Grandchild sees my home as a bolthole

Move the son out and your granddaughter in PLEASE. She needs stability now before it is too late.

Going into school with an aggressive attitude will solve nothing; to be fair to them they cannot work with your grand daughter if she is not physically attending school.
Make an appointment to see the special needs coordinator and ask what happened to the people who were supposed to be visiting her at home, and why they have not seen you. Then arrange times and places for a visit; the court summons for non-attendance may well galvanise an investigation into your grand daughter's problems; attend the hearing with your son and make sure your voice is heard.
Your son should certainly be taking a stronger role in his daughters' upbringing, despite his ill-health; it seems as though both parents are offloading the responsibility for this troubled girl on to you. Push hard to get a social worker, who will advise you about payments, housing etc, and tell your son to get himself on the housing list immediately, as you are not going to be able to cope with this uncertain situation indefinitely.

Oh what a sad sad story Linday that brought tears to my eyes As you say you did everything you could and lost your son through it but it must break your heart Perhaps he will wake up one day and realise he can do better for himself and the,ember the love and support he got from you when he needed it x

We took on my oldest grandsons when he was 10. He had come to us every weekend and holidays from birth. My son split from his mother when he was 7. When he was 9 he went to live with my son and new wife. My son worked away and She was your disney stepmother. Made his life hell made big difference between him and her daughter. When he told me at 11 it would be easy to hang yourself I stepped in and took him to live with me. 10 years down the line My son hasn't spoken to me since. He started going to visit his mother at weekends at 16 and moved back in with her when he was 17 she had let him stay out allnight drinking and his life has gone to hell. He wanted to join the army but Has now got a criminal record so no chance of that. I could weep but at 17 there was nothing we could do to stop him. At least we know we were there when he was an unhappy child and gave him the best time we could.

Do you have to put a stop between every word
Who’s that aimed at and what does it mean Gabrielle as I was the post ahead of you and didn’t put any stops between words I m totally perplexed

You said I think many of you are missing the point the house has only TWO BEDROOMS well as you didn’t mention anything about sofas and sons I can’t quite why you would think I was able to mind read

This young woman is extremely vulnerable and some people with an agenda will seek to exploit her. Sit down calmly with your son and formulate a plan.

There is one other solution that I don't see mentioned, if you are already in social housing ask them for a house swap with 3 bedrooms, you never know.

I know it's going to be a lot of trouble now but when this girl gets safe, secure and loved she will change, attend school and return to a normal life

Sorry Cardzk I now see it is your son’s DD. What does he have to say about the situation?

I would not hesitate if my GD was having difficulties at home but then I am a bit of lame-duck saver. Two of my daughter’s teenage friends and one of my son’s friends ‘left home’ and turned up on my doorstep seeking sanctuary.

I set the boundaries that they could only stay if they rang their parents immediately to let them know where they were and that they were safe for the night, and then talk things over with their parents in the morning.

Maybe you should invite your daughter to discuss with you and GD what is going wrong at home and if GD cannot return perhaps your daughter would chip in the cost of feeding GD. The local authority sometimes engage tutors for children who are not attending school for one reason or another, could you home-school her until she gets her confidence back? It might be a good idea to see if GD can get an appointment with an ed-psyche. TBH I would be really worried, and if you turn her away, have you considered that a desperate child may take drastic steps to end their misery?

I took my neighbour in when his friend decided he wanted to sell the house in which he was renting a room, and had nowhere else to go - but that’s another story!

BlueBelle
I read some but not all posts and I would have thought that any sensible GN would have thought to put the son on the sofa and GD in the bedroom without me having to mention it.
I can imagine how difficult the OP is finding it, an unemployed son who'd only be receiving the bare minimum in benefits as he's living with his mother and a disturbed GD who needs careful and discreet channelling so that she stays on the right path. It seems a heck of a lot of responsibility for the OP to have on her shoulders when she has little money to spare and at a time in her life when she needs to take care of her own needs.
I totally agree with your last paragraph and hope to goodness that nothing taints her journey through to full adulthood.

In your 2nd post you say she is scared of sleeping on the bedsettee but "Both girls stay here every other weekend and she's fine as long as her sister is in the same room." So you have the other GD sometimes. So much to cope with in a 2 bedroom house. Would the GD feel safer sleeping upstairs and her father downstairs. I know my daughter felt unsafe sleeping alone in the front bedroom of our bungalow. Does the GS ever stay?

