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my DL

(25 Posts)
Cath9 Tue 21-Feb-17 22:27:33

Have any of your DLs been told by the medical profession that they cannot have any more children?
Last week my son mentioned that his wife was in hospital having a thorough check while under anesthetic, so stayed in hospital for a night.
She was informed, that what she already knew she suffered from, has now got much worse and she cannot have any more children. In fact they were surprised she was able to their inly child, who was very small when she was born.
At least they are thinking positive, knowing that they now understand why she is not getting firtilized.
Cath

grannypiper Wed 22-Feb-17 07:35:36

Sad news Cath9 it must be hard for all involved, at least shey have one child. flowers

NanaMacGeek Thu 23-Feb-17 00:21:37

Yes, one DGD is a miracle child (I know they are all miracles really), but DL has been told that it would be too dangerous for her to have a second one. As my son and DL were told they couldn't have children in the first place, they were completely stunned when DL was pregnant. DL had a dreadful time though and, having spent a lot of time supporting them during pregnancy, we (DH and I) fully understand why they won't/can't have another. I feel sorry for them, not expecting to have a child, they were completely uninterested in friend's children and have had an enormous shock. They are trying to do everything 'by the (current) book' and it makes for awkward visits now because we don't agree with everything they tell us they think they should be doing to assist her development. We don't want to upset them so find ourselves biting our tongues.

While our DGD is loved and cared for, she is very much in charge at 2 years of age! We don't see much of them now, we may upset DGD's routine that they are trying to establish, may upset her random mealtimes, bathtimes, bedtimes etc. DL's parents seem to be happy to just do as they are told and idolise their only DGD but we are older, have a little less energy and, as in-laws to DGD's mother, are in a different position. If they had been able to have a second child, our DGD would have had to adjust to her parents sharing time with a new baby. I'm not sure that I can cope with the little tyrant that is our DGD. I know it's not her fault.

I thought we were getting on OK with our DS and DL but once our DGD was weaned and became a toddler, we have seen less and less of them. I'm taking the advice I have seen on these forums, just keep the door open and don't rock the boat (to mix a few metaphores)!

thatbags Thu 23-Feb-17 07:11:26

Wish people'd calm down about other people's parenting. If parents are doing their best, which most are, it doesn't matter if one disagrees with their methods. Just leave them to it and stop moaning. Of course they will makes mistakes, of course they won't get everything right. Neither did we or any generation before us.

And all toddlers are little dictators. Some are pleasantly so, some aren't.

thatbags Thu 23-Feb-17 07:14:41

By calm down I really mean stop sounding as if you're complaining. Please. I ignore most of it but boy does it crop up often on Gransnet.

thatbags Thu 23-Feb-17 07:30:48

And it's nearly always mothers-in-law complaining about the methods of their daughters-in-law. Power struggle, much?

Rinouchka Thu 23-Feb-17 07:45:01

1. Having one child is so much preferable to wanting one and not being able to have any, as in my DD1's case. Cath8: be thankful for your DGD and support your DS and Dil as positively as you can.
2. So agree with you, thatbags in every aspect of your post.

Anya Thu 23-Feb-17 08:35:36

Yes, it's best to let them do things their way. My DD and my DDiL had very different ways of parenting and would often criticise the others way to me. I refused to be drawn in and both sets of grandchildren appear to be growing up quite nicely despite their parents!

rosesarered Thu 23-Feb-17 08:53:36

Yes Cath both DD and DIL cannot ( must not) have more children.Not exactly your scenario but same result.It happens a lot.Better than having no grandchildren at all though for you, and for them, well, they have a child at least.smile

rosesarered Thu 23-Feb-17 08:55:17

I think that all two year olds try and be little tyrants Cath grin

annsixty Thu 23-Feb-17 08:59:52

It is NanaMacGeek who posted about the difficult 2year old and I think she has had some very unkind replies. But then who am I to comment?

rosesarered Thu 23-Feb-17 09:18:30

Oh yes, sorry cath my last comment was to Nana smile

MawBroon Thu 23-Feb-17 09:29:23

I did wonder at the harsh turn this thread had taken, poor Cath9 you may well be feeling sad both for yourself, your DS and your DIL. However, an only child can still enjoy the company and fun of cousins and friends and nurseries and pre-schools make sure singletons can mix as easily as children from larger families. As for modern "parenting" views, how our DC bring up their children is really none of our business, (far less the children of others) Let's not look for problems where none exist.
I don't see it as a problem and at least their hopes are not being raised and dashed.
Enjoy your lovely DGD and it sounds as if you can count your blessings 👧

paddyann Thu 23-Feb-17 10:21:19

my daughter had fertility treatment for her first two children,monthly visits to the fertility clinic and prgnacies that resulted in weeks in a hospital bed.She has polycystic ovaries and was told she couldn't have anymore,a,it probably wouldn't happen and B,if it did it would be dangerous to her health/life.Her marriage broke down and she met someone else when her daughter was 3 and lo and behold she got pregnant naturally,it wasn't the easiest of pregnancies and a difficult birth but baby is now a very bright,funny and talented five year old who is adored by all .Never say never,sometimes life has a wee surprise in store

thatbags Thu 23-Feb-17 10:29:49

It's not unkind, nor is it in any way personal, to say that one thinks all toddlers are little tyrants to some degree or other. I watched my younger grandson winding his mum round his little finger on a recent visit. It doesn't mean I love him or his mum any less, nor that I think I'd 'manage' him any better. It's just the truth as I see it.

