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Don't take sides??

(18 Posts)
NanaKay58 Tue 25-Dec-18 00:51:11

Interesting development - while my son was out of town on business we received an invite from my DIL's mother in the mail addressed to my 5 yr old other grandaughter inviting her to a children's event for grandaughters birthday. Seems I'm not invited after all, lol
Its in the middle of the day and I will be at work. Other grandaughter has a dr's appt that day so I guess I was worrying for nothing, we'll stop by son's house the saturday after with gifts and goodies and have our own party with her and her daddy

Deedaa Tue 18-Dec-18 20:39:55

It doesn't look as if your DIL has ever grown up. Your DS has looked after the house and child and she has gone looking for men on line like a teenager. Now her life is being organised by her parents! What normal adult wants that? I think your GD needs you around for a bit of normality.

M0nica Tue 18-Dec-18 19:09:11

* Nanakay* Look at it this way. If you behave impeccably and refuse to rise to any provocation from the other side. This will really really annoy them.

It is a tactic I have used in the past (not with family) and it works a treat.

Buffybee Tue 18-Dec-18 18:23:29

"any" of course!

Buffybee Tue 18-Dec-18 18:22:31

Be the "better"person.
Do what your Dson asks and just smile and be very, very pleasant.
Don't give the in-laws and excuse to have a go at you.

agnurse Tue 18-Dec-18 18:06:47

This profoundly sad. I am especially disgusted by the actions of the wife's parents. Parents should NEVER get involved in their AC's relationship disputes. A parent's instinct is always going to be to protect a child. That's normal. That's natural. But it also means that the parent is by definition not an objective third-party.

You have a choice here. You can choose to be civil and if they bring up something that makes you uncomfortable, you can simply change the subject. Or you can choose to take nothing at all.

Really, what should be happening is that your son needs to contact a solicitor. There needs to be a formal custody agreement put in place. Then you can see your GC on your son's time.

MissAdventure Tue 18-Dec-18 16:09:12

We're a laugh a minute, sometimes.
Even if we do get shot down in flames. grin

NanaKay58 Tue 18-Dec-18 15:44:43

Thank you all, I kinda of knew the right answer, just didn't want it to be true.
BlueBelle, I've been skulking in the background for quite a few months, I was debating whether to post or not, I'm glad I did,
You all seem a fun bunch, and I'd like to participate more often :-)

Dontaskme Tue 18-Dec-18 10:23:58

Smile and wave, smile and wave. Do whatever your Son asks you to do. You don't realise how lucky you all are being able to see the child at all. The Mother holds all the cards and if the MiL is one to poke her nose in and make threats (judges don't like etc) be very careful.. If things break down completely and it has to go to court its not as easy as some may think.. It takes months and months and months and months and allegations and accusations fly. In this time you may not be able to see the child at all, nor may your DS. Tread carefully and be grateful for what you have

sodapop Tue 18-Dec-18 08:30:01

I agree with absent be the bigger person for your granddaughter .

EllanVannin Tue 18-Dec-18 08:25:27

The internet has been nothing but a curse to those who are vulnerable enough to follow " the grass is always greener " brigade. The fact of the matter is that it isn't and causes untold heartache !

I'm sick of hearing about marriage break-ups and trouble caused by bored individuals trolling the internet looking for " someone else " when they're already committed. These individuals have no thought for anyone but themselves, even a child has to take a back seat. It's so cruel.

I don't agree with this version of splitting up therefore I won't comment any further other than to say that there are people who badly need to grow up and get a life away from social media/internet and concentrate on the life you have !

BlueBelle Tue 18-Dec-18 05:52:06

Is this your first post NanaKay ?

NanaKay58 Tue 18-Dec-18 05:39:41

No chance of losing touch with her! I take my other granddaughter with me and we meet with her and her daddy at parks and farmers markets, pet stores, pizza houses and when the weather is bad we go over and have a play date at my son's house. The 2 girls love playing with each other. That wont ever change

So I will always see my granddaughter, it's the in-laws I don't want to see.

And to be clear, I am not invited to the private family party on her birthday, just the public party the next weekend.

absent Tue 18-Dec-18 02:45:20

Take a leaf out of Michelle Obama's book: "When they go low, we go high". Don't lose touch with you precious granddaughter, behave with perfect courtesy with these arrogant people, don't rise to any bait. Of course it will be hard – but it will be worthwhile, even if it takes time to come to fruition.

