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A Question of Loyalty

(25 Posts)
PeggyEm Sat 17-Feb-18 11:21:59

I have been staying with my two GD's this last half term week while my daughter was in America with her job. The eldest (who is 13) let it slip that she knew the code that her mum had put on a particular series on Netflix which she didn't want GD to watch. It's a teen programme for 15 and above and although it caused constant aggravation when GD kept asking my daughter for the code, daughter wouldn't remove it and said GD could watch it when she was 14 (in August) After GD inadvertently told me that she knew the code and had been watching the banned series, she made me promise not to tell her mum. What do I do? I obviously respect my daughter's rules but GD's trust in me will be broken if I "snitch" on her as I know there will be repercussions for GD if her mum finds out she's been deceiving her and GD will know it was I who told her mum. Have any other grans been in this dilemma and if so, how did you solve it?

NanaandGrampy Sat 17-Feb-18 11:33:06

That’s a tough call for you and I understand you’re torn but you are the ‘parent’ and I think you have to respect your daughters wishes and tell her .

The message to your grand daughter would be one of ‘ lying to get your own way is fine’ and I’m sure that’s not what you think. As parents we all have to do the ‘right’ thing as opposed to being a mate .

Good luck!

Bridgeit Sat 17-Feb-18 11:36:40

I think you should tell your granddaughter that you are not comfortable with the situation & that you feel bad about going against your daughters rules & that you won’t be condoning it again. It is up to her if she continues to take her chances ( which I’m think many young people would) plus in 6mths see is going to be allowed the code, so presumably she hasn’t had access to anything really doggie.You sound like a lovely Gran🙂

OldMeg Sat 17-Feb-18 11:37:47

Your GD had no right to expect to to collude with her to deceive. Tell her so in no uncertain terms.

OldMeg Sat 17-Feb-18 11:40:18

I’d further suggest that she tell her mother herself that she knows the code and has used it. She needs to learn a few morals now while she is still young. What she has done is not earth shatteringly bad, but asking you to cover up takes it to a whole new dimension.

Get her to feed up.

OldMeg Sat 17-Feb-18 11:40:48

Get her to fess up.

OldMeg Sat 17-Feb-18 11:42:14

Also she needs to learn that being honest and telling the truth isn’t ‘snitching’ - horrible word and horrible when used as a weapon.

maryeliza54 Sat 17-Feb-18 11:47:41

I agree with OM tell her to tell her mother but that if she doesn’t, you will, and the consequences will be worse. Your DD deserves to be able to trust you and your dgd deserves some suitable punishment- I know what mine would be

Greenfinch Sat 17-Feb-18 11:52:39

If you have already promised ,tell her that you have re considered the situation and allow her a few days to tell her mother herself.After that time you will be free to discuss it with your daughter who must take some responsibility for allowing the code to be revealed.

Luckygirl Sat 17-Feb-18 11:58:43

Discuss it with GD. Tell her that you value honesty and respect, and that her Mum has taken this action in her interests as she loves her and wants to protect her. Tell her you feel very uncomfortable about this situation and ask HER what you should do about it. Say that you do not want to break a confidence from her, but also do not want to pretend to her Mum that you do not know about this.

See what she comes up with - hopefully you can lead her to talking with her Mum about it herself.

She cannot tell you this and then leave you with the dilemma - she is old enough to take ownership of what she has done and to think seriously about the position she has put you in. If you "snitch" to her Mum, you are essentially dong something behind her back, just as she has done something behind her Mum's back. So....better to reinforce the lesson that what she has done is wrong and that you do not also want to do something that feels wrong - and that is it down to HER to look at how to solve this.

cornergran Sat 17-Feb-18 11:58:48

Yes, if she can be supported to tell her Mum in a quiet way (once Mum is home) it would help her to mature and also show her Mum that actually she can be trusted. She knows the code - so Mum hadn't been that careful about hiding it - did give in to temptation (understandable) but also realises she shouldn't have done it. It all sounds typical for her age. I think if I were you I would be asking for her assurance she won't access the series again while you are in charge, remind her that she is putting you in a very difficult position, that you want to support her but equally you were also given the same instruction about the series and that it is her Mum's decision to make. If you can just chat in a light way, rather than sound heavy handed, it should be fine. If for no other reason than with luck your granddaughter won't want you to be 'in trouble' with her Mum. I woner if there is peer pressure at work here, is it an 'all my friends watch it' belief? Peer pressure is a powerful thing. By telling you she knows the code your granddaughter seems to be testing her boundaries with you, best not to collude with her. Good luck!

merlotgran Sat 17-Feb-18 12:16:11

Don't risk upsetting your daughter. Your granddaughter is being deceitful and you won't gain anything by colluding with her.

