Treading carefully

I think that maintaining the relationship you have with her and your GD is the thing to focus on here. Perhaps in time any suggestions or offers of help you may make in the future would be welcomed but for now I'd let it go.

I have been in extremely untidy and dirty houses belonging to teachers, nurses, doctors, Brown Owl (who was a teacher) etc etc, all kinds of people, nearly all parents of small children.
I have also been in exceptionally clean and tidy houses belonging to many different kinds of people - who were also parents.

My own house was very untidy when I had DC at home although I did try to keep on top of cleaning, washing and ironing.

The father and DiL try to "score points" off each other, the OP has said.

Here's an idea for you:

www.argos.co.uk/static/Browse/ID72/33012700/c_1/1%7Ccategory_root%7CHome+and+garden%7C33005908/c_2/2%7C33005908%7CLarge+kitchen+appliances%7C33008255/c_3/3%7Ccat_33008255%7CWasher+dryers%7C33012700.htm

I'd just like to chip in and say that a friend of mine, whose flat was very, very unclean went on to qualify as a social worker.

Pamhill4 I think that is a bit harsh. Maybe what you are advising could end up with the child in care, separated from her family. I know you mean well, but as the child is happy and not showing bruises or other signs of abuse I would not set out on that road. Offer to help out by taking the child out while Mum sorts washing etc out or even say that you could help her go through the 'stuff' to see what could be thrown out or sent to a jumble sale. Sometimes people just get overwhelmed when things start piling up. If Gran speaks to the school Mum might never forgive her and that would be a shame as it would end the relationship she has with her GC and her dil. What is the father doing about it? Surely he should step in and help?

I've not read the whole thread so forgive me if this has been already suggested, but could the OP not offer to help by doing some laundry? This is the perfect time of year as we all know it's harder that dry clothes in winter.

If busyb could say something like, she'd like to help out more having time on her hands (?!) and having a tumble dryer at home (?) does DiL want her to take the odd bag of laundry home for her as it's so hard getting things dry in winter and children go through so many clothes....I'm sure you get the drift.

Leave well alone do not barge in asking schools if she smells etc as previous poster suggested that would be awful unless the child is obviously suffering let them live their way if she's happy and well adjusted let sleeping dogs lie
I ve just bought my daughter an electric airer and think I ve wasted my money completely I thought there would be heat coming from it but no it only dries the small piece of material that comes in contact with each bar I m going to ask her if she wants to send it back as I know she's disappointed as I am

And yes, I have worked in areas where we have come across neglected and abused children.
If this is neglect it sounds like a 'benign neglect' not needing referral to social services.

busyb has said that her DGD isa well-adjusted, happy little girl and that sounds like a sledgehammer to crack a nut pamhill

I have a tumble drier in working order which is going begging - I wish I could give it to her!

Well I'm going to go against all this "good advice" here and say that's what is being described is actually neglect, a pervasive and very damaging form of abuse. Yes that serious! It damages the little girls self esteem as she will be picked on and ostracised in school by her peers, have less support at home than she should, be unable bring friends home etc because she will feel shame for her surroundings. Does she not deserve to live in a clean home? What if she has no bed/bedding to sleep on? Is that ok too? Then what about meals? If mum neglects the home then does she neglect regular good food too? This can't go on! And the question is why is mum like this? Is it poor mental health, drink/drugs maybe or simply overwhelmed by being a single parent? She needs help to change this, not collusion to keep it quiet! As a social worker for 11 years I've witnessed the long term damage a neglected child suffers. Talk to the school and see if they have noticed smells, signs of lack of care (although will be lessened by the time spent with her gran) and if so then share your own worries and observations then ask them to make a referral to social services as they are legally bound to do. If they haven't noticed anything then Gran should gently offer assistance, suggest agencies like Banardos or local services equivalents to support mum to make changes for the better. If she won't engage then don't worry about your DIL relationship, worry about your gd welfare. PLEASE act on this ASAP.

DD's washing machine only has a cold wash and she uses a powder which is supposed to wash properly at low or cold temperatures. However, she was upset to find that some of the towels started smelling 'musty'. I think you can buy something to add to the wash which kills bacteria.

lots of good advice here, a tumble drier would be a very good idea.

they tell Mum everything!

Towards the end of term after picking the GSs up I had to take them to their own house instead of mine for reasons I now forget. I have a key.

As I walked in the smell of wet dog hit me and I blurted out to GS1 (10) 'Oh your house smells' . He was very indignant (and to be fair DD is usually a good housekeeper).

Sure enough that night I get a phone call from DD very upset and asked what it smelled of. Grassed up by GS1!

I think as mess is quite subjective, it can be useful to look at the fire service/ social services clutter rating images (there is a kitchen one and a bedroom one - available on google images)

What matters in terms of children is whether the clutter is a health/fire risk, as it is in the latter images

In the former images, it may be unsightly to some, but the clutter isn't actually causing "risk"

hoardinguk.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Clutter-Image-Rating-Bedroom-1.jpg

hoardinguk.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/Clutter-Image-Rating-Kitchen.jpg

What number would you say the flat is at using these image ratings?

DD has no tumble drier and uses electric airer a lot. Thats Lakeland too. She's pretty pleased with it.

Re electric clothes dryers/airer, Lakeland do a very good one. I bought one for dds several yrs ago when et were in a house with no means of drying anything. They found it fantastic. At least 5 years on and after 2 babies in 15 months, dd1 uses it all the time.
It can fold away completely or take up only a very small footprint.

Alternatively, I gather that a dehumidifier is a great help for drying clothes indoors, and of course removes the damp, too.

mair I bought an electric clothes drier (John Lewis but second hand) and it was pretty useless tbh . It just seemed to dry the bits in contact with the heated bars unless it was very small items like socks and underwear. I wouldn`t waste money on one x

On the fusty smelling clothes, this is usually caused by clothes not being dried quickly enough, which can be an issue in a flat with no outdoor drying space and no tumble dryer.

You might be able to raise the issue of difficulty drying clothes without even mentioning the fusty smell. If she hasnt got room for a tumble dryer an electric clothes airer could help. Would it be an option to buy her one?

Tickety-boo, be quiet.

Great advice here, just say nothing and enjoy the access to your grandchild.

I am with everyone else in thinking that you must be doing something right, to have built up a good relationship with your DiL from a frosty start.
Just keep doing as you have been doing, and only give help if it is wanted.
Best wishes for 2017.

Wonderful how discussing on gransnet helps us sort out the right answers for us. I posted about my anxiety attacks over Christmas and within 2 hours I saw it differently and maybe how I could cope.

Busyb hope you are feeling better, I am another victim of this cold bug and I am staying home and keeping warm. Your last post was lovely and It was good to see your update.

Sorry I've not been on. 'Flu/cold' hit me badly yesterday.
Thank you all for your advice, she does have different clothes to wear here and some tend to go to and from both homes. Tessa101, I have thought about it and have decided to leave things a they are and like you say wait for an opening to hopefully arise at some point.
I have never been over houseproud, as long as my place was clean and started off reasonably tidy I didn't mind if it was 'lived in', I don't want to appear judgemental.
Trisha - yes that is exactly the smell, sort of damp clothes, I will have a think on buying a 2nd hand tumble dryer if I can find a tactful way of doing it.
Emilyharburn -Mother works part time (as a cleaner) and lives in a 1st floor flat.
On the whole my GD is a happy well adjusted kind little girl, so I will just keep an eye on things.
Thank you all so much for the back up and advice you have all offered. xx