Gransnet forums

Ask a gran


(22 Posts)
dolly56 Wed 23-Jan-19 21:39:13

I would welcome some advice please

dolly56 Wed 23-Jan-19 21:44:45

Divorce cont'd. My son's wife had recently told him that her feelings for him have changed. He is gutted. They have started going to relate and my son is praying this works. They have a beautiful 7,yr old. My son has been unable to function at work as has been offered medication which he has refused so far. Any ideas how I can help him. His wife thinks that she had been stuck at home when she had baby. I think she was lucky that she didn't have to go back to work. She had been back at work for the last 2 years and I think maybe this was the start of her unrest.

Lisagran Wed 23-Jan-19 21:45:57

Bit more info? How long have you been married? Children? Do you own a house? Pensions? Counselling?

Lisagran Wed 23-Jan-19 21:47:04

Sorry / crossed post

Luckygirl Wed 23-Jan-19 21:51:25

TBH I think the advice is to stand back from making any of your feelings about what is happening between them known to them or your DGS. And to just be a rock for your DGS.

It is easy for resentment towards the DIL to creep in - we just want to defend our young - but that needs to be well and truly under wraps, especially around your DGS.

It may be that you feel that she was lucky to be able to be at home with her son; but the world is a very different place for women now. It is right that they have greater career opportunities, but some also feel under pressure to succeed in a career and being at home with children (which I loved!) may have put her behind her peers at work - and she is probably also watching your son progressing career-wise. I sometimes feel sorry for young women - it is not easy for them, but in very different ways from the struggles of our mothers.

Tangerine Wed 23-Jan-19 21:53:27

I am sorry you're so worried and hope, if they do divorce, it can be done as amicably as possible which will makes things easier for your grandchild.

Let's hope it doesn't come to a divorce. I can't really offer any advice except to say I'd try and avoid taking sides as it doesn't help.

sodapop Wed 23-Jan-19 22:01:48

Luckygirl is right, don't take sides. Support everyone as much as you can especially your grandchild. Let them sort this out themselves, its their problem to deal with.

PECS Wed 23-Jan-19 22:03:34

Relationships are only truly known by those involved. dolly of course you want to support your son but do so by just being there for hm. My own DD has a partner she is trying to extricate herself from. It is distressing to see her sometimes but she is an adult. She knows I am always here to listen to her and support her with any decision she makes. I will not actively tell her what to do.

dolly you will also want to maintain a relationship with DIL so that you continue to see your DGC as often as you do now if the marriage does end. If it does not dissolve you will want to be the loving and caring MiL and be part of the family unit. Tread carefully!

HildaW Wed 23-Jan-19 22:08:23

Its not nearly so easy to go for Divorce nowadays. So hopefully they can work though this if no one takes sides. Once things are said they cannot be unsaid. I do understand your pain though, seeing a child in pain and not being able to help is every parent's nightmare.

dolly56 Wed 23-Jan-19 22:13:51

It is so hard as everyone says. Obviously don't know what happens in a marriage. From the outside always seemed to be supportive , he encouraged her to go back to college and get qualifications. She's now obsessed with the gym, leaving my son to babysit. He's fine with this and encourages her to have an active social life which she didn't have before.

Lisagran Wed 23-Jan-19 22:21:59

Do you babysit sometimes, dolly? Do they have nights out on their own? I hope the counselling works. Poor them; poor you.

dolly56 Wed 23-Jan-19 22:27:29

We do babysit. I collect from school once or twice week and give them all dinner. We have DGD to stay overnight now and again

GabriellaG54 Wed 23-Jan-19 22:29:12

1) Keep out of it.
2) Be a support to both but not biased towards either one them.
3) Never criticise either of them, not even privately to any family member.
I hope both parties can remain friends. smile

GabriellaG54 Wed 23-Jan-19 22:30:07

* either one of them.

mcem Wed 23-Jan-19 23:02:37

And never refer to your son looking after his own child as 'babysitting'!!

HildaW Thu 24-Jan-19 15:35:51

mcem - oh that's my huge bugbear....a father is never ever 'babysitting' his own child. He is being a father....end of.

Luckygirl Thu 24-Jan-19 18:32:39

There are a couple of things that you have said that have a critical undertone - I already commented on the fact that you said how lucky she was to be able to stay at home with the GS, with the implication that she should think herself lucky.

And in another post you said that she is "obsessed" with the gym - that has a critical undertone too. Someone else might have said that she has started going to the gym and how positive this is for her well-being!

I know why you feel like this - she has hurt your son. But I think it might help you, and GS, if you examine your feelings and acknowledge your negative feelings so that you can pull yourself up short if you find yourself saying (or even thinking) these things. She is your GS's mother and always will be - children pick up on negative hints very very quickly. Also, they may mend their relationship and you will be forced to amend your thoughts pretty rapidly! - and anything that you might have said or hinted at cannot be taken back.

Sorry to sound critical, but I am sure you want the best outcome here.

People's feelings can change as time goes by and she is being honest with your son. It is always a challenge when this happens in a relationship and she may be needing support too. It is always hard to know how best to deal with this.

FlexibleFriend Thu 24-Jan-19 18:45:29

Luckygirl has said it all, please tread carefully and keep your thoughts to yourself. This relationship may well be fixed and things get back on track but what's been said can't be taken back so thing carefully and try not to take sides.

FlexibleFriend Thu 24-Jan-19 18:45:56

think! not thing.

dolly56 Sun 27-Jan-19 14:38:11

Thanks for all the advice. My son is hoping counseling helps but is not hopeful as his wife this won't work. Last week he was signed off work as kept breaking down
So difficult when your beloved son is in tears, but so glad he is able to come to us. Just offer support and listen 😟

mumofmadboys Sun 27-Jan-19 14:58:06

Thinking of you dolly. Try and stay strong x

BradfordLass72 Mon 28-Jan-19 06:44:15

Oh, yes dolly seeing your beloved son in tears does something awful to your soul.
The situation is new and your son is hurting but as time goes on he will come to terms with the situation whichever way it goes.

Be hopeful though, counselling may work, it often does.

In a similar situation, I found this hard, very hard indeed but amazingly the person I was hurting for moved on to a much better life and partnership eventually and is happier than she ever thought possible.

But by Jingoes it's so painful when it's all new and raw isn't it? flowers flowers