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Can anyone tell me what went wrong?

(156 Posts)
cheneslieges132 Thu 29-Dec-16 11:33:50

My thanks to Annierose, cornergran and Hilltopgran - I have already written to her daughter (which was totally ignored, even though I included a stamped envelope for a potential reply) and there are no mutual friends etc, so I am stumped. I did send a card also - same thing - no reply at all. Four attempts at phone calls all failed. My age is 78 and my lost friend is 73. And the strange thing is that both my lost friend AND her daughter were both Witnesses to my original Will, and my lost friend was entrusted with it for safe-keeping, also the code for my Safe. Reluctantly, I drew up a new Will in November, with new Witnesses, as I was very unsure how things would "pan out" as it stood! Regarding the bouquet of Flowers, according to Interflora she demanded to know who they were from, and then literally threw them back at the delivery girl, who left in tears. So I am no nearer in getting peace of mind. But thank you for your kind concern for me XX

Anniebach Thu 29-Dec-16 11:28:36

I feel sorry for the friend, receiving generous gifts for years and being too poor to match this generosity , she sends a gift and receives a text telling her it doesn't fit and will be returned .

Returning gifts may seem a kind act to the receiver but possibly causes hurt to the giver .

Why dud you need to write a list of all you have bought her?

Hilltopgran Thu 29-Dec-16 11:09:53

Reading your post, my first thought as well was Dementia. If your friend is struggling with her memory any new arrangement would not register with her, and an inappropriate gift is not unusual, if her memory is affected she might not remember you and have not been able to understand the flowers were from someone she knew.

As suggested above, a letter explaining how you miss her and are very worried about her is your best option, but you might still not get a reply.

It is hard when you lose touch with someone dear to you, but there is a limit to what you can put yourself through, be kind to yourself and acknowledge the loss of a friendship, and treasure your good memories.

cornergran Thu 29-Dec-16 10:49:24

I can understand how upsetting this is. My thoughts echo those of annierose, if there is another mutual friend you could speak to or if at all possible speak with her daughter. If not perhaps let some time elapse and send a card saying that you miss contact with her. it may be that nothing can be done, but at least you will have tried.

Annierose Thu 29-Dec-16 10:44:42

Oh dear.
I wonder if this may be dementia? You don't say how old she is (and not always relevant anyway) but the obvious health issues make me wonder, as this is the kind of thing that people with dementia do.
She got muddled about gifts - she bought you something she thought you'd like (getting size wrong also seems to crop up often with dementia) and you 'rejected' it (she obviously didn't understand your practical and straightforward approach)

I know this may not help practically, but I wonder if it gives you some insight & comfort.

I wonder how well you know the daughter? I have often found that 'new' friends are never seen in the same light by children, so daughter may see you as a bit of nuisance, rather than as a deeply caring friend.
Is there any other mutual friend who is still in touch, and who you can ask about your friend?
I think your only recourse now would be a letter to the daughter saying how upset you are and indicating your hope to remain friends.

cheneslieges132 Thu 29-Dec-16 10:04:35

I am struggling with an intensely sad problem ... for over 26 years I have been Best Friends with a lady who lived next door to me on a new estate, when I came back from living in France in 1989. She moved 300 miles away 8 years ago, as her daughter wanted to have her living near her, in case her mother ever fell etc etc. I miss her such a lot. She was a soul-mate. We were more than best friends, in fact, we were like sisters and I treated her so very well with a huge amount of help all the time I have known her, because she was very poor, had no job or money, and latterly her health was not good (several serious problems over the last four years). Whatever she needed I would give her willingly, including four paid-for holidays in France (I still have a 2nd home there) and even an electric blanket when she came out of hospital a while ago. Just out of curiosity, I compiled a list for myself of gifts I have given her over the years, and there were more than 40 really wonderful things, including jewellery. My problem is this: 2 years ago we decided mutually not to ever buy each other token Christmas/birthday presents - however, on my birthday last August, she sent me a pair of "Disney" themed pyjamas. They were miles too small for me, and I texted her to kindly let her know, and said I would post them back so that she could get her money back. It all went pear-shaped, and she since then has totally cut me out of her life. She will not speak to me or send text messages any more, she even flatly refused to accept a huge bouguet of gorgeous flowers I sent her via Interflora. The girl who tried to deliver them was very upset (I spoke to Interflora to discover what had happened).
After all those years when were almost inseparable, and such very, very good friends, I am completely destroyed by this. I have tried ever since last August to come to terms with this, but it is terrible. I cannot sleep properly, I wake up crying, and have had many really dreadful nightmares.
Can anyone explain what seems to have happened?
I have attempted to contact her daughter, and she will not speak to me either. I am slowly going mad with worry.