Explain to your DGD that she has put you in a difficult position so unless she admits to her mother that she has watched the programme against her wishes you will have no option but to tell her yourself.

maryeliza54 Sat 17-Feb-18 12:23:41

Tell dgd that you were very very wrong to make the promise you did - you did set a dreadful example.

Smithy Sat 17-Feb-18 13:29:17

I think cornergran's reply us spot on, Peggyem and would follow her advice if it was me. You can't expect a 13 year old to act like an adult.

toscalily Sat 17-Feb-18 13:56:12

Sensible advise from various sources. I agree it is quite possibly due to peer pressure, with others talking at school about this series your granddaughter probably does not want to feel left out. I think you should explain that this situation puts you in a difficult position and she is really expecting you to collude with her in this against her mothers wishes. Try and persuade her to confess what she has done when her mother returns. She is doing what teenagers do, pushing the boundaries but what you really want for her is to act responsibly. Go gently, as she grows up she may need to confide in you again and you do not want to alienate her at this tender age.

BlueBelle Sat 17-Feb-18 14:14:55

This one is easy to give the answer to, but not so easy to carry out Of course I know the right answer but can also totally see where you and the granddaughter are coming from We have all done sneaky things when we were young
It would put your granddaughter at a huge social disadvantage ( that we never were put under) to not be watching what all her friends are watching I don’t think we have an idea of how hard it is not to be in the in crowd now
I would definitely encourage her to tell her mum herself (although her mum will probably take back the 14 year old promise) but I would not tell on her unless directly asked
Those teenage programmes on Netflix are watched by all the kids now I know my granddaughters ( cousins not sisters) have both been watching the last year + and theyre not 15 yet, they are the equivalent of the high school crush books we used to read I guess Not as bad as DH Lawrence that was going round when I was similar age

maryeliza54 Sat 17-Feb-18 14:42:07

I really think that the issue about the programme content is irrelevant - or about peer pressure- it’s about basic honesty and moral values and colluding with a child who you have a responsibility to protect from herself and a dd to whom you owe loyalty and respect when she entrusts her children to you.

trisher Sat 17-Feb-18 14:57:03

You shouldn't have promised not to tell the mum. That said you could just tell your daughter and explain what has happened perhaps asking her to find another excuse to change the code,. Or your DD could just change it without telling your GD and say she'd messed up so had to change it. You could point out to your DD your difficulties and how this could work to all your advantages if your GD is convinced she has someone she can confide in safely.

maryeliza54 Sat 17-Feb-18 15:03:46

trisher I’m speechless.

trisher Sat 17-Feb-18 15:12:19

Years ago my mum was told in confidence by her GD that she was truanting from school. My mum told her dad and advised him not to say how he found out. He was able to do that and stopped the truanting. My mum retained the GD's confidence and was able to help with many of her problems, but GD was safe and the truanting was stopped. Sometimes it's best to be practical and less moral.

PeggyEm Sat 17-Feb-18 17:19:40

Thank you all. You are right about the peer pressure, apparently all her group watch it but she is the youngest in the group - the other friends are 14 already. I’ve had a long chat with GD and she has agreed to confess when her mum comes home. She didn’t realise what a difficult position I was in so hopefully a lesson learned there! I have told her that by doing the right thing it will have a better outcome than if her mum caught her watching it. It may even result in her mum re-considering to allow her to watch it. ( I’ve had a look at the programme and it’s not that bad, actually) Advised GD not to tell her the minute mum arrives home (tomorrow) but I’ve given her 3 days to own up. I feel this is the right solution and I am not so worried about the situation now.

Greenfinch Sat 17-Feb-18 17:23:57

Well done Peggy.I am glad you are feeling better about it.

OldMeg Sat 17-Feb-18 18:26:30

Good result Peggy

cornergran Sat 17-Feb-18 18:38:47

Sounds good peggy, I suspect you will both feel better about it now. Flipping peer pressure, it’s a nightmare.

petra Mon 19-Feb-18 14:55:48

That's just the way my daughter and i would sort it.
My granddaughter confides in me all the time.