very difficult time with family and grandchild living abroad

Oh sausages, as you can see, there are other gps in your situation. Also, they have found ways to bridge the distance gap. It sounds as this is fairly new for you, and you need time to find out what methods work best for you. If it has been going on for a long time, however, please seek some counseling to help you learn to cope with your feelings.

Hi, my son lives in Canada and i have a 6 month old grandson I've never met although i skype once a month. I am going to visit in May for three weeks. Are you able to travel to visit your family sometimes? It will give you something to look forward to. I am hoping to visit every other year and they are hoping to visit the other years. Could you do something like that?

Hello sausages123, just to add that I too understand how you feel as I sometimes feel angry and depressed about my son and grandchildren living far away. I am SO envious of others who have family nearby as we have no-one where we live. I find it ever harder having grown up in a big family and always with relatives around. For me, some of the anger is about fear of being alone in my (soon to be) old age and finding it harder and harder to cope. However I guess we just have to accept what life brings and I keep reminding myself that I've been very lucky in the past. DS's family is also very happy and settled and living abroad is definitely right for them. The advice about keeping busy is very true - not easy to do I think - nor is it easy making new friends. I also try to visit my family in north America as many times as I can afford to as the grandchildren are very young. This won't last for ever but if you can, do the same. Best of luck and yes, Gransnet does help too!

Sorry to hear your feeling sad, my youngest DD and 2 GC live in Australia. It broke my heart when she first went shamefully I didn't deal with it well and told her how upset I was. 6 years down the line I've been out to see them 4 times. We FaceTime every 10 days, we watch each other open birthday/ Christmas presents etc. Of course it's not the same but they have a wonderful life out there and I've learned to accept that. For the first time in 6 years they are hoping to come home for 6 weeks this summer and I'm going out there for Christmas, so all is not that bad. However I do have a busy life myself,part time job,hobbies etc, so that is important and has helped me immensely.

Hi Sausages. You are all over the place with your emotions at the moment and understandably so. I have a son and daughter abroad (one in Spain, the other in US). I cant help but get a bit ratty with other people who complain that their DC are "50 miles away". If only. Even Europe is not far and you can get there in a day. It's totally different having DC in Australia, NZ or US. I'm not a great fan of Skype either. It's like people coming to your house and staying in the car to talk to you !! Nevertheless, I am hugely proud of my 'abroad' children and know they have great lives.

I think that many of us invest too much of our own lives into that of our children. When that happens and there is a separation, the effect can be devastating. Fortunately, there is FaceTime, Skype etc. but you also sound lonely, which can lead to depression. So, depending on your finances and as some here have suggested, the best remedy is to engage in new activities so you keep yourself and your mind happily occupied.

You could enroll in Yoga, Art, Cooking, Sewing classes or any other hobby that you fancy. Charitable organizations are always looking for volunteers. If you are active try ballroom dancing or golf. There are also writer's clubs, gardening clubs, Chess, music clubs, book clubs, movies etc, groups for animal lovers and so much more (you can find local chapters on line). In today's world travel is also much cheaper and easier. Go on a cruise, visit a city you've never been and depending on how far away your loved ones have moved to, perhaps you'll find the time to visit them at least once every year?

Hi sausages I feel your pain and I am sorry to hear how lonely and depressed you are feeling I don't have children living abroad but my son moved to Lincoln several years ago with his partner and i felt desperately lonely but couldn't tell my husband or daughter because they would just tell me to get over it and my husband was sad as well as they loved talking about footie but.we used to FaceTime once a week and talk on the phone ,I used to live for his home visits thank god after 7 years they split up and became and he came back down south ,but I don't know how old you are but because I love children I started doing volunteering for Homestart who befriend young families who have got no relations near by and need a bit of help with their children and cooking skills,you can do as little as one afternoon a week or more if you are able .if you fancy this just look up Homestart I think they are all over the place.Hope you feel a bit better soon.xx?????

Welcome to gransnet sausage my family live within visiting distance so I don't know really how you feel but there as been some really good ideas and suggestions on here hope they help you but see your gp if you are depressed ?

