Retired but no time to myself

Chris I feel exhausted just reading your post, to have taken on so much in such a short time, well.... I guess your best bet would be to start cutting back slowly. Christmas could be the first excuse with all the shopping and preparations so you can't visit every day or do every school pick up - what did they all do before you retired? Do have a serious chat with your OH unless he is ill surely he could visit the older family members at least.

Tell that husband of yours to help out. He sounds so bloody lazy letting you do all this while he watches daytime tv. Does he ever have dinner waiting when you get home? If not why not....

Seems to be the norm when you —stop working— retire. I’m in a similar situation. Did say I would not commit myself to babysitting, but was stupid enough to say I would help in emergencies and now have ended up helping out 3 days a week. Also help out with elderly fil 2-3 days a week. Combine this with dog sitting and running people about etc. and sometimes I wish I was back at work as at least I would get paid there.

‘Doing’...oops

Madgran77....her husband is going what mine is ...SOD ALL!

It amazes me how many Adult children seem to expect their parents to be their indentured servants!
Is this a new problem? I don’t recall having or expecting even a third of the help from my parents that has been expected from my DH and myself nor from friends who tell a similar tale.
I realise that lots of adult parents are working and very busy but so was I and never expected any regular help?

I had this phase of my life long before retirement, running around taking care of elderly, infirm parents, cleaning elderly aunt's cupboards and floors, earning a living and solving problems for grown-up DS.

The others are right: say no!
The parents of your grandchildren are presumably related to the elderly people you mention and should assume some of the burden of looking after them.

Anyone over the age of twelve can do shopping, and most 10 year olds can show great-aunt etc. how to order groceries online and have them delivered.

Next time anyone asks you to drive them anywhere, say politely, "I'm sorry, unless you pay the petrol which will be such-and- such, I am afraid I cannot afford to take you anywhere"

You are still cheaper and more convenient than a taxi and petrol is not free, as you well know.

Chris4159 - I know how you feel - mine is self inflicted though because I took early retirement when my ex son in law walked out on my daughter leaving her with the three GC and trying to work full time in a demanding job to keep her house. I am busy all the time with school runs and shopping/cleaning etc. I have created a gap though by joining a local charity as a volunteer. Wednesday mornings are 'mine' - unless one of the kiddies is sick and unable to go to school. I love being a volunteer, it is completely different to what I do every day and I get to talk to other adults (which is a bonus!). I only have one GC at Junior School and I have already said to my DD that once she too is in Senior School (18 months to go) I want to go and do a degree course at our local University - DD is happy for me to do that and she has had plenty of notice that is what I want to do. I do think that is the secret to managing expectations - you need to take control, have a diary and make some time for you - we have a local taxi service that specialises in taking people to and from appointments be that at the hospital/dentist/shops called Driving Miss Daisy UK - their charges are very reasonable for the service they give and they can be trusted to turn up - if there is a branch or similar service by you I would recommend getting your relatives to try booking with them instead. Wearing yourself out is not going to help anyone when it all becomes too much to deal with so, if you can, wean them off being dependent on you so much - my DGC (15, 12 and 9) are now tasked with cooking Saturday lunch between the three of them for DD and me and them, nothing grand, just hot dogs in buns , but it makes a difference to me as it is so nice to have something done for you!

Hi please put yourself first and say 'No'. You've earned the right to enjoy your retirement your way not to be called upon by all and sundry to care for them. As for those who don't contribute to costs tell them you can't afford it now you're on a reduced income following retirement.

chris4159 How did you cope before retirement ?Were you expected to be in such demand then as you are now? If the answer is NO then you only have yourself to blame for your lack of 'me' time. Get your priorities right before you run yourself into the ground You clearly have adult children what are they doing while your retirement is being eaten up by the demands of others and most important get H to pull his weight.

Think about joining stuff like U3A, WI. local gym. Treat these things almost like a job. They are in your diary and if you are asked to do something on one of those dates then you can politely refuse but you are genuinely doing something else on that date. It gives you choices and you will also make lots of new friends, your social life will pick up and you will be reminded that 'life is not a rehearsal'.

