How can I make my daughter lose weight?

Worriednan, I can understand your daughter wanting her gastric band removed. Although not in the position of needing one myself, I was interested in how they worked and researching, read that they are not the easy fix that many people assume. For example, once in place, the restrictions on portion size mean that social interaction is very much affected. Sitting at a table whilst everyone else enjoys a meal can be quite distressing.

I agree with many other posters that only your daughter can decide what is right for her, although I can see how desperate you are to help her - you are in a very difficult position. She may also have my old disease 'reverse anorexia', a nasty problem in which one looks in the mirror and instead of seeing a bit of a blob, one actually sees a slim, lithe version of me!

It is possible to be both fat and fit although the restriction of extra weight does make exercise more difficult but it is possible. Of course, there will also be a knock-on effect on her bones and joints which in later years could cause hip and knee problems.

Diabetes is another challenge but I am sure you know all of this.

In terms of helping your daughter, all I can suggest is that you perhaps see if she will accompany you to a jolly type if fitness class (Zumba, line dancing, etc) but NOT a 'gym', per se and suggest that you need to lose weight and would she join you?; Even idly flick through a magazine and show her pretty clothes mentioning that she would really suit that outfit in terms of colour etc., leaving unsaid the fact that the clothes would not be made in a huge size.

A photograph helped me to overcome my 'RA (as above) so could you take some - preferably really unflattering - shots of her standing or sitting by a slim person, thus showing the difference in size

Lastly you could just and tell her just how worried you are! Ask her to do some, or show her some basic research on how her current lifestyle is affecting her body long term.

A poster mentioned that losing weight post-menopause is more difficult as the skin sags and wrinkles - and it does, I know!

Ultimately, only your daughter can decide if she wants to lose weight and although you could influence her decision (health worries etc.) only she can begin the weight-loss journey. Repeatedly nagging will definitely make her drag her heels.

I wish you both the best of luck

I hope I didn't offend you worriednan that certainly was not my intent,and it does sound as if your DD has mobility problems too. It is incredibly hard to understand why people overeat when all the information is there. Just be there, and be as non-judgmental as you are obviously are. Do your grandchildren ever say anything? Sometimes a child being embarrassed by a parent being unable to say, fit into an airline seat, or theme park ride, can be the trigger to the parent taking control.

Sorry, missed out don't push.

worriednan.Don't push. There is always an 'underlying problem' that makes a person eat in excess of what their body needs so they become obese or they go the other way where they deny themselves food.Overeat to compensate for something missing in their lives is usually the main reason or a medical imbalance that although they may not be overeating the body says the opposite.
The opposite then is the denying of food which those who do this feel 'unworthy'.It is not always about wanting to wear the latest fashions and look like models but out of control of their lives for some reason or another ie pressure to do well to gain admiration from a pushy parent or just to conform to your bosses's expectations is just the tip of the iceburg.Consequently the only thing they do have control over, like the opposite one who over indulges, is what food they eat.
You say your daughter s happily married with a good job.In other words she is in your view 'happy'Are you a fly on the wall.Do you really see it all.?
I can understand your frustration.Yes I too have been in a not unlike situation as yourself.Your daughter is an adult with a growing family You can't tell her what to do.All I can suggest is that you on your own have professional advice on how you can help your daughter as you fear for her health.You will not be alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Also I never say anything about her food choices - frankly it's way beyond worrying about individual meals and things.

Her friends are all normal ish in their weight. My worry is that her mobility is already constrained greatly by her weight and so exercise is not possible - walking any distance is already too much. No one judges her and everyone loves her but as her mother I worry so much about the consequences. The doctor has confirmed that she is putting her heart under a huge strain. What I struggle to understand is that she loves life and loves her family and friends so why risk losing everything?

I understand your concern for your daughter, but as someone who has battled with weight issues for years I would advise leaving the girl alone. Also, don't bother with SW and WW and others, if they worked they would go out of business. They make a fortune out of making people, chiefly women, feel unhappy about their appearance and a lot of the food is processed crap. I went to SW recently, and yes I did lose some weight and have kept it off, but that was through eating lean meat, lots of veg and cutting out white flour. SW class was always about how to make a 'mock trifle' out of processed, artificial sweetened non foods, not good for anyone and they wreck blood sugar levels and thus increase food cravings. If she is getting ample, gentle exercise such as walking or cycling, is able to do what she wants to do with her family and hold down a responsible job then she is obviously doing ok. Yes, being overweight will have an impact on her joints, and it may be that which will cause her to review her diet in the future. Don't judge, don't comment, although I do understand it must be hard. I am not and have never been morbidly obese, more of a fluctuating 14-18, but would find it humiliating if my DM questioned my food choices when I am an adult, raising a family and holding down a responsible job. Just enjoy your lovely daughter!

