Son in law’s parents.

gummybears my granny ..my only surviving GP lived with us ...well my parents lived with her for 10 years before I was born and then when we got our own house she moved in with us .She was a massive part of my life ,a true inspiration and although she died over 40 years ago I still miss her and think about her daily.Today is her birthday ..she was born in 1888 and we were talking about all the changes she lived to see..a man on the moon being one of them and how much life has changed since she died .Today I will raise a glass to her ...a nice claret as that was her favourite .I hope my GC have even a fraction of the happy memories I have of my granny

Not asking this to stir things up (promise) but you ladies have that GP perspective I don't.

Do you think grandparents now have an expectation to be much more involved than in the past because so many of you provide childcare etc?

Thinking back, I saw one of my grannies about once a month, and the other one maybe once a year. I don't feel any lack and tbh I would not liked to have seen any more of them, either at the time or in retrospect. One of them is a dear wee soul so its not an animosity issue and I am neutral about the other. My grandfathers died during my childhood but that was not a significant event for me. This was about as often as I remember my other wee friends saw their GPs, so it wasn't just us.

I ask because it seems that the number one cause of strife mentioned on both sides of the GP/adult children dynamic is tha that GPs feel they should see the GC a lot more than the adult children either expect or facilitate. I also see a lot of emphasis being placed on a bond of love between GPs and GC when my own experience (and recollection of others experiences) was that we were not much bothered about them. I recall only one occasion in my whole time at school when a child was visibly upset by the loss of a grandparent. Is this also a change brought about by the change in GP role as they are now much more likely to be viewed as caregivers by the wee people and therefore declip that caregiver bond?

I personally feel we as a couple are under huge pressure to produce the kids for visits much more frequently than certainly my own parents produced us for visits with our GPs, and I am just wondering whether there has been some cultural shift in expectations. The GPs never have our kids (with the occasional exception of my dad) so they don't have that caregiver identification.

Mostly just a ramble that is passing through my mind during colouring in time!!

I only have sons but it does seem to me that sometimes the mothers of daughters expect to be special people in their lives for ever. I'm not saying it doesn't and shouldn't happen just that perhaps they shoud examine their relationship with their daughter just as they expect mothers to do with their sons, and that none of our off spring benefit if what we create is a person unable to survive without our constant support, or unable to build a proper relationship with their partner because of a mum interfering. As for grandparents if you are near then be involved by all means but take a step back sometimes and leave space for the long distance GPs to spend time with their GCs without you around (and that applies if your a mum's or dad's parents.

When my daughter was born and dying my lovely MIL said"never mind the next one will be a boy" awful thing to say and said directly to me so not a lie.However I realised she was stuck for something to say under difficult circumstances and although I never forgot it I didn't hld it against her .As luck would have it the first surviving baby was another girl...ans she had to wait another 10 years for that all important boy.BUT she loves them to the moon and back and thats all that matters .A balloon is hardly the crime of the century ..and they may well not have taken in how ill the mum was ...many people dont think there are dangers in childbirth nowadays because its never talked about ..they dont think babies die either ...even tiny prems are expected to live and be fine.We need to educate about the number of deaths around birth its still an issue ,just one nobody wants to hear .

If the mother has recovered and the baby is flourishing, this couple need to grow up, stand on their own feet and make their own lives, and stop discussing everything with the determined -to -be -top granny.
It was a congratulations balloon, for goodness sake.

It's insensitive. Who's brain completely bypasses that the new mom has contracted sepsis, could possibly die but goes out to buy balloons anyway and brings them into intensive care!

Well, surely if the husband was seething then that's his issue to deal with?!
It was a balloon, not a bomb!

Imagine sat there in intensive care watching your wife hooked up to machines because of sepsis.
Thinking you could lose your wife. Your baby could lose her mom and your MIL could lose a daughter. What should of been one of the happiest day of your life is going to turn into hell for 48 hours, and then having your mom walk into intensive care with balloons!!

I'd be seething!

Nightowl I agree - good advice!

It was a balloon! Just a balloon! Did anyone say to them "don't bring a balloon"???? The hospital staff said they couldn't take it in, job done. Goodness me I wish someone had turned up with anything at all when I had my DS tbh, and yes, I was ill.
Anyway I've said my piece more than once and will finish with a message to OP - be careful what you wish for, don't get yourself too involved in another families issues (being you SIL & DD, they are a family in their own right) and be careful with what could end up being estrangement as that would be so so sad for the child. Children first. All GP's should be equal.

How is turning up with a balloon a lovely thing to do when the baby’s mother is gravely ill in intensive care? Turn up to support your son, turn up with empathy and a shoulder to cry on for your fellow gran, but just for a while forget your excitement at becoming grandparents, remember there are others who are beside themselves with worry and at least pretend you care about your DIL.

I would find it very difficult to forgive anyone who showed such a lack of feeling for my daughter. I would try though, in the interests of future relationships and in the hope that people can change. This is something the DD and SIL have to sort out and I would try to remain as neutral as possible or at least keep my feelings to myself.

