Am I wrong to be slighty appalled at DIL

Couldn't agree more, ethelwulf. My mother worked hard and saved all her life, She wanted to leave everything to me and my brother because she had never inherited anything. I so wish that she had 'squandered' it on travelling the world. Now, she is in an advanced state of dementia and paying over £900 per week in nursing home fees. Yes, it would be nice to inherit something, but I'd give anything just to have her back for an hour.

I just think that it is important that the OP does not judge her DIL too harshly - she is only human and, if she had been told that this is what would be happening and she does not get on with her stepfather, there is more than money at stake here, but also her emotions. Try and stay good pals with her and cut her a bit of slack.

What a greedy wom DIL is! I 'expect' nothing from my mum, anything I do get will be a gift and a bonus. As for our daughter, she is constantly urging her dad and me to spend and enjoy what she says is OUR money, rather than squirrelling it away to leave to her.

Inheritance is not a 'right' Whatever somebody may choose to leave you is in fact a bonus left to you at their discretion.

Anyone who makes assumptions about what they may or may not inherit from relatives, despite what may have been said in the past, is deluded. Situations change constantly, as do inheritance intentions. You're right to stay out of this one...

Nothing written, then Mum can enjoy herself as much as she likes, and good for her, I hope she has a long life!

Maybe the mother always wanted to spend and enjoy life but her first husband didn't and that contributed to the divorce,

My mother died at 51 and both parents had worked hard and made sacrifices to buy a house. After my mother died my father was in a new partnership and they both made Wills leaving their property to one another and then when they both died everything would be sold and divided equally between their children. Unexpectedly as his partner was very frail and my father looked after her, my father died first and she inherited everything. All of a sudden the frail lady who couldn't get on a bus had a new lease of life, sold the house and with the proceeds travelled with at least 3 trips to Australia but ended up in a council residential home in U.K. She also made changes to her Will but everything was sold, and after her new wishes were met the remains was divided between us and we received a small amount,

I know my father would have honoured their agreement but I feel angry for my mother who gave up so much to buy this house, to then have the procedures squandered by this women. The warning is once someone has inherited they can change their will and she could have changed it so her children inherited everything and us nothing. So beware as this happens more than you think.

Abject apologies: I have just noticed that Ana's question was answered.
Memo to self: read the thread!!

I do not think, generally, adult children do see their parents home as an inheritance rather than a home, but one would need to be completely purblind as our parent's get older not to realise that when they die we are likely to receive some of their assets and in some cases the value of these can be considerable.

Teresa May may have lost both her parents by the time she was 25, but her experience is, thankfully, exceptional. Nowadays, the majority of people are nearing retirement age or retired when their parents dies, and no matter how much financial foresight one has in planning and saving for retirement, few of us could deny that the receipt of a lump sum of money as we go into retirement is a great peace of mind issue; knowing that you have control over what type of care home you go into, if you do, because you are self-funding, or knowing you can afford alterations to your house or to buy in help if required. That doesn't mean while our parents live we look at their assets with £ signs in our eyes

However, the mean, the grasping and the avaricious are always with us and they will be like that in every aspect of their lives, including seeing their parents assets as theirs to covet

I hasten to add, is not what I think is happening in this case. I think bytheway's DiL is more upset by what she sees is the breakdown in trust between parent and child, and that the nature of her mother's new relationship is, perhaps, contributing to a loosening of the mother and daughter bond. The upset over the lost inheritance is a symptom, not a cause.

If her mother has eventually to go into a care home the house would have to be sold to pay the fees so there would potentially be little left to inherit anyway greedy madam!

There are so many things we don't know about the background to this story. The house and subsequent property were sold 'to pay their debts'. Is this true or hearsay? When the mother was left with the house after divorce, was she also left with a mortgage to pay? I got 75% of the equity of my house but had to take on what was left of the mortgage. Luckily I had a job. What was the mother's situation? I paid off the mortgage when I retired and downsized. And I was able to go on holidays, visit sister in NZ - things I never was able to do during my marriage. My sons have never begrudged me a penny. I agree with Ana that it's odd that we haven't been told if the father is still in the picture.

It seems to cause so much unhappiness and is this because some children do have an overblown sense of entitlement? An individual can leave their money to whoever they choose, be it children, mistresses or Battersea Dogs Home, and and is it THEIRS to dispose of as they wish. As for the grasping individual who resented his father spending his own money on himself - well!! My DC have encouraged us to spend our money and enjoy our life; possibly because there isn't much to fight over when we drop off our perches, but I have seen such massive rifts in families when there is a lot at stake. It's a bonus to get a financial lift in life from your parents, not a right.

I agree with all that's been said - there are two things here. First the DIL is disappointed that what was said didnt actually happen. My Fsther told me that he and his second wife had written their wills to leave their halves of the joint property to their respective children from previous marriages when they died. That didn't happen - they were" joint owners" so the whole house went to our stepmother on his death. You have to be "joint tenants in common " written in the deeds and then you can leave your half to your kids.

