very difficult time with family and grandchild living abroad

Dear Sausages123, the Gransnetters here have offered lots of good advice and I can only support this. Twenty years ago our DS (& only child) and our DiL, went to work in California - and have made it their home. Then along came our DGD (12) and DGS (10) - who are very American! Yes, it's been hard, but I keep my own life busy and happy, so that I don't "dwell" on things. (They don't come to the UK often, but DH and I have been lucky enough to make the 5000 mile journey almost annually - making it clear that we're spending their inheritance!) Like others here, I keep my sadness to myself and use Skype and other forms of modern communications to keep in touch. It has got easier to bear, but they're always on my mind.

I think you are wrong when you say it is not a common problem sausages. Most families, I know, have at least one family member living abroad. My sister has lived abroad since the 60s and DD moved to Europe 7 years ago.
I brought DC up to be independent and that is what they are.

Hello! I'm fairly new to this site as well and in the same situation. I have two young granddaughters living in Spain. I was devastated when the family moved there a year ago as I was and still am very close to them. (My other grandchild also lives about 150 miles away!) However I've been to visit several times now and they are settled and very happy there. It's a wonderful life for them and the visits really help. I'm retired and live on my own and have often felt very lonely as I have no other relatives that live any where nearby. Friends help, I make a point of trying to meet them for lunch or a film etc at least once a week. I feel for you but it's important to try and keep positive. Not always easy I know!

Hi Sausages123, welcome to Gransnet. I've found there's a wealth of hugs, help and advice on here as well as friendship and sometimes the chance to meet up if that's what you'd like. Many GNers have family living a distance away, some in the UK and some abroad, as you can see. You are never alone with Gransnet!

When you get to read other discussions, you'll find that even when family lives nearby, it's not without its problems.

Treat yourself kindly and do keep in touch. Sending to cheer you.

Sausages When you have family living abroad it is normal to be upset that you cannot see them as much as if they were living near you or in the same country as yourself.
Are you angry with yourself because of your feelings they have 'deserted'you?.My situation is of a similar nature
I won't go into detail but be assured I have many times felt like you.
Try and involve yourself in hobbies, get out and meet people Hard I know but you are not alone if this is of any consolation Just keep chatting to us and please don't hold back on your feelings just have a good old rant we are all here to listen.

Sorry for your situation. I agree with ilovecheese, all those seemingly little things like hobbies and small treats can add up to quite a lot of comfort. They help the time to pass and keep you occupied and therefore take your mind off the bad stuff.
Have you any hobbies which you can share with others in a club situation? Then you'd make friends with those who share the same interests. This is a real help if you're shy as it gives you common ground to start off with when it comes to starting conversations. please don't despair.

My daughter and her family live about 50 miles away, which of course is nothing by comparison to my sons partners daughter who lives in New Zealand with husband and new baby, and to others on here. However my daughter leads a very busy life and meeting up is a bit hit and miss!! I do miss not seeing more of them particularly my 10 year old grandson who is is such a lovely little boy. We keep in touch of course, and when my elder granddaughter was very small I used to send her bits and pieces through the post, and she would respond by sending me odds and ends!!
At the moment I am laid up with a broken hip after a fall (silly old fool!!) and wishing they lived closer!! But as my late mother used to say, 'if you love them, you must let them go'. Their happiness and well being is all important, and I find that a source of contentment. to cheer you up!!

It's so hard to let your children go but as everyone says we raise them to be independent and should be pleased when they make a success of doing so. I'm another whose youngest son emigrated to NZ 3.5 years ago when his wife was 5 months pregnant with their first child. She wanted to go home to her family which was totally understandable and in some ways was a relief knowing they would have the support of all those people they wouldn't have had living 200 miles away from us. The tears and sadness that I (and his dad) felt were kept well hidden as the time approached for them to go and yes - we did feel angry too in some respects that he could even contemplate taking our grandchild away before he was even born. It's not been easy - our other son lives 2 hours away having moved when our granddaughters were 8 & 5 so we are completely on our own too and also lost all 4 parents in the space of 2 years. The only way to get through it is to keep busy - be that with work, hobbies or joining something which interests you. We are lucky that we have Skype and FaceTime and though not in contact too often due to work commitments do manage to talk once a month or so. We have been out there to visit once after their second son was born and joy of joys they are coming home for Christmas this year for 6 weeks. I know it's been hard for him as he has been homesick at times but in reality they have a much better life over there than they would have had where they lived which he acknowledges. I hope you find some solace in the replies you've had and don't feel quite so isolated - losing so many people in such a short space of time takes it's toll and coupled with no one around to share the pain it's no wonder you feel so alone. I joined GN for just the same reason as you and have found it a great help to share feelings and thoughts with other like minded folks.

sausages Sending healing hugs to you!