How did they all manage before you retired? They coped without you then so why can't they do it now?

Try making a timetable and stick to it. If you want to go to the gym book regular classes and say I'd love to help however I am at gym that morning same with any other interests and holidays just book them the world will still keep turning. ?

I'm with Oakleaf here in wondering how all these chores and demands were managed before you retired? Was everybody sitting waiting to pounce on your 'big day'? I would simply say to all the 'users' sorry, but this is getting out of hand and I'm not going to be necessarily available in future. Then have a creditability gap and think what you really fancy doing and go for it. Takes courage after the way you've started and may ruffle a few feathers but discussed rationally with people who care for you should result in a happy compromise for everyone. Certainly hope so. Good luck!

Say "no" it's easy after a coupe of times. Do what you want to do end of story.

In my case it's not me that retired at 60 but my husband, and although it felt odd at first having him around all day for the first time in our 30 years together (I work from home), and I of course want him to stay fit and active, I now think that he is in a similar position to Chris. My mother has moved near us and is very demanding and my husband has a few voluntary roles that he treats with the same over-conscientiousness he did his paid job. He seems to be being taken advantage of, and I as usual come some way down his priority list, but feel it's selfish to mention this (except here!). My husband has several health conditions that could kill him early, so I wish he would spend more time enjoying himself - but his own nature and upbringing seem to make that impossible.

Sit down and decide what YOU want to do in YOUR retirement! That might well include a level of grandchildren care and elderly/il relative care but decide what is manageable for you around all the other things that you want to do. once you have done that book in the things you might want to to do ...a weekly course; a break away to visit a friend...whatever floats your boat! Once you have doe that you can map out your regular skeleton week. Everything else has to fit round that, including everybody else!! And pass some of the duties onto your husband??

They do not have rights to your time and you do not 'have' to help out. Set an amount you'd be happy with. And stick to it. Not easy I know but your putting it on here shows that what you are doing now is NOT working. Stop the rot.

How could they all be so selfish to take such advantage of you? It's obvious the grabby lot were just waiting for your retirement day with just one thought in their minds; "great! Unlimited free help!"

And I bet they've been quick to pile on the emotional blackmail. I don't honestly see a way around this....but commiserations anyway.

You have to put yourself first - plan what you want to do (i.e go to the gym etc, and stick it in a diary) and mark out times when you are doing nothing in particular. (for having a bit of me time). Anytime left over can be used as and when you wish to help out family. Your time is yours until someone else takes it.

Learn to say no more often and take breaks even long ones then they'll have to step up. You have earned some fun good luck.

Practice asking yourself “do I want/need to do this”, “have they other alternative solutions, using/asking me is just the easiest”.

Please put yourself first, if you do not, who will help you when needed?

It's simple learn to say know and make it known you're not a charity so if they want lifts they need to pay for petrol at least. Bloody cheek of people.

Chris I am sorry your retirement is panning out like this. However this has happened for one reason, and one reason only. Because you allowed it to.

There is only one person who can solve this which is yourself and like others up thread have succinctly put it - start by using the word NO . You may need strategies for this such as already having something else booked - but for you and on your terms. You have worked long and hard I am sure, so now is the time to take back control.

Perhaps start the new year by booking a solo holiday abroad with a reputable travel firm doing holidays for singles. That is probably something you want to do, and will give the message that you are your own person and not a doormat. Good luck

At 66 I'd literally burnt myself out and ended up in hospital in 2006 when the doctor told me enough was enough and to take it easy. It took years to feel like " myself " and now at 78 I feel better than I've ever felt.
Good health shouldn't come this late ( though it's a bonus ) and only because I hung onto life by the skin of my teeth did the family realise that I wasn't kidding when I used to say I was unwell.

My advice----if you want to live a bit longer, ease up as you don't know when/if anything within your body is gong to " give " or how long it'll take to repair.