Talking problem

My eldest was exactly the same. I used to dread any neighbours speaking to him, in case they thought he was rude. At one open day, a teacher told me how thrilled she was, because he had actually spoken to her without being prompted. He was 8 and she had been teaching him for almost 2years.

He is in his 40s now and still very reserved. He cannot make small talk. So avoids situations where he will meet lots of strangers. He was quite anxious as a child, but a different personality with people he felt comfortable with.

I would just go with it at the moment but maybe consider something like acting lessons when she is older. This gives children the tools to pretend to be confident.

My son wanted to go into the RAF, and I was concerned about his shyness not allowing him to show his potential. I got a coach for him, who,taught him some amazing body language skills which put him in command of his nervousness. She also said something to him, which has stuck with me till this day.

“Say little, and you will be heard, listen to others and you will be respected”.

Hope this helps.

My dgd was shy at 3 & 4. Now she talks too much at school (7)!!. I believe the change came when we encouraged her in extra curricular activities. She loves rainbows. We enrolled her in a summer performing arts school. She really enjoyed the week but struggled with the performance at the end. We haven't done that again because she found that difficult.

If dgd is managing to make friends I would NOT be overly concerned. Teachers are trained to pick up any potential additional needs. Your daughter can raise it with the teacher at parents evening or via a meeting if they are really concerned. ?

I just was wondering why you say otherwise she is 'surprisingly chatty' perhaps like all protective Grannies you are just reading & worrying a little bit unnecessarily.

ps Adults can be soooo boring

Don't get her labelled fgoodnesss!! Not until you think that there could be more of a problem in other directions.

When I was a child I hated it when 'grown-ups' talked to me unless they were relatives whom I knew well; friends of my mother thought I was extremely shy and quiet and mumbled. I have noticed that very bright, very chatty DGD does the same - except with people she knows very well.

Ignore it, don't for goodness sake get her labelled. She is clever, eccentric and perfectly normal. Perhaps she finds adults talk down to her rather annoying. My son did not speak to anyone until he was a playgroup at 3 years, although my friend used to hear him muttering to himself 'where is she?' whilst waiting for me in his pushchair to go out! He obviously thought I was a bit annoying! I think there is an enormous spectrum of ordinariness and would be totally reluctant to place anyone in a specific place on it.

I was a speech and language therapist before retirement and I had some children with selective mutism on my caseload. They are usually perfectionist children and have picked up at an early stage that their communicative attempts do not conform to adults' standards. This does not necessarily mean that there is a problem with speech per se, although sometimes there is. Whilst it is worth getting professional input if the child's education is suffering, or the child is showing signs of distress, this little girl seems to be at the mild end of the spectrum, and I think that careful management, with no pressure to speak, will probably give her the space to increase her confidence as she matures. However, everyone must be very disciplined about not pressurising her and that includes NOT praising her for speaking (which is very pressurising) as well as not criticising her for failing to do so. I would endorse the advice given for selective mutism on the NHS website which Trisher has given the url for above. If things start to go downhill, get a referral to your local Department of Speech and Language or look on the Royal College of Speech and Language Therapists website for a list of SLTs in private practice. Good luck with your endeavours and DON'T PANIC!

There is a clue here - that she is quite bright. The normal chatter amongst the adults around her appear to be inconsequential to her and not worth her time joining in. She feels superior but is reluctant to show it while still able to join in with her peers whom she does not expect to be above her level whereas she thinks the adults ought to be very much above her. As they appear not to be she probably does not want to be 'told off'' for being superior.

It is also possible that she has some level of Asperger Syndrome so if any family records reveal autism this should be explored.

Forget about it before you turn it into an issue - kids have so many 'issues' these days - the world has gone mad - we're even encouraging them to talk about whether they are comfortable in their biological sex - heaven help us - your GD will develop at her own pace and by the time she's a teenager she will have found her comfortable level in her communication with older people.

I was a very shy child and would hide under the table when people came to visit,I rarely spoke to adults .My mother was concerned but my Granny said the reason I didn't speak was because everybody else spoke for me.As no 3 D in the house the bigger ones would answer questions so I had no need to conquer my shyness .I did eventually grow out of it and although I wouldn't answer questions in front of the class or sing I was happy to speak to the teachers one to one .I guess I was like this until I was maybe 10 .I was never forced to change ,left to do it at my oown pace

What do her teachers say? They are often used to children's different behaviours. A speech therapist may be a better option for help if there is a problem.

