Mother in law problems

Nonnies comment about being self obsessed is so true. I have a daughter and daughter in law both within 5 minutes distance so I am very fortunate. Son and DIL have 2 children but I didn’t see them til the last of the 6 weeks summer holiday because the were away with the other Grandma, taking her on holiday etc etc with yards of FB photos of happy times. We get the hum drum stuff ~ can you help with transport, can you help us move house, can you help babysit at short notice (obviously we grasp that opportunity) But we would like to do some of the fun stuff with them too. Suppose I am sad there isn’t a more even time share of their time but it is pretty normal for the daughter in law to decide the calendar I suppose. Sad that DIL doesn’t recognise how it makes us feel. Sorry, whinge over ?

Just saw this thread. I have a very similar situation to that of your daughter OP. I am the DIL. I have 2 boys and we live about 10 mins away from our MIL. Before her other son and his wife had a grandchild (the longed for baby girl!) she would often babysit for us and we had what I thought was a good relationship. She always refused to do regular childcare and overnight stays though (which I was completely fine with - as I figured she's done her share of childcare and it's now her turn to enjoy her freedom).
However with the arrival of the granddaughter, all the rules went out the window. She did childcare 1 day a week whilst BIL & SIL worked, had granddaughter over every other weekend to stay etc etc. My boys were so ignored, my eldest even asked whether they were still his grandparents.

I find the whole situation incredibly hurtful especially as my parents live in another country so I don't see them very often. I just wanted my boys to have a close relationship with their paternal grandparents who live nearby but sadly it seems this is not to be. It is clearly something to do with MIL preferring girls (she didn't have a daughter of her own so this is the first little girl she can mother I guess!) and she is so besotted with her granddaughter that I think she has no idea how neglected my boys and myself feel. We have subtly mentioned it to her a couple of times but she either hasn't or has chosen not to get the message so we have had to go low contact with her as I find it so hurtful every time I hear about the presents she bought or fun activities she has had with granddaughter.

Btw when I mention it to my DH he is adamant he doesn't want to raise the issue. He is very independent generally and is not bothered by the disparity in how the grandchildren are treated.

Sorry not much advice OP but it seems this sort of behaviour is not uncommon. The idea that you should be 'fair' in how you treat your grandchildren is not something that is important to everyone.

Well my feelings are that the mother in law is disgraceful if she can't give time to her grandson as well as granddaughter.
I have a grand daughter, grandson and step grandson and I love them all the same and would see them at every possible opportunity. My granddaughter and grandson have different mothers but that makes no difference to me. We also have another grandchild on the way, who I will love unconditionally.
I think this grandmother ought to get her act together or she is going to miss out on a relationship with her grandson. If there is a problem relationship with either parent (which isn't given as a reason) she shouldn't put this on the child. I don't think there is a difinitive solution and daughter in law will, unfortunately, have to accept the situation.

There must be 2 sides to this.

I've been lucky - my MIL is like an older sister, offered me and DDs a home when I left my ex and treated them identically to their half-brother.Sadly in later life they decided to become estranged from us and MIL cannot ever forgive them, so they have missed out on the love from this side of the family. But although she and I fight like cat and dog, we adore one another!

The child has no contact with her father and doesn't know who he is (he's actually my son in laws best friend)

By SIL I have to assume you only have one SIL. Questions: Why doesn't the child have a relationship with her real father or even know who he is, if he's your SIL's best friend? Does your MIL know who the father is?

I may be speculating here, but if the child's father is no longer in their life, and the child doesn't even know who he is, it's either by choice or he's being 'punished' for behaving very badly. The kind of resentment left behind in these cases, is also the kind that spills over.

If your SIL and his sister's ex are still best friends, it's more than likely he's still welcome in your SIL's (your own daughter's) house. If that's true, we can also assume that this fellow gets to see your GS, however sporadically. Given the circumstances, that could be a very big thorn in MIL's side, if she knows who he is. If there was some 'unpardonable' behavior on his part, this could also be perceived as a breach of loyalty towards SIL's own family.

It's possible your own daughter may be getting much of the blame. The ensuing backlash is probably affecting how much time MIL gives your GS. If any of this rings true, your SIL may have some sorting out to do about his priorities and who he want's to spend more time with.

Not justifying anyone's behavior or judging them either, I'm just trying to come up with an explanation and a possible solution.

My daughter is in this position and it breaks my heart as she is 12000 miles away from her own family. MIL who lives ten minutes away shows scant interest in her son's adorable children and is rude and critical of my DD while making a huge fuss of her own daughters' children. Coming from a large, loving family DD thought her DH's family would welcome her just as I have welcomed my DIL and the rejection and isolation have hurt her badly. My SIL is treated as the black sheep of the family, perhaps because he spent years away from home exploring Europe and though he supports my daughter he doesn't seem able to change his mother's attitude.
Sadly I don't know how this kind of situation can be turned around.

Surely no grandchild should be shown preferential treatment over a cousin or a sibling. They should all be treated equally. If one lives near and one far, we grandparents are adult enough to balance it, eg one stays for several separate overnights while the other stays for part of half term - you get the idea.