And yes, other people are perfectly free to see the truth in other ways, and to express, just as freely, their point of view. Doing that is not attacking anyone. "Turn this thread has taken" indeed.

MawBroon Thu 23-Feb-17 10:36:32

Wish people would calm down about other people's parenting
By calm down I really mean stop sounding as if you are complaining
And it's nearly always mothers-in-law complaining about the methods of their daughters-in-law. Power struggle, much?
That's what I meant by "turn this thread had taken." (Indeed.)
Poor Cath9 might have been looking for some sympathy and understanding at what may (or may not) have been disappointing news from her DIL and son.

Penstemmon Thu 23-Feb-17 11:08:15

It can be hard as a mum to watch your own DDs parenting style! I just follow their lead as they are their kidsafter all! Obviously if I thought DGCs were in anyway being harmed I would intervene..but it is just a different means to an end! They love their children, as do I, so no harm done.

Many children are very happy, well balanced and socially competent singletons and many siblings are not any happier or any more well balanced and social!
With more and more children attending day care social skills have the chance to develop there. If parents are concerned a single child misses out on those rough and tumble experiences that sibling have thre a loads of ways to fill that 'gap'.

Crafting Thu 23-Feb-17 11:38:00

I was not a perfect mum. I loved (and still do) both my children but had no experience and made many mistakes I'm sure. Looking back, I would have done some things differently but who knows how that would have turned out. Both of my children are loving parents and we have great DGC. There have been many occasions when we have thought that our DGC should have behaved differently or been better behaved but I strongly believe advice should not be given unless asked for (especially by MILs) but support should always be given. Our DGC have the best parents they could have - let yours do things their own way and enjoy your grandchild. I am so sorry they are unable to have more but how wonderful that you have one to dote on.

thatbags Thu 23-Feb-17 12:03:47

maw, none of the post of mine that you quote was aimed at cath. None of it is even connected to the OP. It was a subsequent post that provoked the reply I gave.

thatbags Thu 23-Feb-17 12:04:33

And it looks as though you agree with my general point.

NanaMacGeek Thu 23-Feb-17 14:49:14

Yes, those who chose to have a moan at me are right, I am ashamed of myself.

My DL had a terrible time when pregnant and our GD is a wonderful miracle child. My DS and DL are doing what they believe is best for her. I just don't know how to be a Nana. My three children weren't little angels and I was on the receiving end a lot of undermining advice from my parents and in-laws but that didn't stop them from commenting. We were a rowdy lot.

DS and DL are happy to be a little family. I feel sad that they don't have the choice to have more children but sincerely happy for them that they have one child.

BlueBelle Thu 23-Feb-17 15:00:20

If they truely feel they need more than one child surely adoption is a great option xx

Marydoll Thu 23-Feb-17 15:27:37

After 12 years of trying, my DS and DIL had a baby through IVF, she was born a year to the day that her mum lost a baby. They will never be able to have another baby due to genetic problems. She is indeed a miracle baby, born against all the odds after a terrible pregnancy. Of course I am sad that there will probably be no more grandchildren ( my other children are now being tested) and I don't always approve of their parenting skills (like the Ipad at the table last week). However, I just keep stumm, as I had a MIL who was always interfering. I just make sure that we are there to support them.At the moment DIL is ill in bed with flu and we are nursing DGD through an ear infection which has made her so unwell. When her temp was sky high and we couldn't get it down, I was doing the worst scenario thing, thinking, "What if it is meningitis? ". "What will we do if anything happens to her?"
I always wanted lots of grandchildren, ny husband comes from a large family, but it is not to be.

Granmary18 Fri 24-Feb-17 14:50:39

NanaMacGreek I don't think you should be ashamed of yourself. It IS hard sometimes negotiating being a grandparent ...even when trying hard to fit in with what parents want! Give yourself a bit of slack, and the parents , and as you say give space and leave the door open.

Norah Fri 24-Feb-17 17:08:50

Cath9 One of my dds had a disease of her uterus (I forget the nomenclature) that can cause fertility issues. One child is all she will ever have, she is content with one and hasn't expressed negativity. If your ds is sad or upset, my opinion is to listen and be a shoulder if he brings it up again.