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No feelings for 1st grandchild

(20 Posts)
BlueBelle Wed 31-Jan-18 17:41:16

I can totally understand how you are feeling GrannyT just a thought but is your son definitely the father? It does sound as if it was a very brief on/off ‘ bit of fun’ I wonder why she ended it when she found out she was pregnant ? Plus the fact your son feels no connection to the baby which of course could be the situation making him feel like that but it could also be an inner thing of not knowing if the little lad is actually his baby

Bridgeit Wed 31-Jan-18 17:08:17

GranntT, thanks for giving us the background & I do hope it hasn’t upset you more in doing that. I do so feel for your predicament ( which seems to becoming parr for the course these days)
It is no wonder that you feel as you do, I think it is subconsciously possible for our brains to try to protect us from hurtful situations & you are in the position of not knowing how much contact you will have with your grandchild. If & when you do have more chance to be involved I’m sure your bonding feelings will surface, wishing you well, don’t give up.

Ilovecheese Wed 31-Jan-18 16:51:06

You are in a difficult situation grannyT2017
I wonder if you are unconsciously protecting yourself by not getting too fond of the baby, because you fear you will not have a long term relationship with him or her, and don't want to be too hurt.
p.s. four times in ninety minutes is not unusual when breastfeeding.

M0nica Wed 31-Jan-18 15:43:50

Reading the background, GrannyT I am not surprised you are finding it difficult to feel anything for your first GC.

MY DS and DDiL were married, had had to leave forming a family until quite late and all of us wee over the moon when we knew a baby was expected. But when she was born, although I was excited by becoming a grandmother, I didn't immediately feel any bond with the baby.

Possibly because DGD was a 'screamer' and I was so tied up with worrying about DS, and especially DDiL, pacing the floor all night and feeding all day, both exhausted, that DGD was, initially, more a disrupter of family life than a blessing, but within 6 months, DGD had calmed down (a bit), life on all fronts was easier and she just became part of the family as loved as everyone else and like most grandparents I had reached the stage of being besotted by her

She is now 10, coming to stay for half term and I cannot wait to have her with us for a week.

Your circumstances are difficult GrannyT, I am not surprised you feel as you do.

GrannyT2017 Wed 31-Jan-18 14:34:08

Thanks for all replies - I guess I feel a bit better that so many don't see it as a real problem....
Bridgeit - background.... Where do you want me to start? Lol! The baby is a result of my youngest DS (21) and a girl he'd known for a very brief time. They weren't together as such (the youth of today don't conduct relationships as we did!) and didn't even really know if they liked each other never mind were ready to have a baby together!
She ended it quite quickly after she discovered the pregnancy. She said she was keeping baby and it was up to him if he wanted to be involved or not and she didn't mind either way. To his credit he stepped up and said he'd be involved.
The rest of the pregnancy was spent meeting up every couple of weeks making plans, eg; joint residency, then her changing her mind and telling him he should walk away. I tried to build a relationship with her but she's hard work!
She'd do dumb stuff like telling DS baby was asleep every time he asked if he could feel the bump! She let him attend the 12 and 20 week scans but nothing else. She'd said he could be at the birth, said I could be in there too - then called us to hospital when it was time and told the midwife we couldn't go in so DS didn't see his DS until he was about 90mins old...
DS has seen the baby daily since then but only at her house with her there and all he can do is cuddle him and change an occasional nappy cos she's feeding him herself so he travels from work to her house and in the 90 mins he's there she can feed the baby 4 times!!! (in my opinion she's just feeding him whenever he makes a noise and she refuses to use a dummy) DS says he doesn't feel any connection to the baby, says its just like visiting a mate that's had a baby cos all he does is cuddle him like visitors do.... Such a sad situation cos he was so excited that he was gonna be a dad and now he's heartbroken about how he feels about the baby.
Bet you wished you hadn't asked for background now! Lol!

Chewbacca Tue 30-Jan-18 21:55:21

I've never been interested in babies, including my own; and I worried that I wouldn't bond or love DS properly. But by the time he was 9 or 10 months old and getting a bit more independent, I became besotted. When my first GC was on the way, I again was worried that I wouldn't in the least bit interested; not at all looking forward to being a GP. And for the first few months I just pretended to be interested, to be honest. But by the time GD was 9 or 10 months old and showing interest in the world; I bonded more and more with her and now we have a wonderful and close relationship. GS is just at the age that im starting to feel more relaxed with him, and he with me. So don't fret GrannyT, it's early days and your bonding hasn't even begun yet. Come back in a few months and tell us how you've got on - I think you'll surprise yourself.

judypark Tue 30-Jan-18 21:51:02

GrannyT, please don't worry about it. Many of us are just not hard wired to fall instantly in love with a new little person just because they share our gene pool.
I have 4 DGC and it wasn't until each reached about 3 months plus and would interact and smile with me that I felt any connection with them. I was more concerned that both my daughters had safe deliveries and healthy babies.
You will build relationship with your grandchild as you get to know him/her as in any relationship in life.
Not all of us on here are full on gushing grannies.

Bridgeit Tue 30-Jan-18 21:48:01

Any chance you can give us a bit more background .? GrannyT

lemongrove Tue 30-Jan-18 21:22:11

It isn’t your baby, so don’t feel bad about it.Not everybody is a baby person anyway.He/She will soon grow and become a little person.Just smile and say the baby is gorgeous.

TerriBull Tue 30-Jan-18 21:14:58

I agree with others sometimes it takes a little while. I remember my granddaugher's first recognition smile when she saw me, about 8 weeks or so, I think that's when it hit me how much I loved her. I didn't feel quite that way when she was a newborn.

MissAdventure Tue 30-Jan-18 21:09:20

Babies take ages to grow on me, if at all. I like them at around 12 years old, I think.

SpringyChicken Tue 30-Jan-18 20:43:36

He/she will grow on you, give yourself time. Once the baby becomes a little person, you'll be smitten.

Marydoll Tue 30-Jan-18 20:42:05

It will come and when it does....you won't know what has hit you.
Just pretend until it does.

MargaretX Tue 30-Jan-18 20:30:27

It must be upsetting for you but hang in there and pretend for a while. It will catch you one day and its like being in love. It will come, try not to worry.

BlueBelle Tue 30-Jan-18 20:01:34

You are normal to many you will learn to love some people don’t feel that rush don’t worry and don’t push yourself or feel critical
💐

Eglantine21 Tue 30-Jan-18 19:29:35

We're not all baby people that feel an overwhelming "rush" for that tiny helpless being.
Don't worry. It will come.

I never believed in love at first sight....

jenpax Tue 30-Jan-18 19:28:41

Love will grow don’t worry. it’s harder with DGC as you haven’t carried them for 9months but once you spend time with the baby it will come

Ilovecheese Tue 30-Jan-18 19:22:49

Pretend

Mamissimo Tue 30-Jan-18 19:18:15

I had trouble bonding with one of my identical twins and my mother suggested that we needed to learn each other and that I should try sitting quietly with them when they were awake and maintaining eye contact. My dollop and I studied each other very carefully and I began to see the personality in there. She obviously did so to and I was the first person she smiled at....or I like to think so. We’ve never looked back and I think we have a deep understanding. Anyway, I learned to love her in those quiet moments. It will come. Go gaze!

GrannyT2017 Tue 30-Jan-18 19:10:58

I feel nothing for my new (5weeks old) grandchild.... Any advice?