I hope you have some time now to volunteer and get involved in activities that will surely help others and yourself. Being needed is very important!

Another one here Sausages - there are dozens of us! 17 years ago my middle daughter at 20 travelled to Australia with her 2 sisters, met her husband and stayed (the others returned). She has made her life there and produced 4 wonderful children; she and I are closer than ever. I am in the fortunate position of being able to visit annually and they have been 'home' 4 or 5 times. We talk on FaceTime frequently and I feel part of their lives. My other 2 daughters live 500 miles away and I probably see them as often/little as DD2. Since being widowed, life is lonely but you make of it what you can. I am about to up sticks and move nearer my UK daughters and am relishing the opportunity of starting Part Three of my life, surrounded by family and hopefully new friends.

Sausage I feel your sorrow but! many years ago when I was in the depths of despair someone had said to me 'there is only one way to go when your down and that is up' I found it difficult when I first retired to find a new life But and there is that 'but' again, through someone mentioning the U3A and nearly every area as one there is a fulfilling life with new friends to be made. I cannot believe in my retirement years, my life is the best it as ever been. I love the freedom of retirement the freedom of ties the freedom having to be responsible for someone else's life. Sounds selfish and it is selfish but my boys are happy and living their lives just as we did when we were young. It will get better sausage honest

So sorry to hear about all your losses. Can you plan to visit them? I have a friend who visits DD almost every year for a few months. She has DS and family here too so won't emigrate. Now she has her own friends out there and it has really given her a new lease of life. A long visit is something to look forward to as well as picking up your life here.

Hello Sausages and welcome. I am sure there are many grans here who share your situation and who can offer good advice.

I just wanted to say that you will not be alone in your dismay.

My children have not moved abroad so I can't know how you are feeling but... having seen a few episodes of a programme where families shoot off on an expenses-paid trip to Australia to see if they like it - or not - and their families do a piece to camera saying 'well, we'll miss you but we want the best for you' etc.... I just don't understand. Of course I wish the best for my family but I would be bawling at the camera shouting 'no, don't go!'. I feel that sometimes the programme is engineered to exploit families at the expense of some members.

I guess I am probably in a minority but I can absolutely understand why you feel so upset, angry and possibly depressed.

If it's likely that your family will remain abroad, please accept the wonderful advice in these forums and make a different life for yourself.

Regards

I too have children and grandchildren living in The US and Oz, over the passed 18 years since the first daughter emigrated to the U.S with my DGC who are now adults, I have felt just like you sausages 123, I have lost friends because I was so angry and depressed when the youngest emigrated to OZ 10 years ago, and had my 2 younger DGC.
I have no other children, so it was a Hugh loss and I have had counselling to help me accept it is the way it is.
I have joined a gym, learning to dance (ballroom&) Latin). I scrapbook and put all my memories of my visits in to them .
I know others whoa re not in our situation don't understand, but. How can they? I accept that now and just talk to people who do.
My husband and Ido dog sitting, so our home is always busy with them and helps me feel less lonely.
I don't cry now as much as I used to, but still feel a tad envious when I hear other grandparents mention that they share babysitting duties. Ect. But some say they are totally exhausted at the end lol.
And I get 2/3 weeks a year of uninterrupted fun with my grandchildren when I visit.
Hopefully it will be longer and more often inlater years

I know it is very painful.... (though thinking about it, I am not angry at all). My older son and family are far too busy for me, and my younger son is in Oz. Australian missus, and 3 children whom I hardly know. Truly, I ache to meet the baby who is now 15 months old and walking, but my sons are happy, and that is the main thing.
In retrospect, obviously it was a big mistake to encourage them to be quite so self-reliant and independent.
On the positive side, I thank the Lord for face-time/skype and whatever other technology wonders, that allow me to speak to them all with an image on a screen.
And I fill my time so I avoid sitting around thinking about it much.

I to am in this situation and realise how hard it is to be positive. My son and his wife moved to the USA 10 years ago and have since had 3 daughters, identical twins of 5 and a new baby born 2 weeks ago. When the new arrival was born it seemed so remote and we will not be seeing her until the summer. For me Skype is no substitute for physical contact. It is very hard not to be able to be part of their everyday lives. My other son lives in Scotland, 800 miles away. He only has one son of 6 who was brain damaged at birth and is very seriously disabled. They are not going to have any more children bacause of their bad experience with the birth of their son and the events since. My only daughter has now decided she is gay, so no chance of any Grandchildren there. So, yes I do find it very hard to keep ositive!

I too am in the same situation, daughter and son-in-law move to the States over 15 years ago. It's tough, we see them at the most twice a year. They have a fabulous lifestyle, but I do sympathise with you. We can't move there as I have health issues. It's the time zones I can't stand, as they are 8 hours behind us. As I wrote you have my sympathy, it's tough.

