How can I make my daughter lose weight?

I refer anyone interested to the article in the Guardian today which claims that being fat but fit is not likely. Apologies for not providing a link but I don't have a clue how to do that.

worriednan I can see that you are very worried and you probably have cause to be so. Perhaps she has an outward show of happiness because she can't face the thought of losing such a lot of weight which must seem overwhelming.

Going to WW or Slimming World to lose a couple of stone is daunting enough but this is not the problem here - unless she decides for herself that hat is what she wants to do I don't think you can talk her into starting. CBT could be the answer - and realising that it a day at a time and one day's setback doesn't mean giving up.
The thing is that losing the first stone or so when someone is morbidly obese could be relatively easy - when the weight loss slows down is the time it must get harder.

I think all you can do is love her the way she is. She has to want to lose before it will happen. I don't think talking about her size or weight will help.

When I ponder gaining a pound I get in a state to lead to really gaining.

Hello worriednan. Had a similar problem with my son and it was indeed the diabetes etc. that was my worry. However I said my piece to him once on that topic and never mentioned it again. It's not a lot of fun having to take even loving criticism when the times we were meeting up were so precious otherwise. However....... in his own good time he is making a difference. He has a mountain to climb and I think the difficult part is simply getting started. The last thing an excessively overweight person wants to do is exercise. Takes much more effort than the average 'fatty'. I regularly praise his progress when I see it and say nothing when I don't. There are very few of us in this world nowadays who wouldn't like to lose a bit of weight. We are all personally aware all the time but strong will is a rare and difficult commodity. Only the individual can deal with this and sometimes mention by others - no matter how loving - just makes them dig their heels in and become resentful. I wish you well. She sounds like an intelligent girl and an all rounder. So....... maybe, just maybe..........

Her husband is normal size. He adores her but he is concerned about the risks to her health. They eat well enough - it's the amount she has but actually that's not even the issue - the issue is many, many years of overeating which has resulted in her current size. To stress, none of us care about it in terms of how she looks or her dress size. Only from the perspective of her health. we are not talking a bit overweight, chubby or anything like that. Morbidly obese in the true sense

This lady is obese; but the concern is fed by silly discussions about dress size. I take a 14-16 and my BMI is entirely normal. It annoys me a bit TBH when people talk about these sort of dress sizes as being large - crazy.

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my mum always mentions weight and always seems to be unhappy with mine even at size 12 ,I was a runner,walked a lot and rode horses most weekends.I swam and was very active.I then trained
as a nurse away from home and with shifts being unable to exercise as I had and especially nights I became a size 12-14.I still walked a lot and am careful with diet.
I had children ,no family nearby and the exercise became harder to do consisting of playing ,walking ,running and swimming with children but remained a size 14-16 at most.I then had a nasty accident and was unable to walk for some time and then really knew about it,the weight increased,I could not even walk in the house ,cook etc .
At this time mum was unable to help living a 100 miles away.Luckily my friends helped taking the children to school but their activity too was restricted,my husband did what he could but due to his work hours things were limited.My mum would comment on weight but give the children sweets and chocolate when we saw her.
Recently I had a severe illness and although I had lost weight from eating healthily in the previous months the first thing she said was that I had gained weight (no lost 2 stone and now in healthy weight range) .The medication I take is one that can cause weight gain so am being careful but want to live my life and enjoy it.My husband said "your mum is always putting you down" and now I see it too.I will never be pretty,thin,or good enough in any thing-at least you do care but just tell her you are concerned and there for her .
the word diet should mean a way of eating not restricting and punishment.Diabetes is a real threat but it is hard to cook everything from the beginning and unfortunately healthy fresh food is expensive-just keep leading by example.
I would have been very upset and resentful if given slimmers world tokens!

hi worriednan I am just wondering if you have had a quiet word with her husband, not to criticise I Hasten to add,
just to ask if your daughter is feeling as well as she says or if its possible that she is putting on a brave face in front of her mum.

You don't say if your daughter's husband/partner is large or of average weight.

Does her DH mention any concerns he may have with your DD's size.
Who does the cooking?

Are her children (if she has any ) eating healthy?
It maybe possible to have a healthy eating discussion about children's eating habits rather than your daughter's

However you know your DD best, so if you think that would make matters worse please just stay schtum.

Apologies if I have asked too many questions

Hi I've done the Marisa Peer course, where we learnt to uncover the reason behind the overeating, using hypnosis. Search for RTT which is rapidl transformational therapy, which does what it says. The person understands their valid reasons for the behaviour-whatever it is from addiction to phobias and much more- then decide they don't need that in their lives anymore.

What a lot of mistyping! Sorry about that. Correction: ' the amount they piled into their plates'. And 'young, not crippled'. It's this beastly spell-check on my phone!

Interesting that she had a gastric band in the fist place. Well done her. Because she wanted to do the magic solution, presumably, and eat less. Did it work? Did she discover that actually eating less lost her weight? If so, she knows the answer... so if and when she wants to lose weight again, she'll know to get smaller portions ( or smaller plates)

I went on a cruise ship once full of American holidaymakers. The snout they lied on each plate of food was astonishing. And then went for second. And many were in wheelchairs. Young, not crooked, just too fat to walk. Almost all looked too big to fit into an airline seat. So they had to holiday on a cruise ship.

I strongly suspect that overweight is not just a matter of diet and exercise...it's a disease caused by some metabolism altering microbe that is yet to be discovered. With so much expert advice and so many diets, it should be so easy to lose weight, yet so many of us struggle mightily with meager success by comparison.