The school seem to be getting the blame for everything and you don't seem to see past the original bullying.

Their seems to have been alot going on in this child's life since then and it is the parents who are are failing the child. Social Services may help by working with the family. Your GD does have a proper home but she doesn't want to live there because of ?bullying and ?other problems and your home is her bolt hole. So what she needs is help living in her own home and by you saying you will take her in you are letting the parents off the hook and making problems for yourself. But at the moment it is important your GD is welcomed at your home .

Has her father tried to take her to the GP and a referral to The Children's Mental Health, CAMHS team might help your GD. The family do need some professional help so the parents can find a way to help your GD/.

I realise you must be very tired and at your wits end with all these people's problems landing on you. I hope sharing your problem on gransnet will help you see this is not only your problem and you are doing your utmost to help. Money worries especially for a pensioner don't help.

Do you have to put a stop between every word?

Gabriella if you read the other posts many people have said put the son on the sofa and the granddaughter in the bedroom She’s frightened by herself downstairs on the sofa he’s a man he needs to look after his daughter in whatever way he can and making sure she has a safe sleeping place is paramount I feel cross that this Dad whether well or working or not is not seeming to give much support to either his daughter or his mother

Let’s be quite clear this girl is crying out for love she wears makeup and does her eyebrows to try desperately to fit in with her friends and to hide her fear behind, she is absolutely the sort of child that an older boy or man would hone in on and promise her love and a feeling of belonging, a groomer would see as a godsend

Whilst no one would want to go back to the ‘old days’, (good or bad) many families were brought up in 2 bed room accommodation.
Whilst it’s not ideal you could put bunk beds in one room for Grandad and son and then granny and granddaughter share a room. As I said not ideal, but I’d live in a tent to care for any of my GCs in similar a situation.

So sad to read by had a teenager o think a.lot.of us need boltholes, I know.I did.amd.had.aunty and uncle to visit all.the time when the.arguing got.too !much.at.home.
I also had a grandma who lived a bit further away where I used to
Stay with, without doubt.she was my saviour and best friend, we.only pat her 3 years.ago aged 93.
Your.granddaughter is.reaching out.to you and.her.dad.and.needs help,this !maybe.just a temporary.situation and she needs.support from those closest,feel honoured that.she.considers you close.enough.to.confide in.
As.for not.being able.to afford.to.feed.her, could.your son.not contribute.a.little !more towards.the.food?
The make up is.just normal 14 year of phase, my neice.and her friends look.about.17 when going.mcdonalds at.the weekend.
Good luck.with.everything t things will.get.better. XX

She is your grandchild for goodness sake and obviously she needs you right now. Do what you can to help her.

I would take any of my 'kids' in but the grandkids would have to come first- at one point years ago i had myself& 5 of my kids and then took in my eldest sons girlfriend and their newborn son as well for almost a year till they got on their feet for a place of their own.we had 3(1 of them tiny)bedrooms& a dining room but still it was a squash.but you do what you have to dont you to help your own.i dont know if your all desparate or selfish but if it was me id help my grandaughter and MAKE her father do more than try sort school out.He also could visit her mother and try help her im sure shes quite desparate too- not just ' useless' as other poster put- she sounds overwhelmed by it all to me.maybe he could try build bridges between girl& her mum? Whatever he does he needs to help as her parent.if i were HIS mum id give him a shake& make him see sense!

I personally could never turn any of mine away, and have changed my own plans to accommodate them at times. The fact that she sees you as the place to turn to, is such a positive, and you could possibly help shape a good future for her. There is help out there, home schooling, finance advice, counselling etc but it would be catastrophic at her age to shun her, goodness only knows what she would then get in to. I agree with others, let your son sleep downstairs, make her welcome etc or could he get a flat for them both ? It’s probably not on your life plan, however, none of us know what’s round the next corner, and being a parent/grandparent for me is dealing with anything that life throws at you, as a united front. I wish you well ...

