She's relied on me for a decade. What do I do now?

SparklyGrandma, I am with you on this. I think Nelliemags has, by her own volition, been a part of this lady's 'care plan' for many years and needs to 'hand over' sort of officially to others if she feels she can't carry on any more after the conversation she heard, and I don't blame her. A 91 year old, no matter how nasty, is still in need of someone being aware of her situation and looking out for her. I think Nelliemags would perhaps feel better in herself if she made it clear to the old lady's family and the Care Services that she can no longer continue and they need to make immediate alternative arrangements. The 91 year old is primarily their responsibility. I am assuming other neighbours know Nelliemags pops in and out and may not look favourably upon her if the 91 year old had an accident and kind of blamed her for stopping care without ensuring the old lady was being monitored by others. People can be quite cruel and judgmental these days. It is to Nelliemags credit that she has persisted for so long but she does IMO need to cover her back. A phone call to the sons and a word with the care worker would suffice but have a witness to both and note the date, time and content.

I would still maybe ring the two sons and say you cant help any more due to your own family circumstances Nelliemags this will be clearly then ''handing over'' back to her family.

What they do then to sort her out with help, is not your responsibility. I would tell the care agency too.

Otherwise if she falls or is ill, you might get the agency etc trying to get you to take responsibility again.

I hope it was ok to say this

I wish I had a friend or neighbour as kind as you Nellimaggs as you sound such a lovely person and it does sound like your elderly neighbour doesn't realise just how much you have done for her.

I do agree that old people can be very nasty. My own mother is 93 and relishes in always telling everyone that no one does anything for her, when she has myself, my son and my sister always on hand to do things for her. It gets tiresome when your efforts are never appreciated but when it's family it's much more difficult. This lady is just a neighbour and quite honestly I don't know how you've managed to do so much for her for so long!

Belated Happy Birthday to you

I've known more than one old person who specialised in 'funny turns' every time they couldn't get their own way
Oh yes!

And, whilst you may put up with this from an elderly parent, she is a neighbour and very ungrateful. You don't expect people to constantly express their gratitude but to start saying nasty things behind your back is just not on - and a wakeup call I think.

I would not keep a key, you never know if she may start accusing you of interfering in her things.

Stay strong!
Sounds as if the flu thing could be a ploy to have you running round again.

Don't know about anyone else, but I've known more than one old person who specialised in 'funny turns' every time they couldn't get their own way. Funny turns which they miraculously recovered from as soon as whoever it was had given in.

Stay strong, Nelliemaggs You just get on with your life knowing you did your best, but do not need this aggro. Even if she 'apologised' should she find out or realise what she did, I would find it uncomfortable wondering all the time what she was really thinking in her head as she was being waited upon!

I would carry on as though it was never said, many old people like to gossip, they have such restricted lives themselves.
However, I would also take this as a wake up call. You say this lady has family, friends at church (do you take her to church?) and carers. Do you go out much yourself? If not I suggest you start making more of your own life, join some social/sports groups - make more friends, and do less for your neighbour. Be there for an emergency, but don't act like her unpaid servant. You could tell her next time you see her, that you won't be around so much, and ask if she would like you to still keep the key for emergencies. If possible, do this in front of the carer.

She is 91, I know from visiting my mum who is 94 and lives in sheltered housing that she and many of those she lives with say things about each other and other people that most of us would think offensive. It seems to be part of growing older. They don't seem to have the same restraints and will say whatever they think will get them sympathy/attention. I wouldn't take it too much to heart. I don't think they ever mean to hurt or upset anyone. They are just unable to stop themselves sometimes. (I know all old people are not like this). Just be polite, do as much as you want to and keep quiet. She's probably already on the phone to someone else saying what a wonderful neighbour you have been.

Oh good for you. And thanks very much but you don't need 'flu too, so keep away from bugs, which may or may not be genuine. It does sound like a ploy as she hasn't heard from you, but go on being strong. You've got a lot of grans backing you up!

Thank you, all of you, for making me feel so much better. She phoned today to say she thinks she is getting flu. I said I hoped she feels better tomorrow and she sounded nonplussed that I didn't say I would call by tomorrow. I am determined to stay strong,

You have been a very good and kind neighbour over the years nelliemags and I think the same as others who say that you have done enough. She obviously does not appreciate anything you've done and takes you for granted.

You say she has two sons - well they are going to have to step up to the mark and do more for her - they have presumably been taking your help for granted too. And her DD can come home from Australia occasionally and help her too.

She has a home help - if the home help says anything you could explain why you are withdrawing your goodwill - because that is what it is - goodwill over all those years.
She will have to find extra help, get her sons to do more and perhaps they can do her shopping for her or order her food online.

I would not just hand the key back, as Anya said, you need to send it by registered post or hand it back with a witness there (not her family member or the home help).

Old age does not make some people nicer, nasty cantankerous people often become more so as they get older.