I remember my daughter, while out shopping, was spoken to by someone demonstrating something (I forget what) and DD turned to me and asked: "Can I speak to this one?" My advice about not talking to strangers had obviously struck home!

This particular little GD of Patriciaann71 seems to be shy of adults - very common. She will talk to the teachers as they are in a category she feels safe with. Time will probably encourage confidence. We're all different. I was very outgoing and chatty, whereas my brother was the silent type.

My son was so reluctant to speak to school staff his headmaster commented on his report that after 5 terms he should start speaking to staff! He only spoke when necessary but was always polite.
He chatted happily with his siblings and myself but not with his father.
This caused a lot of arguments.
He is now a well rounded 23 year old who has done months of voluntary work overseas in difficult conditions, he studied at a Czech university for 3 years and has a successful career in Prague.
He and his father have a very close relationship.

I had friends with a daughter just like this. I used to babysit and often took the children out but the younger one would not speak although she was fine at home and with other children and her sister. In fact if I was looking after them she would pass messages through her sister if she wanted something. She changed completely when she started secondary school and the teachers could not believe she was the same child that the reports from Primary school were about

patriciaann71 NHS have some very good advice about selective mutism. www.nhs.uk/conditions/selective-mutism/#treating-selective-mutism I too have taught a child who was an elective mute and who never spoke to anyone for most of her first school years. She did go on to successfully manage her condition and succeeded at school. I wonder if your GD would benefit from some calming, stress releasing excersises?

My two nieces were exceptionally quiet up until late teen. Then, overnight they suddenly became sociable, talkative and friendly. Their mother (my sister) never noticed, possibly because they weren’t quiet with her. I have no idea why, but all perfectly normal now.

Don't worry I have similar child in my class and won't speak to me but never shuts up when parents arrive . Seen it all before its selective and she will come around.

I wouldn`t be too worried and not in a rush to get a ASD diagnosis !! I was cripplingly shy as a child and felt `struck dumb` at times , the more that people spoke to me the more difficult it was to answer . I wonder if I would have been diagnosed as on the autistic spectrum if I hadn`t had a sensible Mother . I am still fairly shy now and better one to one than in a group .

The trouble with some adults is that they ask all the wrong questions.

Does she chat at home or is she silent there?

Frankly, these days, I would worry more if a child that age chatted happily to strange grown-ups, than is being selective about who she speaks to.

I don't think you need to worry. She is obviously answering her teacher, when asked direct questions and is talkative with her class-mates, so I think this will sort itself out as long as no one makes an issue out of it.

Your granddaughter doesn't appear to have a speech and language problem . If she persists in refusing to speak to adults in an environment where she seems happy and flourishing, the school will undoubtedly flag it up, and her parents should certainly raise it at the next parents' meeting.
If it is a problem that occurs more outside the home, it sounds like a control issue: hers.

Ooh, this takes me back! I remember how crippling shyness is. I wouldn't talk to adults or older children if I didn't have to. I would answer questions if they were directed at me, but I wouldn't put my hand up in class, even if I knew the answer. I was okay with parents and grandparents, but other adults, no. As I advanced, I developed coping strategies, and managed in secondary school. It wasn't until I was in the workplace that I lost my shyness.

I agree with all the advice above. Some young children who don't speak in school have a very cautious nature, not necessarily scared. They just need to weigh up what everyone else is saying or doing.
In time they will give their opinion.

As a child I was extremely shy and a selective mute in certain situations. It didn’t help that I had an extremely confident and gregarious mother who tried to persuade, cajole, encourage me to speak to people in all sorts of situations. I remember the feeling, the more she pushed, of being simply unable to get any words out of my mouth. I think she often interpreted it as me ‘being awkward’ but it was the most horrible feeling and completely beyond my control. I gradually grew out of it but I never lost my shyness until much later. It reared its horrible head again on one occasion in secondary school when a teacher asked me to read something - for some reason I had the same helpless feeling and the more I tried the more I felt unable to form any words. The rest of the class thought I was being deliberately insolent, and actually saw me as some kind of perverse hero (it was a very strict school). To this day my toes curl with embarrassment when I remember that incident. .

Please be kind and gentle with your DGD. This is not within her control, she is not doing it deliberately to wind anyone up, and she is probably very unhappy about it. If all else seems well I’m sure she will grow out of it in her own time, but this will happen more easily if the adults around her do not put pressure on her and do not draw attention to it.. I feel for her.

G23,

I'm thinking that it might be that the adults around the child have an expectations problem.