Gransnet forums

Ask a gran

Advice Needed about Daughter on Drugs

(10 Posts)
NudeJude Wed 01-Feb-17 13:25:01

I've just discovered that my daughter, who's life is already on a downhill spiral is doing cocaine. As she has all but cut me off already, and I live 200 miles away, does anyone have any suggestions on what, if anything, I can do to help her? Two out of her three children are already living with her ex-husband, and my husband and I believe that the relationship she has with a new man is very unhealthy. I read an article featured on Gransnet the other day about 'Coercive Control' and it rang a lot of bells with both myself and my husband. We have both had concerns about him controlling her, and since she's been with him, she has gradually cut off contact with all but one of her friends, and her family, becoming more and more isolated and dependant on him. She is also frequently drunk, and now her best friend (the only one she still has contact with) has contacted me, out of her mind with worry because my daughter has now become reliant on coke. I really don't have a clue what to do as I've had no experience of drugs, so if anyone can give me any clues or advice, I'd really appreciate it.

grannyactivist Wed 01-Feb-17 16:37:34

My advice would be to hang on to what contact you currently have and at the same time ask yourself tough questions about whether the grandchild who remains in your daughter's care is safe. If there is any doubt about the latter then a phone call to your daughter's local social services department is in order.

Hilltopgran Wed 01-Feb-17 16:59:36

What an very difficult and distressing situation for all the family. Sadly keeping a partner reliant on drugs and or acholol is another form of abuse, so I agree with the poster above, you need to make sure your GC is safe and make a call to ask for support for the child and Mother. Keep whatever communication with your daughter that you can, although it sounds as if her partner at present is controlling her Iife, she may one day want to break free.

Izabella Wed 01-Feb-17 17:28:23

Very sensible posts above, and I would underline the safety of the grandchild who remains in that household. Please do not leave this until it is too late.

A terrible position for you to be in. Make sure you do get support for yourself too otherwise the guilt of someone else's actions (of which you have no control) will beat you down. 💐

Anniebach Wed 01-Feb-17 17:30:58

as the mother if an alcoholic I will say, don't break away from your daughter, you will be tormented with worry not knowing how she is coping. Do what you can to protect your grandchild . I hope your daughter seeks and funds help.

Grannyben Wed 01-Feb-17 17:58:23

I really don't want to be awful but you say that your daughter is reliant on coke, frequently drunk and, the man she is living with is controlling and, their relationship unhealthy. You really must contact social services. I appreciate this may tip your already difficult relationship with your daughter over the edge but the little one has to be the priority. I really am so sorry for the situation you find yourself in

mumofmadboys Wed 01-Feb-17 18:54:30

Could you talk to our daughter's ex husband?

Devorgilla Thu 02-Feb-17 17:29:37

NudeJude,I really feel for you with this problem especially as you live so far away. Are all the grandchildren biological children of her ex-husband? If so I would contact him and see if he is aware of the new situation with your daughter and if he is prepared to take the third child. If the child is not his biological child then I think you need to make someone aware of the situation as some step-dads (i.e. possibly the new boyfriend) don't always have a good track record with children born to other men. The child's school should have a senior teacher who has responsibility for the safety of children, especially ones in a vulnerable situation. You could write to the school or, better still, phone up to speak to that teacher and express your concerns. Make sure they are prepared to keep the conversation confidential. You can explain you want to keep contact with your daughter and finding out about the conversation could jeopardise that.
I would also make a visit to the area even if you have to stay at a hotel and just suss out the child for myself even if you have to do it by distant observation.

Saxifrage Thu 02-Feb-17 17:47:01

I wonder if you have tried to get advice from any of the drug support agencies. For instance see this link.

If your daughter lives in a city there may be agencies local to her who you could talk to and ask for advice. They may have useful ideas as to anything you could do to help and at least you might get some support for yourself.

Good luck it sounds very hard.

NudeJude Sun 05-Feb-17 17:19:21

Sorry everyone, for not responding to your advice which pretty much answers another post that I made today, not realising that this post had actually worked. It seems that I must contact Social Services myself from the advice given, as I would never forgive myself if anything happened to the granddaughter who lives in the house. As for your question Devorgilla, yes she is the biological child of my daughter's ex, and I don't think he would have an qualms about taking her, other than the fact that she can be a very difficult child, determined ALWAYS to have her own way, which is why she chooses to live with her Mum, as being so besotted with this new man, she seems to have given up on disciplining her, she's already smoking and drinking alcohol, but they take the attitude 'better under our roof', I'm just afraid that they'll go that way with drugs too if she remains in their care. Also thanks for all of the links which I'm now off to investigate. Apologies for making two posts, my mistake.