Dear Sausages, I am so sorry you are having a difficult time and really feel for you. My only GC is not in another country but is still a very long way away - and I have found it really hard over several years to cope with the fact that my daughter and her husband have settled permanently near the other grandparents.These have sometimes, I feel, been possessive and controlling; and have on occasion actively excluded me and my partner from helping out when help was badly needed.

What is now improving matters is that GC is now old enough to carry on a conversation over the phone every week at a pre-arranged time. I still haven't got Skype/equivalent - shame on me! but, now she is learning to read and write, I send her handwritten notes and tiny little surprise presents, and during the few times of the year when it is possible to be together the two of us do ordinary things like cooking or gardening - which she likes - as well as activities involving her parents.It was a great joy for me that she asked me last time I saw her if we could on her next visit make the same sort of cake we did the previous year; and she now tells me about her friends and other things that are important to her - so I feel we are building a relationship in spite of the distance.
Joining various groups/the W.I./ going to day classes and volunteering all help on a day to day basis. Have you thought about being an independent visitor, giving a few hours of your time a month to a child in care who may have no-one other than those paid to look after him/her, and would like to be supported in the pursuit of a particular interest? You do need to have your own transport, though.I did something similar with the Prince's Trust, and was told I had made a lot of difference to a young person's self confidence over a six month period. It broke my heart to hear from him that he could not believe anyone would do anything for him if they were not paid....

Good luck, and take care of yourself, whatever you decide. We empathise - and are all rooting for you!

Hi sausages (love the name!).

I am sorry you are so sad but it's only natural. You don't mention a partner so maybe you are on your own, which must make it worse. The way this country is going is only going to make the problem more commonplace I fear.

My sister has a daughter plus her only grandchildren in Australia and has found that by using the Tiscali phone and broadband provider she can get free phone calls to one overseas country so she has opted for Australia and talks to her daughter regularly.

Have you considered going to live where your close family have moved to? I have cousins who did this when they retired because they know that their children will never return to the UK. They found it very hard at first to learn another language, etc but they are pleased to be near their children and grandchildren.

Give yourself time to adjust to the new situation and see if you can find new interests and meet new people.

I hope this helps.

So many families are separated these days for many reasons. I watched as both our children went off to Univercity at the start of their adult lives, they made many friends and both married partners from abroad.

I find keeping in touch easier now than when daughter first moved abroad 15 years ago, facebook, Whats app, Skype all make for instant news and contact, whereas 15 years ago it was an expensive landline call once a week.

I do not think the distance stops me being a caring Grandparent, I get quality time twice a year, they usually come to visit us each summer for a couple of weeks and I go to stay with them once a year. My airfare is my priority spend in a year and we joke all our holidays are decided by where in the world our children are. We do usually manage a week in the UK as our holiday.

For the rest of the time since I retired I have voluntary work and keep busy. I hope you find that you are not alone and that there are many of us who are learning to live with a situation that we would never choose.

So sorry sausage, quite understand your feelings. The other ladies who have their children in other countries have managed to make a life and to Skype and plan visits to see them. Just because some of us have children that live close it doesnt always follow you will see a lot of them, certainly not in my case anyway. Just keep busy and those in the same position as yourself will lift your spirits.

oops!7 should be &!...coffee not coffe..ha ha!!

Sausages..welcome to gnet..I truly feel for you...be positive if you possibly can..get out 7 make friends..& a new life for yourself...Which Is what I myself must try to do..as an only child I've often felt alone...Where abouts are you living?...you'd be so welcome to come 7 have a coffe & a chat somewhere with me!..xx

Hi there I first joined gransnet after my daughter and grandchildren moved abroad, I found it a great comfort to know I was not alone. However so many of the posters are brave,"we gave them wings to fly" etc, you can feel a bit depressed if you are not coping. Yes I was angry, we had been a family for many years and now when we are old they will not be part of that mutual support, I also felt a grief which was overwhelming. I miss being part of their young lives and at first it was hard to hear about other peoples grandchildren. I think you have to allow yourself these thoughts for a while but I promise you it does get better. I already had good friends and activities, but I have found more. we are actually moving house to be nearer the rest of the family, we have had to restructure our lives and have found some positives to the situation.I do however know right now how you are feeling !!!