Oswin you don't know both sides of the story, no-one does. The OP has asked for opinions but then doesn't like them if they differ from what she wants to hear. I have had things said about me in the past and I have been unfairly judged on the basis of someone elses version of events, so I am always wary of hearing one sided stories. I think that the OP obviously doesn't like the paternal gp's and even their obvious joy at the birth was, according to her, wrong - bringing a balloon was actually lovely and they didn't know it wouldn't be allowed. I also think the OP needs to calm down and stop being so involved in any issues that her adult daughter may have with her pil. Step away from the situation and let this baby have the happy relationship with all its Granparents it deserves and has the right to. As others have said there are enough estranged families already, don't encourage another one. There are two sides to every story.

Doesn’t mean you have to judge people though. If someone asked me what do you think of x and I didn’t know them I wouldn’t comment on whether they’re wrong or not. We know it’s a forum to chat .

No one would be able to advise at all on forums if we had to hear both sides. Some posters only refuse to believe the Op if the mans parents are behaving badly. Funny that.

That the nature of forums. You advise on what the Op presents to you.
Your posts make it seem like the Op is doing something to push away the pil. Why do you believe that. The Op is just wanting to talk about a stressful situation. She isnt doing anything.

Oswin we haven’t heard both sides of the story so I don’t know if that’s the whole truth. It’s best not to judge too much unless you’ve heard both sides. That’s what iam trying to get across. I don’t know the full truth but neither do you. What if her sil suddenly changes his behaviour and blames his mil for losing his parents. Everyone is fickle and it would be better if she kept out of any arguments her sil has with his parents. It’s best to just enjoy her time with her grandchildren and keep out of family feuds. No one ever comes out the winner in the end

Sandy this is not just people not behaving right. This is people behaving downright disgusting.
I find the insistance to find fault in the Op odd. Shes just worried about her child.
If a mil was posting this i think the replies would have been very different.
They need to listen to what there son is saying and behaving themselves. They behaving like the daughter is just a vessel to produce their grandchild. Ive met people like these parents, who admit that the mother is just an obstacle to the baby. No care for her.

Jennymolly I understand people don’t always behave 100%right but who does? Also the problem is we don’t know the full truth and even if we did is it really ok to condemn and judge someone else if it doesn’t effect us personally? The thing to remember in all this is the children and how arguing and hostility in the family affects them. From my experience it only causes long term unhappiness and upset. It’s best to try and bring both parties together and hopefully they can resolve their differences.

Sandym8 these other grandparents have behaved despicably in the past and continue to do so now causing distress to the new parents. This is very obviously to the detriment of the baby as well. I fail to see how these selfish and disturbing people should be accommodated beyond the bare necessities. They have been asked to stop their stress causing behaviour but apparently have continued.

Jennymolly not a very helpful post to encourage separation. How do the grandchildren fit into your scenario. As you don’t know all the facts and before .
you say it neither do I .isn’t it best to encourage togetherness.
Yearoff invite your in laws to a Sunday dinner and try and be friends with them. Don’t get involved with your sil problems . It will probably backfire as nobody’s perfect

Yearoff, I'm so sorry yourDD and SiL have had such a medically and emotionally difficult start to their baby's life. I think some people have been quite harsh in their replies. Of course there are two sides to everything but the in laws sound as if they have always been very difficult and controlling. Sepsis is life threatening and your DDs safety and health was paramount. You have behaved impeccably in very difficult times. The in laws have behaved despicable. They are unlikely to improve with time and have consistently behaved beyond badly culminating in their atrocious behaviour at the birth. I would keep to the moral highground which will highlight just what a great granny, mother and MiL you are. It sounds as if you SiL has their measure and has possibly had enough.

Radicalnan. I’m not fighting with anyone. Just clarifying my post. I doubt very much if I’ll be on here in 5 years asking why no one is speaking to me and that I don’t see my GC. You look like you want a fight as that wasn’t a nice thing to say to anyone and you’re right you don’t know me. I did ask for opinions and I got them. I didn’t ask for personal attacks on me. Fortunately your opinion is one I’m going to dismiss! Sorry if you are offended. I’ve found the responses to my post very useful.

Yearoff I don’t think your sil should slag off his parents to you either and it would be best that you don’t allow him to do that. He should sort out his own problems with his parents without dragging you into it. Imagine how you would feel if you found out your daughter slagged you off to sil parents. Think only of how the children would feel only put yourself in their shoes.

Some people are impossible. Being the voice of reason and holding ones tongue is hard but worth it in the longe run. I would put up with anything for the sake of my sons.

Year off, you are rowing with several people who you asked for independant opinions to help you.

I feel your pain, but I also feel for you family, I haven't met you and feel as if you want to fight!!!

Other people do have different points of view, you have to live with that and stop upping the ante........let go or be dragged, everything does not revolve around you. The balloon was just their happiness on display, ill timed maybe but they are every bit as entitled to be happy and relieved as you are.

I am not a betting woman but I suspect you will be back on here within 5 years, asking us all why it is nobody talks to you and you don't see the GC. Tread softly.