Am I wrong to be slighty appalled at DIL

The swines! How dare they?!

I've heard this so many times! Usually it's a daft lonely old dad that's suddenly go a new lease of life with a new lady! ...and they are off spending money and enjoying life.

paddyann, How would mum be putting the strange man before her child, exactly?

I think ANY mother who puts a strange man before her kids is pretty disgusting....they're your kids for life ,not until you decide your love life is more important .

I think its pretty greedy to be watching a still very much alive parent and worrying about what may or may not be passed on when they die. Ugh!

The other day I read an article about a mother who lived with her partner of 30yrs and he has recently passed away. The mother had told her daughter she would inherit the house. The partner paid a weekly amount to the mother to help with the mortgage and the family now want him out so they could sell the house. What about that. In my view greed can be a symptom of unjust and poor behaviour.

Spending sprees.

I think it a bit worrying that her mother keeps downsizing, because eventually the cash will run out. She was in a bad marriage is and enjoying this time of her life, I couldn't begrudge her that. She wants to visit he mother in NZ whilst she still has her and that is lovely for all of them. Life is short and why should she not make the most of this time. As far as inheritance.goes, it's not anyone's right, I am sure if anything is left dil will get it. Pity she doesn't like her stepfather but it is her mother's choice, she lives with him 24/7 and it is good she is happy at last. Hope dil calms down, she is probably worried and letting off steam, good that she feels able to confide in you. Don't start going on any soending sprees though (joke).

So at first you said the mum got the house on the condition that she leave it to dil and her brother. But now you say that's merely what dil thinks. Could be her mum got the house because dad felt guilty, period.

I would be worried about my mum if she kept having to move to smaller and smaller places to pay off debt. But not because of inheritance - because of her welfare. I wouldn't blame her new dh though. Could be she was "celebrating" her freedom from a bad marriage.

But you can't say all that to dil, of course, though. You can sympathize with her disappointment though.

I have a DIL very similar to this and I agree with Jalima, stay out of it. Don't take sides, it will all end in tears. You don't say whether you have grandchildren but if you do please don't put your relationship with them in jeopardy.

If there's nothing in writing, no legal agreements then the mother can do exactly what she likes with her money. If the father was foolish enough not to have put anything in writing then there's nothing the daughter can do. The mother can leave everything to her new husband and there's nothing the daughter can do if the new husband should outlive her mother.
What is it with young people of today that they think they are entitled to an inheritance!.
Daughter should be happy that her mother is happy and enjoying her life rather than keeping a eye on what she's spending. It's her money and she can spend it how she chooses.

As a 'child' I've almost demanded that my parents and GPs enjoy their money.
However they refuse.

However (again) if I had genuine concerns regarding extreme spending. I may just mention that care homes etc come with their own sets of rules regarding money and maybe that should be scrutinised before the money goes.
Would OPs DILs Mum () be happy in a average home? Has the DIL informed her that she will not take physical responsibility of the couple.
It is a minefield.

WHY does it matter? Mum is alive, nobody has passed away, no inheritance until death. [frown]

H e said she said, who is right and who is wrong, unfortunately if its not in writing nothing DIL can do unless father is prepared to get involved but again if not in writing can be denied

I'm not assuming that the new husband is a 'gold-digger' but it is someting to be aware of and of which we have had worrying experience.

Perhaps DIL would dearly love to visit her grandmother in New Zealand herself but can't afford to.
Perhaps her mother, if she is generous as stated in the OP, might take DL with her next time.

I think mum should be able to spend as she likes and go to NZ as often as she wishes. Greedy DIL.

There are some huge assumptions on there that the mother is being 'bled dry' by her new husband; that he is the one leading the spending. Reading the OP, it looks to me as though it is the mothers own mother who lives in New Zealand, therefore why shouldn't she go and see her? The downsizing may be from a purely practical point of view, looking to the future and ensuring they can cope when older.

Very sensible Silversands

They may, of course just be having a brilliant time and not thinking of the future. But what happens if they need money for care? Or lose their home because if more debt?

DIL could approach it by suggesting that the presents they receive are over-generous. However, I see nothing wrong with going over to NZ once a year to visit an elderly mother if they can afford this without going into debt.

I would be supportive of my DIL and tactfully suggest that she tries to become a bit closer to her mother, inviting her alone across to her home to see if she can find out what is really going on. Perhaps her mother is being bled dry by her new husband and she goes along with whatever he asks of her because she is terrified he will leave her she will be left alone. It may well be that if she knew her daughter and son were there to offer her the support she perhaps desperately needs, she may have the courage to say "NO!" to him when he asks for more money; holidays etc. Some times situations are not always what they seem on the surface, you have to dig deeper to discover what is really going on, so don`t be too judgemental of your DIL offer her the support she needs at this time, be her sound wall where she can bounce her thoughts and worries on.

she does not like her step-father
That says more than anything else.
Did he bring anything to the relationship in the way of assets? Or, like many cases, including a couple of instances of which I have first-hand knowledge, did he target a lonely, vulnerable woman for her home, her money, and because he was 'on his uppers' but likes the good life.

There is much more to this than it appears at first.

If I disliked and distrusted him I would not refer to him as 'my step-father', rather 'my mother's husband'.

I agree that she is a greedy little madam who should be delighted that her mother has found happiness and is enjoying life to the full. Instead of worrying about what she will receive when she dies. The mother is probably happier living in a smaller place, after all are we not all being encouraged to downsize? This gives her smaller overheads and more time to relax and enjoy her time with new husband.

I think bytheway that you should find it a compliment that DIL feels able to rant/ moan at you about the situation. It is about so much more than money in situations like this. She probably feels her mum hasn't kept an agreement she made with her dad, she may not like her step father and she may feel pushed out of her mum's affections by this chap. All complex emotions to deal with. Let her rant!

You just need to look at the Lynda Bellingham story - she said her 2 sons were to inherited something from her estate when she passed away. I don't know if there was anything written down but the sons were evicted from their home by the new husband. I think it's a sad old world when people believe their loved ones will be taken care of when it doesn't always happen.

I don't think DiL is a greedy madam at all. Why on earth would she want this man, her mothers new man, to spend the money that she believes should, one day, go to her. I wouldn't sympathise if it were her mother and father spending their money how they pleased but it's not; it's some random guy who she obviously doesn't like anyway. I perfectly understand where she is coming from on this.

I think your DIL could be upset but also worried about the situation - after all, what happens to her mother if the second marriage ends in divorce as could happen if there are money worries and debts?
Will mother then come to her daughter and expect her to give her a home?