship to happen automatically - then get a terrible sense of disappointment when reality falls short. Please don't measure your own worth by how much you granddaughter likes you - be the person that your son loves and respects and time will probably bring more balance to the situation.

I know how you feel. DD1's D's are 12 and 9 and when they stay with us with their parents we are almost ignored. I feel that they crave the attention of their parents, which takes up a lot of their time and energy. They are better when with us alone.

Jaycee you have a good point there - perhaps she is jet-lagged

When DGS comes to visit he is very excited at first but can become a bit grumpy and tetchy after a day or two until he gets over the long journey and becomes adjusted to being here - which is so different to where he lives.

teddymac, you have been given good advice on this and it usually works out as they get older.
If she continues to be rude to you as she gets older then just use the teacher's trick of saying 'Would you like to rephrase that comment?' They know what that means!

My daughter had a difficult relationship with her grandma when she was small. Grandma interpreted her shyness as dislike and the child found her grandma's questions a bit frightening. However at about 10 yo she started going to stay with grandma on her own over night (without her sister) and they began appreciating each other based on a mutual love of animals eventually becoming really close. So please give it time and I'm sure things will improve

Have you thought about doing something together - just the two of you - something she would enjoy? Biking? Playing with make up? Swimming? Punting? Cooking? Going to a film together? I was desperate to see Finding Nemo years ago and had no grandchildren at the time so I rang a friend and asked to take hers!!! We had a great time, his parents had never taken him to a film (or to a naughty McDonalds) - we had a ball. He is 17 now and we still have a great relationship. I also find that toys and books that stay at Granny's work really well. So a toy farm or something they do not have at home.

You sound as though you're trying too hard, and somewhat overinvested, given that she's a very small child.

Give her some space!

I see my DGS (age 6) often as I'm only a mile away from the family. School holidays are mostly spent with me and we have a great relationship most of the time. Yesterday was not such a good day but at one point I felt so overwhelmed with love for him I asked for a kiss and cuddle. His very serious reply was 'No Grandma, you had one already and you can have another when Daddy comes to pick me up!'

Don't let her know she's getting to you, but on the other hand don't allow her to be rude and unpleasant to you. Nobody should permit that. She may not like you for a bit but will respect you in the end.
It occurs to me that she may be feeling homesick and takes it out on you if she sees you as the reason she's away from home.
Go with the flow. I hope she responds eventually.

hi teddymac perhaps you could chat with her about the times you've enjoyed with her when she was little - as a baby and how delighted you were to see her for the first time and hold her and add in some stories about what she used to do with you when tiny. Children love to hear stories about themselves and it could bring you closer together. (You could embroider the stories a little!) Do you have photos of her which you could show her during a grandma and grand-daughter chat. Maybe her parents have actually made this into a bit of a mountain with her by talking to her teacher etc. Maybe she needs time and space to change her own mind about how she feels when they come to stay with you - as others have said she might be missing her home and friends and feel out of sorts simply because she isn't at home.
Hang on in there I hope things improve for you all.

Does she have a long journey? I am not the worlds best traveller but generally find I am ok for a day or two and then get a bit tired, headachey and probably grouchy. If she is pleased to see you initially it may well be something entirely outside of your relationship. When she is a bit older she will be able to tell you how she feels if she wants to but she may not be able to analyse her own feelings yet.

I have an issue with my daughter. My husband and I divorced after 40 years of marriage. He had moved in with someone else within 2 months. Both my children have taken his side our marriage was not good for the last 9 years at about the time he took on a business and remortgaged our house and spent 2 lots of inheritance without me knowing going into his business. My children no longer speak to me which means I do not see my 3 Granchildren one of which I was very very close to I breaks my heart and the kids should not be part of what has gone on.