Asperger's Grandson!

Hilda,Has your grandson got a pediatric consultant,if not I think he needs one.there are so many sides to autism that bring diffrent problems that a pediatric consultant could help from educational to support.
My daughter has complex problems although not the same and I thinking what helped us.
Your daughter can refer her son herself to be assessed Education, Health and Care Plan (formally statement of special needs)
It is not easy and I went to tribunal many times to secure the help and funding for my daughter but things have improved.Once your grandson has this plan he and your daughter will have access to so much help and support.Ipsea is wonderful at providing support for parents through this process also.Good Luck.
www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk/understanding-autism/education/statements-and-education-health-and-care-plans
www.ipsea.org.uk/

It sounds like you’re feeling a bit more settled about it all. Your daughter is fortunate to have you as a sounding board, we never stop being their mum do we....with all the angst that sometimes comes with that job! I hope she’s able to access the right support services in the new year. Best wishes for a happy Christmas x

What good news particularly at Christmas.
She obviously needed to offload everything to you and maybe that helped to relieve some of the stress so that she could deal with it.
She is lucky to have you to think things through with and it is good to know that she is seeking the right help. It will obviously still be difficult but getting the right support should make it manageable. Best wishes.

Glad that you are feeling happier about the situation, but do hope that you will persist in persuading your daughter to make an appointment with a paediatric consultant. Presumably if she is claiming Disability Living Allowance, the children, and most importantly their needs, will be assessed, and they will receive help. Her present actions are not improving the situation for them.

Have a cool Yule!

hope that you ....
not fat finger, just tired brain!

I'm pleased to hear that hildajenni and that you all have a Happy Christmas or Yule, whichever you celebrate).

Glad to hear, some progress is being made.
I hope the situation improves and much needed support is forthcoming.

Thanks for the update hildajenniJ. Please pop back from time to time and let us know how it goes.

DH and I are going to tea. (Fat finger syndrome). ??

UPDATE: DD is feeling much better. Her friend, with a son on the autism spectrum, has helped her fill in the DLA forms, so they are done. After Christmas she is going to push for an appointment with the paediatric specialist, and also for an appointment with CAMHS.
Tonight she is having a small party, with just some very good friends, to celebrate Yule. Tomorrow DH and Instead going to tea,sand see the children open their gifts (if they can wait that long).
Thank you for all the support and advice, we are all feeling much more positive.

Your DD took all children out of school as she thought teaching them at home would be best but now thinks DGS1 needs what used to be called a statement of special needs. I have foster child who has many issues and could not cope at school after assessment he now goes to special school where he is now making progress and the teachers have special training in how to manage such behaviour. Go to GP, ask for urgent appointment with CAMHS and also contact LA about assessment by ed psych with a view to attending special school. Once DGS1 is sorted your DD will find it easier to manage other children. I know how having one child with special needs impacts on whole family and she is lone parent for much of time. It must be so hard for her. Could she find a better school for other children as home-schooling children can be so time consuming and draining.

Someone needs to be allocated to work in this house full time each day, before some tragedy occurs. I wouldn't like to see the day when the poor mother finally snaps.

I'm so sad for your family reading this post.
As Bluebelle has said, your poor daughter must be on her knees and worrying what the future holds.
I know the present is the priority, but as the children develop they will need strategies in the future for coping in society, when there there are no parents nor family to take care of them.
I remember a child I worked with who needed tremendous support. She was, at the insistence of her parents, in a mainstream school, which was totally unsuitable for her needs. There were two fantastic special needs schools nearby, but her mother resisted any offers support, until eventually, she realised when the child was twelve, both she and her daughter's physical , emotional and mental wellbeing were suffering and that she could not provide her with the necessary skills she needed for for adulthood and possibly independent living. Her other child was also suffering, as the mum was devoting all her time to her daughter.
It was the best decision she ever made. Not only did the family receive emotional and financial support, the mum went to college and then onto university, training to become a teacher.

So all four children have either ADHD or various autism diagnosis (plus food allergies) and you say they are all very different How can one person ( your lovely daughter) possibly help all of them while her husband works away for long periods of time so day and night ... it’s impossible Hildaj
I don’t think one child should be singled and taken out of the family equation I think they should all have outside help, be it better schools who can understand them and their ways or more help coming into the house so they can be separated in the home for parts of the day If they are all very different how can they be taught together
Your poor daughter must be on her knees I can’t imagine managing one day she must be a super woman to have got this far get help for ALL the children as soon as possible

Has GS1 been tested for ADHD. My GS1 is ASD and ADHD and has found life so much easier now he's on medication for the ADHD. Previously he would never have coped with the run up to Christmas without major melt downs at school.

I worked for a while in the adoption service. One of the things the S/Ws looked for in prospective adopters was their willingness to ask for help - of course they would need help with the often challenging children they were in the process of adopting.

