Trying to understand mil and dil relationship

Chrishappy, excellent advice! A ploy I use with bullies and it works every time! They just can't be nasty in the face of apparent kindness and goodwill.

Dilineed: MiL might be a a bit confused at first, but stick at it.

But if all else fails, secretly record her nastiness and play it back to DH so that he appreciates how bad things are. After that, leave her to her own devices. She'll be the loser with a miserable heart.

I wasn't very close to my DiL until my first grandchild was born, 7 months ago. Since then, we have really bonded. She is such a wonderful mother to my baby grandson, and I feel a direct link to her, through him. I feel so sorry to hear all these stories about Mils and DiLs who are at war with each other. It's not a good situation for the grandchildren or anyone else. It seems to be the MiLs who are often the cause of the disharmony, but being older and, hopefully wiser, they should surely be the peacemakers.

I would not give this nasty vindictive woman the time of day. Just be polite if you meet her but do not bring yourself down to her level. You are worth more than that. Believe in yourself. Eventually your children will see her for what she is as well. It is amazing what children see and understand.

WhenIleft my my now ex husband I went to live with my mil , she was lovely and totally supportive not like my own mum! We are still friends and me and husband no. 2 visit, take her for lunch and even both get invited to family dos

You won't change her. She is what she is. Don't criticise her in front of your children( I am sure you don't) they will see through her eventually. You live your life and let her get on with hers.

My mil the night before my wedding in front of me tries to convince my husband not to go though with it and go home with her, no one would care she said! Ermmm my husband sticks up for me and that really exasperated the situation that's when he told her to respect me or expect little involvement. It's so hard, I think if she gave me a chance we would get on well! I need to looking for this woman's approval and live my life. It's hard to swollen when the mother of the man you love doesn't think your good enough. I'm no angel but I have tried x

I could of wrote this blog 39years ago when a s a young bride everything I did was wrong she is now 94 years old and totally dependent on me as her son who is still my lovely husband can't stand her over disparaging remarks and innuendos but of course now the three lovely grandsons don't. Is it only see at Christmas over the rows and her behaviour ove r the years, my mum is dying slowly in car home and I am going daily to see her she has Alzheimer's even now she is still trying to compete with this woman who literally has days/ weeks to live. She cant bear to be not in the limelight!!!! So good luck and put your foot down and enjoy your marriage she is the complete loser in this x

Why do these women make it so upsetting for themselves ? Mine was a horror - jealous of everyone and everything. Before we married I heard her tell her one and only friend how much she disliked me. Some examples of her spite - she knew I was saving for a particular trouser suit in a local little clothes chop - next time I saw her, she was wearing it !! We saved very hard for every stick of furniture for our newly bought house but she never remarked on it or complimented us but when we next visited there was a new Ercol top of the range dining suite as near to our cheaper one as possible.
On the very rare (really) occasions we asked her to babysit she always had to check with FIL in case they had an arrangement (they never went anywhere). When I had our daughter she visited us in hospital the next day and said "What a beautiful baby" turned to me and said "You HAVE surprised me" ! This went on for over thirty years and became worse when FIL died. It eventually came to a head and I didn't see her for the last five years of her life but always encouraged my husband to visit and take the children. It was all so sad because I had anticipated us being good friends, especially as my parents were much older.

I think the son has a lot to answer for here. If he has chosen you as a wife that's pretty much the end of it. He needs to explain to his mother the hurt she is causing and finish that conversation with "Mum, don't force me to make a choice, you may not like the decision". As a male I often think it's time some other males grew a pair of balls and made a stand in defence of their wives.

I got on well with my MIL and I have gone out of my way to get on with my DIL. Unfortunately, the DIL has always been jealous of me and an be quite nasty ; except when she wants my helpto babysit. I decided long ago to ignore it in order to have the chance of a good relationship with my grandchildren and to avoid putting my son in a difficult position.

Well I had the dil from hell and believe me I am very easy going and not a threat.

Go for it. You have nothing to lose. As long as you sow seeds that you are going nowhere, and that you would like if everyone was happy. She may be deeply insecure, and is showing her own fears by being nasty to you. She may be just as afraid of you as you are of her. Rise above her. Make this your challenge to sort things out. Once you have done all you can, you can know you can do no more. If she does not accept your hand in friendship, then it is longer your problem but hers.

