Am I wrong to be slighty appalled at DIL

I agree with M0nica, I'm with the DIL on this and I feel kind of sad on her behalf that she came to you looking for emotional support and you felt you had to come here trashing her. I would have advised her to go to her dad if he is still alive, she and her brother have every reason to be angry.

I am wondering about this. Was this something that was agreed on by both parents before she actually got the house? If there,s nothing legally in writing then I don,t see how it could have been enforced anyway even on death. This is why you should make a will if you want someone to inherit. .Lots of things can happen to people and their circumstances along the way. Maybe at the time her mother said this she wanted her son and daughter to inherit it. However she has now made a new life for herself and her new husband and should be able to do so. I think the DiL is suffering from what might have been if her and her brother had inherited. People should be allowed to spend their own money how they see fit. If you don,t expect things in life ,then you,re not disappointed if you don,t get them.

What a warped sense of entitlement! I wasn't aware that we (parents of adult children) are not allowed to decide what we want to leave our children or how much!
Unless there is a will left by either parent upon demise, all assets become the property of the surviving spouse. It is up to the surviving spouse (DIL's mother) whether or not to leave anything of her own estate to her daughter by way of a will. It could be a favorite necklace or half of the house, but she has to put it in writing. Otherwise, her current spouse is entitled to everything she has.

Many women do silly things to ensure they have a man around, even if they are intelligent and it does sound as though this might be the case. Selling one house is expensive enough but to sell two in a relatively short time seems positively stupid.
I know they shouldn't but children do work out what their parents maybe worth. I can sort of understand her resentment. Wonder what her brother thinks.

This is the type of thing that comes up regularly on another site - moneysavingexpert forums.

Your DIL had expectations of an inheritance, and feels cheated.

First, an inheritance only becomes available when someone has died. Your DIL's mum is alive and kicking, remarried, getting on with her life and using her assets as she sees fit. She got the house as part of the divorce settlement - well, then, she had every right to do with it as she chose. Keep it, sell it, no one else has any say in the matter.

It reminds me of when we did an equity release (lifetime) mortgage. The conveyancer who handled it had a check-list to complete, and one of his questions was whether we had told close family members because it could reduce any inheritance they might have been expecting. In fact, they weren't. 'It's your money, do what you want with it'. Which is how your DIL should have reacted. Her mum's financial affairs are nowt to do with her!

I think there is a big difference between some of the scenarios described here. I too, was happy for my parents to spend their hard-earned money as they wished, and our children have told us the same!

If, however, any sort of divorce / property division or similar scenario had been arranged with the express wish of leaving me something, I would be very upset if the 'custodian' ignored that wish. Of course someone should have taken legal advice to ensure it, but that wouldn't stop the sense of betrayal.

That to my mind,is completely different from generally expecting an inheritance. The original implication is that the young woman was told what to expect, and her mother has ignored that (of course we don't know the exact truth)

When I divorced and had to sell our large house to downsize (and move 150 miles away !) and bought another house I always told my daughter that it might /might/ be hers one day when I died. That is, at that time I said unless the house has to be sold to pay for my care when I am ancient. She always told me when she was young (as in teenager) that she wasn't going to look after me (!) ....we used to laugh about it ! However circumstances change and I remarried and moved to firstly Spain, and then France. In both countries the law is different as regards inheritance, in that children inherit automatically ...slightly complicated where step children are involved. We have Wills that leave the house to the surviving partner and then to the children ....but if I die first only his daughter inherits, and vice versa, she has told us she does not want to inherit in which case she has to give her decision in writing to a Notaire. My daughter has not spoken to me for ten years ,,,,she came to see us in our first house in France, a large old house we renovated ..and promptly declared 'I have come to see my inheritance' (!) ....we moved to a much much smaller bungalow ..luckily, as we both had health problems ,,my husband is now 84 and diagnosed with Parkinsons disease which makes even staying here difficult but he will not consider an apartment ! When my daughter came to see this house just over the 10 years ago, she was very disappointed and declared it was nothing more than a bed sit (it is a 3 bed detached bungalow with a large (by UK standards !) garden a conservatory, etc etc but not worth as much as the big one, and now not worth even what we paid for the land to have it built on due to the property slump here ....so, having decided we have no money to leave or to spend on her anymore (I used to send her money, pay for things, holidays, etc etc )
she evidently decided that she did not want anything more to do with us !

