Daughter in law problems

You probably need to speak to your DiL about not having the baby when she is ill, as you are quite right she should be at home. Apart from that, you need to steer clear of the other issues. It is up to them how they spend their money. I would also refrain from giving them any more as this rarely solves anything, just perpetuates things and in the end contributes to poor financial decisions. Set up a savings account for the grandchild and contribute to that as perhaps a uni fund. Then leave them to manage their own affairs.

I think you need to talk to your son and point out that you asked not to have your grandchild if she was unwell because your immune system is compromised, which of course means that any and all infections are potentially more dangerous for you than for other people.

Please, please, stay right out of any discussion about your DIL or how the young couple are spending money, unless and until your son comes right out, off his own bat and asks for advice.

Likewise whether or not they have more children is entirely their own concern. I do appreciate that you are worried that another baby would be a very bad thing when your DIL is so ill, but again, it is entirely up to them.

IMO you will be justified, if they do have another child ,in pointing out that you are happy to look after one grandchild at a time, but not both of them at once, if you feel that would be too tiring for you.

It sounds to me as if your DIL certainly cannot be expected to do her own cleaning. I have tried bending with a violent tummy upset and, I assure you, it is not a wise thing to do. With her condition, house-cleaning is out of the question, and cooking might well pose a health hazard to those who ate anything she cooked.

If you get tired of hearing your son moan about money, ask him how serious the problem is, and offer to help him make out a budget, something many young people have no idea how to do, but please, don't criticise his wife, I'm sure you remember, as I do, how mad it made you when your mother criticised your husband.

After reading,my instinct would be say NO.
I’m sorry if I am offending anyone here. I know what UC is and have seen people suffer with it and how in the name can you or would you contemplate having another child?
Honestly is this your DIL giving a name to a condition that she can hand over her responsibilities to another, get sympathy. Your DIL sounds to me, that she needs an electric zapper up her rear end, she is a lazy cow. I bet she diagnosed herself. Her own parents aren’t very close to their daughter, maybe step outside the box and ask why?
By all means your son needs some support, forget the money and tell you son you love having your grandchild but can we say just once a fortnight now is my availability. You and your husband have done the child rearing, it’s your time to step back and enjoy the rest of your life, no sit there and be the babysitter. You must stand up for yourself, while ever you keep doing this, means the next child will also be accompanying the present one to your home. Do you feel that this stage in your life, you or hubby could handle having 2 grandchildren. Tell your son, NO, it is his responsibility not yours. I wouldn’t even discuss with your DIL unless your son is present. She probably has postnatal depression or maybe she is a clever manipulative cow

Dont get involved with any domestic situation.

Wil you be happy to look after TWO GC if she has another child?
What foolishness. Another child after a 'difficult' first birth + UC and one less income. More cleaning, higher nursery fees, more work for aging GPs.
Sheer madness. I'd say no, loud and clear.
If you give in, don't moan when it becomes too much.

Can I just say having post natal depression and being " a lazy cow" are in no way connected and kimrus your post has been reported.

sorry " manipulative cow"

Did the DiL have UC before meeting the OP's son and did she work, or is this a recent devlopment? Maybe she doesn't want to see a doctor because she doesn't have UC. Has the son, when talking to his mother, corroborated his wife's illness?
She sounds a lazy madam.

I wonder if DIL really has ulcerative colitis, because I find it hard to believe that she is not seeing a doctor if she has got it - perhaps it is a milder, but still debilitating form of stomach upset, but if so, would still benefit from her seeking medical advice. At one time I had some sort of colitis which meant I had to frequently dash to the loo, and could never venture far from one, I lost 2 stone in a few months, was very weepy and tired. The cause was an accumulation of stress and was sorted by a) from GP a mild anti depressant for six weeks and b) from a naturopath - avoidance of wheat and dairy certain and taking slippery elm (there is a modern equivalent to that based on aloe vera which I sometimes use if the problem comes back). I don’t know if either would have worked without the other, except that if I find myself heading in that direction again I find b) does keep it at bay.
I wonder how DIL copes on the three days when she has the child? because once the baby is mobile you need eyes in the back of your head, and while she is rushing off to the loo and sitting there for any length of time anything can happen, unless she either puts the baby in a playpen or takes her with her into the bathroom?
It sounds like this girl is in desperate need of a mother figure’s advice and comfort plus a visit to the doctor, if she won’t do the latter, I would begin to wonder how genuine it all is.

Bit harsh Kimrus and GG . Ulcerative colitis is a difficult and often embarrassing condition. Some people can manage the symptoms others struggle.
Whilst I have every sympathy with your daughter in law des you are not in good health either and need to take care. You need to talk honestly with your family about their expectations of you and what you feel you can actually manage.