It's definitely a mums and daughter connection that creates this , I see it all the time and witness it to as I'm mum to 2 daughters.

Forgive me for disagreeing with those who say your daughter should step back Imo if she does, it will look as if she doesn't want more contact with her MIL and between her son and his grandmother than there is at the moment.

Could your daughter not just ask her MIL whether she has time to see her grandson more and say that she, the boy's mother would like both the child and herself to see more of MIL?

A lot of us mothers of sons don't feel that our DIL are very interested in knowing us better and realise when it is too late to do much about a long-standing relationship, that the DIL was just shy, or diffident at the start of the relationship.

Now-a-days a lot of young women and their mothers seem to feel and say that the mother's mother is the IMPORTANT GRANNY an attitude that is very hurtful to woman who is the mother of the grandchild's father.

A lot of young parents do find their own parents easier to get on with than their in-laws, but this is not a law of nature, you know. My sister found her MIL much easier to have around her children than her own mother.

I am afraid your DD is going to have to discuss this matter with her husband and with her MIL if she is going to be able to change anything. Being hurt and letting it be seen that she feels hurt is not going to do good, and will probably do harm.

Two sides to every story. And I hate to admit (!) that try as I may to be equal in my affections, I feel closer to my daughter's child than to my son's child. I think it's the maternal bond thing! Then again my DD phones most days for a quick "everything ok? whereas my DIL only calls if my son has made arrangements to see us. I'm equally close to my son ..... But DILs can make life difficult too!

MIL of a son, if you were you might want your son to take the lead but they don't , no matter how much they love their mums.

What absolute sexist drivel.
I am a mother to a son. And I would never ever dream of saying he isn't capable of doing for xyz because of his sex.
I also wouldn't tolerate my daughter being taken advantage of because her husband or whomever she chooses just can not be capable of remembering something as simple as a date!

Thank God there is a generation trying to fix this!
If he can't remember his own mother then that is an issue between a mother and a son. And if anyone ever tried to blame me for my MIL not getting xyz on a specified date then I would pass them my husbands number.

As a mother of sons, I agree with Radicalnan and Maw Broon. In my experience sons may not always send cards or remember birthdays, even though these days, DiLs think they ought to.

My advice would be: keep being yourself. Don't take things personally either on behalf of your family or on your own behalf. Stay pleasant, friendly, approachable and loving. Send cards, keep in touch, be happy

M I laws often wait to be asked, every single time. It's just the way it is, they are scared of intruding. If it was me I'd invite her over for coffee or lunch, and make sure to say please come over and we could all go out for an afternoon . If she doesn't want to, you've done your best.

I relate to this. My DIL has never been left out of any family events. We remember her birthdays and they spend Christmas with us. We occasionally take their two boys to the zoo etc. The boys are 7 and 3 but are a handful but it's more than just wanting to see the boys. They hardly ever invite us to their house or to their events. They were here this weekend and they never ask about us. I ask about her and its moaning about having the boys all summer. Her Mum can obviously cook better then me. I had baked scones. Apple pie for them etc. They spend a lot of time on their phones. The boys are totally attention seeking. When they leave I say to my dh. Breath. It's an awful experience. I look after my dd dd a lot. My daughter is always concerned about my welfare. Is nice to me and her daughter is a delight. They live further away. It's a two way street. Even my dh who is far less sensitive is fed up with my son and dil. They say they will visit at the weekend but leave it to the last minute to tell us when. I don't particularly want to see my DIL ever again but I do because I love my son and his children. Facebook doesn't help. But even when the boys were small we were never invited to visit. Lots more but won't bore you.

It sounds as though your son-in-law's sister is the mum of the granddaughter (if the mil pays for the granddaughter's mum to go on holiday). If I am correct, would it also be right to assyme that your son-in-law's sister is a single parent (otherwise why isn't mil paying for the granddaughter's dad or why isn't he paying for his wife/partner to go on holiday/). So, is there a structural difference here - the mil will obviously have a stronger bond with her own daughter than with your daughter and that has to be accepted. And she may feel she can't abandon her if she is a single parent. However, can your son-in-law mention to his sister that the family have noticed a difference in the way the two cousins are treated - she (sister) might never have given it a thought how much her mum does/doesn't do in striking up a relationship. I have two grandchildren living around the corner from me who I see almost every day, do school runs and babysitting when required. I also have one grandchild who lives 350 miles away and see only once every couple of months - nothing I can do about that, but your daughter can - if a word to her sister in law doesn't help, then a word to her mil, and if that doesn't provoke a greater show of affection, then walk away from it. Lots of young mums never see their parents, especially if they've moved away from home to go to uni and met their partners and stayed there.