I am puzzled by the reversal of her gastric band - that is a very strong statement of her intent, so much so that I would leave her be. She is obviously very determined to live as SHE wishes.

Sometimes people use humour as a defense mechanism worriednan which could be your DD's way of "pretending" that she is fine with it.I doubt any of us are really happy being overweight (and i don't mean a pound or two). Losing a lot of weight takes incredible willpower and support from others and its really very difficult to "go it alone".

I use humour as a way of coping with nasty things. I tend to make a joke (at my own expense) as a way of covering up how I really feel inside.

Oh apologies, I assumed she had a family. Well, you can only hope it comes to her to take charge of her body and life without it being a medical crisis. Fingers crossed and sending you my very best wishes and admiration for being lovlingly concerned. I am sure she knows you are and that may help some day along the way when she feels the need to do something.

{{{hugs}}}

Does your DD talk to you about her weight? Do you know what she believes the cause to be?
You say she jokes about her weight, could you use that as a starter to ask if she is really okay with it?
Be very careful, though, as even expressing concern about her health could come across as criticism.

Yes I think she is happy in terms of work, marriage, social life, general. She was always curvy but I think that her huge weight rise probably was some form of control over her life in teen years - I suppose not unlike anorexia is but in reverse. She doesn't have children (never wanted them) but dotes on her nephews and I do genuinely think she is happy - not to say life is perfect but then is is for any of us? But yes, I think she would describe herself as that now. The damage has been done over many, many years and now her health is suffering so much. She's young. Only mid 40s. It's not a case of making her aware of the health issues as she is only too aware of them. But it would take so so much to make a tiny difference that I can see that that could make anyone think what's the point

FarNorth Wed 17-May-17 11:02:37 Thank you... it was and I was here in the UK and they were in the US. They told me if I wanted to come... the hospital could delay the switch-off for one day, but I could not get there without a lot of plane changes and would not arrive till the following day. My niece put her mobile to his ear, and he just gasped and whimpered as I told him I loved him. Three hours later she texted me that he was gone. My hand shook so much I could hardly text a reply. It still haunts me, almost worse than when it happened.

Worriednan Sorry for my graphic posts, but thar could well be her future. Would her older children be willing to support you and be there if you talked with her about it? They must be worried, too, if any are into their teen years. Your daughter might want help but has thrown her hands up because of the gastric band problems. They can be other ways to lose weight as posters have shared. And do you know if her GP has said something that was not tactful or encouraging? Maybe something about that has put her off as well.

Although it is of course your daughters choice, I wonder if she knew how worried you are, she may think again. I wouldn't be too hesitant in broaching the subject. This is about her health, not her weight. I wouldn't be fooled by her laughing it off. There will be a reason why she eats so compulsively. My sister was in this situation and sad to say, she had a heart attack a few years ago and died on the way to the hospital. She was in her fifties. It may be that she'd have had it anyway but her weight may have affected her survival chance. I'd just go for it...it doesn't matter if it upsets her. I think you need to be cruel to be kind in this case.

I totally understand why you are worried and it is so hard to feel you don't know how to help. But I agree with the people who say she has to do this for herself - I cannot believe she is not worried , but she may not want to say so. I have lost nearly 3 stone and kept it off for 7 years and am sure we need to consider our psychology if we want to eat healthily; we all really know we need to avoid much sugar , for instance, but the issue is being able to eat appropriately and stay there without too much struggle. I am reading, with friends, a book which I think may give a basis for understanding why your talking to your daughter may actually be counter productive. The book is called Counselling for Toads and is by Robert de Board; strange name for a book! It is using Toad from the Wind in the Willows/Toad of toad Hall as a fictional basis for presenting a way to understand ourselves; it is a very accessible read. I think it also provides a basis for understanding more about why we may want to eat more than we need, but that is another story. Maybe one day I will write that other story! I've thought about it a lot.

PS I forgot to say that my blood sugars are now back to normal and my GP is now very interested in this way of eating. I have also lost some weight, though not as much as Seasidenana - very impressive! I wasn't at my heaviest when I started , though, as I had been doing the 5:2 diet before that, and on that diet you soon learn to cut the carbs as they have so many calories that 500kc of, say, pasta, makes for only a tiny portion.

The Diet Doctor website is at
www.dietdoctor.com/

I agree with Nannaandgrampy. You can't "make her". You say many people are worried about her, but she won't listen. It sounds like the poor woman is under a lot of pressure from a deluge of negative comments! Clearly, she has tried all sorts of diets or she wouldn't have got to the gastric band. Is she technically 'morbidly obese'? It doesn't sound like it since she has a job she loves and an active social life (lots of friends). Rather than constantly trying to change her (which is hardly going to make your time together happy for her), consider educating yourself about the body positivity movement.

I can not offer a solution to the problem and I know how worrying it is. My MIL was big and it did cause problems, she developed type2 diabetes and she had osteo-arthritis which ultimately killed her when she was 58. The drugs taken to alleviate the arthritis caused Aplastic anaemia which caused her premature death.
MIL broke furniture in our house and we always worried about chairs collapsing and her injuring herself.

I think the decision has to be hers. Some years ago my DD, who was in her 30s at the time, was about 4 stone overweight. My DH said to me 'tell her she needs to lose weight'. I said 'why don't you tell her? Do you think she doesn't know?' Eventually she lost over 4 stone. She did it herself with no help from gastric bands or slimming clubs etc. She said looking at a photograph of herself prompted her into taking action. She did fantastically well and has kept her weight down. Good luck to your DD.