Death of other granny

Sorry for all the typos.

Hi. Sorry for your family's loss. My daughters (aged 14and 10) experienced bereavement for the first time recently when we list my husband's best friend to cancer. They have each reacted very differently. Both have needed time to cry, talk and have cuddles. The younger one said she didn't want her dad to see her upset because he was already so sad. The older one wanted to talk about death/end of life, afterlife - not easy but I think better out than in. I just wanted to say to you to be there/be present or for your g/c. You can help them to grieve and to understand that griefsuggestioba is normal and hard. Also, it might be hard for your DiL/son to know what help to ask for - maybe you could make specific suggestions e.g. Have the children over forctea after school, have everyone over for lunch at the weekend.... Hope this helps.

I only suggested sending flowers and a note because, from the OP, it sounded as if the relationship is a rather distant one.

I agree - go round asap with flowers and a hug and offers of whatever help is needed.

I think I'd appreciate contact quite soon after it happened if it was me.

Anyway I came on here to recommend a picture book for children about death and dying. I used to sell children's books and this one is excellent. ..Always and Forever by Debi Gliori.

Fox dies. His friends go through all the stages of grief ....not eating, not wanting to go out. Squirrel comes round and talks about him and all the things he liked. Then they make a special area in the garden to remember him.

" He will be in our hearts forever "

Go and see her! (The idea of sending flowers or a letter, is kind and thoughtful - but for a neighbour or distant friend, not for a family member.) You say you love your DIL, so just go!

Even if you've had problems in the past, put them aside and give her a cuddle - she'll need it at this difficult time. (And, of course, offers of help.)

Sometimes, we don't do the right thing at the right time, and live to always regret it.

Don't let that happen to you! Do your best, as you would for any of your children, and let her know that you are there for her. (And for your son, and the grandchildren.) You won't go far wrong!

Good luck.

Please don't wait for a couple of days before contacting your DiL. Let her know you are thinking of her and want to help. Can I also say that having worked with primary age children for 30 years (and I still am) children are definitely NOT resilient. They need lots of love, patience and honest explanation relative to their level of understanding. It can take up to 2 years for children to show signs of bereavement. They will need you around at this sad time.

Thank you all for the advice - I really appreciate it. I shall go round in a couple of days with flowers and a card .. and a huge hug for my daughter-in-law. Bluegal, I have been overthinking .. have a marked tendency to do that !!! Will now concentrate on son, daughter-in-law and granddaughters. Thanks again.

My SIL mum died when she was 64 ten years ago. He was new to my family and my grandson was just 18 months old. His father died when he was a child! He has a sister but they tend NOT to get on! I let him know I was available to my daughter and him for baby-sitting and/or anything g at any time. They did call upon me to help as he was struggling personally as he was angry at his mum for the manner of her death...as he saw her smoking related cancer to be self inflicted and had been angry at her for a long time . It was all very stressful for him AND my daughter. Just be there for this family of which you are such an important part.As time goes on you will become a great support and being the only nanna you must always speak kindly to the little girls about their other nan....they will drawer closer to you because you speak kindly about her. Be brave for them all, they are going to need you more than ever. Good luck.

Finding it difficult to relate to the situation you are describing. If it was my family I'd already be round there with an offer to provide whatever support they require. Is your relationship with your DIL perhaps a little edgy? Can't think of what else would be holding you back.

I think you should write to her saying more or less what you have told us. That you are worried that you do not know what to say or do to help. That you were shocked by the news of the death, even although you knew you DIL's mother was ill and that you will help in any way you can, but are afraid to seem pushy.

And do please ask exactly what they have told the children.

Sorry for your loss.

Keep in touch regularly. Give them a ring just to ask how they are, is there anything you can do etc. I'm sure they'll ask you if they need anything as long as they know you are there for them.

At the moment, they have a lot to deal with.

It's time to live just in the moment. Go and see her - with open arms and ready to do anything she needs, whether its taking the kids off her hands and out of the house, doing some cooking, cleaning, anything.

Send flowers. The gesture is almost universally appreciated after the initial shock wears off.

If DIL would prefer the children not to be at the funeral, offer via your son to take care of them that day. Children don’t attend funerals in my family and having someone to babysit that day can be difficult to find. The deceased deserve your respect, but the living still need your help.

Likewise, speak to son and offer help with meals etc. Make these offers via him as he will naturally be less upset than DIL herself. Make a quick call to her of just a few moments to express your condolences and share your affection for her. Make her a blanket offer of help so if she does want to ask son to ask you for something, it will be easier on her.

Stick strictly to whatever story son and DIL choose to tell the children about what happened to grandma. It may not be a traditionally religious one, but as the parents they have have the right to handle this as they see fit.

Just show your love for them all in whatever way feels right. I'm wondering if you relationship with dil is a little difficult if you feel in need of advice from others before you feel comfortable with comforting them.

I’d go round with some meals prepared. Daughter in Law won’t know what’s hit her and any practical help would be really useful. Be honest with the girls. Grandma has died, she not gone away, she’s not gone to sleep, she is longer here but that doesn’t mean we cannot talk about her , love her and think about the reasons we love and miss her so much. Children do need the opportunity to grieve. Don’t be afraid to let them see your tears.

Practical help such as taking a meal round that can be popped in the oven or home made cake or biscuits are usually helpful when people have a lot to do .

Maybe it’s just me, but if you live in the same town and have even a reasonable relationship, why don’t you just go and see her. Give her a big hug even if you wouldn’t normally do that, take flowers, a card, offer whatever practical help she wants, take the children out for tea etc. I’m not a very demonstrative person but have really appreciated when I’ve been given a hug in difficult situations

Children are very resilient. When my husband died they just asked "why" I told them and they were satisfied and have happy memories

I would think that your GC may now be worried about losing you. I would want to see them to reassure them that you won’t be leaving them for a very long time. You have a role to play in helping your DS and DiL at this difficult time. Don’t wait until the funeral.

You could write your DIL a note (and send flowers too) to say you know how devastated she must be and how sorry you are, offering to do anything she wants - there will be a lot to sort out and I'm sure your help will be welcome with your DGD.

I know our DIL was devastated when her father died but her mother was still around to sort out a lot of the details. Is your DIL's father still alive or will your DIL have to do everything herself?

As for talking to your DGD, then ask your son and DIL for advice on how they are explaining it all to them and follow their wishes.

Adrisco. I think you are possibly overthinking. Your DIL will be destraught at the loss of her Mum but will not resent you for still being here!

Go to the funeral. Support in any way needed. No right or wrong way to act other than offering your help x

If you can afford it, send your DiL flowers. Flowers show love and support without the danger of words being the wrong ones.

I realise my previous post sounded cold!
We were in daily contact with my DIL, DS and DGCs and could be supportive in a practical way entertaining the DGCs.
But writing seemed more personal and she hopefully could re read the content and take some comfort from the words.
I also sat with the DGCs when the funeral took place and let them lead the conversation as they wished.

Write to her, just a short, handwritten note. She will appreciate it, especially as you describe a warm relationship with her. I know these things helped me tremendously when my dad died. Offer help, and let her get back to you xxx

Go with your heart.
If you have a good relationship with your DIL your sympathy will be welcomed and an open ended offer of any help she would like will surely be warmly received.
Bear in mind the family will be in shock, so remember to make allowances if you do not hear from them as quickly as you might hope, be patient, warm and loving.