Help/advice Re sister in law.

She usually manages exactly 15 minutes on the phone bags, so you could be right. It hasn't always been like that though. She used to be very chatty.

I'll keep plugging away.

kitty, could she be a secret phone hater, someone who prefers phones to be used only for "conversations of purpose" rather than for chatting?

I am but in my case it took extreme determination, when I felt my mother was being too nosy and phoning too often, to implement my preference. And very few people understand. They just think you're being a recluse or rude or both.

I have yet to work out what's actually wrong with being a recluse but the idea was thrown at me like an accusation. The fact that I do get out and see people seems to be irrelevant.

Anyway, that was part of the reason I suggested postcards if things continue as they are right now.

jane - in reality I have spent a couple of days chuntering about how rude sil was being as she is not known for her tact!

Thank you for all your replies and advice.

As a start, I've sent her an email saying I'm sorry to have called when she has been busy and empathising with her regarding her husband's pain and the cancelled op and asking her to let us know how his rearranged op next week goes.

I'm going to leave it like that for now as DH will be ringing his brother before he goes in to hospital next week and I will ring her after he has had it done.

kitty I think it says a great deal about you, that your only concern is for your sister-in-law and not for yourself. So many others would be quick to take offence.
I agree with the others who have said just hang in there - keep phoning, maybe send the occasional postcard.
I hope you get some response soon x

Send a postcard once a month with some little chatty comment about nothing important and love from you

Your poor sister-in-law! What a lot of losses she is having to deal with! I would agree that she sounds as if she is feeling the strain. All you can do really is to keep reassuring her that you are there for her when she needs you. It must be her choice when that is. A little card or some flowers are good ideas, just to let her know that you care.

Good idea Anya. Keep trying to reach out to your sister in law kitty, grief makes some people withdraw.

If she's a gardener (often in the greenhouse sounds like she is) then send her a little something for the garden. This is the time to plant bare- rooted roses. Perhaps send her one from someone like David Austin roses?

Losing a child is the worst that can happen to anyone. People often act oddly or withdraw after a bereavement, especially one as awful as that, it's their way of grieving.

I would send her a bouquet of lovely flowers, with a card saying that she is in your thoughts a lot and you wish you lived nearer.I did this for my sister a few years ago, and she was very pleased.I know it's quite expensive to do, but worth it.?

I do think that all you can do is keep the channel open with the occasional call, card or email. You cannot force a response, even though you know how sad she must be and you are dying to do what you can. Very hard.

Oh dear. It sounds like a sad time in their house. Maybe just a nice card? Saying just a quick hello? To remind them that they're not forgotten or that they're still cared about? Things may seem particularly bleak to them as Christmas approaches.

Thanks for the quick responses.

They live too far away for a quick visit. Her DH is not very emotionally intelligent and is pretty tied up with his pain, the dog and the death of their son but I am sure he is passing the messages on.

She does occasionally respond to email but in a very perfunctory way A card or letter seems a step too far. - making more of it maybe.

Are you sure that her husband is passing on the message that you've phoned?

Poor love, why dont you write to her or even just send a card saying you miss the chats you used to have.

Does she live near you Kitty? If not, I would try to ask her husband as Bags suggests. It does sound as though she's depressed and doesn't want to talk to anyone, but sometimes just a hug will bring out the sadness or worry. I'm sure you already know that so I'll shut up

That's very sad. She's having a terrible time - don't take her rejection personally (although that will be hard). Keep phoning once a fortnight whether she takes your call or not, that way she'll know you're there for her when she perhaps stops hurting so much that she's able to look to friends and family again. Sometimes people can be like an injured animal in the early stages of grief and pain and retract into themselves, lashing out at those who try and come near.

Ask her husband if anything's the matter? Or ask your husband to ask him? Visit?

Just immediate suggestions. I don't know if they're any good.