WowKimrus glad you weren't my MIL when I had UC.She used to come an do my ironing and let me have afternoons in bed to recuperate ...you know SUPPORT me .Is that an alien concept to you?

des , I too have a compromised immune system and understand your apprehension. It might be worth pointing out that bringing your GD to you might result in an illness that would prevent you from undertaking child-care for some considerable time.

GD to you when she is poorly

What lovely sound advice you have all given! I had chronic IBS fiercely both children and became acrophobia for a time due to my fear of having an "accident" in the street if there wasn't a loo nearby... you sound like wonderful grandparents who support DIL well - just as my inlaws did and I was and am forever grateful to them for being there during that awful time. It was a couple of years before it all calmed down and I could function normally again and would have been longer without their kind support. Keep up the good work but get her to a doctor who can help with the symptoms .

You agreed to take G one day a week (unless G was ill), so It's up to DS to sort things out when there's a problem, either leaving G at home with DiL or taking a day off work, remind him of your compromised immune system if necessary. He should also be insisting his wife see a doctor. If you gave the family the money as a gift- forget it as its nothing to do with you once you hand a gift over. We all try to step up and help our families as much as possible, but maybe too much help isn't always best for the young family to grow and develop. When her DiL told my friend she was expecting a 2nd baby, my friend explained she loved looking after her G one day a week but would be unable to cope with 2 children.

If it was me, I’m close enough to my sons to be able to discuss any issues calmly and non judgementally. They would know that anything I raised would be out of love and concern, not criticism as we all have very different views on how we live our lives. Is your son happy, is he happy with every aspect of this way of life ? He is the only one who can ultimately control this scenario. If money is tight cutbacks have to be made, its a harsh fact of life and problems have to be balanced with practicality ... no one should ever expect others to fund their way of life.

I would carry on with the child care you are doing whilst making it quiet clear to your DIL that you can't have the child when they are ill due to your medical condition, she needs to realise this as well as your son. Your son and Dil need to talk but that is nothing to do with you, at present he is moaning to you when he should be moaning to her, keep out of it. No more money, specially as you think they are going to do one thing with it and they do another, if you want to open a little account for the GC fine. I don't think you could contact her mother but maybe your son should from the point of view that he is worried about his wife's health.

I lived with ulcerative colitis for 15 years until I had my colon removed, when things improved a lot. It's unpleasant, at times painful, and definitely debilitating, I have great sympathy with any sufferer, especially a young woman with a young child. However, I worked all the time I had it and did at least my fair share of housework etc. My children were older, of course, which helped. You are right to avoid germs where possible, I tend to catch everything my grandchildren have, and DD's are very strict about keeping them away from me if they are ill.

1. How your son and DIL divide the housework, childcare, and money is THEIR business, not yours. Neither are their reproductive decisions any of your business.

2. What you DO have the right to decide is whether or not you're willing to provide childcare. I agree it's not appropriate for DS to bring you DGD when she's not well. In that case, I would suggest being firm and consistent. "If she's not well I can't take her. You'll need to find alternative arrangements." That's as far as you go.

Many people have "invisible" disabilities. It's not for us to decide whether or not DIL has ulcerative colitis or not, whether she has PTSD or depression or not, etc. It's entirely possible that she is trying to cope the best she knows how. It's also possible that they have decided to keep their daughter in a nursery and with her grandmother because that is her routine. Upsetting that routine could cause additional stress, which is not what DIL needs right now. Really, DIL's health management is not the OP's business either. The ONLY thing OP gets a say in is whether or not she's willing to do childcare. That's it.

I have a different auto immune condition and the one thing I have in common with other sufferers is that we are all different and affected to a different degree. So not only can you not judge how difficult her every day life is nor can anyone else. Only she knows how much or little she can do.
Also when I worked full time and had young children who were unwell they still went to my sister who was their childminder. So I can't see the problem with you caring for them when they are unwell.
As for their finances that is really none of your business so stay out of it.

My goodness who is this Kimrus who is keen on calling people she doesn’t know manipulative cows What a truely nasty person you sound Kimrus was

I complained to HQ. Its a disgraceful thing to say. Apparently its not a problem.

Not belittling your DiL's condition but surely if this is part of the reason for having two child free days with one child how many will be needed with two. Take it DGC goes to nursery and to you on specific days of the week, can't help but query how the illness knows to flare up on these days. Also the cleaner and DS doing a lot of the chores, something doesn't seem to fit. Depression may well be a factor in the behaviour. Your son needs to address the financial situation and his time. Only way you can draw attention to how you feel the situation should change is by not taking GC each week or on such a regular basis. Will be difficult for you though.

Oldbatty I had a post deleted some weeks back when I said ‘ is this a wind up’ and this person uses horrible words and it’s ok Beggars belief

horrible words, horrible message. Misogynist and to compare PND to being lazy is very wrong.

Disgraceful.