Firstly I would like to say you can't make anyone loose weight . She has to want to loose weight herself .It also sounds like that your daughter has excepted the weight she is. Probably after many years of trying .Have you heard of the ketogenic diet . I'm not very good at explaining so it might be best to look on line for that. The ketogenic diet works for me and many others , it also helps with blood sugars if your diabetic . You also have to look at the problem of menopause. There are so many reasons for weight gain. Supermarkets don't help nowadays either so much process food on the shelves. Your daughter works so she might be too tired when she gets home to cook a meal from scratch . Could you make her some meal ? The older generation always made dinners ,no process. Breakfast was bacon and eggs . It still is in my house . Does your daughter eat a lot of carbs ? That's the culprit for a lot of weight gain , bread , pasta , biscuits , cakes . It's madness . There is to much rubbish in the way of food out there these days . So much temptation . My late mother said , if you don't want to eat it don't buy it . Sometimes though that must be hard. I do hope your daughter finds a way to help herself , but to be honest just tell her everyday how much you love her. That's the most important thing . Love !

Can I just endorse what petalmoore has just said ? I gained weight and fir some reason could not motivate myself to do much about it. The trigger for me was the risk of diabetes, potential loss of limbs etc. I started the LCHF in January and have lost 32lbs dropping from a size 20 to a 14. My bloods and liver etc are normal. I didn't want to put my kids through losing their mum. That is a very strong motivation.

There is a lot of support for people following the LCHF way of eating, with forums online. Im never hungry and eat delicious food. I don't miss carbs.

you cant make her lose weight she needs to do it herself,my daughter is very overweight due to her health issues and all the medication she takes.I worry about her all the time BUT I would never say anything about weight to her.That would just make her feel worse than she does already.She cant exercise because of the pain she's in constantly...she tries yoga when she has a good spell and gets benefits from it mentally .If your daughter is happy wth how she is and it doesn't impact on her life then leave her be .My mother was always weight obsessed I grew up thinking I was fat though I was never bigger than a size 12 during her life,even on my wedding day she thought my dress was "neat" around my bust because I hadn't lost "enough" weight...I was an 8 ! I understand there are health issues but SHE has to see them for herself you cant do it for her.IF /WHEN she decides to lose it just be there to support never criticise

That sounds so upsetting for everyone, lewlew.

My heart goes out to you. My brother was morbidly obese since hs 40's and had a heart condition. He was much older than your daughter when he had a heart attack, and they decided to operate. He did not survive the surgery and was on life support for 10 days, but they had to turn it off because his kidneys would not pick up and work again.

Dawn French, who I follow as I love her humour, always felt comfortable being a big girl. But later, she changed her mind for health reasons.

www.goodtoknow.co.uk/wellbeing/548453/dawn-french-weight-loss

Your daughter is shortening her future and a full life with her children, family and friends. When they woke my brother from his induced coma so family could say good-bye, he was weeping whilst gasping from being off the ventilator. He knew he'd screwed up big time.

It bothers me so much even a year on that he felt like he was being 'executed'. They were going to turn off a switch. He did not have a disease to prepare himself for the end, neither was he in an accident. His weight was his executioner and the reason he did not survive surgery.

We are obsessed with weight and yet there are schools of thought that it is not of great significance Fta Fabrications used to have a lot to say about this, the Russians have a fat ballet corps.

Does she have heart trouble? You can be fat and fit.

One in 1000 people die during gastric band surgery, she has had surgery twice now.

If she doesnt care and all of this has happened to her why do you care? Please dont tell me you worry about her heart because she has had risky surgery twice, where else can she go from here? How many risks would satisfy your compulsion to reduce her heart risk.

I am fat and hate it. I know I would do better to be thinner HOWEVER for other reasons I eat and maybe I prefer the comfort that brings me.

If she decides for herself she will lose weight..........she decided to try the band and didn't get on with it, options don't come much mre drastic than that.

Leave her be you may make things worse if you don't.

Apparently the fat never goes but the cells just shrink, which is a depressing thought. Once formed, they are sitting there waiting to be filled again .....

Which may be more of a reason for someone who has been fat to find it difficult stay slim after losing weight than someone who would appear to be 'naturally slim'.

MaggieMay69 Well done to you! Well done to your daughter, and the bonus is she has made new friends along the way plus you must both be healthier than you were before. So impressed with what you have achieved.

Messy cake I watched part of that programme and wish I had listened to it all especially about the brains reaction

Worriednan not sure your daughter is happy about the situation but obviously she has come to terms with it and wants to enjoy life. Doesn't feel she can do anything about it, has given it her best shot , so is making the best of her life and wants everyone to accept her as she is.

The worst thing for her if people focus on her weight. Hopefully one day she will decide to do something about it and have the strength and mindset to follow through. I wish someone would take me in hand and help me loose weight but I know only I can do it. Just got back from an hours walk along the beach, so that at least makes me feel good and is gently exercise.

as a 'morbidly obese' person myself I am horrified that so many people out there think its just a case of not eating so much and exercise to be done without a second thought. It is so easy for thin people to criticise. What is this obsession with being scrawny!
I have no health problems and sail through my yearly mot, eat more healthily than most of my friends but I am still told I need to lose weight.
Leave the poor girl alone - if she is happy then who are we to decide for her what size she needs to be?

