Single grandparenting

I would contact Winston’s Wish. They are a charity who look after bereaved children. They have literature you can read and also books. I would also speak to your daughter about how she would like to handle it.

My GCs maternal Grandmother is very ill and is in an out of hospital. They have been very honest with the children and my GS does occasionally have a few tears and says he does not want her to die. My son and DiL feel this is best for their family . When he is with uswe are trying to keep the explanations as simple as possible.

Singlegrannie - I don't think it harms your GD that you are sad when you remember your DH, but please sit down with your daughter and tell her what you have said to the little one, as she will probably ask her mother about her granddad too.

Marmarclaire, I would personally not try to explain suicide to small children, just say that your father died when your children were little. I don't know how old your grandchildren are now. If they are old enough to understand that a grown-up can be so depressed that the kill themselves, or so ill in another way that they choose that way out of an intolerable situation, then that is a different matter, and it is probably better to tell them the truth.

I had an aunt who committed suicide when I was about nine. My parents told me that Auntie K had been so unhappy that she had killed herself, but did not give more details than that. Looking back, I don't remember being very distressed, but then I hardly knew her as my mother and that aunt did not get on. I do remember wondering at the time, why they did not just tell me she had died.

I agree with other posters, honesty is always best, done gently with your love and your sadness in full view is perfectly fine and will teach your grandchildren that it’s OK to feel and to show emotion.

Tell the truth and do say he died. Dont use words such as passed away etc. Young children accept the truth and are very resilient.

My first husband died in a car accident when my children were four and five. I explained this by saying that most toys would last a long time, but sometimes there was an accident and the toy was broken. This had happened to Daddy and he had gone to Heaven. I had to explain the accident over and over as a bedtime story, but they seemed to accept it. Now my second husband has died, and the two granddaughters seem to accept the Granddad is up on a cloud watching them. They have even drawn pictures of this. I think children are very resilient and come to understand death as they get older, and perhaps have pets.

I never had any problem with it whatsoever other than the inner sadness that my H never met the GC he longed for. I think they 'found out' about him by doing a kind of verbal family tree in the process of the 'Granny is Mummy's Mummy' process. Children are so natural in their questions and so interesting in how they respond. It may sometimes be with a shrug and off to the next toy or a subsequent question. I well remember one of my GC asking me a very difficult and painful question. I answered and steeled myself for the obvious supplementary. She paused for a minute, looked thoughtful and then cheerily said 'OK then' and skipped away over the grass of the park we were in. Her Mum squeezed my arm lovingly and on we went with our day. Children are delightfully (sometimes scarily) unpredictable but I would always be as honest with them as I could.

Singlegrannie, my dh died 12 years ago too and we didn't have GC either but I have 3 now. I, and my daughters have been honest and open all the way. There are photographs out and we refer to him quite a lot in general conversation. The children are very matter of fact and ask questions about his life too knowing that they cannot see him in person. Just be honest, mine enjoy stories about him and love to see pictures of happy times, you may be surprised how you could enjoy sharing these moments too. Good luck. X

Has anyone got any advice on explaining suicide? My father killed himself when my children were little and I know their children will be asking about their great grandad they never met one day cx

Singlegrannie I do think it is difficult. I think you should tell your GD that you find it difficult to talk about him. Children do understand, But I know it is very hard sometimes to explain your feelings to a child. I am a single GP in a different position-divorced many years ago. My GD sees my ex (her grandad) and started asking me questions about him the other day. It took me by surprise and I am afraid I changed the subject I am currently thinking it through and hoping I can be more honest with her next time. I think we want our GCs to live happy and carefree lives and don't want to upset them, but it is amazing how resilient children are and once she knows that it upsets you she may well show less interest and understand.

Its not unfortunate though, to get upset when talking about a loved one who has died.
You can explain this, too.
Perhaps your granddaughter senses your reluctance to speak, and that fuels her interest.
Just explain that you can't see somebody who has died because they aren't here anymore, but you can look at a photo, or think of them.

Nannarose, thank you.I agree with all you say but I wondered whether she is still a little too young to talk about him. Unfortunately I can still get upset after 12 years . We are not a religious family.

Yes, they are matter of fact. After I explained that he was very nice but that he couldn't be around any more because he died, she then asked when she could see him. I think it's me getting upset that's the problem, I don't want her to see that ! I changed subject and distracted her with something else

My 'take it or leave it' advice:
Absolutely tell the truth. Use the word 'died'. Be prepared for questions to come up at odd times. Acknowledge your sadness, and say how much you wish he could have met them, and how happy they make you.
You can use photos & little anecdotes from your childhood to talk about your own parents and GPs, so they get the idea. When I talk about my GPs & G-GPs, my GC will say things like 'are they dead' 'were you sad?' and I will say that I remember them and the things I learned from them.
If you ask at your library, they will point you in the direction of suitable books - you may or may not wish to share them with your GCs, but they will give you ideas about what words to use.
I don't know if it's still about, but I loved Clare Rayner's book about how your body works. John Burningham's Grandpa is lovely (but the little girl did know her grandpa so may not be suitable for your situation) and I love The Snowman for very young children as an introduction to loss. I also thought that the recent film of Going on a Bear Hunt referred to loss in a gentle way.
I would add that personally I think religion and spirituality can be used if you or the family believe, but not otherwise.
Don't get too bogged down in explaining - keep it simple and children will take what they can. As long as you appear open, they will ask again.

I agree that children are very matter-of-fact about these things at that age. My DGD asked my how old I was and when I told her she said "Hmmm - I expect you will die soon."

I think you should just tell her and then answer any follow up questions with as much/little detail as seems appropriate.

How lovely that you have your DGC nearby to enjoy.

Yes, I have told the truth, but 3 year olds don't understand death, and more questions follow which are very difficult to answer.

I would just tell the truth, in very simple terms.
Children are quite matter of fact at that age, and death is a fact, however awful it is to face up to.