I live over 300 miles away from my daughter and grandchildren which is hard and for various reasons I've not been able to visit them for over a year. They have never visited me in 8 years due to them being busy.
I decided I could sit at home and feel sorry for myself or do something to meet people. I volunteered, joined the WI ( honestly not scary ) and go to a book group. I've made some good friends who I also see away from those things , it can get better, it's you that has to make the change to a less lonely life. You will be pleased you did - go out today .

Hi there, it must be hard for you. Although my children and grandchildren are all in the UK, physical contact can be difficult if it involves long journeys. A step-daughter is abroad. We have a family What's App so can keep up with each other's events. There's Skype and FaceTime.
When I moved to a new area I asked at a primary school if they needed help listening to readers. I quickly became involved and eventually was asked to be a school governor, I'm still there12 years later! You can choose how much involvement you have. I think doing something positive helps. Hope it helps you.

Sausages Give yourself a pat on the back for raising a child who has the confidence to go out into the world and start a new life,keep posting and joining in other conversations here and you will make some lovely new friends to chat with.

Join the club Sausages. Dd1 lives abroad at a reachable ,affordable distance. At the moment she has Been made a job offer in the States. She did tell me when she moved from New York 12 years ago that I was to tell her never to move house across the Atlantic again. I'm not sure I agree with Absent - a little self pity is ok and then a pick me up dust me down gin and tonic does help. I have one daughter and family nearer in Yorkshire and she's a wonderful daughter but we give them roots and wings. That's our job.

Hello Sausages my son went to NZ 20 years ago and never came home he has two children who I love but don't know very well I ve only met them about 5 times so I can never 'really' know them or have a close relationship My youngest daughter lives in Europe and I see them about twice a year but it's always me going to her never the other way round I go and collect my three grandkids for a holiday with me every summer and then take them back after a couple of weeks and usually go over to them around December to give them presents so know them better I m lucky to have one daughter and two grandchildren nearby
I can relate to the down feeling too my Mum Dad and job all went the same year
I was in a huge black bubble that I have climbed out of with voluntary work, hobbies and friends
My only advice is be interested in others, do something for those that have less than you, try and join something and keep talking
Good luck and keep going you ll get there ?

My daughter went off to New Zealand when she was 17. She had broken up with her kiwi boyfriend who had flown home from the UK as a result, and then she had terribly regretted it. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to watch her walk through the gate at Heathrow, knowing in my heart that she would never return to the UK to live and would probably make a young marriage that would go pear-shaped. I was, incidentally, right on both counts, but a lovely son, now 15. also happened.

In between times, I cared for an increasingly frail mother in my home who eventually died at the age of 92. I witnessed the final illnesses and deaths of many I loved and was abandoned by my sister (as was my daughter).

Meanwhile, absentdaughter divorced her husband – a process involving many late-at-night conversations with me – and later re-married. She had more babies and I visited or paid for her and some family members to visit me as often as practical.

Yes – I missed her. Did I regret letting her go? No, never. I taught her to fly so why would I clip her wings? She established a wonderful life which continues to be glorious. Did we stop being close? Did we hell? My friends used to joke that you couldn't push a cigarette paper between our closeness however many thousand miles apart we lived.

It happens that I have been able to emigrate to NZ, although only with the support of absentdaughter and my son-in-law. (I'm too old to be considered other than as a family member.) I love being here, but if I hadn't been able to move here – and it was touch and go because of Mr absent's boring health issues – I would still have been a major part of my daughter's life, my son-in-law's life and the lives of my grandchildren and they would all have been a major part of mine. The connections go back to when she was born, the ties are historical and the love is forever.

Always avoid self-pity.

I was at the other end of the problem. I was the grandchild living here with granny living abroad. Back then we kept in touch through the odd letter written by my mother and later the occasional phone call. We actually met when I went to visit for holidays with my parents. The holidays were very infrequent but somehow we had a really good relationship.
Not perfect I know, but I wish you well and hope you build a good relationship with your grandchildren too.

My oldest child moved to America fifteen years ago and I doubt will ever return to the UK as he has an American wife and children and they are well settled. We've had some amazing holidays with them and they come to us too. Their next visit is this summer and I'm busy planning that, and how to ensure they get to see as many family members possible. Our times together aren't frequent but they are intense and we keep in close touch via Skype etc.

My other son lives at the other end of the UK from us, as well, with our third grandchild and a fourth on the way. We manage to see them quite often and went on holiday with them last year.

I have one daughter a couple of hours away and another is still a student and is nearby which helps keep me busy, too.

Do you have any family close by at all, Sausages? If not, is moving closer to your family abroad a possibility?