My DH was fleeced of wages to pay his parents mortgage, MiL wanted to live in a house they couldn't really afford. This resulted in us having to have a smaller home when we married. When his mother was widowed and remarried much later in life to a smart aleck who had a much smaller house, he was concerned about his inheritance . However she outlived H2 so DH and my SiL inherited, perfectly justly IMO. They did care for their mother in her old age, very well. They knew if husband 2 had outlived her he would have left everything to his children.
So I do have sympathy with children who lose their inheritance through remarriage.

This is an all too familiar story. A couple of my friends whose father had remarried, admittedly after the death of their mother, have felt very bitter about the new step mother and her offspring receiving a share of what they regard as their inheritance. They also resented any money their father spent on himself. Now both have lost their fathers and are left with step mothers they cannot get on with and who have inherited everything. We have never received anything from parents as they were not very well off and I know my children do not expect to inherit anything from us.

My only thought on this is if the SF is putting pressure on your DILs DM. It would be awful if he's making her part with her money in order for him to have a good time and then her be left with nothing.

Also, DIL should consult a solicitor if she feels so aggrieved. However, we all know where that will lead, if the solicitor thinks there is a case to answer to.

I've learnt a lot from these posts. I have a friend who says the younger generation seem to have a rather distasteful sense of entitlement to their parents' assets. Never having inherited a penny myself ( my father left everything to his mistress & stepchildren) I have been freed from these anxieties. However, I am to have a major operation later this year and it occurred to me that if I died, my husband might go back to HIS former mistress who would inherit as she is considerably younger. So: I'm taking a leaf from the book of the poster who warned about this eventuality and having our will changed to leave my half of assets to our three children.

I hate the idea that adult children see their parent's home as their inheritance rather than their home. My mother was struggling in a house that she could not longer cope with because she wanted something to leave us. I was horrified when I realised that and luckily managed to persuade her to sell and to move into somewhere with support services.
You get reports of someone elderly having to move from a retirement home because they can no longer afford it when it is clear that there is a house that the children are complaining may have to be sold because the state is too mean to step in. It seems all too common.

People promise based on their circumtances at the time and perform according to their circumstances later...........when people are bereaved or divorce young, their lives often start over again...........such is life.

Writing stuff down does help however, it is only as good as the last will which you can be totally unaware of until it is needed.

There is life after divorce.........no one owes their kids anything. If the inheritence was part of the divorce package and written in to the settlement who would enforce that especially if the money is spent?

Stay out of it apart from advising DIL to take it up with her father if she is upset. I am not surprised that she may be upset but don't take sides.
I do know someone else that this happened to, the daughter was more in despair that her mother and new husband were getting into huge debt. In the end there was a divorce, debt and mother had to go and live with her DD and family - not an ideal situation for any of them.

You do not have to be 'taken in' by someone who is reckless with money. There may be a mutual love affair, and the one who is not reckless fails to realise there is a problem or thinks they can control it.

But nothing breaks marriages up faster than money being plentiful and then running out. The financially irresponsible tend to cut and run, leaving their partner to deal with the wreckage.

Some people need to have a rant when something in their life seems to be going badly wrong. Bytheway, you should be happy that when your DiL needs a rant, she feels you are a safe pair of ears. I doubt she expects you to do anything, just make soothing noises and make tea.

DD is a ranter. When anything goes badly wrong, or even, not so badly wrong, she rings me up and rants. I make myself comfortable in a chair, phone to ear. IF DH is in he makes a cup of tea and I let her rip off for so long, 10 minutes to half an hour, depending on the problem and then I gently move the conversation on. she slowlycalms down and finally rings off to make herself a cup of tea. And that is the end of the subject

paddyann, of course remaining spouse lives in the house for life, leaves their half to whom they wish.

But divorce is different.

Good, you are staying out of it. Inheritance really is nothing anyway.

Nobody should expect an inheritance, and I think to expect is piggy.

when we made our latest wills ,mine says the house is my husbands for life but if he remarries my share of all we have should go to our children ,OH in total agreement.WE worked for it all together and I dont want my kids losing out to some new wife .Its in B/W and its staying that way ,so anyone who thinks they can do what this girls stepfather is doing,spending all his new partners cash,is in for a shock...its not going to happen.

Hi, just to answer a question, yes, her father is still around. He left DIL's mother for the mothers best friend.

Not that that is relevant but i do think guilt may at least have been part of the reason her mother got the house....i'm guessing here.

Tbh, I get the impression that maybe she 'thinks' or has assumed or been told that she will inherit from her parents and she can see that amount whittling away.

Frankly, i don't intend to get involved and i think she's blowing off steam over his dislike of her step-father.

I have met the parent-in-law, (bother her mother and step-father....and her father and step-mother) on a few occasions (though never both sets together) and they seem perfectly intelligent people so I honestly don't think the mother is being 'taken in' by the her husband.