Hi Sausages123 I'm not in a similar situation, but just wanted to say 'hi' and welcome to Gransnet - a great site with interesting threads and a lot of members that will be able to relate to your circumstances. Depression and lonliness are buggers and I hope you are able to find something to help you cope better. You should feel proud that you've raised independent and confident kids. Hobbies, charity/voluntary work or support groups might be worth looking into. I hope you find some support and empathy here and that life feels better soon. Best wishes

An explanation of the U3A. There are NO exams unless you want them. There are hundreds of subjects you could study and things to make and do. There are people who come and give talks, they have lunch parties, there is usually one in every town in UK. It does not cost an arm and a leg and is within the reach of most people.

These clubs are very popular and you can make a lot of friends who will help you through difficult times.

u3asites.org.uk/files/c/chardilminster/docs/frequentlyaskedquestions.pdf

I can fully understand the feelings of loss and grief you are experiencing. Ten years ago my daughter and husband decided to move abroad taking with them my 2 grandsons then aged 3 and 5. I had looked after the boys 2 days a week and they stayed with me on Saturday nights. Those Saturday nights were the hardest. I felt as though my arms ached to hold them. Gradually I pulled myself together and became a volunteer for Homestart. The best thing I have ever done. Visiting parents who weren't coping and offering advice and sometimes just company fulfilled a need to nurture. Through Homestart's training sessions and meetings I got to know other volunteers some of them now friends. It does get better.

Things to do in Retirement

U3A (University of the third age)

Knitting/Sewing circles

WI

Gardening volunteers

Volunteers in Charity Shops

Church

Over 60+ Social Clubs

Caravan Club

SAGA Clubs

www.retirementexpert.co.uk/retirementclubs.html

Not too far away, see below:

www.bbc.co.uk/news/business-38280722

There are even faster aircraft all but ready in the wings.

Times change. The world is shrinking.

Sending BIG HUGS so you know you are not alone.

Welcome sausages, DD and 3 GC still on this island but as far from us as possible. So much good advice here, arrange a visit if you can soon. U3A great

Grief is the price we pay for loving. If you have had multiple bereavements then anger is a part of that grieving process and will settle in time. It is hell to go through.

The other bit of the kids living away is hard too, and a sort of bereavement becuse you had a template of the sort of gran you would be and our memories go ahead of us as well as behind.

Re-jig that template. Send silly gifts and write stories for the child, send him little letters, keep Skype going...........nothing on earth can stop you loving and being loved.

I have had some of those issues, it is tough but it is normal. The very thing I like about this site is however extreme we think our own goings on are, we can see here that it is all normal, we are not alone.

You will find company here, new perspectives and advice. Treat yourself like another person you are caring for, make sure you eat well and get out a bit, meet new people.

I wish you well, I wish us all well, we all have problems to share here.

Don't kid yourself that nobody understands. I had 6 years of my son living in Australia, I missed the birth of my first Grandson too. I understand. The thing is it doesn't do to wallow in self-pity. Get Skype or similar, then at least you will be able to watch them grow. It is the future of their children the parents wanted to secure. I know it is lonely but you can sit in your chair and feel sorry for yourself, OR you can do something to help yourself, as I did, and find something to occupy your spare time. I took up painting and I find it very soothing. Who knows, it may not be forever. My son is now in UK thank goodness, but I do understand how you feel, I had 6 years to cope with separation, you just have to accept it has happened and move on.

I have been living alone for ten years now and was lonely for a time. My two sons and grand children are 30 miles away. Although not a great distance, too far to just call in. Having always been a dog owner, I decided to give a home to a 16 week old puppy who had already had 4 homes in his young life. A big boisterous breed and everyone thought I had gone a bit crazy. I was 68 at the time and not in very good health. He is 2 years old now and settled down greatly. He is a companion, a friend, someone to cuddle and keeps me safe. Now I never feel lonely. I then got him a tiny companion, A chiwawa boy and they are totally in love with each other. I don't even need the tv now, as they keep me so occupied. Not everyone's cup of tea, but sorted my loneliness out a treat. You just have to try and find something to fill that empty space in your life. Just keep looking for something that makes you happy and go for it. Good luck to you and hope you feel brighter soon.

[ flowers ] = flowers but no spaces