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Should I move back to the UK?

(20 Posts)
Nicola7722 Sat 28-Jul-18 16:21:03

I know they say that kids should not move countries too often but was wondering whether in my case the situation is different.

A few months ago I was living in the UK where my daughter was born 7 yrs ago. I had to move back home to my family in Sicily where I have all the support but quality of life is not as good.

I had to leave as due to serious mental issues my ex was becoming dangerous and would have found me wherever I moved within the UK . I do have his family there but I was still isolated as did not have friends.

My question is when my daughter is a bit older say 12/13 (so she won't need full time childcare) would it be ok to move back to uk to make a new life (away from my ex but hoping he would have sought treatment by then) there provided I can find work and afford the accommodation?

I feel very sorry for her grandparents in the UK who miss her so much even though they were the ones who first advised me to 'go back home' given that their son was not treating us well. Same as me they did everything to help their son get the professional help he needed but he refused and they are heart-broken over it.

Any advice appreciated.

sodapop Sat 28-Jul-18 16:45:01

There is quite a time gap there Nicola you are talking another five years in the future.
A great deal depends on how things are with your husband by then. Hopefully he will have received treatment and things will have improved. You will need support and financial advice before making a decision. I hope things work out well for you both.

Nonnie Sat 28-Jul-18 16:48:39

No point in thinking that far ahead.

BlueBelle Sat 28-Jul-18 17:04:39

I don’t think anyone can answer this for you Nicola it’s all so personal only you know how ill your ex is, how much danger you were in, and so many unknowns if I can get a job if I can get accommodation and if my ex has sought help (which he may not have) and again you ll be there with no friends no support no company except your daughter Surely the support you have in Sicily from your family and your daughter presumably has grandparents cousins maybe and extended family must outweigh any living conditions

Can you not keep contact with the in laws without giving away your location
As Nonnie says you can’t know now what will happen in five years time I hope you can settle down and enjoy your life as it is for now then maybe rethink when your daughter is older Hope things go well for you

Eloethan Sat 28-Jul-18 17:05:39

I agree it's too far ahead. Presumably your daughter will by that time be quite settled in Sicily and close to your relatives there. It will, I think, very much depend on how you feel in five years' time - and how your daughter feels - about uprooting. And, of course how affordable and practical it would be to return to the UK.

If it's possible, can you not just keep up the relationship with her UK gradparents by writing letters/e-mails/Skyping/occasionally visiting (or perhaps they could visit you occasionally)?

I'm sorry this has been such a sad and unsettling time for you both (and for you in-laws of course) and hope life will now be better for you.

Nicola7722 Sat 28-Jul-18 17:13:34

Yes I am in touch with the grandparents via email and send photos regularly. They all miss her a lot and hoping they will visit soon as I cannot go over to them given the situation

Nonnie Sat 28-Jul-18 17:36:38

If you are not British you may not be eligible to return to the UK in 5 years. Perhaps you should give that some thought.

Nicola7722 Sat 28-Jul-18 18:13:11

Both myelf and my daughter have British passports

Nicola7722 Sat 28-Jul-18 18:13:33


Niobe Sat 28-Jul-18 18:23:29

Well in that case unless you both have dual British/ Italian citizenship you may have to return to Britain after Brexit. You need to keep a close tab on what your situation will be if Britain leaves the EU without a deal.

Nicola7722 Sun 29-Jul-18 10:10:11

Yes we both have dual citizenship. As others replied there would still be major issues to consider such as education, how well my daughter would settle, support, affordability etc...not an easy decision to make.

BlueBelle Sun 29-Jul-18 11:03:51

Nicola you don’t have to answer if you don’t want but I was just wondering why you don’t feel settled with your own family and in your own area you say quality of life is not good do you mean you live in poverty or there are no jobs or what actually ? I ve never been to Sicily so don’t have much to go on I guess the weathers better for a start Has your daughter settled to life there or is she yearning for her old life and friends she grew up with ?

Allygran1 Sun 29-Jul-18 13:26:55

Nicola why are you asking this question? Are you unhappy in Sicily? Your life at the moment might seem restricted, and a bit lonely, even though your ex was abusive, some people prefer someone to no one, and that is a dangerous option. Given some time, the future will unfold and look better, and who knows a better life, other relationships, good ones. Another poster said something very sensible I think, and that is don't think that far ahead. As for the other grandparents in the UK, send them photo's but don't tell them where you are living if they don't know, your ex might get hold of the address and you do not want that for yourself or your daughter.
Good luck to you and don't give in to your fear's enjoy the day, each day and being in the midst of your family. As with all families you will most likely have ups and down's, but you are safe, as is your child. Make the most of what you have and that isn't as I am sure you know, always material things.

Nicola7722 Sun 29-Jul-18 14:30:22

Thanks for your advice Allygran1. It is not that I am unhappy, but I had left Sicily for a better life in the UK for a reason (namely because Sicily was so small) and was living in UK for over ten years so bound to miss it.

No the material things are definitely not everything and safety is more important.

I will try and take one day at a time.

PamelaJ1 Sun 29-Jul-18 14:37:13

I lived in quite a few countries as I was growing up, doesn’t seen to have done me much harm.
Keep up her english language skills so that if you do decide to return she will find it easier.
Can’t you meet your in laws in a third country or even in the U.K. in a holiday cottage?

Nicola7722 Sun 29-Jul-18 15:33:00

Hi PamelaJ1. They only go to Spain on holidays, but they said they will visit us soon hopefully next year.

They know I am back living at home so they know where to find us so don't want to put any pressure on them. Their kids (my daughter's aunties) would like to visit us too)

Chewbacca Sun 29-Jul-18 15:52:04

You should also possibly bear in mind that by the time your daughter is 12/13, she will be of any age to be at high school or comprehensive school and she will have largely lost touch with her friends that she had in the UK after a 5 year absence. I'm not sure how you can plan for 5 years into the future with so many variables to consider.

Diana54 Sun 29-Jul-18 16:31:44

On balance, as you have dual nationality stay in Italy where you have become established, make sure English skills are kept up, encourage relations to visit Sicily and take reciprocal holidays in England. Forget Brexit, workable travel regulations will be found, live where you are happy and have support.

gunsway Fri 31-Aug-18 12:18:15

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OldMeg Sat 01-Sep-18 07:27:35

Yes, forget scaremongering posts about Brexit. I’m sorry you felt so afraid of your ex that you had to leave the country. Personally I’d stay where you are, safe with your own family.