I don't think my m-i-l ever liked me. I was an "incomer" and not the girl she had marked out for her son, but fortunately we didn't come into contact with each other that often. She was never openly unpleasant though. I can't believe that anyone could be so consistently and actively unpleasant as the OP's m-i-l. It would almost make me wonder whether she had mental health issues. I have a son and I sometimes had a struggle with my first d-i-l, who, for reasons that seemed to stem from her own complicated family situation, kept me at arms length to such an extent that I thought that I would never have any kind of relationship with her - and I have never been, or wanted to be, a suffocating presence in anyone's life. She seemed to want to build a wall around them both. I liked her - I just didn't understand her.

I met my MIL when I was mature, so had nothing to strive to live up to. Not baking, even Christmas cakes, not knitting, I stuck to my guns, and now just eat her cakes and let her knit for my grandchild.

My DIL, on the other hand, is another story!!

It's not just a mil thing, you can bust a gut trying to get on with baggage inherited in second marriages and lose your identity and still be used like a football. Now, I don't bother, my house, my rules etc.etc. For me it is the only way to survive.

I had a neighbour who had this sort of relationship with her MiL. H would go every Saturday to take her shopping and do jobs for her. The family could not go out until this ritual had been done. Obviously much more to it but it came to an end when the S went to pick his mother up on Christmas morning to find her dead in bed. All natural and peaceful I an happy to say but C always thought she had somehow planned it to get the ultimate control and ruin Christmas for them.

Fortunately my relationship was good enough with my MiL. She was much older than my Mum, seemed a more grandmotherly figure and perhaps this helped. Distance precluded us spending a lot of time together, nearly 50 years ago travel was slower and more difficult. I would have liked to know her better, she died 35 years ago. Your story could be that of a close friend, she tolerated the behaviour you describe for many years. Her DH was supportive but seemingly could not change the situation. It did change as much as it could when our friend began to be more assertive. I wish you well and applaud your desire to form a more positive relationship. It may never be as you hope but from your description hard for it to be less fulfilling. I'm the mother of sons and worry so much when I read about these oh so difficult relationships. I think I get on with my two daughters by marriage, but I also wonder how it is from their side. How do we ever know? Good luck, let us know how you get on? I hope one day your MiL will appreciate you.

I would kill her with kindness, buy her flowers when you go round, be soooo nice that her bad behaviour sticks out like a sore thumb and if she is critical just say ' oh I'm sorry you feel like that ' she will soon get the message

inishowen I admire her too, I know too well it's not easy to confront that situation.

Thanks so much everyone

My daughter had a problem with her future in-laws. The mother put nasty things on facebook about her. There was a big fall out, and they missed the wedding. They also missed three years of their granddaughter's life. Recently my daughter decided to confront the situation. She met up with them in a cafe and aired all the problems. They were so sorry and there were a lot of tears. They have since been to visit and got to know their GD. They are devastated that they missed the wedding. I know in my heart they will be on best behaviour from now on. They suffered in the three years they didn't see their son and his family. I admire my daughter for having the courage to sort out the whole mess.

There are people on this earth that are never happy no matter what you do.I have 4 sons and they all have partners.I have treated them all the same.Made them welcome asked them for Christmas etc.I have s pent the same amount of money on gifts and made sure they all had the same No of stocking fillers Easter eggs etc.The 2 that I did the most for (took them in, even giving them money til they were back on their feet never offered back BTW) these 2 really dislike me and I don't know why.The other 2 are angels and thank God for them.

Don't feel guilty just do what makes you happy that's what works best.

Joyfully I do need to do this, I think somehow I have been conditioned to fear her and I do avoid her now at all costs. I guess other than breakin up with her son she's winning I guess.

I think I do this on my own in a public place and see if she can just give me an answer! I don't think she realsies how perfect me and dh are for eachother, we found eachother at a time when our lives were low and we were both struggling with so much hurt. We're soul mates and make eachother so happy, I like the person I am since we have been together and that's from a place of awful abuse from an ex. I can't see why, even if she doesn't like me (being married to her son doesn't mean she has to like the person I am) how happy we make eachother!

You know what they say, a daughter is a daughter all your life, but a son is a son until he takes a wife.

Here is an idea if you feel confident enough to do and it sounds as though you are.

Take her for coffee, and ask her this.

I have wanted to have a talk with you about what specifically it is you just don't like about me? Do I threaten you in some way perhaps. Depending on her answers, then ask her how you could both get along better. Give her an opportunity to speak without interrupting . Then you could say something like: because after all, neither of us is going anywhere, and we don't want .....to be between a rock and a hard place in his affections for us both do we?
If it goes badly, say gosh look at the time. Must dash. If it goes better, give her a hug and buy more coffee .

Don't waste any more of your precious on this unpleasant individual.

Jenpax you have described the struggle I had with my MIL, sadly she had her own career plans cut short through illness. She found it difficult to have three DILs who had careers. Smiling sweetly, was rarely done!