We are in this sort of situation now. My adopted daughter has had long term problems and has a huge amount of support for many years. Her youngest d now living with dad permanently,16 year old with us. She has spent big chunks of her childhood with us so we have a good relationship. She has been bullied at home and school and is very anxious frightened. As she is almost 17 she has not been placed with us formally by Social Services although she is likely to be with us for some years, hopefully getting back into fulltime education. Neither she or us, both pensioners, get any financial support and have an 80 mile trip to college, 20 mile there and back twice a day. We have applied for child support, but there doesn't seem to be any support for grandparent carers. It has been very hard but there wasn't any choice really. Good to hear about others in similar situations.

Yes her dad is with you yet hasnt he offered you any money extra for her keep?does he pay his own way?in which case why would he not offer you more as well for her? Also if her mums still getting child benefit(or not) for her then her father as hes there too can apply for that as shes at yours(or you can but ring for advice to DWP)Also you can ask(if dads not working- or on low wage) for money from child tax credit office for her- its all do-able,and maybe your son can have the sofa for now to let her have the bed?with a view to him getting a place for them both in near future? He doesnt seem to be doing much for her either- though you speak of her mum" washing her hands of her"- perhaps thats how her mother sees your son returning to you as? Him washing his hands of them all&their whole problems?and that now shes overwhelmed and that he could 'do his bit' for the girl?which of course he should.Ask him to help take the strain not just move back in his old room like a teenager,but to take responsibility.for his daughter and the whole situation.This girl needs help or she wouldnt have come to you(both) would she?

I think many of you are missing the point. the house has only 2 bedrooms, where would the OPs grandchild sleep? A 2 bed house probably has only one living space and the OP would have no extra bed/ bedding and what about extra costs for washing and baths/showers etc.
She might apply for child benefit to be awarded to her instead of the mother but that wouldn't offset costs. Does the OP have a husband at home? That would make for a crowded house.
Would she out her son out? He's not vulnerable so would be way down the housing list. Is father working? He could rent privately but would daughter go with him? Maybe he likes pleasing himself more than having to look after his daughter.
I feel heartily sorry for this child, it must be terrible to feel that no-one wants you especially a parent. I wish I knew them as I'd give her a room myself. It's heartbreaking.

Please please do not let your grandchild know your feelings .This is a vulnerable young lady who will grow into a vulnerable adult and I dread to think of the consequences. Your son has responsibilities, is he man or mouse ? If you are finding it financially difficult to cope GD must comes first so involve social services let them decide who needs help.

This is a very difficult problem and it sounds to me that life wasn’t all that easy for you before this all blew up.
YourDGD should be her parents responsibility but they seem to be incapable of helping her although your son seems to be trying. No mention of her other grandparents, are they approachable?
However, she’s 14 and needs all the help that she can get and if you are the only person available then the brutal truth is that it has to be you. I am sure that like most of us on GN we would do whatever we could for our GC.
Move her into her own space and put her dad on the sofa bed. Is there a school on your side of the town or have you exhausted the changing schools option?
Schools can be reluctant to tackle bullying as it goes against them in all those inspections they have to go through. My DS ended up borrowing money to send her DD to a private school for 2 years when she got nowhere with the local school. She tried to change to a different state school but that wasn’t possible. She is no shrinking violet and has held a very responsible position in the services so if she couldn’t find a way round the problem with the school then I’m sure it was pretty impossible.
Have you tried the Citizens advice bureau or your local MP?
Get the social services involved.
You all need help, I hope you get it. It’s like a lot of things these days though, you get the help, care etc. that you fight for.

I do not think the council would rehouse a single man. Unless he had care of both his daughters he would be low priority.

You could also contact Family Services though suspect they may be involved. Not sure why school is getting so much of the "blame" when clearly neither parent is able to provide emotional support for their child.

I am sorry your son has COPD but that really is no reason for him to not be looking after his daughter, and helping you especially as he doesn’t work instead of blaming the school and the mother (which both sound pretty useless) look to him to take some of the load off your shoulders
My heart breaks for this poor child, no one wants her in reality do they, you love her but feel unable to offer her enough and the rest don’t seem to care or just find her a nuicence
She is crying out for help she’s frightened 14 is a blooming tough time even with a strong family back up, she’s been bullied she’s had little support She has a useless mum, you’re trying but don’t know where to turn please get professional help before this poor lass gets sucked into some group, drugs, crime, or even groomed
You re the only one left to help her, she needs you but you can’t do it alone get help please