I feel very cross on your behalf

Poor you! whatever her reason it's horrible to hear and clearly undeserved

IMO there are 4 possible reasons for what happened:

1. The carer isn't as nice as you think and went in and ranted about you, or, the carer is nice enough, but used you as an excuse for being late to her next call (they're never given enough travel time) and the next client complained, and then the agency played it back to your neighbour as if it was a major incident

2. Your neighbour is a decent enough person who always liked you but has early dementia and that's making her say nasty things

3. your neighbour was never a nice person has always been a bit nasty behind your back, but now that she has early dementia, she's more likely to get caught doing it

4. Your neighbour doesn't have any early dementia issues, and is just not a nice person.

Time for her family to step up I think, you've done more than enough and deserve better.

What a mean old woman, you have been such a fabulous neighbour!

If it was me in that situation, I think I would be withdrawing my help (except in the event of a real emergency.) I don't think I would bother having a discussion with her about what I had heard either.....what's the point, would just create more upset and she would probably deny she said it anyway...people like that are often cowards behind their spiteful remarks.

Whatever you decide to do, please don't have anything else to do with her finances, it rings big alarm bells for me that she could accuse you or your daughter of stealing from her.

If the woman really needs more help and genuinely can't afford to pay for it, then social services should step in.

Easier said than done, however, and I am reminded of an old aunt of dh's, who badly needed help and despite having plenty of money refused to pay for it because a) she was as tight as they come, and b) the neighbours should do it 'for love'.

Every carer we arranged was sent packing on grounds of being too loud, too 'common' etc. We lived 2 hours away so could not be popping in.
I would have the neighbours, mostly old and pretty decrepit themselves, wailing on the phone to me that they couldn't cope any more.
In the end Dh managed to get her into a care home, but oh, dear, what a wearying business that was for poor Dh.

Nellie, it's good to read what a busy life you have. I can understand your current feeling of liberation. Don't get sucked back into the earlier pattern though and enjoy your swim next week, hoping the little one is fully recovered by then.

You have been an absolute angel to your neighbour and I believe that you have been taken for granted and she will not realise how much you actually did until you stop.

As mentioned by others elderly people become less sensitive and live in a world of their own. I would have a conversation with her for your own peace of mind but stop helping out. Your neighbour is likely to need more help in the future and it is up to her family to sort this out with help of carers.

It is time to take more time out for yourself and your family.

I was helping the mother of a close friend a few years ago, sort out some carer and banking issues - my friend lives abroad and trusted me to do this.
However her mother had become very bitter and verbally, say challenging, towards her eighties and once did say to me when in a bitter tirade that it wasn't surprising my husband had been abusive to me.
Out of the blue. I took a deep breath, put it down to her overall bitterness and got on with the things I needed to do to help her.

So it could be your neighbour is just a sad old woman who still needs your help Nelliemags but as others have said on here, maybe you also need to pull back a bit, for your own health and sanity. If she has family, my last kindness towards her would be giving the family a ring and telling them she would now need their help as you cant anymore.

No payment Theoddbird! Just being neighbourly.

I'm not blaming the carer who, though she made a mistake, is a sweet lady probably being paid peanuts.

MrsM has only had carers since she fell and was taken to hospital a year ago. Nothing broken but in view of her age they had to set up a care package, free for 6 weeks. Then she had to reduce the care because of the cost and she just has the carer to get her up safely and down the stairs.

I never have a spare minute from dawn to dusk. Tomorrow from 6.30am until 6pm I will be looking after our 2 year old who is getting over a bug and I will be missing my usual swim. I'm still doing the DIY on the house, baking, growing vegetables, sewing, moderating on a health forum, there is no danger of me missing the time spent helping MrsM. It was always a squeeze to fit her in to my busy day.

Tokyojo I am sorry you were in that position having gone through it with my mother. People used to blame her nastiness on her age but she was always like that and led my poor father a merry dance. At least I had siblings to help and talk to.

I will talk to MrsM eventually but for the moment I am just enjoying keeping away

Withdraw your help (that has been so kindly given). Take advice from here to have a witness present when you give the key back. Enjoy your life !

I would ask her outright why she was saying such things about you...explain yo accidentally over heard her.

Put the truth to her and see what she says.

Does she pay you for what you do?

If she has carers why are you doing so much?

I agree with the majority of posters here that you should withdraw your help to this lady. Relationships have to be a two way think regardless of age or circumstances. It seems that this lady used you with out any respect or affection. It would be unhealthy for you to allow this to continue. I would still make it clear you will help in an emergency but as to previous arrangements you won't be able to provide that level of support in the future. You must decide whether to explain you over heard the phone call or not. Can I also suggest you seek opportunities for other relationships persue new interests and generally move on from this to prevent yourself to drifting backwards also?

Let us know what HM Next Door says once she twigs that you are not running to wait on her! Glad you had a nice day.

I think putting your own feelings first in this instance is the right thing to do. Age can't be an excuse for nastiness. You are her neighbour not her carer and you have been so kind. I agree with mum of mad boys about quietly confronting her and then deciding what kind of relationship you want to have with her. Very good luck

Happy birthday, Nelliemags!! You sound such a lovely person and you deserve to be fussed over today by people who appreciate you