My dead DAd on the other hand, sold the family home after my mum died, rented a retirement flat, and said to my brother and I ' I will put the money into a bond at the Bank and you have half each; ...we told him we both owned our own homes, and that he was to spend the money and be happy and enjoy it ! bless him ...so he did ...he had lovely holidays, new furniture for his flat, etc etc and we were pleased for him ....and also at the end of the day when everything was paid we both even had a small inheritance ,which was unexpected and really good as I was by then a single parent and managed to pay for driving lessons for my daughter, buy a small car for her and even have a holiday I Turkey ,,,and pay off some small debts ! My brother chose to go to Myanmar, India and Cuba in pursuit of his passion for ancient steam trains .....and we remember our dad with gratitude and thanks and the pleasure of knowing he spent his money and had a good time bless him !

I think it is ungrateful of children to expect anything ..like op's have asked, why do children have this expectation of an inheritance nowadays ? maybe its the Thatcher era of 'money cascading down the generations' or just a general feeling of entitlement ? sad !

Her mother is still ALIVE and having a good time. I have never heard of a divorce finance settlement that ties someone into leaving property to children.

Unless there is cruelty or financial abuse of her mother going on, and I would hedge a bet its just a desire by DiL to have the money from the property herself, I would say its none of the DiL business if her mother downsizes.

It's a second marriage for me and hubby. We have wills leaving everthing to each other and when the last one dies anything left will be split between both sets of children. Though all have been told it is our money and they will inherit if there is anything left.

If DIL father is still alive then he is the one to be consulted.Otherwise DIL should speak to her own mother. .
Inlaws should not be burdened with or take sides in anothers financial arrangements unless it affects them.

My DH & his ex-wife still owned the family home although she had moved out & remarried. When we made our wills (before DH had a serious operation) my DH was advised to arrange with his ex to have ownership of property changed from Joint Tenants to Tenants in Common.

My DH left his half of the property to me & if I pre-deceased him to my DD. His DD & S would not inherit any-thing which they were informed of. This was on the basis that ex-wife had inherited from her own parents & her new DH had no children so they would be well cared for. A letter was left with his will explaining this.

I am now in a much smaller property which I own & my DD will inherit this.

I agree with others, the DiL may well be feeling more about the loss of her parents marriage than any inheritance & placing blame on S-F as she doesn't like him. In your position I would let her "blow off steam" & not comment

It seems a common theme on one of the Facebook pages I am on that adult children think their parent/parents should not spend anything at all when they retire but save it up for the children to have when they die. I have read some quite heart rending accounts of parents being made to feel so guilty for daring to use even a small amount of their money for pleasure. If there is nothing in writing then your d-i-l will only get whatever is left to her in her mum's Will unless she can prove she has paid in a regular amount to maintain/pay for the property. They sound as if they are downsizing to release Equity rather than pay debts. If her father is still living perhaps she should check with him about conditions on having the house? Does she expect to benefit from the death of her father in a similar way? If so she might want to check what his intentions are now he has a new partner, likewise her step parent might well have the legal right to remain in the property until his death if he lives longer than her Mum does.

I agree with PEEP what will happen when they have downsized to a one bedroom property and can downsize no further to clear any debts!!! No wonder the poor girl is worried, i would be too.

My mother and stepfather were together for thirty years and I was close to him and his three children. Within a year of my mother's death he had remarried and within a year of that he died. I was upset that he had remarried so quickly but had not fallen out with him. I presume all his money went to his new wife and/or his children. I certainly got nothing. I'm not any worse off, what you don't have you don't miss. Give your DiL a listening ear but don't take sides. She needs to clarify things with her dad.

Stay well out of this. You only have daughter in law's view. Who knows what went on in the marriage that caused the divorce. Sorry inheritance is gradually diminishing as are dIL expectations but it's the mother's business. She's probably taking opportunity to have a good life after a miserable one. Absolutely no business of DIL's as it will be none of her mother's business what DIL does with her money.