NanaKay58 Tue 18-Dec-18 01:53:25

I would still see her, but the day before, or the day after. Just not at the public party, her real birthday I am not invited for.
Her real birthday is a weekday, but the party will be later on the weekend.

MissAdventure Tue 18-Dec-18 01:10:05

I know you're angry, but what good will not seeing your granddaughter do?
I think a lot of us pretend everything is fine; at work, with families, and so on.
Being angry doesn't mean you have to actively do anything about it, and the arrangement is working for your son, who has managed to put it behind him, or at least learnt not to rock the boat.

gmelon Tue 18-Dec-18 00:34:35

No its not awful for you to feel this way. It's quite understandable.
Lots of people feel very hurt and angry over family dynamics.

It would be awful for your Grandaughter though. It would be best to let her grow up
with you attending her Birthdays etc.

I'm afraid we have to take one step away emotionally, grit our teeth and think of the grandchild/ren.

NanaKay58 Tue 18-Dec-18 00:19:02

I didnt want to mess up the Divorce thread with my issues, but I have a question about taking sides.
My son and dil were married 5 yrs, one little girl. Every day dil went to her mom's with the child (she moved 2 doors down after granchild was born) dil was never really domestic, my son cleaned, shopped, and cooked meals, she would come home after spending all day at her mum's, I thought it was odd, but its son's marriage, not mine. He was happy.

Then out of the blue dil faked marriage problems in order to fly out of town to "think about their marriage" but turns out she went to meet a man she met online.
(no marriage is perfect, I know, but before this trip everything was normal - she spent evenings online social media too much and son plays online video games too much but neither had complained to anyone of troubles.)

She lied to her husband, parents and child about why/where she was going.
She came back and it was found out on social media where and who she was with.
She said nothing happened, but wants wants nothing to do with being a wife now. Moved in with her parents with their child, Suddenly her family is acting like this is normal after being shocked and angry at first now everything is fine, I received a series of texts from her mother, going on and on about how they are trying very hard to get them back together but they keep stopping son from trying to talk with her alone. She just keeps saying "i don't want to talk about it" and her parents are ok with that. They are also hinting that my son was not the perfect husband (is there even such a thing???) and he shares the blame equally for their troubles. Ok, fine, let them talk about it!

After yet another text from her mother telling me how wonderful they are and how hard they are trying to fix the kid's marriage, and saying that son is to blame too - I had enough and I blasted back that if they would just butt out and let the kids work it out it would be much better!
She wrote back that I was a horrible person to say that and if they stopped "helping" the kids it would end up in court and implied that it would get nasty. She texted that they even called "the other guy" and texted with him over and over and saying they would fly there and tell him off in person if they had to, that is how hard they are working for this marriage -
I wrote back that they have interfered in the marriage too much already and to leave them alone! She freaked and wrote some nasty stuff, dil texted me too saying that we never accepted her, and she was always alone and no one talked to lies and I have tons of family photos of her happy, and laughing over the years that proved we loved her and accepted her.
So now, child is not allowed to visit us, my son is forbidden to bring her here by his wife. We can meet at parks or at his house but never here. Not for Christmas, not for Easter, not for anything. They constantly threaten him with judges not liking this or that.
Once when I came over to sons house to visit the mother texted my son "Remember, judges don't like people who talk behind other's backs..."

My son is now ok with things, he lives in the family home, child visits every day, and he doesnt want a divorce because he would only get child on weekends. He loves being a daddy. He is scared to death he will lose his child to them if he doesnt play by their rules. So as long as he gets to see his daughter every day, he pretends everything is fine. And he wants me to also.

What he doesnt get though is that I now I can't stand dil and her parents! He wants me to say hi to them if I see them out and about, come over even if they are over. He once asked me to the zoo with them coming too - and I'm supposed to go over for the granddaughter's bday soon and I don't want to! Makes me sick to even think about seeing them again. I went last year before the texting and she had the gall to bring up a lie about my other son in law - (he is a "yelling" father, but he has never ever been physical to their child, but according to her, he's a child abuser. Not her business at all)
I love my grandchildren very much, but they are already turning her against us. I called the other day and grandaughter answered and after hearing my voice she said "Ick, I thought it was MY grandma calling" and gave the phone to son.

My question is do I NOT take sides? I just can't fake it and be nice to them anymore even if it means not seeing my grandchild on her that awful of me?