It would appear that she is very hands on with the 5 yr old as her own daughter is a single mum with a busy professional career hence everything she does, with and for her granddaughter. It could be that all the help she gives her D & GD are quite time consuming and might not even occur to her that the lack of visits to her little grandson are causing this disappointment. I would be inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt by thinking about this differently. Maybe your Daughter & SiL could suggest that everyone has a meal out together as a family....after all these children are cousins and this could lead to a better relationship all round. There are lots of child friendly places to eat at ...this would also be neutral territory so no need to stay too long if you felt it was difficult. Hopefully a bit of give and take on both sides will soon put this right.

I live in a granny annexe, my daughter, her husband and son live in the main house. I am needed constantly to babysit, school runs and also overnight as they go away with their jobs. My 2 sons both have children and live approx an hour drive away so it's not possible to be as hands on with them. They also have no MIL support close by so I often juggle things this end to go and help them both out. I am very sensitive to everyone's feelings, even the other grandchildren " why can't we live with you Nanny like -- does" ? I chat to both sons and their wives about the situation, and I babysit for them as often as they need me. I would hate for any of them to feel any less loved or cared for, so everything is discussed and in the open. I would encourage calm openness here, so that the MIL is fully aware of the hurt she is causing.

I thought my daughter's partner did not want me around. I knew he was violent and abusive but I stood up to him. I thought this was the reason I was kept out the circle. They spent every special day with his family. Eventually that relationship ended and a new relationship started. I watched as that partners family were apparently more important than my daughter's family. The new partner is not violent. I can only assume that my daughter prefers every other mother to me and our family. I gave up and let her get on with it.

Radicalnan, I love your reply. Bibbity, I cant believe your advise, are you a MIL of a son, if you were you might want your son to take the lead but they don't , no matter how much they love their mums. Redjune, please dont suggest that your DD disengages . It would be so hurtful. I urge you and your daughter to put yourself in the MIL's shoes and try to make an effort. As I said before if it doesn't work at least you will have had the satisfaction of trying.

As others have pointed out the arrangement with the (now) 5 year old was in place before the 2year old came along. Personally I wouldn't read anything into this but as there are only so many hours in a day I can see how the grandmother could appear to see the grandchildren differently. This may not be so in actuality- just in the way the care manifests itself.
Also, I would never dream of "dropping in" at my son and daughter in law as she may be busy or find me a nuisance (as I would have done!). This puts her in an awkward position as she is polite and respectful of others. On the other hand, if I drop in at my daughter's and she's busy she will say so outright!
I think she could start by asking if the grandparents would like to spend some time with her little boy and if so when would work?
I'm thinking she may jump at the chance.

Sad when this happens. The problem is as we get older we gave less energy, and I certainly have been able to do for some GC more than others, because of financial and physical limitations of my own. If she is committed to child care for her other GC, she may well be exhausted

That doesn't help you if you are feeling left out.

I would carry on being nice to her after all she is your child's gran and he will want to know her later on.

Life isn't fair. I think you already know that. We don't understand all the decisions that other people make or why but you can't afford to take it too personally. Some mums do feel easier with their daughters than DIL, we see plenty of that on here.

Minimise the upset and take what you can get from this relationship, that may be next to nothing but better than nothing, when you think of it in terms of your child's future.

If one of your kids was brilliantly talented, you would not hold her back because her siblings were not, some kids just find the right match with a family member, it is their good fortune just as good looks or talent may be, you will have your work cut out if you try to even everything up for your boy, life just isn't fair.

He may turn out to be the genius of the family, or a lottery winner, his life does not depend upn her affections, his good fortune is out there waiting to meet him. Time spent dwelling on this is time wasted.

Could gender play a part here? My mil didn't like boys. She favoured her daughter massively over my DH. When our sons were born she was only mildly interested. When our DD was born, she showered her with frilly dresses and jewellery. Luckily the GPs lived 300 miles away and so it was never obvious to our sons. It is sad, but you cannot change those mindsets.

I learnt the hard way to actually bow out. My MIL favours all her other children (three) over my DH, and has done so for years and years, long before I came on the scene. He has never been able to do right for doing wrong, he has tried everything to be on an even keel with the others, but he is the "unsuccesful" son, his jobs have never been good enough, he has never earned as much as the others...and he lives abroad. I could go on with the interminable list of faults.
When I first heard all the stories, I thought he had a bit of a chip on his shoulder, but have lived to see that he is not making it up. I tried desperately to bring him closer to his family, include them in our lives, invite them to visit, and a long list of etceteras, thinking that maybe once he had settled down in their eyes, and with the birth of my youngest, their DGC, things would improve...how wrong could I be.
Finally, I gave up. We visit them once a year because my DD loves them and we want her to have happy memories of her grandparents, and we phone them occasionally, mainly when DD asks to speak to them. It just saves us a lot of heartache.
I am sorry that OP's daughter is going through this, but if she has tried to be friendly and include her MIL to no avail, it might just be best to let it ride. When MIL wants to see her DGC, maybe she will let them know.

He could be a useless son. But again that's not OPs DD problem.

Also no one should ever be rude or fall out.
I'd just advise OPs DD to bow out. Disengage etc.

If MIL doesn't want to nurture a relationship with DIL then the DIL is not obliged to do anything.
There needs no be one bad word. Just two women living their independent lives.