Please don't be appalled, your DIL is confused and trying to understand a complicated situation which is about a whole lot more than money. I was once that girl - my mum died when I was 24 and my dad remarried a year later to a lovely lady who made him very happy until he also died 15years later. This happened 25years ago and sadly I have not had a relationship with my step mother since then but that was not due to greed, more to do with me not accepting the loss of my family and desperately needing support to deal with it. Life is complicated and money makes it worse.

I feel very sorry for the DIL as it's very hard for youngsters these days to survive financially, much less gather enough capital for house deposits and so on and it was initially both of her parents' money. That the step father is encouraging the woman's mother to fritter capital on lifestyle must be even more galling.

Sorry - 25 not 2!

I don't agree that one's own children should always come first. if my husband dies before me (God forbid) I will divide the inheritance equally between all our children. marriage means sharing. Even if stepchildren are adults when you get married I do think you should take on some sense of responsibility towards them.
MOnica Not that exceptional - my parents both died before I was 2 too.

Only you know your DiL well enough to know how this fits with her personality generally. Inheritance / money are often 'signifiers' for relationships and love.

So I think that if you normally get on well, and like her, then see this as a rant about 'betrayal' rather than greed. I can't see any point in her talking to her father, unless to clarify what he meant. He may feel betrayed as well, having meant the house to be an inheritance (in which case he should have tied it up legally). Or it may have been part of a perfectly just settlement.

I do think situations like this are somewhat different to those where one's own parents spend their own money as they wish. It would appear that this young woman was given to understand that half of the house would be her inheritance, even though no steps were taken to ensure it.

From these forums we learn a lot about the wisdom of being careful with inheritance, money etc as many of us have tales to tell of poor or absent legal advice and subsequent 'betrayal'.

I agree with Monica. It is wrong for parents to commit to something so significant and then backtrack. Second marriages that result in DCs missing out on their inheritance are often mentioned on Mumsnet. Surely ones own children should always come first?

If this lady has remarried and leaves no will, it is likely the second husband will get everything!!If someone wants to downsize and go on holiday with the profit that is their business.

When people comment they are 'given' a (whole) house as part of a divorce settlement that is not usually factually true as it was probably half theirs in the first place. If the other half is given as part of the settlement then the whole lot becomes theirs to do with as they please. Often a judge will deem to award more than half in the mother's favour if there are two children involved so that makes an even less share the dad could 'promise' to your DIL anyway.

She could look at it like this as it was only the father who made the promise-If your DIL is lucky enough to inherit any property from her mother, even with the downsizing, it is likely to be worth as much as her father's share of the original house.

I don't really think this is about inheritance, much more about the pain even adult children go through when parents divorce. Your DIL is focussing on the house because it symbolises what she has lost. She expected her mother and father to stay together, but they didn't, she then saw her mother safely in the family home and expected her to stay there and to hand the property on your DIL and her brother. Her mum didn't she introduced a new stepfather and sold the property. She now sees her mum settling into a life of debt which she worries about.
She has focussed on the house because it is easier to talk about the financial losses than the emotional loss she has suffered and the worries she has about the future. Just listen and be there for her. She doesn't seem to have very much parental support.

The DIL is not being fair to her Mother, surely it is up to her to do what she see fit with the house now that the children are grown up.

Just dont take sides or get drawn into a huge family feud!

Stay out of it for sure but I do have some sympathy.

After my parents divorced when I was a teenager my Dad ( my Mum was the one who left) married a woman only 5 years older than me. I am an only child.
I never much liked his wife but we got on OK. When he died he left everything to her- house- the lot & I got his Timex watch!

I'm not grasping but I was getting divorced myself at this time with 2 children to support & a little cash would have made a huge difference.

I wonder what will happen if she goes before I do but I suspect that her God-children will get it all. My own sons & GC will not get a look in I suspect.
I know it is only money but it hurt me a lot at the time.

Cut her some slack & be a friend to her. I think it s hurtful that your parent thinks so little of you rather than money grabbing