Bebe47 I am going the Slimming World way but not exactly in that I have made a list of the foods I am allowed to eat and a list of those I should not eat. I make up my meals (at least OH does) from the OK list. I do not go to a clinic/class because I hate all the weighing in an talking about food. I just get on with it, and I have almost lost a stone now. It works! I do not feel hungry. What is there to lose except the fat? Does not cost any more than eating normally and I am not restricted to milk shakes or powders. I eat a balanced diet and I feel very active. When I have lost another half a stone I can have my knee fixed and that is my goal.

PS - it's never too late - am 70 and enjoying life much more than when I was overweight. Dance classes, walking, Pilates - she won't regret it - maybe you could pay for some SW classes and yes go with her. I didn't want to become diabetic like my Mothrr or have high blood pressure. It's mind over matter and you have to just eat healthily with no fats or sugar to speak of and smaller portions with plenty of veg.

Has she been checked for diabetes? When I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes last year I was determined to stave off the need for medication for as long as possible, and put myself on a low carb high fat (LCHF) diet (currently frowned on by the NHS but with good and understandable medical evidence behind it). I more or less gave up anything flour-based - bread, biscuits, pasta, white sauce, etc and also rice, potatoes, grains ... and of course sugar. I found this easy after a day or two and didn't miss them nearly as much as I'd expected. And I stopped thinking about food all the time, as I have always done in the past. It very rarely occurs to me to snack, as I'm not driven from within by a craving for sugar (to which all carbs are converted). I agree with previous posters about the importance of not pushing people to lose weight - during all the years I was obese I felt resentful, guilty and miserable, and when I went on a dietI felt deprived. I tried hard to be 'fat and happy', but inside I felt dreadful. This diet has been different - I know I'm doing it for my health, and I tell people about it, so it isn't about losing weight to be socially acceptable, it's about keeping me well. And I do feel brighter in every way, and more focused. This may be irrelevant to you and your daughter, but if you or anyone else is interested, Google 'Diet Doctor' to find out more about the science behind it. I am not proselytising - the diet doesn't suit everyone - but it's made such a difference to me that I didn't want to keep silent. I do wish your daughter well, and want to say how lucky she is to have a mum who cares, but doesn't define her by her weight. xx

If she does not want to bother to lose weight there is no good harping on about it. It has to come from her. You have pointed out the dangers, you have done your best. One thing you might not have tried though is making her feel guilty because if she dies it will be hard on her loved ones. Might be worth trying, but as I said, she is the one to make the decision, not you. Slimming World works. Weight Watchers works. Cambridge Diet works. The rest is up to her to watch her diet and try and do a little bit of exercise each day. Sounds as though it will be an uphill effort. People can become addicted to some kinds of food. Maybe it is the chemicals in the food, or the chemical reaction they cause in the body. She needs to speak to a dietician.

With my daughter, I tried something different. I told her I was really unhappy about the extra weight I myself had put on, that it was making me more tired, my clothes didn't fit well and I could only buy flowery tents that I hated, and I begged her not to make me go alone to SW, and to come with me to Zumba.
I actually couldn't have given two tosses about my own weight, I have always been a size 16, and it fits me well I think, but she had just gone into size 32 clothing, and I knew she was unhappy, despite the 'Jolly happy fat one' persona she would wear, I knew she wanted to wear her jeans again, and not have to struggle into panel pants on a night out....so I begged, and she relented finally, and she fell in love with it all. She made new friends after being a hermit for so so long, and she has lost in two years around 7 stone. Its coming off slowly which is perfect as it will hopefully stay off.
I know you are worried, I was too and I was a bit naughty fibbing, but I did it with her children in mind too!
You're being a great Mum just by being there for her. xxx

I hope the OPs daughter paid for these operations privately and didn't burden the NHS with the cost,

Tell her to join Slimming World - I lost 2 and a quarter stone in 12 months - slow but sure . Worth every Penny . I am now a size 14 instead of 18 and feel fab.

My dear mum used to 'mention' my weight, often. She told me not to wait til i was post menopause as skin doesnt spring back and gets saggy. I had battled all my Adult life, lost gained lost gained until a few years ago ( well past menopause) when i lost 1.5 stones and have maintained since that time. Unfortunately i have peaked too early and have another stone at least to lose, so the struggle goes on. And mum was right about post meno skin....
However we have to make our own decisions about this, and being told even in the most caring loving way, will make no difference and can cause a lot of annoyance.
Try to say nothing, its hard i know, but she has to make up her own mind and when she is ready, she may. Or she may not. I hope she does i know being a dress size smaller has made me feel better about myself. Trouble is i need to go down another, or otherwise grow 6" taller.