It should be seen as a strength, not a weakness to be able to see when help is needed and be willing to ask for it.

actually the best course is social services. the last thing social workers want to do is remove children from their homes. They will know what resources are available locally to support you and to provide respite care. The other children are suffering too, and she really needs to take that step

Thanks lizzy67 for your post. It's good to hear from someone who has lived with the reality of siblings whose specific needs dominate family life.

hildaj, I don't seek to criticise your daughter who is clearly a loving and devoted mother, when I say it feels to me as though she is determined that he can do so much better for her children than statutory services like education and social care. I don't dispute that services aren't perfect but in so many cases, neither are the alternatives. I do hope your daughter and her family can reach some arrangements with statutory agencies. They will want to support her and will recognise the pressures on her.

hildajenni I do think that if your daughter becomes ill through the stress of all of this - coping with the four children and home schooling them - then everyone will suffer.
Please persuade her to seek help - that is not giving in, it is acknowledging that you she is not Wonder Woman, just a human being, a mum who is doing her best and will continue to do so even when others are helping too.

I can't understand why the school did not get him assessed for suitability for special education at a much younger age. I work in a children's nursery now and we highlight cases we have concerns about even at that early stage. I started my career in the 1970s working in a special school so have been in the field of education for a long time.

Neither do I understand why a parent would take their children out of school to home school them when they can't control them or do not want to seek GP or other help. Sorry, I don't think there's been much co-operation going on here because you say your daughter doesn't want her parenting skills questioned. I'm afraid I've found from experience of working with children and adults with special needs and challenging behaviour for over 40 years is that people who say that often do need their parenting skills questioned. If there's nothing to hide then you don't say that and you use any many services as you can muster to help you.

I think there needs to be some honesty here or there will be no progress at all and no one will be helped.

My nephew went to a special boarding school though I was never told quite why, but he is on the autistic / dispraxic spectrum and can be very difficult to live with though he does not have Tourettes. At the time I imagined that my sister-in-law just needed a complete break to try and manage. Your daughter should remember that Social Services don't have all the answers (I know this well as a retired teacher) it may be that her child's local council are already trying to help with next steps... if not she may wish to discuss this with them. My sister-in-law refused most avenues too as it meant accepting that she couldn't sort things herself... and that is absolutely understandable, but if your daughter is to continue coping with her situation she may have to come to terms with "letting go of some of her privacy"... not sure if that term is the right one...? I can only imagine what you are going through at the moment and my thoughts and best wishes are with you and your daughter at this time.

Hi, I am the eldest of 6 kids. One has Aspberger's and that was very difficult for the rest of us growing up. The youngest has full-blown Autism, and believe me, that is far far worse. This is from a sibling's POV. My mother bought me a handful of cards for me to send to my autistic brother every month. Ok. BUT I was in my teens. This kid had never looked at me, acknowledged me, smiled, even blinked at me. Why would I send him a card? I know that sounds dreadful, but the cards put just more pressure on me to 'care for him' when I hadn't given birth to him, and had spent my life studying and helping out with the latest live-birth. I simply couldn't do it. Eventually he was put into residential care on the Wirral as he had kicked my mother on the leg and burst her varicose veins. This was after putting his head through the glass of a bookcase, which came after breaking a window on boxing day. (A plate glass window, I might add). He acknowledged none of us. Trying to be nice was a waste of time. Us kids simply couldn't understand our parents. Living with these two boys was embarrassing when we had friends round, frustrating because we couldn't ever do anything we would have liked, and because we were always charged with looking after one or the other of them, yes, we did come to resent it.
Eventually both boys went into care. The difference was unbelievable. Their care-givers are very special people who understand them. The boys are happy. We all visit them and take them out. Everybody's life-style is pleasant now. My mother suffered agonies putting them 'away.' But it wasn't really like that. They are happy and well cared for. We can all go and see them and take them out any time we like, which we do. It has all worked out. Please please tell your daughter to look at this. Things can and do get better. And when I say that my brothers are 'in care' I mean they are in sheltered accommodation provided the the Autistic Society and it is paid for by Social Services. I hope your daughter can try this. She is not on her own, and things can, and do, get better. Good luck

I'm of no help to you and your family as I live in Belgium and the situation and possibilities are different here. I think that your friends here on Gransnet are right to say that GP and social services really have seen it all and won't question your daughter's parenting skills or motherly love. Me too I think she should take that step, and who knows? Maybe she'll call you right away and say : mom, I should've done this ages ago! Your family needs help, and there are persons out there who cán help. It's not too late, it's never too late! I wish you strenght and send you all the love I have!

Quite apart from getting professional help with your eldest grandson and I hope getting him into a school for special needs children, could you perhaps persuade your daughter to find a school for the other children, as well?

I gather she is home schooling them, but perhaps I am wrong about that. If she is home schooling them, I feel however well qualified she is to do so, and please don't think I intend any criticism of her, I feel this might not be the best thing, as I am sure both your daughter and your younger grandchildren need time away from the poor little boy with asperges and tourettes.

However much you love them, these children can drive you nuts, and obviously this is what is happening right now in your family. It is hard on everyone including the younger children in the family.

I hope you all manage to find a good solution and as some of the others have said the excitement of Christmas being nearly here, does tend to make things worse, rather than better, as children with asperges do need structure and any and all deviations has them throwing fits, as you know only too well.